Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LoveMeMyself on March 18, 2011, 01:53:45 PM
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SORRY, FOLKS, PLEASE VOTE AGAIN.......I LOST THE POLL! :P
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What happened? Did you delete it??? ;D
I think that could happen by pressing the wrong button...... :) :) :)
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Yep, that's what happened OP! I'm a little slow sometimes! Ha, ha. It is Friday and I'm so ready to go home! ;D
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Well, I voted; just to be counted in; I was once a LBS; does that count? :)
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2 years on March 5 for me.
Sideways
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I guess in less than a week I will officially be in the 2-3 year range - next week is the 2 year mark. I voted 1-2 years. Blech.
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1st BD, 9/09/2001 nearly 10 years ago; didn't think about adding a date to mine. :) Busted his rump in pornography.
2nd BD 10/20/2001 discovered affair
Came through and finished; building and rebuilding our marriage. :)
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HB- in the words of Eric Von Zipper...You are my idol...
:)
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HB- in the words of Eric Von Zipper...You are my idol...
LOL!!
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Bomb drop October 2009
Left home November 2009
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Bomb Drop June 28th 2010
I had to leave due to life treatened I left
July 1st 2010
Bought and closed on a house and was in it by July 12th 2010
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Just to let you know,, I submitted my vote but didn't see any results after it was submitted.
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Never mind I got them! ::)
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Well, looks like 47 of us voted on the Bomb Drop poll and the majority of us are between the one year and two year mark. Wow, I guess we still have a ways to go. Hard to believe how my time has gone by since the initial BD. I just hope I will start seeing some changes soon. I hope the rest of you start seeing more as well.
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You know I'm wondering:
Looking back I am pretty sure all of this started for my exH 10 years ago anyway.
Have I read that BD is usually around the middle of the MLC?? I'm I correct in my reading?
In my case (and I know everyone is different) I'm thinking he fought tooth and nail not to feel like this and staved all of this off for almost that entire duration until ExOW appeared on the scene. And BANG there goes the bomb.
Now she is out of the picture and he travels (and has traveled) like the speed of light through this part.
Is it possible this BD came more at the end of or at least some resolution of the crisis? Any imput?
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As of Wednesday I can change my vote to the 2-3 year mark. :( Not sure if I can do that with the poll or not, but there it is. Blech.
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I wonder how the numbers would change if we looked at noticeable changes in personality prior to BD.
I know almost to the day when my H began to change. It was almost a year before bomb drop. His was triggered by a serious health issue at a marathon. He hasn't been the same since.
Oddly, my D10 was talking with my D24 the other day. D10 told her that she wished Dad was the way he was before he ran that race the year we went on a specific vacation. I don't talk about this in front of them so it isn't from overhearing me.
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Well, looks like 47 of us voted on the Bomb Drop poll and the majority of us are between the one year and two year mark.
Considering there are around 540 registered users, 1/2 of them have at least 1 post, I am not sure that 47 responses is so great yet.
Also considering that this website will be 1 year old in May, the statistics seem to follow the group of us that have been on the website.
My first bomb drop will be over two years in May, my second one was only 3 months ago.
So my point is that Bomb Drop is not always at a consistant time within the crisis and can happen in replay or any time after up until the breaking of withdrawal.
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In this for the Long Haul,
I don't have an answer for you but when my exH left (two months after BD) he later told me that this has been on his mind for at least two years! Said he was trying his best to be "happy" but it wasn't working. I have sat for endless hours going back in my mind trying to "see it" or find "signs" of his unhappiness but I couldn't find anything remotely close............not until perhaps about 6 months prior to BD.
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My H started changing very noticeably four months prior to BD and very gradually for months leading up to it, maybe even a full year.
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Subtle changes in early fall of 2008.
Extremely noticeable in April, 2009 (happy almost anniversary NOT).
Bomb Drop in July, 2009.
So to be precise, BD was not quite 2 years ago BUT
MLC was certainly in the works 2.5 years ago at least.
