Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: mountainbiker2 on January 07, 2016, 11:00:51 AM
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I figured I would start a new topic after I saw a reply from Split open and melt on someone else's story. It seems from what i can find that for wives that go through crisis, or start affairs, its generally a bit different than the typical MLC male.
Quote from Split Open and Melt:
Unfortunately, reconciliation stories from men with MLC wives are few and far between. Good luck finding one here. But the first thing you will need to accept is that you can't guide your wife back, and likely any attempt will have the opposite effect. The best you can do is be the best YOU for yourself and your kid, and hope your W finds her way back on her own.
Would you agree with that, that women take longer to miss their old life/marriage and want to come back, maybe because the dynamics where MLC wife is convinced that her husband is weak and can't provide for her, or she is trapped and needs rescuing, where the MLC male has different reasons for leaving?
Or is it a case that the LBS Husband is more likely to stop standing and move on quicker, or is less forgiving?
I would like to see what other LBS Husbands have went through, if there are any positive stories, if they really are that different than a MLC male? Are most divorces usually initiated or agreed by the husband after they have finally given up?
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Hi
I am a LBS who's H has left but I felt I had to comment on your discussion
IF someone is in MLC then they are experiencing depression and dealing with a chemical imbalance regardless of their gender...
Whereas this forum is filled with kind caring compassionate men, for some men the deal breaker is the affair....for some women too
but generally I think men see this as a bridge too far...
IMO..
As for a success story (not from here) but I bumped into some friends of H & I that I had not seen for some time, so they did not know what had happened
to us.
I told them about H's MLC and they were so shocked but then went on to say this had happened to another couple they had been friends with for over 25 years.
They suddenly got an Xmas card from the H a few years ago and noticing it was just from him, telephoned him and heard his W had left suddenly saying she had been unhappy for most of their married life, he was devastated.
They invited him round for dinner and heard the whole story but felt, as they had been friends with both they should also phone the wife and invite her on another evening.
She came round to them and said pretty much the script of how unhappy she had been, said some awful things about her H (which had come as a total surprise to my friends as they had always seen them as being a very close happy couple) and she had got her own flat, said she had started divorce proceedings, was seeing someone else and was looking forward to a new life.
However, two years later, she contacted her H (she didn't pursue the divorce) and they got back together.
The went round my friends house together for dinner and she said she didn't know what had happened to her, she called it 'her period of madness'
They have been together ever since....
I am currently working my way through the members list finding stories which relate to mine, I cut and paste a lot of information, inspirational quotes etc. which help me on down days and also to see if there is any common things (it has been very interesting).
what I have found is there are more reconciliations on here than I realised (some female MLC's too) not all the people who have reconciled have lilac and purple books and not all have changed their status to "home and rebuilding".
From what I have read there are several factors that can lead to a reconciliation, sadly most of them are out of the LBS's hands, the things that are in our hands are to pave the way, so they know the door is open, not to pursue and to be compassionate
Take care x
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I have two girlfriends who I can now see likely had MLC affairs. One admits she had a MLC; the other told me she had the affair to feel like a different person which sounds like MLC.
One has gone back to her husband three times; one left, came back, and is living in a separate room.
So my IRL experience is that yes they can come back.
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Oh boy mb,
Right away 2 women jump on board, even though we were not asked. :o
I do agree men find it harder to forgive an affair, in general. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe a male ego thing?
What do you think? Maybe women don't trust they will forgive them so they don't try as often as men do??
Also and I may get a 2X4 for this but it has been proven women tend to be happier single, than men are. Most women who end up single, even if they have a bf, like the new found freedom. I can't explain it but that's just what I read. All I can offer is maybe after years of being mother and wife they need time for themselves??? I don't know.
Just thought I'd offer that.
Ok, sorry..on to the guys. :)
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Hi MB2. There are stories of W returns on the forum. You will have to look to find them, and the purple icons are not the only or even the most reliable indicator.
I actually think there are similarities in MLCers of all genders: a deep inner hurt; projection onto the spouse; and a compulsion to run.
There are also similar behaviours: rewriting history; anger/monstering; age regression are just a few. But each situation as much as it has elements in common, is also unique.
Including the reactions and response of the spouse.
