Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Trustandlove on June 01, 2010, 10:30:12 AM
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Hi, I wanted to start a new discussion.
This was brought up in the coaching archives -- the idea of intuition. I have been trying to meditate, to allow myself to get in touch with, for lack of a better phrase, my own intuition and judgement. I find it hard to separate out what is intuition and what are just my desires.
And when my desires are 'right', and when acting on them would be counterproductive.
Are there good books to read? I've been riding this rollercoaster for a long time; reading helps me -- what do others have to say about this?
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I was reading that in the coaching archives too and am so glad you brought this up! I am the same as you...I do not trust myself to know the difference.
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I am wondering the same thing.:)
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Sometimes I find that literally sleeping on it helps; for instance when H wrote me a pretty open e-mail about how he was feeling about things and what he wanted to do, I started out drafting a reply to the things he wanted to do, nothing was sounding right.
It wasn't until 2 (relatiively sleepless) nights later that it suddenly dawned on me that the thing to do wasn't to take him up on the practical discussion, but to just write a very short reply saying that I was sorry he was having a hard time, that it sounded like he was feeling a, b and c, etc. I.e. validating rather than doing anything practical. Responding to the feelings rather than trying to 'fix' the problem that he presented.
That time I literally got up in the night and wrote down my draft on paper, then relaxed enough to sleep a bit more. I sent the e-mail in the morning. It wasn't like he responded with loads of talk, but the next time we talked he at least hadn't closed down for that session. (even though he's closed down again now...)
Now that doesn't help where you need to think quickly on your feet.....
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I think sometimes we ignore our intuition as we believe it is the desires we have for ourselves and our H. Even though they are in MLC we know our spouses very well.
When I have a dilemma to face and I am not sure how to handle it my thought processes allow me to bounce it around. This may go on for a long time. Out of this bouncing around I get a decision and let the thought go. Then out of no where a very strong decision comes into my head from nowhere. This decision maybe completely opposite to what I was thinking. But it is the right decision and I know that.
I wonder whether we drown out our intuition with the pro's and cons of a problem that needs sorting bouncing around in our heads and then when peace arrives our intuition is able to be heard.
Maybe we analyse what is intuition and what is not to much and then that increases our doubt and ability to let our intuition take control.
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Intuition comes when you learn to act without thinking it to death. However, it's different than being hasty and rash. You'll know it because it just feels "right" and not reactionary.
I also am trying meditation. I tried a few nights ago. I have always had a psychic connection with H and I feel really connected when we're in a psychic connection. I KNOW that we're connected, if that makes sense. I tried a connection and found him the other night and it wasn't pleasant so I've hesitated to do it again. I tried a few other times and just felt kind of disconnected, so I knew it was hopeful and wishful thinking and not a true connection. However, I'll try again soon.
Basically, in the past, I was never able to direct these connections. Now I'm trying to learn and it's hard. When H and I are connected, it's like he's in the same room with me and I can see him clearly, but not with my physical eyes. It's a different kind of seeing. I like to picture a golden thread that is connecting us, from his heart to my heart area. That kind of helps lead me to where he is. I've been in another state recently and known (verified later by the kids) when he's left the house and gone to OW.
It's something that comes from feeling and not from learning. I'm looking for pointers also on how to learn to "force" it but nothing has worked yet. RCR gave me some good tips, I hope she'll come on and share or give me permission to do so as it was in a PM. I'm sure she wouldn't mind me sharing, but as it was a PM, I'll wait for permission.
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Here we are all... I got permission from RCR to post her PM to me. Remember, IMHO, if you are a Christian, you should not be afraid of meditation but do it within the bounds of your Christian beliefs. Prayer and meditation go hand in hand, and intuition comes from those prayers and meditations.
From RCR: As far as mediation specifics, I laid out stones in a circle and laid inside them--sometimes holding one. I sometimes sat in lotus or a comfortable position and held a certain stone. If you focus, relax and concentrate--but release effort--you can feel the vibration.
I did colour meditation--sometimes with the stones. I immersed myself in a specific coulor, picturing it pouring over me.
Hold an object and concentrate on it--like watching the flame of a candle.
I did not worry about doing something right or wrong. Sometimes my mind was not quiet, but I just let the thoughts come through as they were meant to do.
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From what I understand each one of us has at least a measure of intuition, but as children we were discouraged from using it...having been taught instead to believe in what we can see, touch and taste.
Using intuition requires a belief in the Lord or Higher Power, as this is where the messages come from. Like MH said, you learn to trust yourself, acting without thinking it to death. This is believing in things you cannot see, touch or taste.
I have flashes of deep intuition that come out of nowhere; and it is those that I trust the most. Some things I DO have to think out, because some of them I don't understand very well.
I can "see" more for others than I can for myself, and sometimes it is frustrating to find that I can "get" things for some people, but not for all people.
I'm generally too close to my own situation, but when I relax and allow the flashes to come, I can see more into my own situation...but it doesn't happen often unless it's important that I know something.
I have other gifts that I use on a regular basis; that are helpful in my work for the Lord; and these have developed over time and trials.
MH speaks of having a psychic link to her husband, each of you have this since your marital emotional bond has broken with your spouse...if you concentrate/meditate, you will feel what he is feeling, much like an empath that is versed in reading people's emotional weather.
When our bond was broken, I could read my husband clearly, like a well-read book...once the bonding reconnected itself, I was no longer able to do that..it is not allowed...the two marriage partners are supposed to be on a level playing field, and it would not do to have one more in the know than the other. :)
I can read other people with no problems..I just can't read my husband, and as of the time our son reached his 18th birthday, he was also closed to me; though son can read ME like a book. :) We are both empathic.
The biggest factor is learning to trust YOURSELF; to become of the knowing that what you're lead to do is not harmful, but helpful...sometimes you'll get the "gut feeling" to do something, but because it runs against what you've been taught, you're hesitant to do it.
You will always know the difference between what's harmful and what's helpful..there will be a certain peace about what you're being led to do.
Sometimes you will be afraid, but learn to step out in spite of that fear, knowing this will help the situation at hand.
You will not always see results right off the bat...some things take time and that is where faith comes in. I trust the Lord with all that is within me; and He once guided me into pushing my husband to the point of insanity...I was deathly afraid, and when it came to the moment of truth HE spoke FOR me and through me to my husband...there are times when we are pushed to speak to our husbands..as what is said will make a difference.
That is why it is so important to submit to the Lord and His guidance...He will not guide us into something that is going to harm us...it is always to help us learn, and to help the MLC spouse come forward.
The voice you hear will be a familiar one that you cannot put your finger on, plus, from my own experience, He reveals Himself to me in such a way that I KNOW without the shadow of a doubt that it IS Him that speaks to me.
