Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: heroIam on December 12, 2016, 09:28:36 AM
-
I am curious to find out how many LBSers that are still married and have Vanishers that are still currently financially responsible for home, bills, etc...
-
I am not still married however my ex is currently financially responsible, and always has been.
In fact her reason for divorcing me was all about $$$, at least according to her.
She has never had another real person.(OM/OW).
She owns her own home and pays her own bills,
although maybe she gets help from her mother and maybe from
her late father who died in the past few years.
-
OP,
How is she still financially responsible? Does she assist in supporting you somehow?
Am mainly looking to see how many of us on HS are still legally married with their MLCer being a vanisher.
-
OP,
How is she still financially responsible? Does she assist in supporting you somehow?
Am mainly looking to see how many of us on HS are still legally married with their MLCer being a vanisher.
I said that I am divorced so their is no obligation either way.
However prior to our divorce she was not an MLC spender.
Although she went through a period of high spending during our marriage nothing was
that far overboard.
I am just giving you one data point.
Sorry if I don't fit your criteria at this time.
-
Hero,
Mine is now a vanisher :-\ But he still pays the majority of the bigger bills. We are still married. He will not talk about Divorce, Hes been gone 3 years as of today
-
Hi, I always took the word 'vanisher' as someone who was COMPLETELY gone. paid NO BILLS, left no word. Just vanished. Complete mystery as to where they were. I guess I'm confused with that term.
-
Kat,
I see on your profile that you chose 'or divorce pending'. Has your H initiated any legal proceedings?
Elegance, that's a good point. I may have an off and on'er. I don't know. But I have no idea where my H is living. Yet he remains financially responsible with homes and bills.
-
Hi Hero,
I really don't know. That is just what I always assumed vanishers were.
I'll just say this you are very fortunate because from what I've read and experienced MLCers are extremely selfish and irresponsible.
I'd like to see this thread roll out and see if there are anymore like yours.
-
Elegance,
Yes, my hope is to find out how many LBSers are in the same situation as I am. H not living at home, still legally married, pretty much a vanisher (not a lot of contact and I don't know where he lives) and may still have OW, however, still pays for homes and bills. I should say I also contribute financially, H pays majority though. Financially nothing has changed. Just H not home.
Absolutely, I am very grateful and do consider myself fortunate in that H has been financially responsible. (But....I wonder how much guilt may play a role)
So I am very curious as to if there are others on HS experiencing same.
-
Hero,
Yes I did file, He Dropped the Bomb in Oct 2013. I filed 2 weeks later, thinking he would wake up. He was shocked for sure, told me that's not what he wanted or asked for... What he did ask for was for us to live together like roommates.and split everything.. the same thing his OW and her H are doing...
he would fight me tooth and nail everytime we had a court date. it was awful. finally after a year I told him I would not fight him anymore.so I stopped it. it was around that time I found HS.
theres a long story about how he moved out, and what has happened in the 3 years hes been gone. yes there has been touch and goes, that maybe gave me a little hope,there was the cooling down with the OW during this 3rd year.But that is back in full swing again. Tomorrow starts year 4 on this Journey, and I am Tired!!!!!
-
Like Elegance said, Vanisher vanish. It is like they di not exist in any wa7, shape or form.
I have an irresponsible vanisher.
-
I also have a responsible vanasher. He comes by a few times a month. Blows the horn my daughter goes outside says hi. He figures he is good. He did his time and he leaves. He sends me enough money every week to pay all the bills.
-
Thanks Rebecca for chiming in.
-
Yesterday I learned of a case where the h, who seemed to be responsible, up and removed money from the lbs' account...this after years of doing nothing. Just saying, be careful and get it in writing. Notarized. The monster can rear it's ugly head years into mlc. Don't forget, if there's an op in the picture you have NO idea what's going on but be sure, he/she will be applying pressure and validating the mlcer's sense of entitlement.
Just a note: many mlcers can go completely bonkers in all ways but be cold, calculating and completely rational when it comes to settling with the lbs. We have many examples of 35+ year marriages where the lbs is left in poverty or would have been if the lbs had 'trusted' the mlcer. This is one of the ways I would identify mlc vs 'normal' divorce.
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/self-focus/financial-protection-while-standing/ (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/self-focus/financial-protection-while-standing/)
-
After I filed, and while he was still at home. he closed our joint checking down and moved everything to his acct. Told me he was protecting both of us... I was so sick at the time it was just one more Blow.
after he left,he would put a small amount in my acct twice a month. he still continues this today. while I work 2 part time jobs to make ends meet. he mentioned several months ago, that "you must be a gozillionaire, working 2 jobs" :o and I truly believe he thinks I am as they say in the south "SH*$$ing in High Cotton"....
-
hero, I would encourage you to be careful. I know of several cases where this happened and the LBS was left devastated when he finally stopped being responsible... My former BIL is a bit of a sociopath, but he and his wife were supposedly on great terms, with him having several OW and just needing "space." He filed, said he didn't mean it, told her to ignore the papers and when she figured out she was hours away from losing everything and rushed to the courthouse, he went ballistic. She lost most, the only thing she didn't lose was HER family business, the judge took mercy--can you believe it, he tried to take HER business, as if he would know what to do with it...
