Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: bookwrmmom on May 28, 2015, 01:42:52 PM
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So I have complete and total respect for those who continue their stand, and wish them much love & success in the future. However there are quite a few of us I believe that are finished. Like everyone else we came here desperate to save our marriages, but have come to the realization that it is time to walk away.
Since I know how important support is for healing, I would like to start this discussion. There are so many things to talk about when you are finished standing. Divorce and dating just to name a couple of things. Many of us have been in very long term relationships and the thought of dating can be VERY intimidating. Divorce is a whole other ball of wax, and I myself have never experienced a divorce before.
So anyhow, I am not sure if there has ever been a topic along these lines before. So moderators if there is then merge away!
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Great start, Book.
I agree a thread such sad this would be beneficial to many--not just those of us who are no longer standing but those who aren't sure, anymore. Like you, I have the utmost respect for those who stand firm. The reality, though, is that at some point, I think everyone is going to question their stand (I know I did--a lot!), and those of us who have decided to end ours may have insights about the questions we ask ourselves and the transition. I, for one, would never encourage or discourage anyone to stand or not--it's too personal. But we have many shared experiences that could be very valuable.
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I believe I was standing for my marriage before I knew about MLC and before I knew what standing was all about. I came to this site when my xW asked for a divorce and started divorce proceedings. My stand ended when OM was flaunted in front of me and I found explicit pictures and a sex video of the 2 of them. The divorce took a year to complete, and here I am a year further after divorce, still in one piece and still healing.
I was with my xW for 20 years, married 16. I am out on my own after all this time, It’s a daunting prospect but I find myself going out on my first date one year after divorce and the first one in 20 years. I won’t be diving head long into any relationship, I'm just looking forward to making friends and finding the real me. If I do make a connection with anyone then that will be another matter, but anyway I’ll be moving forward one day at a time and see where life takes me.
Lanzo
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I'm glad you started this thread. I myself feel like standing may not be for me. I'm waiting this out a little longer. I got a job starting in June. I will be so busy that I can honestly say I have not thought about h. He was not my first thought this morning or my last thought last night. Of course he is texting more. I am losing interest in him. Could be cycling. But after he told s12 friend he had girlfriend when friend saw him at the store, I feel different.
As I said before I will wait before I make big decision. H came by today and I was so close to telling him I want to turn the rest of the divorce papers in that he never completed.
I'm tired. I want to live again. Lately I have been laughing more with my son and dad and talking to a couple of coaches I used to work with. At my new job I will definitely be open to invitations to go do stuff with new friends/coworkers. Before I would not do anything like that because I would work and go home. That's it. No life no friends. Lived here 16 years and have not made many friends at all. Had trouble trusting anyone. Now I am more comfortable with who I am and feel more confident. Excited about things to come.
So life after divorce is not looking that bad. I'm in a better place now. Letting him back in, doesn't seem appealing. Sometimes I think my stance is only prolonging the pain.
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I recently ended my stand because of religious reasons. I would say I came out of my own personal fog. It doesn't make things easier, because I no longer have the hope of reconciliation to see me through each day. But I do what I have to do. Nothing is going to stand between me and God, no matter how difficult or painful it is.
I mentioned early on that I expect to fully move on after 2 years. It's been a year and 2 weeks and I think I'm on track. I wouldn't have reached the place I am now in, if I had just allowed myself to wallow in false hope and delusions unchecked. At the beginning of all of this, I might not have been sure what I wanted, but I knew that I didn't want to be wandering in the same maze 6 years down the road. I indulged in no pity party, for myself or for the MLCer. Each time I got on the roller coaster, I harnessed all the strength and willpower I had to get off. Later, I knew that I didn't want to take the MLCer back when the grass isn't greener on the other side. He will come back because he loves me, not because the OW treats him bad. I no longer allow myself to be treated as merely an option. Nor do I want to keep wondering if he would have returned if the OW had been an angel to him. In addition, if he keeps leaving when things start to get bad, I'm not sure how well that bodes for the future. He has bullied me enough. Why should I bully myself?
As for dating, sometimes I feel really lonely, but I am not sure I want to devote my life to another person just yet, or anymore. But we all need someone close who could assist and comfort us, especially as we age and become infirm, and have no children or other family. But right now, my life is still in shambles and I am in no position to be in a relationship. It's a time when vultures and crows are plenty. I fended off one such person last year who thought he could take advantage of my situation, because thankfully, I was still clear-headed. I have gone out and mingled, have been on social sites, but haven't found the one yet. I do not worry much about my appearance or anything superficial, as I know what can happen if someone falls for things that fade away. The man who will be right for me will be the one who only looks at me because God tells him I am the one.
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made into a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life but define yourself."