The Bible says to test the spirits; not every voice you hear will be Him, and He further says that His sheep KNOW His voice.....I've actually had the devil plant thoughts inside my head and talk to me, but that voice was NOT the once I recognized..this is where discernment comes in; a solid knowing of the difference between good and evil..it is another gift that is developed through this trial as well.
The hilarious thing with the devil is this: he cannot read your thoughts OR your mind..he can only look at the situation at hand, and plant doubtful thoughts that way...if you answer that voice in your head telepathically, (without speaking aloud) he cannot hear you, and therefore cannot answer you. It is only when you speak out loud that the devil hears you....I learned that a long time ago.
Understand the devil will use your spouse against you at times,(the MLC spouse is so far in the left field, they don't have the control the LBS spouse does) he hears the arguments between the two, because these are spoken out loud, and somehow things always get worse, as he's busy planting bad thoughts within BOTH minds as the argument ensues.
I'd seen it happen more than once..and learned to just take away the ammunition to prevent the devil from gaining any more power over the situation.
MLC is truly a spiritual battle of the mind and emotions, and it pays to know your enemy and know him well; learning to head off the attacks before they start....Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy, and he will use anything at his disposal to do just that.
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Hey all, I took everyone’s posts and put them into a table. Did I get it right? I don’t want to put words into anyone’s mouths.
Intuition:
Are still there after sleeping on it
Become stronger in time until they are convictions
Requires a belief in a Higher Power/God from whence it comes and may feel countintuitive
Brings inner peace when it comes to you, just feels “right”
May bring fear
Desires:
Are immediate and impulsive
May become stronger in time, but not as convictions
Is aligned with our own hopes and typical actions
Feel selfish
Feels comfortable, known – you’re not stepping out of the box
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Wow M&H...you have been busy! Looks good to me!
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I like the table -- I think it's something we could/should expand on. Maybe we should also start one that says what works/worked or didn't with our mlc-ers.... :)
I'm still pondering on this. For example, when I read RCR's reply to I think it was johnrob that we must TRUST that they will get through this, I suddenly felt very calm. Of course! it seemed to say to me. Other times that I have gone for different 'strategies' I have often felt that something didn't sit right. But sometimes they 'worked' in a particular situation, so it's a bit harder to tell.
My friend who went through 5 years of this said that up until the time that he actually came home at the end she really had no idea what he wanted. And she had a very strong faith in God, said that she didn't question him much, just trusted that he would do the right thing. And she still didn't know until the end.
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I'm working on putting RCR's coaching threads into tabbed format in my binder and cross referencing items. When it's done, if it looks like something I can distill down and RCR agrees, I'll post it. I'm hoping to have an emergency go to resource for when something happens and I need immediate "what do I do here" info.
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I find these discusions really interesting.I do not go to church but pray very night I am also very spiritual.A numbers of years ago whilst I was away on a business trip.The hotel I stayed in was a huge hotel but very old.The room was dark, very dark and I woke to find two angels at the bottom of my bed. They were not solid forms but similiar to the last screen you would see when the TV shut down. The very dark room now had a beam of light coming through the curtain.Both angels were very tall and looked as if they were communicating.I couldnt hear them, however after reading a number of angls books, you INTUITVELY know thy are communicating.
There hair was short and curled under at the fringe and th back.Their wings were the full length oh their body and they moved very gently as if they would in a gentle breeze. I sat up and rubbed my eyes and they were still there but didnt look at me.I swithed on my bedroon light after watching them for a few moments and of course they were gone.I switched off the light and th room was in complete darkness.
I had nothing going on in my life then but as I walk through the MLC journey without my H i know I am bing guided and watched. Angels do not intervene in ourlife unless it is life or death situation so if you wanty them to help you pray to thm in the way you would to God.You have the Arc Angels and their bands of mercy and your guardian angels..So far I have prayed to them and god and know intuitively what to do. It tookover two years to share this story.
I often think I have been with my H for 28 years and show know him better than anyone and close to how well he knows himself. Then I think about how much thy are changed by this whole process and start to doubt myself. I do get voices in my head that confirms my feelings at times,They are quiet and sudden and sometimes unrelated to my thoughts eg a real feeling he will come home when I havent been thinking this. I know he is not happy and missing his children yet people tell me he behaves normally. I doubt myself again.
My spiritual healer said H is with her because h does not want to be on his own.It will not last and he will come home but you wont want him. This A has been about him not you and his head is all over the place and he has many issues. You have to let him go and make his own mistakes..strange but not coincidence the same advice we are given by th vets here.
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This is more on the idea of trusting yourself: It is also leading from HB's response to OP, about people that are sent to help us.
First of all I want to say that I think it is great that HB is able to help OP and others that way.
Two people have been an enormous help me during this crisis; one a counsellor who I met IRL, one another LBS online. I am greatly indebted to both; both, however, are no longer part of my journey.
My problem there was that both offered specific strategies; I was too ready to follow pre-packaged advice rather than trust my own instincts. In the case of the counsellor he was a godsend in the beginning, then again I over-relied. I recognised that and was the one to stop talking to him. In the case of the other (successfully reconciled) LBS, I was loading too much of my own anxieties on to her, and she ended the correspondence, rightly so. She, too, was encouraging me to use my own brain, and that correspondence needed to stop so that I would do so. However, she also only had one perspective, which wasn't always appropriate in my case, and also it kept me doing 'strategies' which ended up being manipulative, rather than paving the way. I'm not blaming her -- I take responsibility for doing everything I did.
It is so wonderful when someone turns up to help us that I found that I was sometimes disregarding my own intuition, and not using my own brain, thinking that someone else must know better. That someone else has a 'program', that as long as I follow it to the letter it will 'work'.
I do wonder if I've lengthened the process by not wising up to that sooner...
Developing intuition and using our own brains really is more important.
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T&L, I also listened to strategies in the beginning and did some dumb things. In my defense, I didn't believe it was MLC in the beginning. I exposed, I took a hard line, I demanded no contact. I wonder if I will be able to overcome the dumb things I did in the beginning.
I don't get much in the way of advice and from the beginning I've prayed that God would send someone to help me. When I was posting on the other board, I didn't regularly get useful advice, and I wondered if somehow people sensed that I wasn't going to make it and therefore didn't want to waste their time with me. A few times I let that really get to me, because I felt like I needed advice and strategies to make it through. Then someone pointed me to RCR's boards (thank you) and I read the MLC stuff and shared with MIL & FIL, and we agreed that H was MLC. I began to change from having strategies to learning, forgiving, becoming compassionate (I was angry b/c of the earlier A, I thought H and I had come through together stronger, knowing how A's happen and would work through any future problems together and get counseling, etc, but instead he dumped me like a hot potato without ever giving me a chance or telling me anything about how he was feeling.)
In any case, beautiful post - you're right, an MLCer needs that love and compassion and patience that we can give them. They also need to know boundaries when it's time, but not until.