No wonder we're all tired. Can you imagine being in a "mood" that long?
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For my exH the two years would have been about a year after the death of his mother. Then in the 6 months prior to BD was at the same time he retired and changed jobs..........very disappointed and totally unhappy with the new job.........then the OW started "playing" with him a month or two prior to BD.........this is when he went FULL BLOWN in MLC. I'm exhausted just thinking about it all over again.
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I'm pretty sure his started when his father died 10 years ago. Just too may signs of things through out that time I've thought about. Of couse the last couple of years have been hidden by the depression.
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I'm just double checking for myself.....
Bomb drop is when the MLCer first lets the LBS know that they have the desire to leave the marital relationship......am I correct on that?
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Yes, DGU. That's the "I love you but not in love with you speech".........or whatever else they might say.
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I guess I should have picked 1 to 2 years, but I went ahead a picked 2 to 3 years. I confronted her on March 14, 2009, she flew home to tell her mother she wanted a divorce from me on March 21, 2009, and she dropped the bomb on March 28th, 2009. She flew back home from her mother's on the 28th, and my boys and I picked her up at the airport that morning. I had a nice bouquet of flowers that I bought her, because I knew she was depressed. I knew something was wrong as soon as we met her, because she barely gave me a hug, and she looked like she wanted to cry but she didn't. We drove the 1 and a half hours home, and she didn't hardly say a word to the boys and me. When we got home she said she needed to talk to me. So we sat at our dining room table and she told me what I thought I would never ever hear from the person I love so much with my two boys listening in.
It all seems so long ago, and I have put it behind me. Though it was the most painful thing that the boys and I have ever endured, I can now say that it was a learning experience. I'm fine, and I'll continue to be fine, but the whole episode was extremely traumatic for my boys, and the effects has only begun to show up it the last few months. I pray, and I hope that my boys do not fall into the cauldron of depression that my wife has gotten herself into.
I know everyone here can relate to what I'm saying!
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Just curious really cos I guess in the long term it doesn't really matter, but I just don't know when BD was? Was it when I discovered the affair? I asked him then if he was leaving me and he said "i am so sorry", but then he didn't leave for another month during which he cycled back and forth about what he wanted (but more towards her). I got a version of ILBINILW speech about 3 weeks later (I love you, but i don't know how I love you) and then after writing out a list comparing me and ow (yes, I was one long list of negatives, she was pretty much summed up in one word: perfect) I told him I couldnt take it anymore and asked to separate. He left the next day. When was BD??? I feel like it was the day that I found out about the affair and he said (in not so many words) that he was leaving. Or am I wrong?
As with all things MLC, there is probably only a very confusing mixed up answer to this question!
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Yes, bomb drop in your case sounds like when you discovered the affair. There is a blog about Bomb Drop in the blog link from RCR on June 29. Here is the first part of it.
In some cases of MLC Bomb Drop is the discovery or disclosure of an affair. But there are many MLC cases where the affair remains hidden or has not yet begun. In such circumstances the spouse has the opportunity to emotionally prepare for infidelity which is recognized as a symptom of something bigger.
How do you chronologically identify Bomb Drop? Bomb Drop is the moment you learn there is a serious problem in your marriage threatening its destruction. I measure Bomb Drop from the time the MLCer verbally or actively seeks to escape you and the marriage–regardless of legal action.
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I guess yours is a little weird, but for me it would have been the discovery of the affair. Because that would have been the day that I knew that my marriage as I knew it was over. For me it was the day he told me, January 16, 2010, besides my kids birthdays, the one day I'll probably never forget. When you found out about the affair, didn't you feel like a bomb just dropped?
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Okay,still having connection problems and lost my post.
DGU is correct. Your Bomb Drop was when you discovered the affair because that initiated his cycling behaviors--since the affair was no longer secret. It put him into Escape and Avoid mode whether he was able to verbalize it or not. So he may not have said the words for a few more weeks, but the unstable behavior was there.