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Thanks so much for the replies everyone! I think this an important discussion to have. We have gone through so many changes, and trying to navigate future ones in a healthy way is important. I think going into the dating scene we are very vulnerable. It is good to have the advice of our friends here who have helped us so much already.
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Glad you started this thread, I was reluctant to post some thoghts on my own thread as they don't fit the standing theme. I decided to stop standing once I accepted my x for who she is now. She may not be the person I knew for 19 years, but this IS her now. I had to "kill" the fixer in order to find peace in my decison. Being a fixer is a way of being cotrolling in a relationship. It doesnt allow the other person to really be themselves and its basically saying "your not good enough as you are and my way is better". At least that how I see it now. Whats funny is my x is the only person I had that dynamic with. Also, I am completely turned off by other people that are fixers or care takers as far as intimate relationships go.
I also had to let go of long held beliefs that you don't walk away from people you love. Truth is, she walked away, but I still needed to come to grips with me doing the same. Elray asked a question on another persons thread that really got me thinking. He asked if they had ever ended a relationship. Simple, right? But I had never ended a relationship that I was really invested in. Now I know that it is ok to do that if its not a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. Its ok to take care of myself in a relationship and step away if it becomes one sided.
Turns out being single and dating is a lot of fun if you don't take it to seriously. I try to go into it with no expectations and no fear. I know I still have work to do on myself but I feel ready to dip my toe in the dating pool. There are lots of great people out therer and if you just put a smile on your face and feel confident they are ususlly happy to talk. I realize it may be hard to find something "real" again and it may never happen. I'm ok with that, I'm not afraid of being alone in that sense.
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Thanks for the reply Dj!
I also had to let go of long held beliefs that you don't walk away from people you love. Truth is, she walked away, but I still needed to come to grips with me doing the same. Elray asked a question on another persons thread that really got me thinking. He asked if they had ever ended a relationship. Simple, right? But I had never ended a relationship that I was really invested in. Now I know that it is ok to do that if its not a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. Its ok to take care of myself in a relationship and step away if it becomes one sided.
H walked away, but in numerous ways has clung the whole time. Sometimes with terrible, awful monster & other times seeming more sincere. But like you said it is okay to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Unless a MLC is pretty much completely through it I cannot even see how there CAN be a healthy relationship. Also like you said it is okay to take care and step away if it is one-sided. I TOLD him I would be NO man's plan B and I won't stick around because you need you to help me manage your life. I meant what I said, and I am walking away with my head held high. I am walking away strong, healthy, and thankfully in the best shape of my life. I said something a long time ago not long after BD, and I was angry when I said it however it is true. I THANK him for doing this to me when he did. For many years I was very overweight and out of shape. I realize that makes me no less lovable, and I still have the same heart. However I now FEEL good about myself, and have a self confidence that I didn't have for most of my life. When you are made to feel like less of a person because of your weight, it affects your confidence (H didn't do this, it was how I was raised). I forgot over the years how strong I am, and this not only reminded me but made me even stronger.
I haven't really dated yet, only had someone over for dinner a few times. Nothing really came of it because he has his own demons to battle from a really bad situation much like all of ours. However it is someone I have known for many years, and will always have a very good friendship. There ARE lots of great people out there, but I am really not sure how to do this whole dating thing????? I never have a problem talking and joking, but really don't know where to go from there. I don't want to seem pushy when I meet someone that interests me, but other then joking/chatting I am not sure what men my age are ok with. I am not pushy, but damn do you sit back and wait on someone to take the hint or what?
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I recently ended my stand because of religious reasons. I would say I came out of my own personal fog. It doesn't make things easier, because I no longer have the hope of reconciliation to see me through each day. But I do what I have to do. Nothing is going to stand between me and God, no matter how difficult or painful it is.
Just curious if you would elaborate on that thought... Most people stand for religious reasons, I have never heard of anyone ending a stand for religious reasons.
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book,
I think we can kind of tell if someone likes us. If you get that vibe why not just ask him out for coffee or something simple like that.
I would think it may be flattering to have a woman ask you out. Guys usually have that burden.
I guess I'm not standing. We are divorced and even though we see each other I don't want to remarry him. Is that not standing? I don't know. :)
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Thunder,
I totally do not have a problem inviting someone over for a home cooked meal, or even asking them out. So I guess I will feel this particular situation out a little bit more and go from there.
As far as whether you are standing if you do not want to remarry.....I think that if your XH is the only man you have any desire to have a future relationship with then to a degree you are. However if you are open to whatever life leads your way, then I would say you are not standing. I think it is just fine that you do not want to remarry him. If you decide to continue to have a relationship with him then it is completely on your terms.
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Be aware of the types of people you are attracting and be careful not to fall into familiar roles if they are not what you want in future relationships. Its easy to slip right back into old behaviors in new relationships. I saw myself doing this and had to stop seeing that person. The dynamic was eeirly similar to my relationship with my x.