As a warning to people, I struggle daily now because H and I were great friends, doing everything together, and now I am at a loss because of the hurtful things I did in the beginning. He will not let me in, will not talk to me, will not go do activities with me, and I blame myself for that. I drove him away instead of getting it in time. I used strategies and instead of spending this time now in the beginning of his MLC paving the way, I am being ignored.
That being said, some sincere, honest strategies are OK but should be appropriately applied when the LBS knows it's the right time to do it.
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I wouldn't beat yourself up about "mistakes"; I'm a great believer in it never being too late. And it doesn't sound like you lost a lot of time, from my perspective.
I never begged or pleaded with my H; in between following other 'strategies' I did things myself, most of which were probably more or less right. When it comes from the heart it probably is right.
A lot of it was necessary for my own 'journey' (even though I don't really like that word). It's a long process, no matter how we look at it.
Regarding believing it was mlc, I did believe it was mlc from pretty soon after he left, it was the counsellor who didn't really believe in mlc as such. The other lbs was a godsend in that regard. Also, I look back now at what advice she gave and a lot of it is what is discussed here -- it's just that I tried to do exactly what she did, not taking my situation's individual differences into account. We were at very different points in the cycle, which I didn't recognize.
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M&H
I am saddened that you blame yourself for pushing your H further away in the early stages. We all made huge mistakes initially until we found wise counsel or got over the initial trauma enough to follow our instincts. You are very strong now and playing it spot on. Your H will look towards you when he has finished running from his issues. Just needs more time and patience.
This thread is soooo interesting. I find my intuition is very strong at times. People would tell me to follow a strategy and I would and do refuse as I know it would be counterproductive. I think of H every night in my prayers.
One night I did have a very bizarre encounter but not a dream. I was asleep and as far as I know not dreaming. In my ear as plain as if he was beside me I heard him say ' ***** I don't know what to do'. It was so plain I woke straight up and looked around and quite expected to see him in the bedroom. It was a definite call for help and advice. Since this 'dream/encounter' H has withdrawn from contact with me and has very little contact with the children. He still visits weekly. His depression has also increased. I am sure I was given an insight into his confusion and feelings of being lost.
As adults I think we often deny what God sends to help us and ride over the advice and support as we feel we may have the answers. I always try to keep an open mind. People have been sent to guide me when I have been at my lowest. They have answered questions I had and pointed me in the right direction. Many I have never met before.
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Not to threadjack and make this my thread… but wanted to answer. Thanks to both of you, but really, don’t be saddened. :) I am in a good place and knowing I made mistakes just makes it easier for me to help others now. I see them make those mistakes and tell them NOOOO! LOL. I did push him away, and it’s not like I sit around pining for those days back. I face what I did and I suck it up and move on. It’s the only thing I can do and knowing it was a mistake makes it that much more important for me to not repeat them.
I am a forgive and forget kind of person, always thought H was also, but recently as he has been dragging up things from when I was a child and LONG before I even met him, I know he retains EVERYTHING and holds on to it.
Then again, looking at it from a glass half full perspective, if I was as awful as he told everyone, he would have been able to point out recent faults rather than those from my teen years, right? LOL
I want to post a letter that was posted on another forum but I am not sure as it was already second hand at the time… but I’ll tell you the highlights. It’s something that moved me so much I printed it out and put it under my keyboard at work. This goes to what you said, JA, about praying for your H every night. Paraphrasing it says that MLCers need someone to believe in them, or they will never find their way back. Quoting it says “You have a lot of power if you are a believer in the Word of God. It says that the ‘unbelieving spouse is sanctified (which means literally ‘set apart and made holy’) by the believing spouse.’” It goes on to say how she (it is a woman who went through MLC) came through her MLC and came to know that she was “prayed out” of it, and wondered who had done that. She then got up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and saw her H kneeling at her side of the bed praying. She knew then that he had prayed her out and was very moved. She also says that the only “foolproof way I know of to tear your family from the hands of the enemy is to lay it at the foot of the cross.” AND this is what gives me chills. She goes on to say (quoting) “Be aware that when you do so, your journey will probably become longer. This is because when you put yourself in that gap on behalf of your spouse, God is first going to deal with you. When you have reached a place within yourself where you can truly look at yourself through the eyes of God and ask Him to change YOU, then you will be getting somewhere. But only if you really, honestly seek the truth.”
Very interesting what happened to you re: H saying he didn’t know what to do. Along the same lines, in the beginning when H was still in bed with me, he would get drunk and come to bed and we’d ML. After one time, he cried and said he didn’t know what to do, he was so afraid. I took this as his subconscious and used it to reassure him that we would always pull through together. He was so drunk, I wonder if he knew it was me or thought it was OW. But I’m sure what you heard was your H. They are lost and when you are able to tap into their subconscious either through the dream state (if God allows it) or by lowering their walls through alcohol (I don’t recommend – but hey, if they are going to anyway) – they seem to know how lost they are.
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MH, it was I who directed you to this site.As I mentioned in an earlier post,I could sense your pain and confusion at your H being such a different person.You were posting in the Infidelity threads I remember and getting such alot of advice thrown at you.I remember asking people to reflect and remind them that people do take serious advice from these threads and saying we have to live with the consequences of the advice we give.Do you remember? There was then a select few who suggested you take some time out to consider you>>>>I then said realising now, at risk of criticism from some of the vets and the forum,that you should come here and read the info prepared by RCR.I remember saying you will have a light bulb moment , an awakening when you read the info and you will know then if MLC is real and if this what your H is going through.Your H was behaving in a similar way to mine and I just knew he was on the same journey.I was truly concerned for you at one point, the thread was getting longer and longer! When you had taken your few days out you came back a different person and you were back in the driving seat! I hope you don't mind me sharing this as I read your previous post my worry for you at the time cam flooding back.Look at you now in such a different space and guiding other people through this hell that is MLC. You are a good example of how the journey changes people and how you become stronger.
I am a naturally intuitive person.This last 10 ten days or so I have dreamt of my H almost every night.The dreams don't always make sense..one was where he sustained a terrible injury to his back, but in all of them he talks to me about the R not working with OW.She is never in the dreams.I believe I know how my H thinks and can sense what he is feeling by what he is not doing but it frightens me that MLC means intuition goes out the window and the dreams are ones of hope that's in my head.I feel very strong and very firm on my decision not to divorce him,it is something he must take responsibility for, if he so wishes.Like you TL, I never begged or pleaded with my H and have never done anything to make his life difficult or unpleasant.I have let him go because I love him.Then I think maybe he expects me to fight for him,I am disappointed he never fought for us.I was always the one however to hold the relationship together purely because of his lack of strength.
I firmly believe in god taking care of us first..helping us to find ourselves.I know in my mind my H wont make the journey home until I have healed and that feels like some way off.I understand fully why god separated us now and hope someday my intuition of our destiny of being together is also God wishes for us.28years together and we are joined by our soul.
