Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: superdog on August 04, 2015, 11:07:25 AM
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Something i was thinking about and something i believe hold us the healing of the LBS.
"Your role in the downfall /destruction of your marriage".
Well i have thought long and hard and i believe that no one is perfect and we all have flaws and faults, however what i dont believe is that i contributed the the destruction of my marriage. It only takes ONE person to break a marriage.
I dont like it when i hear that being said to people becuase those still in the stage of listening to the extreme projections of the mlcer believe this sentence.
Indeed the sentence is often preceeded with its not about you, you didnt break him etc etc, then comes look at your role in the destruction of your marriage. I have read it here and on heartsblessing site.
Well i see this as a contridiction that is not helpful to the LBS. I wholeheartedly believe on working on yourself as a rule and a life rule. But not so as the LBS believes if only i did this then i would not be here.
I hope i am making a little sense. I know my marriage suffered from communication issues so my role is in not understanding what was really going on with my h. I was too close to see. Could i have changed that, NO. Nor was it my job.
Please join in and let me see how you all view this.
Sd
X
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I believe that no one is perfect. I also believe that we did not cause our MLcers to do what they are doing.
In a normal relationship, if someone does something the other doesn't like, both parties address it and try to work it out. Many of us probably had this earlier in our relationships. If, despite trying numerous times to work it out, it doesn't work, then both parties get a divorce and neither have hard feelings, because they know they tried everything.
No matter what, each of us has something to work on, something we could be better at or change. Part of it, though, is do we WANT to change that which someone else dislikes? I am a smart alek. I like tongue in cheek jokes, using movie and book references in every day life, and poking fun at the clutzy things I do. I don't want to change that, EVEN IF someone else doesn't like it.
I don't remember any of these sites saying that we contributed to the "destruction" of our marriages, just that we should look at ourselves and change the things we feel we should change. If we were too selfish or self centered, and we want to change that to improve our relationships in general, that's a great goal. If we are guilty of not validating what someone is saying (trying to solve a problem instead of just listening, dismissing their fears as unimportant, etc), that might be an area of improvement. It's just a good time for some self reflection while we are planning our unexpected future.
For myself, I was so busy taking care of everything, that my H stopped doing anything. I didn't realize how much more I kept taking on, because it wasn't getting done "fast enough". I was so busy, I didn't prioritize what had to be done NOW, with what could wait, or what I could pass off and let it be on his shoulders if it never got done. I now give him his own paperwork to do. If it doesn't affect my credit rating, not my problem. If he gets pulled over for expired tags, not my problem. If his laundry isn't done because it never made it to the clothes hamper, not my problem. I had taken away H's ownership of his own stuff. Did that cause the destruction of my marriage? It would be a pretty stupid reason if it did, when all H had to say was "Hey, I'd like to do my own paperwork, would you just leave it on my desk?"
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The whole "own your part" is such a cliché. They had a personal breakdown. If your spouse had cancer, would you have to "own your part" in that, too?
I think we focus a bit much on "change" as well. It can be a lot of pressure on the newbies who hear that and are already jumping through hoops to come up with answers to make their spouse stay. Screw that.
Some people may choose to use this as an opportunity to make changes consciously. This situation CHANGES us. I think for most, though, we were pretty good people, who, unfortunately, now need to focus on "recovery" from this trauma, far more than we need "change". If we find other things we want to amend during the course of that, good for us. If not, good for us.
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super,
I think you're right. You were to close to the situation to see it or to change it.
But I think when you take awhile to really look at what happened, you do see things were not perfect. None of us are perfect and no marriage is perfect. We may have done things differently had we realized it at the time but you don't.
So could we have played a role in the destruction of our marriage? I don't really think so. We have no idea what our spouse is thinking unless they tell us. Most never do just suddenly want out. Leaving us reeling.
I can now see things that I didn't before but nothing was bad enough to require a divorce. My H did things I wasn't crazy about too but I wouldn't have left him over them. Like I said nothing was bad enough to required a divorce.
I've worked on some of my issues but only now that I'm aware of them.
Guess I agree that line should not be put in there. Makes you feel like it's partly your fault and I don't believe that.
I believe when a crisis hits someone there is no blaming on either side. Not even the MLCers. They just go off to some La La Land in their head.
