Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: bookwrmmom on January 18, 2016, 02:25:38 PM
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I am wondering if those of you that have been traveling this road for a while find yourself less tolerant of being treated with disrespect? Not just with the MLCer but with family members as well. Do you tell people faster these days that they have over-stepped your boundaries?
I had an ah-ha moment Friday on my way home from work. This was after yet another disagreement with my mother. I have realized that I have allowed many people in my life (MLCer, ex-FIL, my mother, her a-hole husband, and probably a few others) to bully me. I have also found that I am so much quicker now to put my foot down on that behavior.
I have decided that as much as I love my mother, I am done with toxic relationships. So this means for a while I must love her from afar. She has turned into an angry and bitter woman that I no longer know. She has become very bitter and angry since she became a full-time caregiver of my disabled sister, and also the repeated affairs that her POS husband has had. The affairs started before my sister became disabled, and this was the beginning of her unhappiness.
Truthfully though looking back, I allowed them to over-step boundaries for a long time. I am DONE, done with all the BS. This is yet another difficult choice, but I do not know what else to do.
So friends, do you find yourself less willing to put up with toxic BS?
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I am more easily able to identify toxic people in my life. I am better able to lay down and maintain healthy boundaries. I am no longer willing to suck it up and just deal until I get angry enough to explode.
I had quite the blow out with my mother done time ago. I told her I was done with her and her controlling nasty behavior, that I would not play that game with her ever again. She wrote me the typical guilt filled letter days later but I simply did not respond. Then she adjusted her behavior still with no admittance of guilt but she is clear on the fact that I am done with the nonsense so she is careful around me. That's fine with me. I long ago came to the conclusion that she is what she is, a narcissist. Now I'm just not willing to play the game. She can act like she has some sense or I will erase her from my life. Period.
I think for many of us, peace was hard fought. When we achieve it we will protect it energetically. That is my focus. I'm done on the crazy train. That's in all aspects of my life. Done is done.
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Much less tolerant.
Went NC with a toxic mother again.
Had an Aunt I couldn't deal with her inconsideration..Went Nc with her.She called me the other day.I'm making it very clear with her what I will not tolerate. And lets see if the relationship gets healthier.
I may have to give her son a piece of my mind to over an ignorant comment he made.
I had some trouble at work with some personal things said to me by a supervisor. .I went straight to the manager.Not a peep out of her since.
We may have gotten more sensitive to these things now? I don't see that as a bad thing.
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I am less tolerant because I can see it better now. It used to be that I saw it eventually, after being stepped on so badly that the only choice was to leave the situation.
Now I see it quicker and I realize that I have zero responsibility for it - before I would continue to try to make it better/fix it. Not anymore! I distance myself when necessary and address it when needed.
I have learned that my actions can influence the situation so I act accordingly. If that doesn't work then I will stand up for myself. I used to wait until the disrespect got so bad that I lost my power to put up boundaries.
It also helps that I have healthier role models around me now too - seeing boundaries enforced in a healthy way has been empowering for me.
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I'm getting there. :) I'm not yet fully where I want to be, with healthy boundaries, but a long long way from how I was before BD. Was surpriced over my oldest son who said, when I was complaining about XH brothers who bought into XH BS. He said "Mum, you can decide if you want to talk or be with them, you don't have to, it's up to you! That has been on my mind since he said it. He also said, mum you told us, what was going on and how it will play out (I showed them MLC for dummies) then you get upset when things turn out the way you predicted. Don't be! He's a clever boy!
NC with XH, NC with his 2 brother and the one SIL that is married to one brother (she reaches out to me through FB, really strange, not one phone call, but she lurks on my FB and the other SIL FB a lot)
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Completely. Funny, I used to have good boundaries, but with all the gaslighting lost myself over the past four years as the MLC ramped up. (man, but it's funny to see it all in hindsight-I wouldn't even invite anyone over during that time and couldn't figure out why.)
Now I simply address whatever it is. If I feel slimed, I've been slimed. I don't bother to try to second guess what the intention is, I ask if they meant X. It gives someone the opportunity to correct what they said if they didn't realize it came out wrong, and puts a spotlight on someone who was trying to zing something at you.
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Would never tolerate mistreatment again, absolutely better at detaching or saying bye. But at the same time, things don't get under my skin like they used to. Responding not reacting has lowered my own personal drama, so in some cases, it may appear that I can tolerate more, but in reality it's all just not bothering me as much.
LBS benefits? I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em!