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Oh, yes, I remember your words very well, I just didn’t want to post anything over here with your name from then. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be called out. So, now that you did, I’ll say it publicly, thank you very much. You changed my course for the better and really helped me out. If not for that post, I have no doubt I’d be D right now. You’re remembering it very well. Even when I hopped over to MLC on that forum, I still was waffling for a bit, not sure it was MLC or not. I didn’t want to let go of those posters that were “helping” me at the time. I felt better taking action and not just letting go. However, your words and RCR’s articles just led me right where I needed to be – and letting go was EXACTLY what God was directing me to do. I was so sure of what I was doing since I had traveled a similar path in the past with H having that EA before and having “won” the fight through DBing – I thought it was the same but something just didn’t look or smell right to me until I read RCR’s articles, which you directed me to.
My H never fought for us either. Isn’t that what a real “man” is supposed to do? Although I’m sorry for their pain, I envy the women who’s H’s are on here learning and growing and fighting for their Ms.
That reminds me, your post about the soul connection – in all of this, it would be so easy to become bitter about the whole soul mate thing. However, I still believe in it. My views are changing, and I believe soul mates are more like love is. Our belief in soul mates are like infatuation. We think soul mates are just “drawn” together and somehow we find that right person. Maybe that’s true, but the infatuation chemicals of early relationships play a big part in those feelings that we have found our “soul mate” and really, I believe now that soul mates are built, not found, much like mature love is. That connection you have with your H and that we all do can be broken, but it takes a lot of force to break it. God is no slouch, and when he built us, he made us to have strong bonding. What God has put together, let no man put asunder. Those are not just words, He meant it. They may believe that OW is their soul mate now, but when the infatuation wears off and those chemicals are getting old, the bond and connection we have will be there still.
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MH, I wanted to share what we went through on the other post to celebrate how you have grown and moved on because you chose the path that you knew was right.In those couple of days you took out to reflect, you truly made the most of them and came back from being a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly.You are now sharing that wisdom with many and to me thats what these posts are all about..learning individually and together, to look at what works and what doesnt work.YOU have done this all on your own and you are a credit to your family, your H and God.You like many other experienced poster now are self less in you battle working hard to help others.You deserve to be truly happy.The bond with our H you describe beautifully..the bond never goes.I see it with my BIL who chose to have an A and lost his marriage through it.My sis has moved on and so has he, but the bond they have allows them both to be wonderful parents.Fortunately his 2nd wife of 13 years is not intimidated by it and she is part of the family.(she wasnt the OW).The OW in my BIL sitch is broken, lost and hasnt been with anyone else...all her own doing.
MH I pray for you and your H and I am ssure when the fogs lift he will see the beauty that radiates from you.((hugs))
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My H never fought for us either. Isn’t that what a real “man” is supposed to do? Although I’m sorry for their pain, I envy the women who’s H’s are on here learning and growing and fighting for their Ms.
One thing MLC does set apart the "men" from the "boys"...if you pay attention, these husbands who are fighting for their marriages are men who have "emotional investments" in their lives, ones with people, if you will, having a better understanding of the emotional aspects of life....whereas the ones who are having such a hard time in MLC are people who have "material investments" or ones who have an ongoing love affair with the material aspects of this life.
The material investment people do not believe in spiritual things, and therefore when the MLC comes about, they are the ones most likely to self medicate with OW/OM/OP, spending large amounts of money, drink copious amounts of alcohol, take drugs, etc.
They are also the most likely, IF they come through the crisis, to suffer memory loss associated with going through the crisis, although they may face all their fears, process everything they are supposed to process, becoming what they are supposed to be; but because of the continuing non belief in the emotional/spiritual aspects of life, they will not be brought forward to "guide" people through this, and so the memories would do them no good.
My husband was one of the above mentioned, the total opposite of me.
The emotional investment people are the ones most likely to have easy transitions, because they understand and believe in the spiritual aspects of life, and most of them have already learned some of the life's lessons we are all set to learn in our lifetimes.
These are also the people who develop their intuitions, gain the necessary gifts they need to help others throughout their lifetimes, developing a deep relationship with the Lord as a result of what they endure, and are more accepting of being brought forward to help others in many ways, including retaining memories of what they endured within the spouse's crisis, so they can "guide" others if needed.
I'm one of the above mentioned.
I must have been a real fluke in this, because I was brought forward although my memories at first were totally dim, and almost nonexistent as of February of this year. Yet, my husband had suffered an extended period of crisis involving a small child that got missed during his trip through the tunnel, resulting in him going through yet a different kind of tunnel...I wasn't seeing anything much for around 6 years or so, because I was going through my own transition.
For what it's worth, he is still processing, but becoming stronger as each day passes...he still pops in and out of the house, sometimes disappearing on me and our son, BUT he IS coming forward, and that is all that matters for now....the child is now behind him, and I see a more mature man taking his place in the family as head of household...and I love what I'm seeing, though, he's unpredictable in that I never know what he's going to say, but it's all good. :)
Anyway.... :)
A friend of mine came to me back in February because her husband had gone into the tunnel, and while what she was describing was triggering memories that were faint, I just barely remembered the board I'd been on before where I had written the six stages, and the sermons....so I ran a search, thinking this was going to be simple, and it wasn't.......
In these last few months, I have had my memories restored to me, not quite in full, but they are there to be accessed, PLUS, I had instructions once I got past all the trouble I got into there, to search for some people I was sent to help....and I argued at first because I could NOT remember much of this at all.
You do reach a point in this where your memories will fade unless restored by the Lord...and He restored mine quickly...they were needed.
Now, the lessons I remembered clearly, but the some of the actual events I had trouble with, because they were stored in a place that I thought I couldn't get to...but I always ask the Lord to help me remember what I know I cannot.
There are STILL memories that are there, but I cannot access them at all...and my son reminded me today of a time when my husband got angry because I was running late..and it was early days in the crisis...and like a teen, my husband was driving down the road at 90 miles an hour, screaming at me like a maniac, because he said it was MY fault we were running later for a get-together with another couple. Son was in the back seat, not saying anything....now, I did not remember that on my own. MLC was at its worst, and that was in the year 2000 is all I can remember.
You will find as time goes on, your memories WILL fade, just as mine did...and that's a good thing.
I have gained two people offline I'm currently guiding as well as what I'm doing here on the board as I can.
I will say this: I don't use much of my experience to guide people..I may illustrate things from that time to show that I understand, but I do pay attention to the various differences in the situations I see, and rely on the Lord to help me counsel, and that is why my advice ALWAYS varies with each person I speak to; there ARE differences in what I advise...now, if I draw a blank on someone,(and it does happen) I will use my experience and what I learned for a baseline, but if I know with a certainty that I cannot help with anything I might say, AND He has not given me anything to say, I will keep quiet...it is better to do that than to flounder out in deep waters without looking to Him for guidance. I have no wish to hurt anyone or send them down a wrong direction.
