Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Finding Hope on January 05, 2017, 08:56:09 AM
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I seem to be having a hard time, so I wanted to ask other LBS'ers, when was the last time you really felt happy. I'm not talking watching a movie that makes you laugh, or going somewhere and you had fun. But, true happiness. The kind that hits your soul.
It doesn't matter where you are in your journey, and please take a minute to really think about it.
Me: Honestly I cant remember. You think, if only I could get my husband to want me again, then my happiness would return. Truth is, it doesn't. It's a lot of work. The first 18 months, Mr. FH was trying, I could see it. This last month I see the old husband. Then one that is selfish and self-absorbed. The one who when I tell him how I feel, nothing changes. He told me this last weekend that he's trying, then says, I bring you coffee :o :o :o. Seriously, that's all he had.
I know that happiness comes from within. I get that. By myself, I can do that. But, weighted down by doubt is hard. We've gone right back to the old marriage, in a very short time. Except now, I don't ask him to do anything or anything that he does. He's happy in this marriage, but why wouldn't he be. He's gotten everything that he wants.
I don't know if this happens to others during the reconnecting process. But would love to hear others on this. When was the last time you were happy.
FH
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I seem to be having a hard time, so I wanted to ask other MLC'ers, when was the last time you really felt happy.
You mean other LBS, right? ;) :)
I have felt happy for a long time, but it has also been a very long time since BD for me.
LBS cycle. Sometimes we have lower/darker periods. It is normal.
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I think your question is to the other LBSers - "when was the last time you felt really happy."
You didn't state this - but I assume that you really are asking LBSers who are standing or are reconcilling.
I am not standing - I signed the divorce papers in August.
I started to have real moments of happiness this summer - about July.
It had nothing to do with the divorce - it was more about all the progress I see in myself.
But I seem to have turned yet another corner with the new year.
I just feel that 2017 is going to be a great year.
I wake up smiling, I know my life, my finances etc are all under control.
I pieced my life back together from emotion ruin and I am damn proud of that.
In this horrible post BD period - I learned how to love myself - and how to practice self-care.
These are skills that I will carry forward with me - no matter what.
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I thank you for this, Finding Hope. What you're saying mirrors a lot of what I've heard from other reconciled standers. It's not always the "better marriage", and I think it's better for standers to be realistic about that. This stuff is hard.
In recent months I have had more times than not where I felt true happiness again that didn't have the dark cloud over it. The preoccupation with the MLCer, whether it's our old life or what he's doing now, is starting to go. I feel more like I did many years before MLC. I'm at about the 5.5 year mark post BD.
It's really in the little things, like truly enjoying television or movies and books without distraction, looking forward to things, starting to see an open-ended future and not counting how far I am from any specific timeline (I really had to ponder that 5.5 years up there!). Even things like appliances failing or drama with people don't affect me the way they used to. I feel stable.
The last throes I think were a big bout of anxiety that crept up toward the end of last year. It felt very irrational and it was, but I do chalk it up to my emotions resolving and the self-created closure on this stuff. I think I really did have to put an end to the notion of standing to get here, though I still really think eventually my xH will progress through. I'll see where it's at then, maybe? Right now, focusing on me and me alone is clearing a lot of restistance.
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I'm still very early on, but I have to say, I do have moments of happiness. Not long, but they come.
They come when I'm alone at night, lights down, candles lit, music playing. I dance around the house by myself.
They don't last long but I cherish these moments.
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FH
Everyone seeks to be 'happy' but its really something that cannot be sustained for anything than a moment or a short time..
Its to be found really in small things and for me it can be found each day when you change your outlook........
For me its walking my dog and seeing him run toward me............why because in the summer he lost his toe and I was unable to walk him properly for nearly three months, now to see him run toward me is a moment of pure joy.....
Before this I would have cursed the times I had to walk the dog, now I embrace and see each walk in a different light.
Before H's MLC I got into a habit of negative thinking which meant I never appreciated the small things, I was always looking at what I didn't have rather than what I did............however I feel this journey has been a truly spiritual one and I have been reminded of what I use to believe in....