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Thanks for this thread Super, I was told for years that I was a great wife and mother. He also told me for years, that all of our issues were because of the Marine Corps until BD. Then it was because of my issues.
I don't like this it takes 2 BS either. I did all that I could to make the marriage work, even after BD. I was the one that read all the books, went to the seminars and workshops. I worked for and on the marriage, he made this choice and left. My kids and I have to pick up the pieces. Besides, they ditch the kids too. And, if the OP has kids, they take care of them instead. You don't hear anyone asking what the kids part was in the spouse leaving. They're often told that they have made the MLCer miserable and ruined their lives too.
Just my 2 cents.
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The way I see it, whatever things we might have done wrong (and we all did things) became magnified and used as an excuse for the implosion.
After BD, one "friend" told me how this was all my fault, that I drive him away because I was working on my doctorate. BS. If he was that miserable, all he had to to was take me aside and tell me he was close to sticking his member somewhere it shouldn't be going. Guarantee that would have gotten my attention.
He didn't. The rest is MLC history.
We do need to look to ourselves because sometimes they do say things that have truth to them. I have owned up to the fact that I did become somewhat overly focused on my education in the months before BD. I also know it wouldn't have made an iota of difference. I looked to other parts of me, too, and consciously changed those parts I realized I didn't like. He did help me with that through his comments and actions.
It is true, though, that the newbies may get the idea that making changes will bring them back. A few weeks after BD when I saw my first therapist, she recommended I wear bright colors to react tract him. Seemed reasonable to me! I was utterly clueless and went shopping. Well guess what I realized: somehow my wardrobe had become black, gray, and beige. I swear,no haven't worn beige since March 2013 (can't give up the occasional black or gray). So some changes that we make initially for them become changes we keep for us. Others fall by the wayside.
It's all part of the progress.
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I have an aunt that recently told me I have to take responsibility of what happened in my part of the relationship..uhmm. I was in the relationship by myself as far as I'm concerned even when he and I were married.. I didn't ask to be manhandled or abused the way he abused me. His communication skills were sorely lacking. He had zero respect for me.
And although he allowed the exow to come into everyone's life ( the girls never met her but she lived in the family home) there would have been nothing I could do about it then. Or even before that. This is their C-H-O-I-C-E.
As far as going back? I offered he didn't have to say yes. I offered out of compassion for him and I didn't want to see the family separated when a family pet had a blood clot lodged in his femoral artery and we didn't know if he was going to live. One thing led to another and I ended up staying there.
Now when only ONE person is working on ( what I thought might be) a relationship ( which was me) it isn't going to get anywhere.
I know I did whatever I could after I went back. It isn't happening again. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to try to be.
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Simply put in most marriages both partners may have issues or patterns of behavior that maybe annoying to the other, and some could eventually be dealbreakers if not addressed. In a healthy, committed marriage spouses will work on these issues until they are resolved and/or they can work on a compromise that is acceptable.
MLC is a whole different animal. MLC is where is person is running from their own personal demons and decides to throw out the baby (the marriage) with the bathwater.
None of us (LBSers) are perfect, but even if we were MLC would still throw out the perfect spouse.
Can we all improve in some areas? Of course, but we have to do it for ourselves first. Nothing we could've have done would have stopped our MLCer's crisis.
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All spot on. There was nothing in our marriage that was bad enough to bring about this implosion. Yes, there were things that could have been better, but all of those things only needed communication, and a little effort to fix. This mlc made those things look huge and insurmountable in her eyes, and she had to get out. This is all due to the issues in her past that she has never dealt with, smothered down and supressed, until they had nowhere else to go but out. I and the marriage became the easiest target for her projection. So in my eyes, yes, there are things that could have been worked on, and I have and an continuing to do so. However, this would have happened anyway since her issues have never been resolved. Once her issues are processed and she begins to heal, then maybe she will see that "us" wasn't really the problem after all.
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Thank you. I will try and put the link the HB's site where she says this directly. Cant do this on my ipad.
I agree we had differences absolutely, but i would say, he didnt. I have mr. Uber passive aggressive who sulks and stonewalls like a child. Never stood a chance with that. I did not contribute to the destruction. The destruction came from his atrocious actions and behavior, thats what killed it.
My hope on starting this is so newbies can take in the fact that changes may not be needed unless they want to.
