[superdog]

Something i was thinking about and something i believe hold us the healing of the LBS.

"Your role in the downfall /destruction of your marriage".

Well i have thought long and hard and i believe that no one is perfect and we all have flaws and faults, however what i dont believe is that i contributed the the destruction of my marriage. It only takes ONE person to break a marriage.

I dont like it when i hear that being said to people becuase those still in the stage of listening to the extreme projections of the mlcer believe this sentence.

Indeed the sentence is often preceeded with its not about you, you didnt break him etc etc, then comes look at your role in the destruction of your marriage. I have read it here and on heartsblessing site.

Well i see this as a contridiction that is not helpful to the LBS. I wholeheartedly believe on working on yourself as a rule and a life rule. But not so as the LBS believes if only i did this then i would not be here.

I hope i am making a little sense. I know my marriage suffered from communication issues so my role is in not understanding what was really going on with my h. I was too close to see. Could i have changed that, NO. Nor was it my job.

Please join in and let me see how you all view this.

Sd
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[OffRoad]

I believe that no one is perfect. I also believe that we did not cause our MLcers to do what they are doing.

In a normal relationship, if someone does something the other doesn't like, both parties address it and try to work it out. Many of us probably had this earlier in our relationships. If, despite trying numerous times to work it out, it doesn't work, then both parties get a divorce and neither have hard feelings, because they know they tried everything.

No matter what, each of us has something to work on, something we could be better at or change. Part of it, though, is do we WANT to change that which someone else dislikes? I am a smart alek. I like tongue in cheek jokes, using movie and book references in every day life, and poking fun at the clutzy things I do. I don't want to change that, EVEN IF someone else doesn't like it.

I don't remember any of these sites saying that we contributed to the "destruction" of our marriages, just that we should look at ourselves and change the things we feel we should change. If we were too selfish or self centered, and we want to change that to improve our relationships in general, that's a great goal. If we are guilty of not validating what someone is saying (trying to solve a problem instead of just listening, dismissing their fears as unimportant, etc), that might be an area of improvement. It's just a good time for some self reflection while we are planning our unexpected future.

For myself, I was so busy taking care of everything, that my H stopped doing anything. I didn't realize how much more I kept taking on, because it wasn't getting done "fast enough". I was so busy, I didn't prioritize what had to be done NOW, with what could wait, or what I could pass off and let it be on his shoulders if it never got done. I now give him his own paperwork to do. If it doesn't affect my credit rating, not my problem. If he gets pulled over for expired tags, not my problem. If his laundry isn't done because it never made it to the clothes hamper, not my problem. I had taken away H's ownership of his own stuff. Did that cause the destruction of my marriage? It would be a pretty stupid reason if it did, when all H had to say was "Hey, I'd like to do my own paperwork, would you just leave it on my desk?"

[Ready2Transform]

The whole "own your part" is such a cliché. They had a personal breakdown. If your spouse had cancer, would you have to "own your part" in that, too?

I think we focus a bit much on "change" as well. It can be a lot of pressure on the newbies who hear that and are already jumping through hoops to come up with answers to make their spouse stay. Screw that.

Some people may choose to use this as an opportunity to make changes consciously. This situation CHANGES us. I think for most, though, we were pretty good people, who, unfortunately, now need to focus on "recovery" from this trauma, far more than we need "change". If we find other things we want to amend during the course of that, good for us. If not, good for us.

[Thunder]

super,

I think you're right.  You were to close to the situation to see it or to change it.

But I think when you take awhile to really look at what happened, you do see things were not perfect.  None of us are perfect and no marriage is perfect.  We may have done things differently had we realized it at the time but you don't.

So could we have played a role in the destruction of our marriage?  I don't really think so.  We have no idea what our spouse is thinking unless they tell us.  Most never do just suddenly want out.  Leaving us reeling.

I can now see things that I didn't before but nothing was bad enough to require a divorce.  My H did things I wasn't crazy about too but I wouldn't have left him over them.  Like I said nothing was bad enough to required a divorce.

I've worked on some of my issues but only now that I'm aware of them.
Guess I agree that line should not be put in there.  Makes you feel like it's partly your fault and I don't believe that.
I believe when a crisis hits someone there is no blaming on either side.  Not even the MLCers.  They just go off to some La La Land in their head.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Thanks for this thread Super, I was told for years that I was a great wife and mother. He also told me for years, that all of our issues were because of the Marine Corps until BD. Then it was because of my issues.