The power of the universe and we get what we expect and the life we think we deserve.......
I have worked very hard on my way of thinking and I try not to get into any negative patterns of thinking................FH it really does come down to the way you look at life
Joy and happiness can be found in simple things really it can.
It also comes in understanding that showing care means different things to different people.....I don't know your whole story, I don't know your H, maybe all your H can give you at the moment is a cup of coffee..........you said you tell him how you feel, does he tell you how he feels, my H was never able to say how he felt.
My therapist told me once (when H made a brief return) the way to get them to open up is to do something that reminds you both of why you got together in the first place. Think of something you both use to enjoy when you both originally got together back in the day, start with something that is carefree......
I found this youtube video very good, (its 1 1/2 hours long) but I watched it 10 mins every now and again.
Basically its all the gurus who have been on Oprah over the years talking about the laws of attraction people think the law of attraction is about being rich or attracting good things to you, but its also about the power of positive thought and you start with being grateful for the small things.....like that cup of coffee, a compliment etc.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxuC9pjq074
I take a few minutes each day to thank the universe for the blessings I have been given, the people who have wanted to spend time with me, the friend who may have called me, for the money I have earnt, for the sunshine, for keeping my family safe and well, for my mobility etc....
If you are grateful for the small things it really does make you realise how lucky you are and from that slowly your whole attitude changes and you really do appreciate everyone around you, you see how beautiful the sunsets are, nature, you see the good in people, you celebrate the way we are all different, you get more tolerant and you start to realise the power you have to see the world in a totally different way.......... but like everything it takes time to retrain your brain.
If I feel negative thoughts creeping in I play or sing happy songs ....but I wont give into negativity..
not anymore....
And positivity is infectious and very attractive too
Wishing you a 'happy' new year FH xx
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1T... this was a beautiful post. I have been trying to pinpoint this for myself and I believe you have summed it up nicely. I've also been working on my own thoughts and staying more present moment focus instead of just positive thinking.
I think for me, being present moment focused is accepting that feeling, that moment that comes in and then letting pass through you. It's not about holding on to those feelings as they happen.
I don't feel that it is possible to be happy and positive all the time... but you have a choice as to how you want to view a situation or handle it. My choices, until BD, were to stay pessimistic about things, worst case scenario, etc. Now, I just decide what is the best choice for me each moment, each day.
It's work.... because I have to retrain 40+ years of brain pathways and my own issues with reacting to things instead of thinking them through.
Do I feel happy? Yes, but I don't try to hang on to the feeling. I feel content, peace, joy, anger, etc... I feel it all, I want to feel it all, because I buried it for too long. With me practicing Mindfulness, present moment awareness, it lets me feel them but not be attached to them. It lets me live and enjoy life, all different parts of it. I hope that makes sense.
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Over all I'd say YES, I'm happy now. Not happy with my currant circumstances yet planning for a better day, and that keeps me focused and staying happy.
Nice post FH :)
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All really good responses, and gives me something to think about. I'm very happy with the person that I am. When Mr. FH was sitting in his truck, I learned to live my life on my own. Do the things that I wanted to do. Now, in the "reconnection" faze, I'm thinking that I fooled myself into thinking that things would be different, that the changes I saw him making were really and would stick.
I see that they are not. And I'm just not willing to be second best anymore. To give up the things that I want out of a relationship just to stayed married. I wonder, do any other LBS's that are in this faze think the same way or is it just me.
FH
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I guess I don't think about it.
I'm happy with my life and feel very content.
Maybe content is happy. :)
Now would a million dollars make me happier? Oh yeah.. ;D
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FH, I was typing when you sent this.
You know they say we change during this time. It's so true. We found things that made us happy.
We became more self-sufficient. We fixed things about ourselves we didn't like.
I think to go back to the same old marriage just may not be possible. We're not those people anymore. We have different wants and needs.
I never, ever thought I would be happy as a single person again but over time I did become happy on my own.