I agree with everything you are all saying. Reading some of the replies, even i can see from when i first came here how much you guys have grown.
I have actually gone back to the person i was, my core self. I like it a lot. I never quite understood how stifled and criticised i had been till i stopped listening. I changed back, only this time maturity will not allow me to be changed again.
Sd
X
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That's what I mean, SC. I don't blame either person. MLC just happens and destroys everything.
I don't think my X would have chose to feel the way he did. I don't think he would have chose to destroy our marriage. To hurt me.
You hear so many stories about MLCer's returning and they can't remember all of what happened. Say they felt they were in a dark place and had no idea how bad they treated their spouse. Their brains just went nuts. :o
So how do you blame them??
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Marriage is a construction project and THE MARRIAGE is the building. If I was the architect and he was the contractor, there were kids and in-laws and friends and institutions that all had a role. We may have had the weirdest building in the universe, but many people might still call it successful, who is judge and jury? It is impossible to examine any one person's ROLE in a project. No matter how good or bad the project is, or each person is on that project, the next project will be different and every person will play a different role. There is NO purpose in examining how you DID on a project, the only useful exercise is to look forward. So no, I never think it is useful to examine where something went wrong, only how to make it right.
And nothing about how anyone was or wasn't in a past marriage is an indicator for success in another marriage, if both people want that marriage to succeed. Even in a reconciliation, there will be two different people arriving on the project. And I call BS on the "work on yourself" stuff, too. If you have "stuff" you want to work on, you know it. If you want to be the contractor and not the architect, you have to work on that. If before you were a micromanager and you want to be different, you work on that, but if you liked your role and thought you were building a pretty decent building, then so be it. You just need to find a place where you'll be valued.
My current man thinks I am the most perfect being on earth, for all the reasons my ex thought I was flawed. What if I had worked to change them and no one liked me :-(... Love and light, ll
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This is something I have thought about a lot recently b/c of our therapy sessions. I have made some positive changes to myself but not many seem to be anything H is really complaining about; like many others on here have said, I have gone back to the core person I was. I think Medusa is right(as usual ;D) in saying that our faults were magnified to be used as an excuse for the inevitable explosion. When H brings up stuff in counseling, it seems pretty petty to me. The MC tries to validate him to a certain extent but one of the last things she said was a question about possible faults on my behalf including infidelity-I swear she was fishing for more than the little things H described! He almost laughed at suggestion of me straying.
I read a long time ago that when someone is so bothered by tiny details it is b/c of a larger problem they can't address. Like MLC?
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While we didnt cause it and shoud not believe all the projections, we can all stand to improve. I am a better man and a better father because of what i have learned from the destruction my wifes crisis brought about. I am thankful i was advised to look inward and examine my flaws. I was not satisfied with my role in our marriage. A common theme among lbs that i notice is we are fixers and doers. Not always a bad thing but it is a form of control. Even as standers many of us refuse to accept who the mlcer is today. Once i learned to accept her for who my x is (cheater, among other things) it was easy for me to move on. That was something i needed work on, allowing people to be who they are, not who i hope they can be. Seeing "potential" in a partner is a form of control. We are trying to bend them to who we want them to be. Even if what we want for them is "better" it is still not right imo. I spent my entire adult life trying to make a miserable person happy. I failed cuz nobody can be responsible for someone else happiness. Now she is resentful and angry that i couldnt make her happy and she continues to search for it outside of herself. Anyways, long story short, we not responsible for their crisis. All we can control is ourselves and it makes sense to focus on making positive changes while they self destruct.
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No one is perfect. None of us was perfect. Like others said, people have their things, and marriages go through ups and downs. But things are worked out by both spouses.
The whole "own your part" is such a cliché. They had a personal breakdown. If your spouse had cancer, would you have to "own your part" in that, too?
This. We cannot have a part in a personal breakdown. MLC is a personal and individual crisis of the MLCer. It is not even a marital issue. So, it would not make much sense we had any role in a matter that is not even a marital one.
Some people may choose to use this as an opportunity to make changes consciously. This situation CHANGES us. I think for most, though, we were pretty good people, who, unfortunately, now need to focus on "recovery" from this trauma, far more than we need "change". If we find other things we want to amend during the course of that, good for us. If not, good for us.