My own observation (and it's only an observation) is that the male LBSs tend to respond more angrily, and move on more quickly. Not all, of course. It does seem that the male LBSers tend to have a harder time forgiving. Again, each situation is individual, and female LBSers also move n quickly, respond angrily, and struggle to forgive.
This takes a long time, and requires patience. Grace. Forgiveness. And Agape love if you really want to restore your marriage. Read the articles. Then read them again, and again.
All that said, I personally am very close to two women who left their Hs and returned. One took 6 years, one took 18.
I know the Hs well. They lived their lives, loved their Ws, continued to support their children, and continued to hope without expectation. Neither of them moved forward with any formal legal proceedings.
Were the women MLCers? I can't say for sure. What I can say is they both returned and both couples swear their lives are better for it.
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My wife walked away a little over 6 months ago, moved out 2 days after BD. I begged and pleaded for 2 days, and told her when she moved out that I was like her, I didn't beg. So I did a bunch of 180's, Last Resort Technique, and DB'd it like crazy. Took care of myself.
I still hold out hope. Have detached, do my own thing, and have no expectations. Even have had some periods of NC (no kids). She hasn't wavered one bit, and seems to want the D very soon. Lots of contradictions in many things she does though. She hasn't been a monster, angry a time or two mostly because her parents are all over her and are siding with me. But she has just been off doing her own thing, me too.
I'm a pretty forgiving person, and not really ready to move on. I don't consider myself weak because of that, just someone who believes in the sanctity of marriage and really do not want to toss away 20 reasonably good years.
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My wife walked away a little over 6 months ago, moved out 2 days after BD. I begged and pleaded for 2 days, and told her when she moved out that I was like her, I didn't beg. So I did a bunch of 180's, Last Resort Technique, and DB'd it like crazy. Took care of myself.
I still hold out hope. Have detached, do my own thing, and have no expectations. Even have had some periods of NC (no kids). She hasn't wavered one bit, and seems to want the D very soon. Lots of contradictions in many things she does though. She hasn't been a monster, angry a time or two mostly because her parents are all over her and are siding with me. But she has just been off doing her own thing, me too.
I'm a pretty forgiving person, and not really ready to move on. I don't consider myself weak because of that, just someone who believes in the sanctity of marriage and really do not want to toss away 20 reasonably good years.
That sounds similar to me, first BD was a few months before you though. My wife might be a bit more boomerang than yours though, contacts me about once every 2 days and lately seems to be cycling towards, although I can't be certain and have no expectations of anything right now. Difference also is that we own a business still together, which she is probably scared of ending which is why she hasn't vanished or filed for divorce.
Also she has been extremely secretive about OM but I'm fairly certain that he is still in the picture, their relationship is now about 7 months, I have no clue as to any other details. Actually just received a christmas package for him(!) at our office from one of his family members, not sure what is up with that, makes me wonder why my wife would have them do that, is there really no other address they can send to? Is he in jail or traveling or something? I have no idea and Im not asking questions, just staying detached...
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Attaching!
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My wife had an EA that was only a month old when she started detaching in early June. Since she jumped ship in July, they've spent lots of time on the phone talking and texting each other. Anywhere from 50-80 phone calls a month, 500-1200 text messages a month. I quit looking at her social media a few weeks after she left, check his every now and then. When I do see a pic of her on his pages, it's in a group and not standing near each other. Not fooling me.
After BD, she would email every day, not on weekends, but always wanted to know what I was doing on the weekends. That stopped 2 months in, emails became colder. Probably because I was GAL and vague. Sometimes I will get a chatty email, not sure what she is thinking half the time. I haven't responded to an email in 9 days.
She's still friends with some cousins and some of my family on Facebook. She has liked some of their photos they posted this week, even one of a distant cousin of mine she'd only met a handful of times in 20 years. Wow. Even liked my brother's family photo on XMas night. That was a big what the hell from me!!!
Even though I hold out hope, I let her go, and decided to chose myself and my self-respect over her crisis. Still not easy, good days and bad days.
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Hi mountainbiker, there was a similar thread started about reconciliation with Male LBS's sometime within the last year. It had some interesting stories in it. Stand by and I'll try to search it up.
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Found it! Here ya go:
"Female Return Stories"
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5580.0
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Hi!
I ran into this one way back when I first started trying to figure out wtf was happening in my life and I hung on to it because there are always people looking for this kind of hope. This dude endured and came out the other side:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/40756-she-moving-back-home.html.