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Thanks Dj, and this is very, VERY, true! I talked to my pastor about this during my IC this week & posted this on my thread. He thinks I am ready to start dating, but he asked me a question. He said "Book what is important to you? Quality Time, Affection (Touch), Words of Affirmation, Gifts, or Acts of Service?" I explained to him that for me it was 2 things pretty equally, and that is Quality Time, and Affection.
He told me to remember these things going forward and try to find someone with similar qualities. He also told me that if I met someone and they did not share these same wants then to NOT SETTLE.
So Dj awesome point! Now is the time to make sure of what you want in a future relationship.
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book,
Good points. I have not wanted a new man in my life. I didn't want a rebound type of relationship. But I think at this point (4 1/2 years) I know if I met someone fantastic I would probably date him. So I guess that answers my question. I'm not standing.
We are divorced so we both are free to do that. I have no hold on him anymore. He has no hold on me.
Sounds like a song in there somewhere. :)
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Thunder, it does sound like a song for sure! You have taken the time to heal, and I am glad that if someone great comes along you would go out with them.
I am a year and a half in, so no where near as long as you. However mentally and emotionally I am done. The divorce is a formality.
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He said "Book what is important to you? Quality Time, Affection (Touch), Words of Affirmation, Gifts, or Acts of Service?" I explained to him that for me it was 2 things pretty equally, and that is Quality Time, and Affection.
Sounds like your pastor is very familiar with the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book was recommended to me and H at one of our MC sessions.
It is a great book and a fairly short read. It provided me with much insight into alot of what went wrong in our marriage. It's not that H and I don't love each other, we just weren't speaking the same love language.
I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who is interested in learning more about how to make someone feel loved, and also what makes you feel loved.
**Hugs**
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Happy to see this thread. I have nothing against standing. It is a personal choice and I'm glad I chose it at the beginning. I am also a year and a half in. I am glad I can look back and know I tried. Maybe not always the right way, but I forgave and I know that I truly loved my h and I'm glad I can at least know that.
I am no longer standing. I have no regrets about standing. Many on this thread have the same feelings I do. I am pretty confident I will always feel like a fall back if h came back. I would not trust him. His intentional destruction was just too much. He has what he wants now but still continues to bully and destroy.
Toxic people including h are just not allowed in my life anymore. I intend to stay no contact. I do not have the ability to do otherwise and I'm OK with that now.
I've learned so much and now its my turn to have the life I want. I'm happy with who I am and accept that I am ever changing. I don't mind that. I'm way more aware now and that is a good thing.
I am dating and although some dates suck beyond belief I have met some very nice people and had some good experiences. I'm kind of a sporadic dater. I'll date for a while and if nothing comes of it I will take a break and rethink. I get a lot of information by dating and practice of determining what in want and what I don't as well as getting better and reading people and trusting my gut.
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Thanks for more insight into the book Life, I have it on my iPad and have for a while....just haven't read more then the first few pages. It is on my "to do" list now.
TMT- we have the EXACT same month of BD. Mine is the 15th of Feb. 2014. I feel the same, I have no regrets and know I did ALL I could have. I agree the things we have learned about ourselves will serve us well in our future. I also feel the same about toxic people. I will not allow that in my life anymore. I have one person that I cannot "get rid" of and that is my very disabled sister. However I can limit how much I tolerate and will let her know when she is out of line.
Thanks everyone for the replies, I hope we can keep this thread going. It is important to help each other on this next stage of OUR journey. Moving forward it is now about us!
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Moving forward it is now about us!
Very true. But hasn't it been about is for awhile? Before ending our respective stands, we we're focusing on ourselves and our personal growth.
book,
Good points. I have not wanted a new man in my life. I didn't want a rebound type of relationship.
I think the first relationship we have post BD/D is going to be rebound or at least have rebound elements, and as long as we know ourselves, that isn't a bad thing. We need these relationships in order to learn things about ourselves.
I've done the rebound r. I learned a significant amount from it. I needed it to help myself heal from aspects of my marriage, and I have no regrets. But you make a good point, Thunder. The last thing we should do is settle for whomever comes along (like some people we know) because we are lonely.
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When I came here five years ago, "standing" was very strictly defined. Standing meant acting as if you were still married, and obstructing any efforts to end that relationship, including contesting divorce. Back then, a thread like this would never have been allowed. As an honest "non-stander," even my presence here was disconcerting for many of the strict standers and we had many fights about it. I never encouraged anyone not to stand, but I have always encouraged people to define "standing" for themselves and seek their own path to healing. Mine was not accepted by most here, but I think it served me well, and despite what anyone here thought to the contrary, I DID consider myself a stander at heart which was why I always had a hard time leaving this site.