I agree. First and foremost we need to focus on recover from the trauma. And on taking care of ourselves. This will have already change us, and several, if not most, of us will use this to make some improvements on ourselves. Even if for me those improvements are more on a spiritual and less tangible nature than change for the sake of change.
The other thing that is going to change us is age. We will be several years old in the middle or the end of this MLC mess. Therefore we will be different than we were when the MLC started.
For me the going back to the core person I was is a mystery. I was 18 when I got together with Mr J. Unless I want to go back to when I was a younger teen or a child, that was the core person I was. And since I never lost myself in the relationship or marriage, I don't have a clue what it means.
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THANK YOU for this!!!
As a newbie, almost 4 months since alien invaded and he ran, I can honestly say, I spent the first months, going over and over every vile thing that came out of his mouth.. and I really believed I was everything he said.. Heck, at one point, my therapist and I were working so very hard on trying to pinpoint just where these issues came from.. After several weeks and realizing he's MLC.. and that I am not all of these things he proclaims that I am and that what caused our marriage to fall apart, I felt cheated. I've spent thousands on therapy, countless hours "working" on me and it was not where I needed to change!!
But... There were several things, that I did need to work on.. and have, religiously, since he left. No, it's not made a bit of difference in our marriage. But Lord, has it ever made a difference for me!!! He's witnessed some and all it's done is created mass confusion. He's so deep in and angry but he does see it.. and it's actually making him more angry. He lashes out at me but I know it's because he's angry with himself because I've done exactly what I needed to do, to be a happier, healthy me. He's in such a dark place, he can't and it just makes him that much more angry!
I did take everything he said directly to heart and worked like maniac to fit it. I'm a fixer and doer. One of the issues in our marriage. I too, DID everything. I took many of the responsibilities on simply because the deeper in he got, the less he would do. By the time he left, I did everything but mow the yard. And I realized shortly after he left, how much I'd grown to resent him for it. I felt dumped on and unappreciated for the millions of things that I did on a daily basis to keep our marriage, our lives, our home, running. Since the beginning of the slow invasion of the alien (3 years) and more so over the past year of his ramp up to runaway, I'd become so angry with him, for just expecting me to handle all of it and would bottle it up, explode, because I'd get so overwhelmed. I've since learned since AI , I'm in early onset of menopause.
My biggest struggle is the you make me unhappy. How is that even possible?? I can't make someone unhappy, happiness comes from within. That unrealistic expectation is one of the biggest problems I see with many of my younger, single or newly married friends. They do not get that happiness is not about what someone gives to you, it's what you give to others. It's fundamentally impossible to make someone "unhappy".. Sure you can make them miserable but I know a lot of us got that speech and did not have a clue that our spouses were unhappy and what we were doing to "cause" it. I didn't know, I was totally blindsided!! I knew something was wrong and what he was saying didn't add up. I was too close to see and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference, even with a crystal ball!
So much of what is said and done leading up to and after BD, is projection. I projected my anger and insecurity on him, I know it and I work every single day, to stop from ever doing it again, to myself or anyone else. Granted it was for stupid, insignificant things, like not helping carry the laundry up the stairs or looking at half naked girls online, behind my back when he wouldn't give me the time I needed from him. Of course, now I know why... When I couldn't take anymore, I did respond in completely ridiculous, passive aggressive ways that would led to a screaming fight, four times in three years, I'd had it up to eyeballs, I picked a fight by stomping around, using "nothing" when he'd ask what's wrong and then finally unloading... Yes, I was that wife, that would vacuum the house, in pearls, wearing nothing but a thong and high heels.. I'm a great wife.. I know it, he knows it.. Did we have areas to work on? Sure.. Was it so terrible and awful that he had to runaway, file for the d, and the rest of this? Absolutely not!
Controlling emotions was another big complaint - It's actually kind of funny that I learned I was in desperate need of hormones, after he left. What a tremendous difference it's made and the only reason I haven't flipped out, like h continues to think that I will.
I really believe it boils down to, we've all been in a long term marriages / relationships. We've spent a majority of our adult lives with this person. The early years were rough but we all got through it and had good marriages. But when one person changes to the magnitude that all our spouses did, we could be Mary Poppins and they still would have left, still claimed it was all terrible, and there is not a thing we could have done to prevent it. They chose NOT to communicate what they were feeling inside of them. We aren't mind readers.. It's their inability to confront their demons and past issues in a mature, healthy way, that forced us all into this mess. Just like we are left behind, to work through the mess they each have made of us.