Hope this helps.
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Just a note:
Over on Divorce Busting is a man named Cali who is in the process of reconnecting and reconciliation with his wife. He details his up and down battle honestly and directly. Included in some of his trials are a wife with a life long STD from the OM, as well as her slow progress and sex starved marriage. His journey, to me, details some of the reasons few men stand half as long as many women seem to remain standing.
He is a funny guy and a great read from the beginning.
He is now at the point when it is his decision what happens just as they say.
Also over there is a man named Forever Young who is even farther on in reconciling with his wife. The two live together, vacation together, and rarely fight. They are slowly but steadily building and have come miles from where they were.
The patience of these men is astounding, as is their capacity to forgive, make themselves vulnerable, not walk around a steaming ball of anger, and have gotten honest with themselves. They are not wallowing in misery nor are they standing still. They don't seem to take crap nor accept it from their wives. They are pretty impressive MEN.
Best LP
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Another guy over on TAM reconciled, DayOne.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/221290-day-one.html
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attaching
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Hi!
I ran into this one way back when I first started trying to figure out wtf was happening in my life and I hung on to it because there are always people looking for this kind of hope. This dude endured and came out the other side:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/40756-she-moving-back-home.html.
Hope this helps.
That one doesn't seem like full on MLC to me (although I didn't read through the entire topic), she wanted divorce but didn't move out until 9 months later, and then 4 months after that moved back and they reconciled?
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Read through some of those stories, found steppingstone's story which is a good positive one: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5814.0
A lot of them are scary, with multiple PA's, going off the deep end, drinking, (the STD above) etc. which I hope isn't my story soon. I think I would be calling it quits.
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Bd for me was 18 months ago and ive been divorced for 5 months now. Succes is letting go of all expectations and taking responsibility for your own happiness. Mine is one of the "scary" stories but that had nothing to do with why i filed for divorce after 6 months. I forgive my x, still care for her and communicate with her regularly about more than just the kids. She has admitted to others that she "destroyed her marriage and family" and is no happier for it. She has followed the mlc road map laid out here to a t. If she ever tries to come back i will deal with at that time.
I can't speak for every man but i am happy to share why i chose to file for divorce. The simple answer is we both needed it. My x needed to be divorced to move through her crisis bur more importantly i needed to do it for myself. Learning to end a bad relationship was part of the growth process i needed to go through. My x has reached out to thank me for my kindness over the past 18 months and she has apologized to me on several occasions. Ladies, not ALL men are driven by ego. Sometimes the mature thing to do is accept someone for who they are now and allow them to be that person. My desire to hold on to a person that no longer exists was harmful to everyone, including my children. They needed to see me move on with compassion so they could let go of the hope that mom might come back some day.
The divorce has allowed us both to move forward. My x asked to come over for Christmas morning to watch the kids open gifts. She stayed for almost 2 hours until it was time for the kids and i to go to grandpas. For the 1st time in 18 months i hugged the woman that was once my wife. It was sad, she felt frail while i am the healthiest i have ever been. Anyways, i know this isnt the success story you are looking for but sometimes we need to redefine our definition of success.
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Love your story. Thanks.
Antigone
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I've done a lot of research on women and MLC and it does appear they are far less likely to come back than the men. Of the cases I've seen where it does happen it's often way past the MLC timeline.
Many men I know are of the the belief based on their past dating experiences that once a woman truly emotionally and physically goes to another man....she's gone. She might come back if she has no other options or to make a reluctant OM jealous enough to commit, but few men want to be be seen as having no self respect, a spare tire or emotional foil and try to make a fresh start without her.
I'm over four and a half years post BD now, my X was a Vanisher and virtually wrote me, my family and most of our friends out of her life the day she left...Personally I'd find the idea of her ever calling wanting to come back now after living with another man for over 4 years as disgusting and the worst sort of entitlement..
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Hi Dji, I constantly am thinking about that decision.
I feel like that will complicate things a lot for me, and I don't think the pain I will have to go through with divorce and dissolving our business will make me want to continue to stand or even consider reconciliation down the road. I do think it would help her get through her crisis though as you said, I foresee her going downhill fast and probably increase replay behavior a lot, which would be scary to watch.