Now I'm going to make a copy of this in case I have connection problems again. UGH
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I was counting the affair discover as BD because as LL says it was the day I knew that my marriage was not ever going to be the same again. Thanks DGU, LL and RCR. It was the fact that I didn't get "the speech" right at the beginning that threw me. But the fact that he admitted the affair as a fait accompli (he was going to leave because I now knew the truth and he was waiting for after our last family holiday together to tell me, but I pre-empted that by finding out). As an aside, apparently OW was cross at him because they hadn't "agreed" to tell me yet :o :o :o :o :o
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My ex told me because "he couldn't be treacherous any more" and said he was seeing OW. I've since found out that it was because OW had told her husband that she was seeing someone else! However, I've certainly assumed that that was BD, even though he then almost seemed to be trying to make it up with me (at the same time keeping in contact with her!). I didn't know it was MLC then so told him he had to go, which he did three weeks later when they moved into a flat that he had rented.
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My H told me that he wanted a D and wanted to leave in March/April of 2010, but to me Bomb Drop wasn't until Feb 2011 when I found out about the OW. On that day it literally felt like a bomb went off in my life. Before then I felt that there was a chance to work things out with my H. But after I found out that there was someone else, I knew that things would never ever be the same.
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This is where I get confused.....because actually BD for me was Sept 2010...but I truly believe
my H was in Replay back in June of 2010.....
This is when his behaviour got real weird...then in July he had a one night stand with another Ow.
then I got the I dont love you anymore, wanting a divorce in Sept after he met his current Ow.
I go back to June as BD for my sitch.....( or atleast the beginning of replay )
Hope that makes sense??
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I think my bomb drop was the day he was telling me about her... I knew that day June 2009...then in Aug 2009 had proof from all the texts.... Jan 3 hotel reciept to prove the sex... he would never admit to it but he was always gone.. So I feel it was June 2009 cause my gut was on fire and I asked him to stay away from her... So I knew this all was coming before he did.
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Seems to me that my BD was in Oct. 09 when ex hubby informed me that he was unhappy and didn't know what was wrong. He said he loved me but didn't love me like a husband should. He cried a lot............very emotional. He also said he felt that he needed to leave........to be alone. Said he didn't want anybody. (His EA was underway and full blown in Oct. 09) He later moved out (slipped out) while I was out of town in Dec. 09. I discovered OW 3 weeks later..........second BD??
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In my case H took me out for a meal in September 09, and told me he had a 'friend'. We sat in the restaurant while he told me how wonderful this woman was.
A few weeks later in October I got the speech. 'I love you, but not as much as I should do'. He bought me a car saying it was to give me more independence. I asked if this was because he was planning to leave me. He replied by saying that he knew that was what I would think. A couple of weeks later he announced that he was moving out for a couple of months. He left our home on 4th November 2009.
He spent weeks afterwards finding excuses to come and talk about his decision. Finally he told me he had begun seeing this 'friend' and that he was spending weekends at her house.
20 months later and he is still looking for reasons to visit, but still practically living with OW although keeping a place of his own.
When was my BD then?. I thought it was the speech. Or could it be the confession of his 'friend'. Even though I believe she was only a friend when he first mentioned her. I think he moved out because he wanted it to be more than friendship. In his eyes if we were already separated he wasn't cheating.
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I Guess my first BD was March 09 when he said he wanted to live alone...didn't want responsibilities, wanted to see what it was like to be single, even though S was only 13 then. Kept telling me he was going to get his own place, he had been acting weird for a while. Then Aug 09 i found out about OW. He left the next night went to OW then 9am the next day begged to come home...that was the start of many cycles.
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This is where I get confused.....because actually BD for me was Sept 2010...but I truly believe
my H was in Replay back in June of 2010.....
This is when his behaviour got real weird...then in July he had a one night stand with another Ow.
then I got the I dont love you anymore, wanting a divorce in Sept after he met his current Ow.
I go back to June as BD for my sitch.....( or atleast the beginning of replay )
Hope that makes sense??