I can say there is a part of me, a very small part, that does feel grateful and blessed to have the opportunity to work on those things, that I no longer liked about me. I didn't know how much his MLC had changed me, I was so busy responding to his behaviors, trying to be "perfect", in such an unhealthy way, that I didn't like the person I thought I'd become. I'm not that person and I've learned that I'm still me, at the core, God has just given me the chance to work through some things that I needed to, to be a better, stronger me so when the time comes, I can be a better wife..
So many unrealistic expectations are thrust on marriage- plus, it's incredibly easy to simply end one too. I have friends that have been married just as long as we have and totally hate each other, no MLC, PA, nothing.. They just expect that it will get better, magically, because they are married. Marriage is work, plain and simple.. But in an MLC situation, us LBS could change until the end of time and it will not repair / reconcile the marriage / relationship.. Time, space, and God are the only thing that can heal our MLC spouses.. Something I'm still trying to cope with and grow to accept..
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"When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves"
A quote from concentration camp survivor and psychologist Viktor Frankl which seems quite apt for this thread.
I find it has been a blessing in disguise that I have been given an opportunity in my life to stop and make conscious decisions about how I want my future to look, including what kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I want to lead. I don't think I had made those kind of deliberate evaluations of life goals and philosophies for a long time. I'm grateful for that aspect of all this.
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MrsMed...everything you just said. ;D
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The hardest part of marriage for me was learning to share a closet and a bathroom.... And falling in the toliet because the seat was always up!!!
We picked them, they picked us... We created a covenant, till death... Change, no change, MLC or not, none of us deserve or earned the awful, disrespectful, destructive behavior that they all exhibit...
If any of us tried to actually change who we are, to suit their outrageous, ridiculous lies, we'd all end up in straight jackets!!!
We all have to change as we get older, it's not actual change, it's maturity.. Sadly many of our aliens haven't reached that... I just keep seeing small children screaming in the toy aisle at the grocery store, begging for some over priced toy, that they will just die if you don't get it for them... and break within 10 minutes...
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I believe that no one is perfect. I also believe that we did not cause our MLcers to do what they are doing.
In a normal relationship, if someone does something the other doesn't like, both parties address it and try to work it out. Many of us probably had this earlier in our relationships. If, despite trying numerous times to work it out, it doesn't work, then both parties get a divorce and neither have hard feelings, because they know they tried everything.
I have to agree with this. No one is perfect and everyone contributes positive and negative aspects to the relationship, but just as one person alone can't save a relationship, one person alone can destroy it all by themselves. My MLCer has been a clinging boomerang, leaving me, coming back, and then cheating. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking him why he left at BD, and he said, "I thought I was unhappy, [in our relationship] but I wasn't." Yet he still cheated after we tried to reconcile (too early, he's still in replay). MLCers are in a fog. I think putting blame on ourselves for the failures of the relationship where it's not truly warranted is a way LBS try to feel in control of a situation that is really out of our control. Can't control the MLCer, can only resolve to be honest with ourselves, and that includes -not- blaming ourselves for things that aren't our fault.
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In my situation, I have a different take. I think there were things that I did that contributed to the mess and that I take full responsibility for.
1. I ALLOWED myself to be lost over time in the relationship. I gave up parts of myself that I never should have.
2. I choose this man because our weaknesses and strengths complimented each other. While this may not always be a bad thing, I have come to the thought that I NEED TO FIX MY OWN WEAKNESSES AND BAD HABITS, not look to another to compensate.
3. I WAS a fixer and wasted tons of my life fixing other people's issues and screw ups which allowed him to skate through life and behave as a self entitled brat which in turn enabled him to not choose to grow up.
4. I ALLOWED him to lead instead of insisting on an equal partnership.
5. I RELEGATED him to just another thing on my to do list. I could then keep my rose colored glass on as to his issues and I could live with the status quo instead of seeing him for the honestly weak and insecure controlling and immature man he was.