I feel for everyone here, regardless of where they are within their journey, but I can tell you from experience, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is not a runaway train, I can promise you that, having been there myself.
I'm not complaining, not at all; when you obey what God sets before you, the blessings in return are so much that you cannot contain them all, yet that is NOT why I obey Him, I am always humbled by His confidence in me. I am the instrument that HE uses, I cannot do this on my own, without Him to help me.
And you know He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called, and He's had to give me a crash course on this crisis once again.
Plus, I am willing to remember what I endured so I can help others through where ever they may be in their journey.
Yet, it's not just the crisis I'm teaching on, it's also a spiritual teaching regarding the Lord, and who He is, to help increase people's understanding of Him and how He relates to us all as we are within our trials and tribulations. I did not understand the Lord very well at the beginning of my husband's crisis...I served Him, was devoted to Him, but I did not understand Him at all...through this crisis, I found a very understanding God, who was very interested in me as an individual, otherwise, He would not have sent someone to me when I was not in this very far to help me through not only his MLC, but my own transition as well, as an accountability partner, and that person stayed with me for many years...I contacted her less and less as time went on, and I took over on my own, learning to commune with Him directly...we are still friends, but I know I no longer need her, and I'm grateful He sent her to me.
I do not know how long this time will last, but He knows, and that is all that is important.
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I am finding this thread very interesting. M&H, to go back to a few posts ago, I had read that same thing on another forum way back at the beginning of this nightmare, the one about the woman who saw her husband praying for her when she was wondering who had prayed her out of her MLC. That posting really motivated me to be consistent in praying for my H. I know he is a child of God and that this is a spiritual battle and his heart does belong to God as his faith used to be very important to him, prior to MLC. I also got chills when I read what you said about standing in the gap for our spouses. I have laid all this out at the cross because really it was the only thing I could do, and I do feel that I am fighting for my H as well as myself.
I need to try meditation, if for nothing else than to try to focus on something positive rather than letting negatives take over.
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I go to a spiritual healer and it really helps.Mostly my grandparents and my H's mum who come through.Their messages have been totally consistent with the messages here our vets give us.Let him go, make his own mistakes, dont let his crisis get to you.He will find his way back however you will have moved on. Only god knows our paths. I pray for my H every night and for forgiveness that I hate so much another person that is the OW.
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Forgiveness is key in all of this.
When the kids get angry, I use the analogy of when their mom gets angry at another driver in the car and flips them off. Who suffers? The one she flipped off who may or may not have even seen it, or her? She goes down the road, angry, steaming, yelling, her blood pressure gets up, and it lasts a good half hour or more.
Who loses in this?
Forgiveness is for yourself.
The bible commands that we forgive, lest the Lord not forgive us as well.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
I have forgiven H and OW. I am working on forgiving the friends I thought I had, who were rightfully first H’s friends, but became my friends. I let them into my heart and their betrayal was the hardest, somehow. It was more a falling from grace as I thought they were “better” than this, to help H sneak around behind my back and agree to lie for him, to help him commit adultery and destroy our family. They knew our struggles with these kids, and they knew how much of myself, heart and soul, I had put into making this family come through all their crises. And they still shut me out completely.
I’m reading a book now, the “How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis” and I’m finding it good, but many women in here seem bitter to me, and there was even the comment that MOST women in The Midwife Wives Club did not succeed in saving their marriage. Perhaps this is how the author chose to present the posters to their boards, but to me, they sound bitter and angry. When you do not forgive, it turns to bitterness, which eats away at you and changes you fundamentally.
If you cannot forgive, it is my belief and my stance that you will not receive your marriage back, and if you do, it will not last.
(Romans 12:14) 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless, and don’t curse.
(I Peter 3:9) 9 not rendering evil for evil, or insult for insult; but instead blessing; knowing that to this were you called, that you may inherit a blessing.
(Matthew 6:14-15) 14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you don’t forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
(Matthew 18:21-22) 21 Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, "“I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven.
(Mark 11:25-26) 25 Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father, who is in heaven, may also forgive you your transgressions. 26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your transgressions.”"
(Romans 12:19-21) 19 Don’t seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God’s wrath. For it is written, “Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in doing so, you will heap coals of fire on his head.” 21 Don’t be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
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it all make so much sense and its right..but its hard so hard.I have forgiven my H cos I know he's unwell.I cant forgive OW yet cos she pusued a weak man and was calculating in how she did it.She used my dad a very sick and weak old man.She has destroyed my kids and othe R's too.I am am trying but struggling to forgive her.(She had same done to her) but no way I could down that road.
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Forgiveness is key in all of this.
When you do not forgive, it turns to bitterness, which eats away at you and changes you fundamentally.
Absolutely
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Beautiful post on forgiveness, M&H. It is key here. I haven't found it so hard to forgive my H. Granted, sometimes I have to work on forgiving the same thing more than once.:) Maybe it is because of my love for him, maybe it is God's grace, maybe it is because I have seen his pain, but he hasn't been too hard to forgive. I had been having a harder time forgiving my in-laws for their role in his childhood issues, but I am working through that. The OW? I can't forgive until I know for sure for some reason. I think there was one, and I think I know who it is/was. She was a mess, so maybe if it is ever confirmed forgiving her won't be impossible.
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Trusting -- for me it was important to know the truth. Once I did the rest can follow.
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T&L, I know what you mean. It bothers me that I don't know for sure one way or the other on the whole OW thing. Earlier on I confronted him but of course he denied. I don't think he would confess yet either. I'm sure he thinks covering it up will mean it will never come to light but I don't believe that to be true.
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It took 2 1/2 years for me..... Once that was out I felt like I was getting on the rollercoaster from the beginning in some ways. also finally felt that there was the possibility of reconciliation -- it was like a boil being lanced.
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I’m reading a book now, the “How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis” and I’m finding it good, but many women in here seem bitter to me, and there was even the comment that MOST women in The Midwife Wives Club did not succeed in saving their marriage. Perhaps this is how the author chose to present the posters to their boards, but to me, they sound bitter and angry.
I could not bring myself to read that book for a few years. I red the back cover and maybe the first few pages, but it did not feel forgiving. The forum is good, but I do feel more bitterness than where most of us are from. I think my first issue was that both authors were divorced. Divorce happens, especially with MLC circumstances, but I got the feeling that the authors either wanted it--eventually and may have sought it to a degree. Did they Stand at all? If a certain divorced DBer had a book, I'd by it in a second.
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It bothers me that I don't know for sure one way or the other on the whole OW thing. Earlier on I confronted him but of course he denied. I don't think he would confess yet either. I'm sure he thinks covering it up will mean it will never come to light but I don't believe that to be true.