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Thanks so much for all the responses. My mother Has gone the way of the MLCer as far as being the "victim". Everything is everyone else's fault. She forgot that she had choices. She chose to bring home my sister (her oldest child) at 61 years old (she is now almost 65) and care 24/7 for a quadriplegic. She is angry and resentful, and frankly just a real b!tch. She chose to continue to put up with a serial cheater and drunk for the past 23 1/2 years. Now granted she didn't know he was a cheater until about the past 7 years or so, but she has known since long before marrying him that he is a drunk.
I read an article earlier called "The 7 deadly emotions of caregiving" and she fits most of them. She expects my 19 year old child and I to help take up the slack for my sisters adult children.......who literally can be barely bothered to call their mom. She went behind my back and hired my daughter full time as soon as she turned 18 as an aide for my sis KNOWING I had already said I didn't want her to do it. My daughter is now in a position that she needs a full time job, and is afraid to quit because she is afraid they will hate her. The environment is toxic, and miserable. Anyway I am bowing out, she accused me of doing nothing to help her (anyone who knows me knows that couldn't be farther from the truth). Not being there for her when she needs me.
When you talk to her it is all about me, me, me, me, me. How everyone is mistreating me (her). I will add that she now has help from 8am-10pm 5 days a week, and 8 hours a day on the weekends. She rarely has to do a thing during the week for my sister except giver her her 6am meds. My sis rarely wakes up in the middle of the night anymore, and my mother sleeps her life away (depression). She is having real heart problems now, and I am concerned for her health. However she refuses to make the changes she needs due to the money she receives for taking care of my sister. Yes it is about the money-she loves my sister but usually they cannot stand each other-been that way for years and years. It is a real mess, and this is the 2nd time in the past 5 months that she has gotten pi$$ed me for no good reason. The first time was because I wouldn't leave my boyfriend alone on the SAME DAY of his mom's funeral to come sit with my sister.......for her to go to a dove hunt/cookout.........really? Live him alone literally right after the funeral for her to go play. Sorry, that wasn't gonna happen. So she didn't speak to me for a month.
Anyway it is a mess, and I am sick to death of narcissists.
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I am sick of narccists too..
They play the victim so often they ought to carry around their own body chalk.
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I am sick of narccists too..
They play the victim so often they ought to carry around their own body chalk.
LOL, in it! I'll have to remember that line the next time H starts blaming me.
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I can relate to what RTR said!
Would never tolerate mistreatment again, absolutely better at detaching or saying bye. But at the same time, things don't get under my skin like they used to. Responding not reacting has lowered my own personal drama, so in some cases, it may appear that I can tolerate more, but in reality it's all just not bothering me as much.
LBS benefits? I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em!"
MUCH better at responding rather than reacting - best part for me! I've become so much better at dealing with issues at work: If someone is acting unfairly to me or someone else, better at (calmly but firmly) speaking up, with smaller issues to choose my battles. Better at knowing which problems I own, and better at not letting things "get to me".
Also, more patient with S, bot stronger but clearer boundaries and expectations. Before I was often more inauthentic with my patience in a way, being "patient" but penting up frustrations and then getting really angry. Also related to stress in the time leading up to BD though, I think.
Gx
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I think I have become better at saying to people that I am not happy to be treated badly , I think before I had counselling I would tend to not say anything and then be resentful (which is just what H did at BD) . Now I am more confident at saying "please do not treat me like this" or "please do not project your issues onto me " .
Callan
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I am much calmer when dealing with these things, but also less tolerant of the BS. Life is too darn short to deal with constant drama. Life is too short to only look at the bad in every situation. I am a "glass 1/2 full" girl and always have been. Yes it took me a while to recover from MLC, but even through the worst part of it I knew I wanted to be happy again.
I do not react to drama as much these days.....that is a good thing.
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I still haven't perfected the "respond not react thing" :P
I guess after so many years of dealing with this type personality (constant crisis chaos , drama, inconsideration etc) has left me needing to deal with a situation sooner than later.
Too many years of fixing it( or trying to) for others is exhausting.I just fix it for me ASAP.
In RL some of the reaction might appear severe to others? Like going NC.Or it might be a rant.But I have to do what needs to be done to protect me.
This whole thing has left me with not half empty or a half full glass. I'm just grateful to have a glass and there's something in it. :P
I have become better at not taking things personally.But I am not as accepting of peoples lack of effort and or behavior towsrds me as I used to be.
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Just went home to see my family for the holidays and I was blown away by the amount of disrespect, sneaking around, and lack of boundaries my family seems to have. It has been years since I spent any decent time with them, and I'm amazed at how much awful behavior was considered a tolerable daily thing.