6. I ALLOWED my response to his crisis to be filled with anger instead of kindness and respect and understanding.
Now would have changing these things have changed the fact he is in MLC ? NO. HOWEVER, changing those things fed the crisis in size and duration. Those things contributed to the amount of destruction. Those things allowed me to get into a long term relationship with a man who was ripe for a crisis. Until I got good and honest with myself I was ripe for falling into another relationship with a MLC Jack ass and repeating the pattern.
I believe their issues mirror some of ours which is what brought us together in the first place, provided the unhealthy click and feeling of completing the other of co dependency in many cases.
Therefore, I worked on myself and my issues, for myself and for my future. Not the crap he lobbed at me like grenades in his spewing, but the underlying things that were hinted at in the spewing.
Best, LP
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My current man thinks I am the most perfect being on earth, for all the reasons my ex thought I was flawed. What if I had worked to change them and no one liked me :-(... Love and light, ll
This comment made me think of the song According to You. It seems appropriate for this topic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZOQVbNjUVM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZOQVbNjUVM)
According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
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Law Pro, u nailed it with #3 on your list. I did exactly the same thing. Great post.
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1. I ALLOWED myself to be lost over time in the relationship. I gave up parts of myself that I never should have.
2. I choose this man because our weaknesses and strengths complimented each other. While this may not always be a bad thing, I have come to the thought that I NEED TO FIX MY OWN WEAKNESSES AND BAD HABITS, not look to another to compensate.
3. I WAS a fixer and wasted tons of my life fixing other people's issues and screw ups which allowed him to skate through life and behave as a self entitled brat which in turn enabled him to not choose to grow up.
4. I ALLOWED him to lead instead of insisting on an equal partnership.
5. I RELEGATED him to just another thing on my to do list. I could then keep my rose colored glass on as to his issues and I could live with the status quo instead of seeing him for the honestly weak and insecure controlling and immature man he was.
Best, LP
Ooooooooo.... That is SOOOOOOOOOO ME!!!!!
And I'm working to ensure that it never happens again.. When he returns... When God sends him home.. I will never get to this point again..
I'm finding more and more, the more I read other's stories, the similarities we all share, not only with our MLC spouses, but with each other and how common it is that we were all giving too much, losing ourselves, and were all controlled in one way or another..
Incredible post LP!!!
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Great Post LP I guess number 3 and 5 were where I was at.
And it got so bad for me at one point ( after the kids came along) he was trying to do something and I said " Here let mommy do it" I must have said that a lot to the kids. ::) ;D ;D
I usually did what I did with the kids because I could do it faster than waiting for them.
Yes so you might say I enabled him and them a great deal. But they didn't appreciate it they came to expect it and that's all over now. I'm not fixing this - it isn't possible.
I went right over the fact that he choked his supervisor and lost his job. I focused on the positive still left from the situation. The house was paid for there was a good chunk of change in savings and the family was intact. I figured we could just go off in another direction.
He did right down the rabbit hole into fantasyland.
What was I supposed to do when that happened? Yell at him? Divorce him?
That mediation for him to try to get his job back went on for a year It's a wonder the stress of that didn't kill all of us.
He only said to me once " This house would fall apart without you"
At the end of all of that the only way he could get his job back was to take anger management classes and he have a lifetime probation..well he wasn't going to do that.
But it was me who had the anger issues as far as he was concerned.
I tried to hand the bills over to him at one point in time I said " Do you want to do this?!"
He said " Oh no"
He didn't want responsibility for anything then would wait for a couple of months and would want to know where the money was going :o :o
Are you $h!teing me?
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Well i have thought long and hard and i believe that no one is perfect and we all have flaws and faults, however what i dont believe is that i contributed the the destruction of my marriage. It only takes ONE person to break a marriage.
I fully agree with the first part of the sentence and I do with the second to a considerable degree with just the teeniest reservation.
Let me explain. I do not accept that I contributed to the destruction of my marriage but I do accept that I didn't see the signs because I thought it was part of marriage. You get married and all is wonderful, romantic etc....yadda yadda. Then children/job changes /possible moving house / parents getting older/ possible family illnesses and the relationship is put on PAUSE with the thoughts that once a particular issue is resolved you can carry on with the R.
The pause is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR THE MLCER to do what he/she does but it is something that the LBS has to become aware of is that this is something that happens and that if Reconciliation is to take place then the relationship has to be re-built and not put on pause again.
Does this mean that you can prevent MLC - NO!