Trusting, I was in your shoes, I KNEW there was an OW, but my husband NEVER confessed it, and at this point in time, I doubt that he ever will.
Nothing done in darkness ever stays that way, but the clear signs fell, and I knew, I always knew, even through the lying/denying...and I came to understand that nothing I could do would ever force his confession....yet, I was STILL charged to forgive BOTH my husband and the OW.
Even though things are unknown for sure, you forgive, then work through the feelings on your own with the Lord's help to bring you to healing, and that takes TIME. There is a reason for everything, and you also need to be prepared that he may NEVER tell you the whole truth about what he did.
You may say that it won't happen that way, that you will have the entire truth, but who knows what the future may bring? I waited for several years, and it never came...I went on into total forgiveness, acceptance, and then, healing, and in time, I left it behind...and now, with the way things stand now, I may NEVER have that confession I thought I wanted so badly all that time ago.
I can't say I was "misled" or even "misguided"....the Lord had already shown me that he might never tell...and I had to deal with that, and accept it...that didn't keep me from accepting the deed had happened, working through the negative feelings and fear associated with the affair, forgiving both people for their parts in it..my husband and the OW..and finally integrating it into my life, healing from it completely.
The only reason I still remember is that there was a lesson attached to it, as there always is when you go through something major like that.
I speak candidly of that time, but I no longer have the feelings associated with that event...it is the same with everything I experienced/endured throughout, I remember the events I can remember as "facts", but the "feelings" are gone...I can remember how I felt, but the emotional memories are not relived through the telling...this is true healing the Lord wrought within me.
I used to think that if he'd tell, things would automatically straighten out, but I found that was not necessarily so, he still straightened out within himself, in SPITE of the fact he never talked about it, and in time, has forgotten ALL that he has gone through in his MLC.
I also got pretty obsessive about it for nearly two years after the affair was finished, before I reached total forgiveness and meant it within my heart, and I know with a naked honesty that I was never emotionally ready to hear this truth until a few years ago, and it still never came, even though I'd forgiven him for it honestly, but had never told him until he dragged it up once more back in 2005, as he was struggling with the child that I wasn't seeing at that time......I was startled, and said that I'd forgiven him for it, and I remember he tried to twist my mind somewhat....I stopped him, told him to shut up, that if he wasn't going to tell the whole truth, then he could take it to his grave with him.
In other words, it was "put up or shut up"....I wasn't angry, but I was firm...I told him that I'd KNOWN what I saw, I KNEW what I'd heard...and even though he'd lied to me about it, I'd still forgiven him for it..but if it ever happened again, I was GONE..and I also told him that he didn't need to think for one second that I wouldn't know if he did this again...but that there would be NO questions asked a second time, just a showing of the door and me kicking him in the butt as he went out of it.....
And I MEANT it...it was never brought up again.
Even though he was going through a different type of crisis because of that seven year old child that was missed during his processing from before, the affair was NOT repeated, and will never be...and I know that because this was shown to me by the Lord, and I trust HIM, when I can't trust anything or anyone else.
I reached a point at that same time those few years ago that I knew within myself that it did not matter if he ever told or not, so long as he made the necessary changes and became the mature man he was destined to be...and I found that statement became a necessary truth, not whether or not he had had OW...that was between him and the Lord...and I know for a fact that although he asked for forgiveness for what he got tangled up in with OW, he STILL reaped the consequences for his actions, and as long as it is not repeated ever again, I will remain with him as his wife...and quite honestly, I don't think about what he did any longer....it is not part of my thought processes at all....I have other things to be concerned about, and those events/memories are long gone.
Tell you something else, though, when you hold onto the wrongs that you know have been done to you, you have not truly forgiven anything...forgiveness has to be complete, or you haven't forgiven at all.
You may never know EVERYTHING your husband endured within the tunnel, Trusting, and I say this also, for the benefit of the others here, but he will tell what he can tell you, and you will need to accept whatever he tells you, and be prepared to forgive him completely, even if it takes time, as some things he will tell you will hurt you badly; and they will be unique to him, and what he experienced within the tunnel.
Anytime you think your husband is "stuck" check yourself first, God links the two as one body, even during the crisis, and I've seen things happen that wouldn't have happened if my attitude had been what it should have been....as I held back my forgiveness toward my husband, his progress was slowed and sometimes stopped within the tunnel, while I worked out what it was within myself that was with holding forgiveness; even if I didn't tell my husband, I STILL had to keep my heart open and forgiving, or I could not have dealt with the next step of the journey.
The two spouses are linked more closely than people think while the MLC is going on...you have the MLC spouse who is weak, the "sane" spouse who is strong that is the leader....and when the roles are switched, the journey is meant to go the SAME way, as the strengths and weaknesses are balanced out..at least they are supposed to be.
I spent a longer time in my transition than I was supposed, and that was directly linked to my HUSBAND, who was scared, and didn't know what to do, and so I had to lead for both of us, much like I'd done during his MLC.....I had a hard time going through, partly because of my childhood wounds that were suffered, other things that were suffered in my adult life and marriage...and it didn't help my husband was dragging his feet.
He honestly did NOT know what to do.....and did the only thing he knew to do, and that was grab onto me, which slowed us BOTH down...I saw these things in hindsight....yet, with the help of the Lord, he got better as I got better, and when I had surgery in 2007, on the downhill slide of my transition, I nearly died, and my husband never knew that.....when they cut into me, they discovered that not only did I have a stone that they knew about in my gallbladder, but they also discovered that my gallbladder was almost solid stone, and gave me MORE anesthetic to keep me under, and gave me too much.
It took the recovery room nurse nearly an hour to wake me up, and in error, she informed me that they'd given me too much stuff, and thought they were going to lose me...yet, the Lord had assured me BEFORE the surgery that He would be with me and see me through....He was even the one who told me what was wrong with me three months BEFORE the surgery, and instructed me to go to the doctor to solve the problem.
I didn't go, had a severe gall bladder attack, landed in the ER in Kentucky, had a cat scan that if someone had known how to read, they would NOT have released me..but they did, I drove my truck home, informed dispatch that I wasn't coming back until I knew what was going on...these events led to this brush with death..and apparently was something I had to face while within The Change.
We made it through my transition with no damage that I knew about, and I didn't do half the stuff he did, that I remember...but the going was really slow.
You will find that as time goes on and you allow yourself to heal from ALL the damage that you become glad you endured this trial...I have NO problem with what I went through, understanding in hindsight that it was all for a reason...and though I never got ALL my questions answered, I understood enough to let the Lord deal with what I couldn't understand...and let the rest of it go, knowing it wasn't important enough to get stuck in...as bitterness can take up residence within you. Your husband could become an angel, after it was all said and done; yet, if you allow yourself to become bitter because of never having learned an entire truth, it wouldn't matter, and would tear your marriage to pieces.