I don't like this it takes 2 BS either. I did all that I could to make the marriage work, even after BD. I was the one that read all the books, went to the seminars and workshops. I worked for and on the marriage, he made this choice and left. My kids and I have to pick up the pieces. Besides, they ditch the kids too. And, if the OP has kids, they take care of them instead. You don't hear anyone asking what the kids part was in the spouse leaving. They're often told that they have made the MLCer miserable and ruined their lives too.

Just my 2 cents.

[Medusa]

The way I see it, whatever things we might have done wrong (and we all did things) became magnified and used as an excuse for the implosion.

After BD, one "friend" told me how this was all my fault, that I drive him away because I was working on my doctorate. BS. If he was that miserable, all he had to to was take me aside and tell me he was close to sticking his member somewhere it shouldn't be going. Guarantee that would have gotten my attention.

He didn't. The rest is MLC history.

We do need to look to ourselves because sometimes they do say things that have truth to them. I have owned up to the fact that I did become somewhat overly focused on my education in the months before BD. I also know it wouldn't have made an iota of difference. I looked to other parts of me, too, and consciously changed those parts I realized I didn't like. He did help me with that through his comments and actions.

It is true, though, that the newbies may get the idea that making changes will bring them back. A few weeks after BD when I saw my first therapist, she recommended I wear bright colors to react tract him. Seemed reasonable to me! I was utterly clueless and went shopping. Well guess what I realized: somehow my wardrobe had become black, gray, and beige. I swear,no haven't worn beige since March 2013 (can't give up the occasional black or gray). So some changes that we make initially for them become changes we keep for us. Others fall by the wayside.

It's all part of the progress.

[in it]

I have an aunt that recently told me I have to take responsibility of what happened in my part of the relationship..uhmm. I was in the relationship by myself as far as I'm concerned even when he and I were married.. I didn't ask to be manhandled or abused the way he abused me. His communication skills were sorely lacking. He had zero respect for me.

And although he allowed the exow to come into everyone's life ( the girls never met her but she lived in the family home) there would have been nothing I could do about it then. Or even before that. This is their C-H-O-I-C-E.

As far as going back? I offered he didn't have to say yes. I offered out of compassion for him and I didn't want to see the family separated when a family pet had a blood clot lodged in his femoral artery and we didn't know if he was going to live. One thing led to another and I ended up staying there.

Now when only ONE person is working on ( what I thought might be) a relationship ( which was me) it isn't going to get anywhere.

I know I did whatever I could after I went back. It isn't happening again. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to try to be.

[SwiftCovenant]

Simply put in most marriages both partners may have issues or patterns of behavior that maybe annoying to the other, and some could eventually be dealbreakers if not addressed.  In a healthy, committed marriage spouses will work on these issues until they are resolved and/or they can work on a compromise that is acceptable.

MLC is a whole different animal.  MLC is where is person is running from their own personal demons and decides to throw out the baby (the marriage) with the bathwater.

None of us (LBSers) are perfect, but even if we were MLC would still throw out the perfect spouse.

Can we all improve in some areas?  Of course, but we have to do it for ourselves first.  Nothing we could've have done would have stopped our MLCer's crisis.

[M3chwarrior]

All spot on. There was nothing in our marriage that was bad enough to bring about this implosion. Yes, there were things that could have been better, but all of those things only needed communication, and a little effort to fix. This mlc made those things look huge and insurmountable in her eyes, and she had to get out. This is all due to the issues in her past that she has never dealt with, smothered down and supressed, until they had nowhere else to go but out. I and the marriage became the easiest target for her projection. So in my eyes, yes, there are things that could have been worked on, and I have and an continuing to do so. However, this would have happened anyway since her issues have never been resolved. Once her issues are processed and she begins to heal, then maybe she will see that "us" wasn't really the problem after all.

[superdog]

Thank you. I will try and put the link the HB's site where she says this directly. Cant do this on my ipad.

I agree we had differences absolutely, but i would say, he didnt. I have mr. Uber passive aggressive who sulks and stonewalls like a child. Never stood a chance with that. I did not contribute to the destruction. The destruction came from his atrocious actions and behavior, thats what killed it.

My hope on starting this is so newbies can take in the fact that changes may not be needed unless they want to.

I agree with everything you are all saying. Reading some of the replies, even i can see from when i first came here how much you guys have grown.

I have actually gone back to the person i was, my core self. I like it a lot. I never quite understood how stifled and criticised i had been till i stopped listening. I changed back, only this time maturity will not allow me to be changed again.

Sd
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