Does this mean that you can prevent or divert the depression assuming you recognise all of the symptoms of denial, escape and avoid - Probably not.
What it does mean though is that your marriage that you thought you had had many flaws and that is something that you did contribute to.
I hope you get that I am not stating the LBS is any way responsible for the MLC or his/her behaviours. Categorically not
I am just saying that once a marriage is destroyed - before there is any chance to re-build or even start a new marriage with someone else then the recognition of your part in the previous pause/slow steady downward spiral of the marriage should be addressed and reflected on fully.
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I agree and I know I cannot have a healthy relationship until I fix me!
For me difficulties, losses, raising children, family deaths, illness are supposed to bring you closer together not one person decide:
" Oh well this is too much to handle......I'll just find a clean slate someone I have no history with.....somebody out there must think I'm wonderful"
The communication and dealing with feelings was really lacking in the relationship.
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It's funny. I think it was LP who said she didn't allow him to grow up.
I, like my mother, am a big time care giver. I did everything for my H and expected very little from him. Never, ever did he help me around the house unless we were having a lot of company. I even helped clean his car. God love him he is quite lazy about things.
All he did was work and mow the lawn and I allowed it.
After I moved out of the house it went down hill pretty fast, yard looked so bad the neighbor put up a 6 foot wooden fence. I'm sure so they didn't need to look at the mess. His car is filed with junk.
I do absolutely nothing to help him now.
He is FINALLY, SLOWLY starting to care and is learning to do all the things I did.
My point is I should never have allowed him to trated like a pampered child. That was on me.
It's something I would expect next time. Shared responsibilities. I won't be someone's mother again.
Now did this cause his crisis? No Did it damage our marriage? No But I do think it enabled him to feel free to do what ever he wanted to do, even divorce me, because he got away with everything else with no consequences.
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Yep exactly...no consequences for his behavior. Not my problem anymore.
He even got away with the assault..no games next time..it's 911.
And LAZY doesn't even begin to cover it. And I am out of the mommy business in regards to a man.
Strong women only intimidate weak men.
And I do not want to attract another one of them.
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I truly thought he would just go find another woman to take are of him but he is slowly taking responsibility for himself. Nice to see.
In It YES...911 for sure!
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I just have a couple of q's .
In response songandance, dont know about your situation or what kind of father your h was, but in mine my h was not involved as he should have been. He worked shifts where he would not be here to help me for 10 days straight and then he did his own things in his spare time. Now this is where the pause doesnt mean anything to me or that i could have prevented that. I was on my own with two kids, no help from h and when i asked for his time he selfishly did his own thing. He paused me, i had to pick up his slack too. Again that bit takes two.
In saying that my h's trauma came from my illness having the babies so perhaps he was gone from the start.
Question. Has this experience made you change your mind any about there being more than one person for you in this life? I am coming round to the idea that yes there might just be and this is all part of the meet up plan.
Sd
X
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Question. Has this experience made you change your mind any about there being more than one person for you in this life? I am coming round to the idea that yes there might just be and this is all part of the meet up plan.
I'm still very much fleshing out my feelings on this one. It's been a huge part of my belief structure for my entire adult life (we got together when I was 17) that we were very much "meant to be", and I felt other life experiences also pointed toward that. I really valued having that experience of being such a solid team for so long.
But I can also very clearly see in others that I have known my entire life that the lessons and experiences they've had when being open and not idealizing one relationship or partner have enriched their lives. I really just have to work on whatever 'block' I have that keeps me protecting this one bond, which has been legally broken for two years now, morally broken several years longer, and continuing to value it as the only one I could ever possibly experience.
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I never believed there was just one person we were meant for. Its a big world out there and there are lots of people we would be compatible with if we are open to it.
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Hey R2T,
I think i am of the generation who's parents and grandparents did the whole "you only get married once" " this ones for life" thing. Feeling like you've failed becuase it wasnt like that. Well to be fair there was times growing up that my parents probably should have taken a break! My grandparents celebrated 50+ years as have my parents, but honestly were they all happy years, no not really.
And also women were not as independent as they are now and previous generational women could not stand on their own two feet financially. Now it is different and we have different choices. We dont need to stay coupled with men who cheat lie abuse etc etc like our husbands and wives here have done. We dont HAVE to accept that for ourselves. Accept who they are yes, but we have a choice to keep such toxicity out of our own lives.