Bomb Drop occurs during Replay or initiates Replay.
So in your situation Bomb Drop was in September 2010 even though you noticed odd behavior before.
This is Bomb Drop, not the start of MLC--which is often 12-36 before Bomb Drop. So looking back many of you will notice behavioral changes that you may have dismissed at the time.
In my case H took me out for a meal in September 09, and told me he had a 'friend'. We sat in the restaurant while he told me how wonderful this woman was.
A few weeks later in October I got the speech. 'I love you, but not as much as I should do'. He bought me a car saying it was to give me more independence. I asked if this was because he was planning to leave me. He replied by saying that he knew that was what I would think. A couple of weeks later he announced that he was moving out for a couple of months. He left our home on 4th November 2009.
He spent weeks afterwards finding excuses to come and talk about his decision. Finally he told me he had begun seeing this 'friend' and that he was spending weekends at her house.
...When was my BD then?. I thought it was the speech. Or could it be the confession of his 'friend'. Even though I believe she was only a friend when he first mentioned her. I think he moved out because he wanted it to be more than friendship. In his eyes if we were already separated he wasn't cheating.[/quote][/size]
You can consider either of those Bomb Drop. After the disussion of his friend did you notice behavioural changes? How about moodiness or cycling? Really those events were only a few weeks a part and it is spliting hairs.
The first was Bomb Drop if there was an idea of Escape within it. That doesn't mean he had to verbally talk about leaving, but it may have been felt like tension in the air. That discussion was your first clue that something was not quite right.
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Thanks RCR~~
That makes sense....so BD was Sept...but he was allready in replay in June/July??
Did I get that right?? ;D
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I agree, bomb drop is the moment that catches us off guard. The moment where they manage to hit us with a good punch and drop us like a ton of bricks. Bomb drop is the point where the avoidance becomes action. That is when the MLCer has to do something to really let the partner know that something is wrong with the marriage.
Bomb drop shocks us and it catches us off guard. It leads to the weight loss. It leads to the fear and pursuing behaviors or it can lead right to divorce. That is why it is such a painful moment and strikes at our very soul. I will always remember bomb drop and how it all came to pass. Even now, I feel the tears in my eyes even as I write about a moment in time that occurred over a year ago.
It was and remains my own 9/11.
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Sept 09 - My H wrote me a letter about how unhappy he was with our marriage and that if I didn't change he felt he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. I'd also written him a letter (which surprised him) as I was feeling he was emotionally distancing himself from me. A definite change of behaviour - ie going off while I was still talking about something to him, as if he was not engaged or listening)
Note: H's father passed away 2 months earlier (late June) and he started a new job at a nursing home full of woman wanting to flirt with him a month before (Aug '09).
Oct 09 - He told me he felt he was only infatuated with me and shouldn't have married me. This got action from me in that I sought out a counselor to start working on our marriage.
Jan 10 - "I don't think I love you"
April '10 - Very angrily states "I don't want to be married to you any more"
Feb '11 - " I don't love you" - moves out for the weekend.
(In early March we go away for a romantice weekend and then he puts his wedding ring back on)
Late March '11 - I discover a large purchase for flowers on his credit card statement.
3rd April '11 - "I'm sorry but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you" (It was like extracting teeth to get it out of him as his behaviour towards me had been very cold for 3 weeks, not wanting any intimacy).
9th April he moves out as I had told him he needed to leave.
20th April - Receive text meant for OW, so now I know about her. BUT he says it didn't start until after he left me and he wasn't going to tell me for 3 months.
I consider the first BD to be the statement he made in Oct '09 when he felt he shouldn't have married me.
Please correct me if this is not BD as I have also found this a little confusing in my story. I have noticed odd behaviour since late 2007 - more grumpy, disconnected etc The whole time until he left in April, I thought WE were both trying to restore or save our marriage. We went to counselling in 2010 but he didn't like her and never followed thru with chosing another one after he returned in Feb. Later I asked him why and he siad he didn't think there was any point. He also said he decided a year ago he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me.