It is all too easy to allow anger to fester within your heart...and I was one angry chick at one point in my life to the point of rage, and it scared me, because this wasn't what I was...I had to work THROUGH the anger/rage toward acceptance, forgiveness and healing.
It's wasn't easy for me to do this, but I got through it, and you will, too.
Trust all these things to the Lord to handle, Trusting..if it is meant for your husband to come to you with this truth you seek, it will be done, if not, it won't.
I'm not a weak person by any means, but I learned that some things are better left in the hands of the Lord to deal with, and He will deal with a wrongdoer in His time, His way. The battle is HIS and he means that, it's not just blowing smoke.
I have watched my husband come forward this last time much more quickly than I have ever seen him move, in part, because I left him alone as I was supposed to; his broken ankle contributed heavily to some of this moving forward as He worked within that situation, but what I'm seeing is nothing short of amazing, and I continue to leave him in the hands of the Lord to work with.
It has been truly worth all that I have endured to see this man in the process of becoming what he should have finished years ago, but because of this one failure to face ALL his issues at one time, he prolonged his OWN suffering, and I had nothing to do with that.
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I used to think that if he'd tell, things would automatically straighten out, but I found that was not necessarily so,
I thought this as well -- when I finally got the confession, which was a bit of a surprise, to tell you the truth, my first reaction was an ecstatic "YES! Now we can finally stop being silly and sort this thing out!"
Well, it didn't work that way. Because he still wasn't interested in a reconciliation; I'm not really sure what prompted him to finally tell me everything. I guess the way it would be said here would be to say that he still wasn't (and isn't) out of the tunnel.
But what it did mean for me was that I wasn't nuts -- that what I felt had been true all along actually was, despite his many protestations to the contrary. That helped enormously in many ways, with my own self-esteem, confidence, and ultimately my stand for my marriage.
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Well, it didn't work that way. Because he still wasn't interested in a reconciliation; I'm not really sure what prompted him to finally tell me everything. I guess the way it would be said here would be to say that he still wasn't (and isn't) out of the tunnel.
You pushed him into telling, and his guilt got the best of him...that's what led him to tell you the truth.
You got what you wanted, but the further steps he was not ready to make...and his actions did tell you that he was not out of the tunnel yet.
So, what now? You go on with your life, STOP worrying about him...let the Lord work on and within your husband; live your life, take what you can get, and trust in the Lord for all the rest, including the outcome.
It's not an easy path to walk...I didn't find it easy, either. There was SO much damage done, and I got SO tired, so angry, so sick of this whole mess...and I wanted to give it all up, and forget it.
I kept going because I KNEW I needed to trust the Lord for what He promised me...the restoration of my marriage.
You know, when we take our vows, they do say for better and for worse..and this is the WORSE; and as long as you can stand, you want to do the best you can to become what God meant for you to be in this process, too.
And even though, I had to face the possibility that he might walk away, it was clearly shown me that I couldn't make the break, my husband would have to.....if I had done it, I would have been stepping outside of the Will of the Lord for my life, the marriage was meant to continue, but it was up to my husband to continue or not. I could have stepped out at any time, but I would have been on my own, if I had, in time, suffering consequences for disobeying the Lord in His instruction to me.
He clearly said that there was hope as long as I loved my husband and He was aware that if it came to a time that I didn't love my husband anymore that He would be unable to force me to stay within my marriage...but He gently encouraged me along the way, teaching me about my husband's ways and troubles, and helping me to understand my husband more...and to really know someone, and understand them in a way no one else does, is to continue to love them.
Because I asked Him to, He granted me Unconditional Love, which is God's perfect love in regards to my husband.....my human love was dying, and I was having SO many troubles maintaining this in the face of all the damage that had been done toward me, and the damage he was, at that time, continuing to do to my love for him.
It did NOT mean that I would always LIKE what my husband did, but it ensured that I would still love, in spite of what he did, or even what he believed.
God loves us, but He doesn't like everything we do, He separates the behavior from the person, and loves us anyway...this is His way of dealing with us as imperfect human beings.
So, my love survived, having been replaced with this gift...and though, I STILL got angry sometimes about things he did, I never lost that love for him...and still have it to this day. :)
There came a time that I did take my focus totally OFF my husband and moved along...it wasn't helping for me to keep worrying about him, I wasn't letting him go into the Lord's hands when I did that....so, I let him go, as difficult as it was, and learned to just keep going, keep the focus upon me,, and when he reached out for me, I was there, but he reached out because I was moving beyond him....and he ran to catch up with me.
That kept the decision upon him to follow me; as he had been the distancer in our marriage, he then became the pursuer....and I will NOT pursue him ever again.
I had spoken of becoming the opposite within the marriage as MLC goes on, and it does work wonders.
Throwing him off-balance was but one of the things I did to stay mysterious, and it sparked his curiosity about what I was up to, and kept him coming forward steadily. He was forced to ask nosy questions of me because I wasn't telling him anything about what I was doing...just coming and going as I pleased....he did see that to be involved with my life, he was going to have to get involved with ME.
I would allow him to stay involved just enough for him to know I was still there, but wasn't getting sucked up into his drama...and I noticed he kept improving as time went by.
But when I turned totally back, opened my big mouth, and got involved with what he was doing, interfering, if you will; it threw us BOTH backwards, and all progress was lost to start all over again......I did this several times before I learned to just leave him alone, and move forward without looking back.
You think that if you leave them alone, they won't move, but the opposite is generally true; they have to process on their own, and to do that effectively, they must be left alone to do this.
You will know IF they get stuck..don't doubt yourself in this. The cycle that results, such as it is, will be very clear, and literally 'beg' to be broken.
Because you stand for your marriage, doesn't make it an obsession....people gave me some pretty strange looks, and accused me of being "addicted" to the relationship....it wasn't that at all. I stood because I am a stander, and because I took vows that meant something to me all those years ago. On top of that, God was with me, and I knew this as well.
Now, God will not show you everything in one fell swoop; if He did that, you would run like the d!ckens...the road would look to be TOO long, and the trial, such as it is, would overwhelm you.....He brings you along; one step at a time, one day at a time, and these things are broken down into stages, if you will, bits, parts and pieces that you can handle.
As He will not put any more on you than you can bear at any given time, as you gain strength, He will lead you along according to that strength, and things that looked so hard in the beginning, are nothing more than an obstacle to navigate.
He will ask questions from time to time, and He knows the answers to these, but it is for YOU to see more clearly where He has brought you from, and a more clear view of where you are going; especially during a trial as long as this one.
The bottom line is do you trust Him enough to follow Him, even unto the ends of the earth? Faith is built through these trials...hope is increased as He gives small reassurances that things are going as they need to be.
A person ends up deciding within themselves in regards to standing, and God is NOT slack concerning His promises...those will come in His time; although His time is not ours, just as His ways and thoughts are not ours, either.