Another friend from here seemed like one of those meek, mild, responsible, no OW--I asked her if he might be gay and just trying to stay in the closet--for years. But when whatever it is finally kicked in, she almost lost everything, too. And she found out he had been manipulating things in the background, just like my exBIL did, changed ownership of assets, retitled cars, all of it, while they were still "happily married" to the rest of the legal world. So the financial BD was far worse, in some ways. And it is if you still have too much hope and truly believe you are safe. Just be careful, please. You have to do what you have to do, but prepare for the worst, whatever that means to you. Love and light, ll
-
I wil also mention, that I have an acct that he can not touch.my truck is in my name only. the only thing left on our name is the house(I know the Biggest thing)
the way his 401 is. he cannot draw from it without both of us signing. now not saying he wouldn't forge my name......its scary trusting a MLCer. after all, he did things I never in a million years thought he would do.
-
I think some of you are confusing a vanisher with a boomerang or an on & off. A vanisher does not comes by a few times a month. A vaninhser never, ever comes by. A vanisher has no contact with their LBS.
A vanisher completly disapears from LBS and kids life.
Yes, MLCers can be very cold when it comes to money and settling with their LBS. They can also leaves us with nothing.
-
Sorry I called H a vanisher.. But someone that does that the first year, then you might see then twice a year if lucky. I call that vanishing. Maybe the couple of contacts a year is a touch and go.... As far as the text almost every morning. I don't know what to call that. Since l won't respond anymore. Those have stopped... It put me in a place of hope and expectation. I don't believe it makes one difference in the outcome to all this...so i stopped it...
-
Hi all BD was Aug 2015 my H pays half the morgage but I have not heard or seen anything from him we have no children and we're together 20 years he has just left and I have had no contact since I feel like I'm living with a ghost as still in our home just waiting for him to contact about the house or divorce but so far poof he is gone
-
Hi PooWoo.
Sounds about right. I can relate.
Anjae,
I don't know what my H would be considered. Touch and go? Off and On? Ever since he left second time, he has been more distant. Not much contact unless it is important business related stuff. Haven't seen him face to face for at least 18 months now, nor heard much from him. Wasn't like that at the beginning in 2014. So, in my mind he is a vanisher. Picks up mail/checks once a month at the house (doesn't come in anymore) but I don't see him at all.
-
Hero - I think the fact that he responds to contact sometimes, gave you a gift last Christmas, etc makes him not technically a vanisher though I do know he is very different from how he was. You know my H is a boomerang but he does continue to be responsible financially for himself and for the family related bills. I do think there are many MLCers who get mean and aggressive with money but I think there are also many who do not.
-
RT
Good to see here!
Yes, I agree, some pay some don't and yes, last year I did get a gift which I thought was thoughtful. However, it has been quite different over the last 18 months and I'm not so sure I'll be getting a gift again this year. Doesn't look likely considering his distance this past year. What I do observe is that when I text or email him as of lately, his responses back to me are much quicker. Believe me, I know it means nothing. It's just an observation. But I got this thread going because I thought it would be interesting to see how many LBSers are in similar situations as I. I think we are a minority. Where H is semi-vanished or vanished, but still continue to be financially responsible. And, part of my curiosity is that I don't have kids. MLCers seem more likely (not all) to remain financially responsible with kids, but without kids is very unusual.
-
Where H is semi-vanished or vanished, but still continue to be financially responsible. And, part of my curiosity is that I don't have kids. MLCers seem more likely (not all) to remain financially responsible with kids, but without kids is very unusual.
Very unusual and financial responsibility for the kids is normally spelled out in a legal agreement. But just so it is clear for everyone reading, this situation can change in a heartbeat! It amazes me that a lbs knows their spouse is a cheater and a liar but trusts them to provide financially--cognitive dissonance? Yes I was guilty but not for long.
Hero I'm not talking about you personally; I don't really know your situation and I'm sure you are secure but this is a public forum. Responsibility is the last thing I would attribute to a mlcer.
-
I agree Calamity.
Because I'm just trying to see how many LBSers in this situation post here, by no means am I clueless as to trusting H completely. I have prepared myself as best as I could should he pull the plug. I'm not depending and relying on his continued support, I do have a full time job. Although I am grateful that he does continue support. I have discussed worst case scenario with my IC. And prepared as best as I can be.
I thought it would be interesting to know though just how many LBSers are in this same situation. Seems very, very few, and maybe I'm the only one. :o
Because we don't have children together, it is very unusual he continues to be financially responsible. I can only speculate that it's guilt or/and fear of losing $$$ driving that. I have no idea. If it is "all that" and peachy with OW and his new life, why continue like this with me? Because if he really truly cared, I suppose I wouldn't be in this predicament.
When H does respond to emails/texts, its almost always just one or two words. If I'm lucky I will get a full sentence but very rare. So, is that maybe a resentful or angry type of tone? Maybe he is mad/resentful that he is still supporting me? But it's his choice.