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Ready!!
When you said that about 9/11 THAT hit me like a ton of bricks....
9/11 has so many bad memories for me...not only the horror of the towers...in 2001 my H met the first
woman from NY on 9/11 and brought her home to Cali.......
This current OW, He met on 9/11/2010 also from NY......
I remember it sooo clear...I had talked to my H early that morning and we were talking about
the memories I have about that day...and I reminded him on that VERY day...to not forget us!
He met Ow later that evening at a bar...and I got BD a week later...Brings tears to my eyes too...
(((((hugs)))))) I feel your pain...I truly do. more then you know. :'( :'(
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Even now, I feel the tears in my eyes even as I write about a moment in time that occurred over a year ago.
I know Ready. When I let myself think about the night I found out about the affair, I can almost feel the wind being knocked out of me again. Although there were clues that I guess I was ignoring, I just never really believed that H would be so deceitful. But it is the subsequent weeks that make me most sad. All the horrible things Monster H said when he was still at home after BD.
He "enjoyed lying to me"
The sex with her was "amazing" (why would he tell me that?)
She was "delightful"
In fact I think about those things and it still has the power to make me angry, which i know it shouldn't as it was said by an insensitive MLCer.
Actually when I think about his behaviour back then, I really question whether I want him in my life ever again. The are a mess, but they still know what they are saying.
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Stand and Deliver,
Yes. They are very cruel when they want the LBS to just go away.
My H also told me that he realized that he lied to me all the time and that it didn't matter. He didn't care that he lied and didn't care if he ever told me the truth. He said he would lie to me "forever."
That was really a joy to hear.....it was the lying that hurt the most.
L
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Standanddeliver, not true. They do not know "what" they are saying. The "state" they are in is to rewrite period. You will know when they "know" what they are saying. takes time. after the hurt. Bomb Drop is a past and a time line period. Hurt takes time and advice is forever yet can only be taken with time.
Your spouse, and this is going to be considered/sound ridiculous, can not be held responsible for what he does during MLC period, if you want to stand. Period. You can and it's your choice and nature to take to heart what "damage" comes from a MLC and you can run to greener pastures also as it is your "free ticket" with no guilt, but in time, you will not be angry anymore where as a greener pasture will be out of spite for some. just my opinion.
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Honestly, after the initial shock of BD seemed to ebb some for me, I looked at my hubby as someone I didn't know. While I was knocked to my knees (literally) by his actions and his words hurt and cut to my heart, I felt so much compassion for the man I knew he once was. I share all the pain, hurt, anger, disgust and total disbelief in what my ex has become, BUT.......I know that he is truly a tortured and tormented soul. I can not imagine what he must be going through. I know it's hard getting through this journey as we are constantly treated so awful and lied to by our MLC'ers but my faith gives me the strength to keep standing. Our spouses are not the people we know them to be. I have experienced all the same emotions as everyone else here......it is so tough. We know what each of us here are experiencing and can sympathize but we can't truly know or feel or understand what our MLC'ers must be going through. Yes, it makes me angry at times when I think of what has happened to my marriage but that doesn't change anything. I truly feel that I have accepted this insane DIS-EASE and the process. I have too. I love my man!
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Stillpraying
3rd April '11 - "I'm sorry but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you" (It was like extracting teeth to get it out of him as his behaviour towards me had been very cold for 3 weeks, not wanting any intimacy).
That is the only DAY you identified, that's your BD, the DAY you remember, not the month or the timeframe, the day... Just my opinion, but it sure stuck out in your list...
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Oh Dear....
LL, I guess that means I have years left (if BD is half way in the whole journey) before I see any change..... :( :-\
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Stop counting, focus on YOU, it's the only thing you can control! SP, take a deep breath and know you have no idea where he is or what he is doing, but you know that you are alive and well and have things to do, and stuff for which to be thankful!
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Rookie,
Your spouse, and this is going to be considered/sound ridiculous, can not be held responsible for what he does during MLC period, if you want to stand. Period.