To me, standing is leaving the door open to R, on your own terms. Sexual fidelity was a big piece of standing here, but call me what you will, sex is not a true deal breaker for me. I could have forgiven him the infidelity, and I did, once, early in our M. I don't THINK he continued philandering, but even if he had, the fact that he, by all measures, valued our FAMILY and never dishonored them, was what was most important to me. That he never flaunted infidelity, or neglected his family in any other way was okay with me. So, as far as my "standing" I felt that I could NEVER consider R until I stepped out. If we were going to build something new, I wanted him to forgive me, as I would be expected to forgive him. Plus, there was pain and identity crises and shame with being blamed for his ED issues. After BD, I needed sexual validation, and I didn't feel bad for it. For lack of a better way to describe it, I entered into a two-year FWB arrangement that was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I mean that, even my fiancée has thanked him for making me who I am.
So, don't dismiss "rebounds" totally, and don't necessarily claim to be finished with "standing." Nothing in life has to be so concrete unless you make it so. There will ALWAYS be a little stander in all who have ever loved--or it would not have been love. The problem is in STANDING STILL with only one future option in consideration. In the beginning, I was going on about my life, HOPING for R, on MY terms. Today I am going on about my life knowing that R with the ex is not a possibility in the near future as I have a truly better alternative. But, I would still never say never, another 20 years down the road could be another world, again.
What everyone really needs it not to define their healing in reference to another person, any other person. And in the context of your own life, you should never be standing, especially after something so shocking as BD, you need to be running to make sure you and your kids are safe and protected, financially, emotionally, physically... The advice that you should not make any big decisions or changes is just not helpful because fact is, often you HAVE TO, so people need to understand that you need to realize you are now an out-of-control hot air balloon, so you better enlist some damn good people in your chase vehicle (and attorney, an accountant, financial advisor, therapist, physician...) and let them help you make the right choices in a really awful time and situation.
But that's just my two cents. Love and light, ll
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I agree LL
I could have forgiven the infidelity had he been willing to do some of the work also.
Now there will be no relationship ever due to him and his inability to control himself and me ending up in the hospital.
I stand up for myself and have no problem being alone. I still have too many trust issues regarding men..triggers ....and even phrases some men say that remind me of the ex.
And I agree do your best to surround yourself with people who have your own best interest at heart.
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A beautiful post, LL.
I think you are right about how we must move forward for ourselves and that we all have a little stander somewhere inside us. This brings to mind some ting a friend who had gone through the hell of MLC and is now remarried told me a few months after BD: that somewhere in her, there will always be a ray of hope hers comes back even though she is extremely happy.
But we must move forward and live our lives. Other happiness exists out there. My door is close and the latch has caught, but if the planets align properly one day in the future, anything is possible. He's got to learn how to turn the knob, and it won't be the way he used to because I'm a very differnt woman, now, just as he's a very different man.
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I don't think of standing as an "all or none" phenomenon.
For some people it is. I applaud them. I think they have what we all have: mortal terror of losing the spouse we loved, no real desire to play the field, fear of divorce, and they value their families. However they have an additional trait: fortitude and determination. A willingness to stand alone for however long it takes.
There are some of us who have all the traits in the beginning of the list, but lack the final one. The willingness to stand alone for as long as takes.
You know I think there are lots of LBS who still care about their MLCer, who still worry about their MLCer, and who feel great anguish and suffering as we watch our MLCer destroy their lives. We hope for the best. We hope our spouse will come out of it someday. I know in my case that I certainly hope that RCR is right, I hope that he wakes up someday and discovers that he values his family, and that he rebuilds his life from the wasteful destruction. I watch and wait and hope with baited breath.
The fact that an LBS is not willing or able to live alone does not mean they have necessarily stopped caring. I don't think we are less worthwhile human beings because of it. It is just that I am past the halfway point, and I cannot imagine continuing the road alone. It is to great a risk.
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LL,
Thank you SO much for that post! So many wonderful words of wisdom there!
There will ALWAYS be a little stander in all who have ever loved--or it would not have been love. The problem is in STANDING STILL with only one future option in consideration.
YES!!! We have to keep living! I told a dear HS friend today none of us are ever guaranteed tomorrow, and I would hate to die tomorrow and know I died mourning an a$$hole. The MLCer my H became is an a$$hole. I want to hopefully be happy when my time comes, and have been living life to it's fullest. So friends do NOT stand still!
What everyone really needs it not to define their healing in reference to another person, any other person.
Another YES! I can honestly say that although I feel lonely at times, I am happy. I found that on my own, and am still learning what makes me happy. I hope to God I am learning MORE things to make me happy for the rest of my life......even if that means living single!
Long Journey I agree. I hope that my MLCer comes out of this one day, and "finds" himself. I DO care about what happens to him, because that is the kind of person I am. However I will not stop living life, and personally I am no longer waiting with baited breath. I respect those that do, but now I am done.