I am open to the idea that perhaps there is more that one person who fits the second half of our lives better than the one who fit the first half. Its true we pick our partners based on our own development state. So i have developed but my h hasnt. We will never be atracted to one another in this scenario. I will attract someone on my new development level and that excites me to think that at last i would experience something of mature healthy love instead of what i have had this pasat 44 years. My mum was immature, then my h was immature. Time for something a bit more grown up.
I dont feel lonely, i am quite happy with no h and just being me. But i believe in fate and that things come to you when they are meant to. If a mature healthy man came into my life i would take the chance. But i am not going looking for him.
Just purging my thoughts.
Sd
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Thats the difference DJI76, before we looked for fireworks and sparklers, now we look for compatability and companionship because we knwo the fireworks and sparklers were just a crock of $h!te anyway that go BANG.
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Well said SD. Its definitely different meeting women now than when i met my x at 19. Im not really looking for anything which i guess makes me open to lots possibilities. I havent been dating but for 3 months but im yet to find anyone i really connect with.
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But I can also very clearly see in others that I have known my entire life that the lessons and experiences they've had when being open and not idealizing one relationship or partner have enriched their lives. I really just have to work on whatever 'block' I have that keeps me protecting this one bond, which has been legally broken for two years now, morally broken several years longer, and continuing to value it as the only one I could ever possibly experience.
This is so beautifully written and encapsulates much of my feeling in his subject also.
But I have lots of questions these days, questions I never thought I would need to question
I thought we were "for life" - we enjoyed each other's company, seemed a solid unit, seemed to be growing together. I loved the companionship and contentment of a long term relationship
I wanted to be "for life".
Comments from friends and family show that considered us "for life"
Like superdog mentioned, I feel a sense of failure that we are not " for life"
Is it pride?
Is it fear?
My parents recently celebrated 50 years marriage and sure there were tough times but the point is that they never gave up on each other and saw their marriage as bigger than fleeting feelings of unhappiness or dissatisfaction.
I don't think I looked for fireworks, I always valued contentment but I suspect H wanted continuous fireworks which isn't how it works. And part of the reason an affair seems so exciting when compared to a long term relationship.
I agree that theoretically there have always been other people I could be compatible with and that I could have built a satisfying relationship with someone else. But practically I had chosen a life partner. I was building and sustaining a compatible relationship with him which had been working well for 25+ years. I wasn't into discovering whether I might be able to build a life with someone else.
Now.... Despite my own feelings of failure this doesn't seem to be the feeling of people around me. There might be some who "blame" the LBS ("he wouldn't have strayed if he was happy at home" sort of thing) but that doesn't seem to be the view of people I care about and frankly I'm not interested in the views of others.
So I'm starting to feel OK about a new partner for the remainder of my life. I can see it could be wonderful and I would really like to have a life companion, a go-to partner again. I think it's important to be able to be happy just being me too so I'm working on that and not actively looking but if someone came along and was interested I might just think about reciprocating the interest.
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In the midst of our spouses having affairs and blaming us for that and ourselves torturing us with tormenting questions as to why did this happen??
Then reading articles that we may have failed to fulfill their emotional or physical needs which could be the other way around too but we still managed to stay commited and loyal to our spouse
My husband who was never romantic with me but very loving has become a real Casanova with the OW
It is almost like they are acting a part in a movie and how much they love each other and cannot stay without each other when they have known each other only for a year and he has known me for 22
Yes I did not know he was unhappy at all until after the discovery of his affair lately he has been saying how unhappy he was in the marriage and how this person is making him so happy
So we get so depressedistrnibg to all this and his betrayal and the articles which mention how we made them vulnerable for an affair????
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As I have had a bit of time to reflect. I know there were some things I didn't do well -- like tell her how great she was, that I loved her every single day, wasn't attentive to her needs, and I wasn't good at relaying what I needed. All boiled down to communication issues. But I tried asking what was wrong when I noticed something was amiss, all I got was "nothing". I know my communication skills weren't fantastic, but I refuse to shoulder all the blame for the split. And that's what it felt like when the bomb dropped.
With a few honest rounds of communication during those final few weeks, issues could have been addressed and worked on in earnest. But she chose to walk away.