I agree and disagree with this. MLC is a state of dis-ease, but the MLCer does need to be accountable for what they have said and done if reconciliation is ever going to be possible. I can forgive him because he is in a bad way - which means I do not seek revenge and I let go of the anger (which I acheive better on some days than others - we cycle through this too). But to reconcile in the end, the MLCer needs to acknowledge their destructive behaviour. MLC is not psychiatric condition, although they may display some traits ie narcissism, depression.
Standing for me is not about indefinitely waiting out my H's crisis on the off-chance he wants to return when he is through. It is about being still within myself and for my children, to stabilise, to learn about me, to develop myself and to address problems that I may have contributed to the relationship. Standing, for me, is about giving myself time to heal and renew, so that I don't indulge in a rebound relationship that could hurt me and another person, and possibly my kids (not that I would introduce someone new to them for a very long time). If, once I am healed and whole again, H has had an ephiphany of sorts, is truly sorry and wishes to attempt some sort of reconciliation, then I may be open to it. If he comes back before I am ready, I plan to tell him calmly that I am still healing and learning about me, and that if he wants me back (truly) then it is going to be slow and he is going to need to be patient. There will be no "moving back in" straight away. Especially not with the kids involved - they would have to not know about it until I was convinced that H was committed to making our new relationship work and that it was also what I wanted for all of us.
So I disagree with the idea that I must not hold him responsible for his actions during MLC. I do hold him responsible for his actions. I can forgive him and I feel compassion that he is finding life so confusing, but running from that confusion is partly a choice. I do not believe in excusing it all as an act of a crazy person. He is not himself, that is true, but he is also not crazy - he holds down a job, he takes the children on holidays and every other weekend. If he was mentally incapacitated he would not being doing either of those things. If I thought he was insane, he would not be getting our children and I would be seeking a court injunction to prevent him from doing so. If he was clinically depressed, I would not be sending my preschoolers to be with him at all.
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Even now, I feel the tears in my eyes even as I write about a moment in time that occurred over a year ago.
I know Ready. When I let myself think about the night I found out about the affair, I can almost feel the wind being knocked out of me again. Although there were clues that I guess I was ignoring, I just never really believed that H would be so deceitful. But it is the subsequent weeks that make me most sad. All the horrible things Monster H said when he was still at home after BD.
He "enjoyed lying to me"
The sex with her was "amazing" (why would he tell me that?)
She was "delightful"
In fact I think about those things and it still has the power to make me angry, which i know it shouldn't as it was said by an insensitive MLCer.
Actually when I think about his behaviour back then, I really question whether I want him in my life ever again. The are a mess, but they still know what they are saying.
Gosh S&D, IF it makes you feel any better my H did exactly the same....my BD was 14 September 2010...he told me 3 days later that he'd had unprotected sex with this woman :( :( :( My world came round around me....H was the only man in my life and always had been, he had not only betrayed me in the worst way but taken away my safety..... When he came back at Easter - he couldn't wait to rubbish our 's' life and told me how much better it was with OW....broke my heart into pieces....
So sad
Fox xxxx
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S&D, Thanks for writing that little piece. I have struggled with accepting everything they do as if they don't know what they are doing. Our spouses would not be found insane by a forensic psychologist, they could stand in a court of law. The fact that they make bizarre decisions is STILL a choice they are making with some level of sanity. I am not giving him a free pass for however long it takes for the fog to clear. Thanks for that, as I sit here and fume that he f%^&#$ up the custody schedule yet again...
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Fox, it is sad and, I am guessing, not true. Chances are, life with OW is not better. The only difference is that with you his feelings are numb and with her he HAS lots of intense feelings - lust, jealousy, anger... notice that these feelings come under the term "sin" in the Bible (not that I am very religious, but my point is that they are very strong feelings but they are not positive feelings - but for a MLCer they are better than numbness).