I did see another comment about the actual number of success stories vs the number of MLCs happening, I guess it really doesn't make a difference between male/female as for both the actual number of successful reconciliations are pretty slim at this point, and I'm assuming that is because of the extremely long timeframe that it takes for the crisis to happen, the amount of pain inflicted causes LBSs to give up and move on long before that finishes.
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It's also worth mentioning that not all men who come here and post their stories stick around and continue to update us. There may be success stories out there that we never hear about...which is unfortunate.
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Wondering if it's simply a factor of numbers. It *appears* that more men than women experience midlife crisis and there's also the notion that women are more likely to seek out others and post online in places such as HS, so we read about more situations with men as the MLCer & women as the LBS.
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Hi All,
Thought I would add my experience to this discussion .
My W left two years ago at the end of December 2013.
She was very distant leading up to BD. The usual script...dont touch me etc etc.
My youngest Daughter informed me of her Mothers affair on FB after her Mother had left for a weeks holiday at a friends place.
Since then my w has traveled to Holland to meet with the "old" boyfriend and declares her undying love for him.
Leaving her Family and me devastated. She has since returned to Australia where we live and has little or no contact with myself or our Children.
I am more than happy to forgive my wife for her "little mistake" as she puts it. But she has told me she does not need my forgiveness.
She has now moved to another state and by all accounts is happy to continue with her "new life".
I have seen nothing in her behavior in the last two years to indicate any remorse or any intention to repair our Marriage of 25 years.
She has told people that she wants to move to Holland to be with this person and renounce everything that she had.
Would I take her back..........Yes because I believe that we had a good Marriage and somehow she has lost her way.
Will I stand for what I believe in....Yes. Will I wait forever......No.
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I'm thinking,
Good men have a tendency to move along.
JMHO
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Do we really move along.
After the Women that we trusted and Loved for all those years just throw us away like yesterdays paper.
I think not.
It will take someone very very special to get my heart again.
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This is very good for me, thanks.
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You know I just wonder how long it takes them to reflect on the bizarre and crazy antics they did/said in the first year or so.
I have no R talks (so I have no idea what he thinks about this) with my X but if he ever does look back he'd almost have to laugh at how crazy he was. Frantically cutting every gray hair off his body, working out like a maniac and going from one form of exercise to the next. Does he even remember?
He no longer does all that but I wonder sometimes if he saw how much he changed.
Sorry, had nothing to do with the discussion. ::)
I agree with RoseTint. I think it's that more women than men who seek help on line, etc. I really think if men reconcile they would probably stop writing on sites like this so you don't really see all the men who have reconciled. Women tend to stick around after to help others.
Doesn't make us better, we're just more likely to nurture others.
Men are fixers, women are the nurturers. Just the way we are. :)
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I know a bunch of guys from this site that no longer post here. Of the group (15+) there is only one i would consider a recon story. Healthy people eveuntally move on imo.
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There are a bunch of us guys who originally were members here and on the "Life Two" forums who keep in touch on a private forum. Most of us are from the class of 2010-11 and to date none of the wives have come back, we still support one another on rebuilding our lives and compare notes about the process.
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That's depressing to hear, isn't it mb?
The reality is its very possible she wont come back, that's why we have to change things up and live our lives.
Hope can still remain in your heart, though. MLCer's do sometimes turn back to home. There just are no guarantees.
I pray your situation is one of the success stories. You just never know.
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Ya for sure, I'm hoping since my W is boomerang type and is staying closer, hasn't even moved any of her stuff and isn't really living in her own place (just staying at a "friends" and considers herself homeless at the moment), that there is a better chance as she isn't completely convinced of her decisions it seems. I guess i will see in the next few months though, seems to be in limbo now but I know somethings got to happen at some point.
There was the comment that wives tend to take the scorched earth route, I feel mine hasn't been quite that way, seems actually more in line with a lot of the MLC Male stories, and I still feel I get more frequent contact than most but not quite clinging boomerang, at least not yet. I have a feeling it could go that way though, I guess it all depends on what OM situation is, which I'm sure I will find out at some point somehow.
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Well good, it does sound like it could go either way.
Just patience and low expectations are in order for you now. :)
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I hold out hope for mine too. However, she moved almost all of her stuff out at the 5 month mark. We are just passing the 6 month mark, and while I have hope, I have no expectations.