Would it be helpful to talk to your H about the good changes he was making? How they made you happy? Maybe he needs to be aware of these things. Things you saw as positive that aren't there anymore, or he's at least not showing you them.
Just a thought.
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Good question, FH. I'm not that far into this... my H and I seem to be reconnecting and I'm seeing changes in him that I haven't seen from him before. I think that I'm also different as far as how I perceive him too. So we are both doing things differently. But I think it's too soon to say if anything will stick. I have a LONG time to go yet.
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I know you wanted to hear from others who are reconciling and I am not reconnecting yet......so forgive me for piping in again ::)
But there is something I have pondered on if we were to reconnect and that is my expectation........
I do not expect a full blown apology, I don't expect an explanation, I don't expect him to be 'grateful'....(as to stand is my choice)
So what can I reasonably expect..........?
I loved my H before this and I love him now.........but I have also been on this huge journey of self discovery .....do I expect him to have done the same?
Are some people just not capable of self analysis?
Are some people not able to express themselves or articulate how they feel, want to talk about what has happened to them, to speak about their own expectations.....?
I know now my H has been battling underlying depression for years..............do I/can I make allowances for this.........should I when we reconcile?
Now, in the "reconnection" faze, I'm thinking that I fooled myself into thinking that things would be different, that the changes I saw him making were really and would stick.
I see that they are not. And I'm just not willing to be second best anymore. To give up the things that I want out of a relationship just to stayed married. I wonder, do any other LBS's that are in this faze think the same way or is it just me.
FH
What I am seeing in your post (as an outsider) is that you had/have expectations that things would be 'different' .................but only you know what 'different' means.....
I would suggest you need to answer this question first......you need to get to the bottom of what your expectations were/are
What do you define as 'second best' why do you think you are 'settling' and what do you want out of the relationship that you are not getting, were these things you had before your H's MLC or have they never been there?
I would urge you to go to a therapist to sort out these thoughts FH...............and if you can also go to a relationship therapist with your H.
I think I will have to go back to therapy when my H is ready to come back because
1) he was never one, before this, to express his feelings, to really say how he felt and that's why he was a candidate for MLC and I would be amazed if he has learnt to express himself now.
2) I do know I wasnt a great listener before this and I would have to try very hard to learn how to listen.
3) I know I have a lot of suppressed anger in me and I feel I would want to be able to express that in a 'controlled' environment otherwise it manifests itself as
discontent or resentment..............could this be what's happening to you?
There is obviously discontent in your life at the moment but you need to find out why you feel that way, is it all down to your H and marriage?
Defining what's causing these feelings, defining your wants and needs vs expectations will help you understand
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FH,
I'm attaching. Your post caught my eye.
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I can find happiness in many different things. Going to a restaurant, a movie, running/exercise, or a simple trip to a coffee shop. I am comfortable in my own skin and have to do many of these things by myself now.
I am at 19 months post BD. We just got together for 3 days after 3 months NC and it was just brutal. She is not ready. She wants to be ready, but she is not there. So now back to NC.
I believe the major obstacle is the overall situation. We want to move forward and it's just not coming. We have graduated somewhat. She views herself as a mom and daughter so we have progress. She just hates her husband now. Unfortunately that's me :(
I can continue to fill my life with many distractions and continue to enjoy myself but she is missing and it's always going to be a void until the situation is remedied one way or the other IMO.
I walked away from out last encounter because I will not and cannot accept her and the way she behaves. I will not live with her and thats what she wants but she doesn't want to work on it yet.
The bottom line is I don't believe it's going to be easy and it's going to be a long road back to any semblance of that previous couple.
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Standing here. I feel like happiness is something I prevent for myself in order to avoid disappointment. That sounds pathetic, but it is the truth.
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Standing here. I feel like happiness is something I prevent for myself in order to avoid disappointment. That sounds pathetic, but it is the truth.
It does not sound pathetic at all. It's a huge insight, and I think one we all can relate to at some point in this journey.