They are hooked to the drama, because they at least "feel alive" in the drama. They mistake "drama" for "purpose". They are searching for meaning and think that the "drama" gives there life meaning. But think about it - how long before the same dramas become boring, then the drama has to escalate and eventually they have to start to realise that this is not the sort of "meaning" that they were searching for.
If things were SOOO much better with OW, why did he come back to you AT ALL? If he was living his dream there would not have been a second of doubt, certainly not enough doubt to have him cycling back to you.
Fox, I know that you are finding this second BD very hard (maybe even harder than the first?) but you need to try to step outside of the situation and imagine it was happening to someone else. How would it look to you then? I'll tell you how - it would look to them the way I have described it - because I am that looking at it happening to someone else, and although I do not know you in RL, I promise you that it is the only thing that makes logical sense.
If he was unbelievably happy with OW, there would have been no room for doubt and cycling. Really. When you are your H were at your happiest points in your relationship, did you think "well this is great, but I would really like to be somewhere else, with someone else right now!" Of course not, because it was true happiness, not the confused and dysfunctional MLC version of happiness...
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Standanddeliver
I understand why you agree and disagree about the responsibility of what the MLCer says and does during the MLC. It's because they are both true. I think RCR uses the term "moments of clarity" during the confusion.
Your husband said things to you like he enjoyed lying to you, sex with the OW was amazing, and she is delightful. Why did he say those things? Well, MLCers are trying to get the LBS to lose hope, I think at least in part to reduce their own guilt. It is Monster that is saying those things.
Consider this from one of the Standing articles:
Your MLCer will seek to destroy and may cycle between mending and destroying.
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S&D
Just read your reply, and it is just what I needed to hear today.
I am feeling very low and struggling to feel positive at the moment. Your wise words have given me a boost just when I needed it, and made me realise why I am still standing.
Thanks
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Sorry you are having a low day Glimmer - I had a few of those last week. We cycle too, it is hard not to when our lives have been totally thrown off course. Redirecting our lives is scary, stressful and often difficult.
When I am having a rough day, I let myself have a cry, I try to get an early-ish night, I go to bed and say a prayer of thankfulness for all the good in my life, I ask for strength and courage and then I go to sleep and usually wake up feeling better the next day.
Take care, xx
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DGU, I just read your "find" for this thread: "Your MLCer will seek to destroy and may cycle between mending and destroying".
I see this. I definitely see him doing things to "ensure" that I lose hope, and then being polite again -- not taking back anything he says, not changing his mind, but a sort of mending nevertheless. The wanting to be amicable I'd put in the "mending" category here.
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Stand and Deliver,
Yes. They are very cruel when they want the LBS to just go away.
My H also told me that he realized that he lied to me all the time and that it didn't matter. He didn't care that he lied and didn't care if he ever told me the truth. He said he would lie to me "forever."
That was really a joy to hear.....it was the lying that hurt the most.
L
Hi L,
So true...the more I tried to reason with him and "make him see" what a mistake he was making walking out on me and losing his wonderful Son, the more Monster he became... So very sad - I truly didn't know my H anymore
Love Fox
xxx
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Thought I'd start a new discussion on BD ie how long ago did you have the bomb drop on you?
My first one was October 2008, he came back May 2009 and second Bomb was dropped in April 2010.
SK xx
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My bomb drop was 17th September 2008, 3+ years ago
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Mine was 6 September 2010.
C
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Thirty-one months ago tomorrow.
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Merged with previous thread.
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mine has never said ilybinilwy
he has said I've served your needs for 20 years etc etc. He's told the children we love each other but we make each other suffer.
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4 + years ago
Husband left home mid October 2006
BD late October 2006
Now I'm on the begining of year 6 of this MLC adventure.
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BD was May 2010, when H said he wanted to break up, although he changed dramatically and turned cold and standoffish towards me one month before that.
Anger phase started almost exactly 2 years prior in 2008, followed by overt depression phase 2009 up until BD.
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One year since I threw him to the curb ???!! No idea what this even means... So he was done and never coming back??
six months since he called me at 3:00 am telling me not to worry (I had called earlier in the evenIng thinking something had happened to him or his dad) told
me he was on a date, it was great, so much fun, and I should try it??!!