I got frustrated though, and stuck my nose in between a couple arguments. One situation I think improved, and the other I probably should have just kept my mouth shut on. Detatch, detatch! Lol
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I am more easily able to identify toxic people in my life.
I've come a long way since first coming to these boards in 2013. (I just read along now).
The above quote sums up where I am.
I've had to go NC on one of my nieces who although she was part of my initial support system, I could see she was revelling in my misery and trying to manipulate me in a way that xW did.
Once I realised this, "Boom !!" you're gone.
Funny thing is she's made a few "Touch n Go" attempts to get in contact with me, but to be honest I'm not interested.
Same goes for a few idiots at work who I can now see them for what they really are.
Lanzo
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Completely. Funny, I used to have good boundaries, but with all the gaslighting lost myself over the past four years as the MLC ramped up. (man, but it's funny to see it all in hindsight-I wouldn't even invite anyone over during that time and couldn't figure out why.)
Now I simply address whatever it is. If I feel slimed, I've been slimed. I don't bother to try to second guess what the intention is, I ask if they meant X. It gives someone the opportunity to correct what they said if they didn't realize it came out wrong, and puts a spotlight on someone who was trying to zing something at you.
WOW! Offroad, you just wrote, nearly word for word, what I was about to answer....
Yes, and in fact, that is one of the things that my MLC W complains about is that I am "too strict / too conservative" because I DON'T allow people (even my own kids) to be disrespectful... Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT a "Sir/Ma'am" kind of person at all but, if I ask a question, I expect an answer. I listen to them until they are done and I expect the same (not to be interrupted). I expect to be able to talk to other people without being interrupted by my kids (OK, if there's blood involved, someone is about to die or the house is on fire, that's different) but simple respect for others is my motto..... The REAL Golden Rule : Love your neighbors as yourself.
If I don't want it done to me, I don't do it to others... OK, I am not by any means perfect but that is my guiding motto....
And I am "too strict" or "too conservative" because of it.... :-X
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I am sick of narccists too..
They play the victim so often they ought to carry around their own body chalk.
;D
My MLC W's father was one of those... MLC/Narcissist/Psychopath....
And it was always the "evil women" that were out to get him... XW1, XW2, XGF1-<x> they were all bad people and it was never his fault....
The apple doesn't far from the tree
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I am not sure I would consider myself "less tolerant" .
I would say I now respect and value myself more.
The Pre-BD Airmid put everyone else's needs and desires first.
I was like Cinderella - and everyone else got to go to the ball.
I accept now that people come in all different flavors.
Some of those flavors I don't want or need.
If I see a lot of projection - a lot of blame coming my way - I just extract myself.
I have no idea how I might react to H is he ever crossed my doorway - but I do know I no longer chase people to secure a relationship with them.
Case in point is my friend Sandpiper.
He got some bee in his bonnet about my not letting him take two weeks at my beach house for free so that he could entertain his friends. Now I don't hear at all from him.
I reached out to him at Thanksgiving - and then again at Christmas - I have not heard from him since and I don't plan to reach out again.
I am not sure if I would say I am less tolerant.
I simply am no longer willing to put my head on the chopping block in order to have a friendship/relationship etc.
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What does it say about society today that there are expectations on everything! Expecting to be rewarded for something that living a good, nontoxic life, doing for other as you want done to you (Golden Rule, UrsaMajor! :) is a chore and not an honor. Society has unfortunately gotten away from this and everything now is about the ME, ME, ME mentality. Something doesn't work, throw it away and get new. What ever happened to fixing things (and I am not talking strictly here about relationships). So sad that this is what the world has come to. But there are many that are good, kind individuals out there and I intend to associate with those people moving forward who value the finer things in life!
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Wow Air, lot of stuff you said really hit a note. Particularly:
I accept now that people come in all different flavors.
Some of those flavors I don't want or need.
That's a very elegant way to look at things. You sound like you've come to a great place of acceptance without being bitter.
I have no idea how I might react to H is he ever crossed my doorway - but I do know I no longer chase people to secure a relationship with them.
It's so crazy how much our spouses can strike us so deeply, which is why I think we marry them. When it's good, it's like they have a direct link to nurturing our souls.
What you wrote about chasing people totally makes sense. There's a difference between presenting yourself as like-able, and needing everyone to like you. Some people just don't like anything that doesn't serve them. Your post really made me reflect on some of my own tendencies.
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Yes, I am less tolerant with disrespect now. I have no problem speaking my mind now whereas I used to let things slide in the past. Sometimes my responses to disrespect feel involuntary. I'm not nasty about it, I just stop it in its tracks now. Sometimes Im halfway through a response before I even catch myself. LOL