There are so many things to be gained from this experience, and it is not only the lessons we learn, it is also through the development of our relationship with the Lord we learn MORE about Him, and how He works within various situations.
We lose and we gain from this trial...our losses are nothing compared to the gains.....as long as we trust in the Lord for everything in our lives, we will lose nothing, and gain a whole lot of spiritual tools that will be useful down the road, as well as useful while still within the trial itself. :)
Faith is the evidence of things as yet unseen, and because we trust completely in the Lord for the outcome; He will bring us through, and help us to accept all that happens; reaching a new point within our growth.
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Bumping this thread up.
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Thanks OP for bumping this. I needed to read these bits of wisdom today. ;)
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STILL what happened to your post in the other thread?
Put it in here.
Stllhere- No problem. Sometimes I get lucky. :) :) :)
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OP,
I didn't realize we had one going already. Sometimes I think I have read things on a different site. Mind isn't what it used to be.
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I just read something very encouraging by RCR about intuition. It's funny cause I've experienced the same thing. My H never "dropped the bomb" on me as luckily ('knock on wood") there is no other woman and he has stayed at home. He just started slipping away, going out all the time, staying away from home...so one night I asked him if he was going out all the time cause of me and he simply replied "yes". For the first time, i actually got an answer...that night we had a talk and he told me how he doesn't know why he is so unhappy but he feels like he is missing out and can't do the things he wants to do...when i asked him what it is that he wants to do he couldn't answer me. so anyway, that night, for some reason, i felt in my heart that we will be eventually OK. prior to that, i used to panic, cry, be angry sad etc. and that was the night i started detaching before i had even read up on all of this what I'm supposed to do in order to keep my sanity...actually, i do some positive thinking, feeding my subconscious mind every night...my H has written to me that he hopes as well that we will get closer again due to him being in IC. I'm happy that he has told me that but I do not cling to it or analyze it...at this point, i have my hope and feel pretty strong. I'm convinced that he will find his way back to me but i don't fool myself. one of the senior members wrote me that "he is giving me the gift of time" (sorry, don't recall right now who it was)...and yesterday, it just clicked. we are waiting with starting a family because i just started school again...i will take this as an opportunity to work on myself and hopefully by then he will be back, stronger and better, and therefore, we will be a stronger and better couple...ready to start a family (a couple of years). it just dawned on me that this is our chance to prepare ourselves, and grow as a couple. please don't get me wrong, again, i do not fool myself...but i do have hope and faith and intuition...
the one thing though that i am having a hard time with is the no touching, not being close, no physical contact. i wish i could just hug him and let him know how much i care for and about him...i was wondering how other members deal with that?
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Hi PS, is this a discussion, or a continuation of your story? I seems as though it is a continuation. If you read in the posting guidelines, it states that you should maintain one thread until it reaches at least 10 pages, before starting a new one. This way, all our stories are maintained and it's easier to follow.
E-mail RCR and ask her to combine this thread with your first thread.
OP is the one that states we get the gift of time; please listen to him, he is very wise in all of this.
Xoxoxo
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Purple Stain.
Just popped in to say hello.
Unfortunately I am having great difficulty reading some of your posts because of the colours you are using for the text. Welcome anyway.
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Intuition is always a good topic, so I merged this thread with the original thread on Intuition started by TrustandLove.
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e My H never "dropped the bomb" on me as luckily ('knock on wood") there is no other woman and he has stayed at home. He just started slipping away, going out all the time, staying away from home...]
My H also never "dropped the bomb" with words. An affair continues and was revealed over a year ago. However, before it even started I felt my H slipping away too. It was total intution. When I tried to reach out to him and he acted like nothing was wrong my intuition wouldn't let it rest. There was such a deep knowing that something was wrong that I could not ignore it. My husband has MAJOR problems with emotional intimacy and is incredibly passive. So I think he was too fearful to say what he was feeling and what was so very obvious in his behaviors. I believe he was afraid of losing me at that time.
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I feel in my heart that my H does not have OW (intuition). But my H has also never discussed any feelings...he never had feelings like I do, utter joy and happiness or being disappointed etc. At least he would never show me or tell me. The past couple of days I've been thinking that he might have been in MLC for a lot longer than I think. He always tells me that he doesn't know when or how it started and he is sorry for what it's doing to us. He keeps telling me that it's not fair to me. Anyway, back to intuition. I actually asked my H if he would meditate with me on a nightly basis (I got that from a book which deals with the subconscious mind) and I do that combined with praying. He doesn't have to do anything besides emptying his mind which I think or hope helps him to not think about the issues he has right now. That is the only time we actually have "physical' contact, as we are holding hands...I told him that the purpose of it was for us to reconnect somehow...they are days when he comes to me and says let's do it cause I'm going to bed which makes me happy that he is initiating it. I'm hopeful and a believer.
Regarding reading books, I'm actually reading "how to survive your husband's midlife crisis" but I only read the chapters that i feel help me and apply to me. there is another book that I'm reading but I've just started it. I'm trying to read books on how i can change my outlook and improve our marriage without involving him as he needs his space. and i will also read a couple of books about male midlife crisis which might give me an insight. i just ordered a couple of books from the library, and we'll see. I am standing and I truly feel grateful to RCR that she built a website for spouses that are willing to stick it out. We were brought together with our spouses for a reason, I truly believe that. And people here know that a wonderful person is beneath, hidden somewhere under all that pain that manifests in an MLCer...so to all of you, keep hoping and believing!
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Hi, I wanted to start a new discussion.
This was brought up in the coaching archives -- the idea of intuition. I have been trying to meditate, to allow myself to get in touch with, for lack of a better phrase, my own intuition and judgement. I find it hard to separate out what is intuition and what are just my desires.
And when my desires are 'right', and when acting on them would be counterproductive.
Are there good books to read? I've been riding this rollercoaster for a long time; reading helps me -- what do others have to say about this?
I went digging into the old threads and I found this interesting one. I've been wondering about intuition, as well. Occasionally, I think that I can feel his feelings and emotions. Often, I feel a sense of anger towards me from him. I'm wondering if this is my intuition or just my imagination and negative thinking coercing me to feel this way. I'm leaning towards it being the latter, although, I believe intuition is possible. I'm simply trying to understand these feelings either way and I'm interested in hearing more of your experiences. :)
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I'm learning to trust and use my intuition more - for me, it's a very real sensation in the solar plexus - that good old gut instinct.
Does the idea sit right? Does something feel wrong and uncomfortable?
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I'm with Kikki on this. I had the gut feeling for a few months before BD even tho H kept saying to relax everything was fine.
My gut feeling now is telling me that H is coming over every week to spin out his food budget. It gives him a couple of meals he doesnt have to cook or pay for ingredients for. Hmmm. I used to think he just wanted to see me. Now I think it's a convenience for him