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One year since I threw him to the curb ??? !! No idea what this even means... So he was done and never coming back??
six months since he called me at 3:00 am telling me not to worry (I had called earlier in the evenIng thinking something had happened to him or his dad) told
me he was on a date, it was great, so much fun, and I should try it??!!
So sorry he said that to you. I think a lot of them suggest that we find someone else. ::)
As for me, it's been 2 years and 5 months. Wow. I've been rounding it off to 2 years. Hadn't realized it was that long.
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Thanks StarGazerGirl for the kind thoughts. It's hard to believe that a person would call their partner of 17 years at 3 am to tell her he is on a date?! This is no kid, my partner will turn 60 this June!
Just as crazy, when he told me how much fun it was, that I should try it, he even gave me the name of someone he works with. Someone I have known for years, since he played high school baseball. Someone I would consider like one of my nephews about 17-20 years younger than me. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I consider this young man and his adorable wife like my own kids! Then he says Joe (the kid) is divorcing his wife. I am shocked because they seemed like such a great couple. Instead of feeling sad for them and what they are going through my partner just laughs and suggests I go out with this kid?!
The man I loved would never have said such a thing and would have felt bad that this young couple was going through this.
This alien thought it was funny, was having a great time on his date and thought this was the answer for me. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I felt betrayed, scared, lost beyond words who was this man I thought I knew who could hurt me so and laugh?
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Thanks StarGazerGirl for the kind thoughts. I know what kind of person would call their partner of 17 years at 3 am to tell her he is on a date?! This is no kid, my partner will turn 60 this June!
Just as crazy when he told me how much fun it was, that I should try it, he even gave me the name of someone he works with. Someone I have known for years, since he played high school baseball. Someone I would consider like one of my nephews about 17-20 years younger than me. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I consider this young man and his adorable wife like my own kids! Then he says Joe (the kid) is divorcing his wife. I am shocked because they seemed like such a great couple. Instead of feeling sad for them and what they are going through my partner just laughs and suggests I go out with this kid?!
The man I loved would never have said such a thing and would have felt bad that this young couple was going through this.
This alien thought it was funny, was having a great time on his date and thought this was the answer for me. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I felt betrayed, scared, lost beyond words who was this man I thought I knew who could hurt me so and laugh?
broken, think Star is right, they would like us to find someone else. Then they could go on with their life and be merry. Or so they think.
What you wrote about your husband suggesting you would go out with that younger man you saw as a nephew only shows how out of their minds they are.
Really, who calls someone at 3am to tell them what a great date they are on but a teenager. They really become teenagers again. An I think they kind of see us like their best mate.
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BD fall 2008. Can hardly believe that I'm still standing going into year 4.
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I read everyone's post everyday, so encouraging and enlightening, thank you :) but I have a question that I have not found asked before. I read somewhere, a different forum I think that said SOMEONE can be in MLC and BD at the END rather than the beginning of their MLC??? I believe it was said by the MLCer himself while he was explaining his tunnel experience. Opinions????
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Hi 31andcounting,
I've never read anything like that before! I have read that they can be a year into their crisis once the bomb is dropped. BD is not necessarily the start of the crisis.
I'm sure that the more experienced people will know better!
Best of luck!! Hugs
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To get to BD the MLCer will have transversed denial and some of the anger stage and may have been in replay a while too. BD can come towards the end of replay when what they have so far encountered doesn't make them happy.
Often affairs have been ongoing for a long while before BD and therefore the spouse is not aware.
Whereever BD is replay after BD lasts at least 2 years in most cases and often 3 or 4. There are some early returners but they are a minority. Replay after BD takes a long long time :(
The stages and process can only been seen retrospectively with regards to when they happened etc when the MLCer has been through them.
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Here's some insight from RCR's blog "What is Bomb Drop?"
Bomb Drop occurs during Replay or initiates Replay.