I've been NC for close to 2 weeks now, but expect the D email any minute now.
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Hi MB,
Class of 2011 here and my XW has wavered between Boomerang and Clinging Boomerang, but so far no remorse for the events surrounding BD or the divorce along with no return talks. What I HAVE noticed is that she has been much more appreciative of me and seems to be trying on her mom/ wife identity for longer stretches at a time with the biggest step being going on a vacation with the kids and I over New Years and actually spending the night under the same roof as me for the first time since 2011. It seems she's trying to integrate "us" into her life but very, very slowly. Not sure what the future holds as this may have just been the last hurrah.....or it could be something much greater. Time will tell. Incidentally, I'm one of the LifeTwo brothers that BH mentioned and can recall a couple from that site whose W's returned (even though one may have not been all the way through the tunnel). We also had a long-time poster here, Rebel Yell, who seemed to be moving toward an R but I haven't heard from him in quite some time. As someone said, it may well be that people just want to put this period in their lives behind them and focus on the present and future after R rather than sticking around and being reminded of what it was like by reading through the threads. I know it would be tempting to completely close the book on this chapter of my life if XW and I ever R. Not saying I will, but still......
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I hold out hope for mine too. However, she moved almost all of her stuff out at the 5 month mark. We are just passing the 6 month mark, and while I have hope, I have no expectations.
I've been NC for close to 2 weeks now, but expect the D email any minute now.
Ya my wife already had the seriously want a divorce discussion with me a couple weeks ago, but she started crying profusely half way through and I assumed she wasn't serious so I left.
I assume the same thing, that she will move her stuff out before actually filing for divorce.
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Mine has been one cool customer. Cold and calculating. She hasn't cried a tear that I've seen since the day after BD when she claimed to still love me.
She has 2 closets of non-essential stuff still left in the house, and some shared property which I assume we'll split up.
I honestly think if she did not have her EA whispering in her ear, along with a divorced woman she works with, I might have had a shot. But, I didn't try to get in the way of her EA. I suspected it in the last 2-3 weeks before BD, but didn't actively investigate it. Once she left, I discovered who it was by cell logs, and by then she had already moved out. Not sure it would have done me any good to let her know I knew, so I let her go. I'm on my path, she is on her path. My path is the high road.
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Funny, that is one thing I have seen is a wide range of emotions, almost to the point where I question if it is MLC (until I remember that she was acting exactly like an MLCer a while before and after BDs).
I have seen lots of crying, guilt (after things were found out mostly), indecision, happiness and complete indifference, and even a bit of remorse I think at one point. We've even done a couple dinners, a hike, and one counseling session, all which didn't go that great.
Since i have detached, it seems to be more indifference and sometimes cordial/almost even caring, and she mentioned the other day something about being depressed, but then she disappears again.
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I believe my wife has cycled between a lot of those feelings. The guilt is there for sure, and maybe a hint of remorse, but only when describing her "ache". The indifference kills me though. It makes me feel like she is trivializing 20 years of marriage.
She was very caring leading up to moving all of her furniture out into storage Thanksgiving weekend. Then it all turned indifferent. I've not been able to pin any of it down, it's just all so odd. Too many contradictions in all of this.
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My BD was only 7 months ago, July 2015, so I am still new to this. She did move out for 1 month after BD and we lived together for a month before I moved out due to Monster antics upon her return. In the ensuing months we have been in contact 15 times when she reached out to me. She has an alienator but nothing physical that I know of. She has been very clear on those visits with me. She cannot forgive herself. She is angry this has happened to her, angry at God and the world. She describes her alienator as a magnet. She thinks of him all day and has no control over her thoughts. She is obssessed with him, phone calls, internet, fantasies, etc. Thankfully he has no interest in her and filed a complaint against her at work. I have already forgiven her, Ive seen the pain that she is in. Until she gets out of her own way I dont believe she will be ready to return. I have also been told by many Dr, that this dopamine addiction that she has is very difficult to overcome. I do believe it gets better. 3 contact days from August thru November. We had 12 days contact in December before going back into the fog. Keeping my expectations low until she can find it in her heart to forgive herself.
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Hi all:
Class of 2008 - My X chose the path of cruelty as she justified her actions. 5 year anniversary of divorce was Wednesday. Reconciliation/redemption remains unlikely.
Mac