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I know. I feel like if I get too happy something is going to (or not going to) happen and I'll end up crying. Makes it hard to look forward to things.
I kind of like the word...content. Content is like a laid back version of happy. I always have been..
I enjoy doing online crosswords..spending time with my cat...naps...listening to music in the car...the smell of certain foods..cooking..candles.. eating out....spending time with family and friends and laughing is my favorite thing. I have a friend who is my cousins wife and the minute she answers the phone her and I just start laughing.
What happened to me made me more self aware.
Made me really, really, really, really, mad first..but now more self aware.
It will be 7 years divorced this September..in a few months four years NC due to DV incident.. And I am happier and more content without the ex than I ever was with him.
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I find happiness in things that I do. Like riding horses. These things are only temporary. Maybe it's because I'm not the same person anymore. I have talked to my husband, he just doesn't get it. I am a very huggy-kissy kinda gal. When we were first together, he was too. Then things changed. I asked him why and he says that's when we were "courting".
I've lived without much affection for decades. There are things that I want out of a marriage, and that's one of them. I just don't understand how you can love someone and not want to touch them. We've had sex 5 times in almost 6 years. He use to be the energizer bunny, now he just doesnt seem interested. I've tried to talk to him about it, and ask if there might be a physical reason. He says there's nothing physical and he just doesn't seem to be that interested. Not exactly what a wife wants to hear.
I have a great counselor and we've started talking again. She says maybe I've just grown past him. He's still exactly where he wants to be and I'm not. She helped me get through his worst of MLC and she'll get me through this. It's been so long. 6 years in March.
FH
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Me too FH love to snuggle... hug..hold hands....
So sorry you are being deprived that due to his issues. I went through the same thing, made me feel very unwanted.
Trouble was the ex wasn't that way unless it lead to sex (when he didn't have the problems he had). Just couldn't be affectionate without that payoff.
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I am the odd person out. I'm still not seeking "HAPPINESS". I am, however very content, with happy times, sad times, stressful times, joyful times, etc. I don't seek to be happy, never have. I seek to enjoy life and everything it has to bring, and while becoming an LBS is not something I'd wish on my worst enemy, it has brought me another experience to learn from, mourn, survive. Every experience I have, every misery I feel, every incredible joy I embrace makes me more of who I am.
I've learned to take the good times and bad and call them all a plus for my life. I wouldn't feel soul searing sorrow at the death of a friend if I hadn't had the heart lifting delight of knowing that person. It's all the feelings that make you whole.
Seriously. Search for contentment. The feeling that you have everything you need, good, bad and indifferent. JMO. ;)
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Seriously. Search for contentment. The feeling that you have everything you need, good, bad and indifferent. JMO. ;)
Very well said OR!!!
My thought as I was reading through the posts was - I find "happiness" in being able to feel all of my emotions, good and bad. Feelings are momentary and I am happy to have that moment with each one of them.
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I tend to agree searching.....it is important to feel each. For me it's kind of like the change of seasons here. I like all 4 seasons and I try to enjoy each!!
Sometimes we can have all 4 in one day!!! The weather can change fast!
but as a reconciled couple, right now my "feeling" of unhappiness is not with my H at all. It is with myself because I have not continued some of my "changes"
I find frustration with that. Frustration leads me to "feel" unhappy at times.
(hugs)
31
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My IC has helped me realize that the reason I didn't often feel happy was because of my expectations. He has made me aware of my high expectations especially for myself and that was a real light bulb moment. Once I realized this and started to work on pulling back some of my expectations I started to feel more at peace which made me feel content. I wanted so much for everything to be "perfect" that I was missing the little things.
My life isn't perfect and really never has been, but I am learning to be OK with that and lowering my expectations for myself and others. There are things that I don't care for that my H does, but are they true deal breakers for me? Not at this point in rebuilding our relationship, but at some point they might be - I don't know. I have no idea what the future holds, so I will stay in the moment and just enjoy what I have right now because that is all that is guaranteed.