[Rollercoasterider]

The Hero’s Spouse Code of Conduct

• Be Accepting
  The Hero's Spouse does not discriminate on the basis of race, national or ethnic origin, age, religion or religious creed, disability, sex or gender, sexual orientation, et al. This site was created as a safe place for Left Behind Spouses (LBS) dealing with midlife crisis in their marriage, but not all situations are MLC and this does not mean such an LBS is prohibited from being a member of our community. Sometimes a non-LBS may also post something of value and will generally not be removed unless they do not follow the Code of Conduct. The Hero’s Spouse does, however, reserve the right to remove a member for deliberately stalking and/or using, or threatening to use, a member's posts against them.
  
  
• Be Respectful
  We are here because of our shared marital trauma. We feel rejected, angry frustrated, confused, scared… Sometimes our emotional turmoil leads to conflict with each other. We understand this, but our situations are no excuse for poor behavior and mistreatment of others. When people do not feel safe in our community they leave and you lose your support group.
  Respectful behavior is polite, tolerant and considerate of the feelings of your fellow posters and seeks to resolve conflict with peace and empathy.
  Disrespect results in hurt feelings and distresses, disturbs, and/or offends others. Uncivil behavior is rude, impolite, discourteous behavior that displays a lack of regard for others.
  
  
• Accept Disagreements Graciously
  Lively discussion can benefit us all; it allows us to explore and understand the diversity of experiences and perspectives. It can help us to be more understanding and tolerant as well as increase empathy and become more appreciative of our differences, leading to transformation. An open environment to learning benefits us all.
  Unfortunately, it takes only a single person to disrupt the feeling of safety in a discussion and instead, many feel attacked, unsafe emotionally and that they are not supported by their peers on the forum or by the forum itself.
  
  • Be respectful of differences of opinion and experience.
  • Stop trying to show how you are right or how others are wrong or misguided.
  • Agree to disagree. Let an argument die. There is no need to be a right-fighter. Instead, accept that others may never agree regardless of how sound you find your argument.
  
  We all may occasionally be set in our position and become frustrated when others can’t or won’t see what to us is obvious. This becomes a problem when the abuse is a continuous pattern of behavior.
  This is subjective and will thus be subject to moderator discussion before significant action is taken. We will start with either a request within the thread, by PM or both along with tracking it in the system.
  
  
• Be Kind, Choose Your Words with Care
  Please be kind and gracious to your fellow community members. Insults, bullying, harassment, threats… will not be tolerated. Inappropriate behaviors include, but are not limited to:
  
  • Violent threats or language directed against another person
  • Discriminatory jokes and language
  • Posting sexually explicit or violent material
  • Posting (or threatening to post) other people's personally identifying information
  • Personal insults
  • Unwelcome sexual attention
  • Deliberate intimidation or stalking
  • Advocating for, or encouraging, any of the above behavior
  • Repeated harassment; if someone asks you to stop, then stop.
    
    
• Inflaming, Provoking Conflict
  Lecturing, blaming and criticizing a consistent group of multiple posters for their comments and advice that goes against what you feel should be advised.
  This often takes the form of *enabling advice and arguing with those who offer advice that differs—especially what may be considered more Tough Love.
  This is subjective and will thus be subject to moderator discussion before significant action is taken. We will start with either a request within the thread, by PM or both along with tracking it in the system.
  
  
• Stay on Topic: MLC and Infidelity in a Marital Style Relationship
  Story threads are for recording your journey with an MLC spouse—during MLC and after, during divorce and after, through personal recovery rebuilding your life--whether a new life without your MLCer or your new life reconciling your marriage. The Hero’s Spouse is not a dating site or a place for recording your sexual conquests. Please keep your story clean and on topic.
  
  
• Respect the Forum and Staff
  Do not challenge board policy or decision in public debate. Disagreements with board policy and moderator or administrator decisions are to be communicated privately—by Private Message or contacting Rollercoasterider through the Ask A Question Form if you are unable to use the Private Message system.
  
  
• Do Not Reveal Private Information of Others
  It is forum policy that you should not reveal your own personal information on threads—at the public or private forum. But to reveal the personal information of another rises to another level of violation as it is an act against someone else. Private information could be the obvious name, email, and other general contact information, but also includes more general information such as country of origin or residence if such information has not been revealed by the individual. This violation may bypass the lower levels of sanctioning.
  
  

*Enabling
Actions which shield someone from facing the ramifications of their behaviors. Enabling behavior differs from helping or supporting in that it encourages a person to continue making decisions that negatively affect themselves and others.


Enforcement: Sanctioning Policy
The Sanctioning Policy is meant as a means to keeping you safe and comfortable and not to censor. It is for the purpose of preventing personal attacks, and keeping the forum on topic and in adherence to the Mission Statement.
The Sanctioning Policy is a 3-level system

• Warning
  This will be a simple warning asking for the comments and behavior to stop. It will be posted in the thread containing inappropriate material with a reminder of the consequences should they continue. In addition, a Private Message may be sent with a copy of the warning post. This is meant as an early and informal warning, though a record of it will be made in the Sanction System for tracking purposes.
  Moderators will edit or remove offensive posts or material within posts unless the poster has not passed the timeframe where they may self-edit. The system does not allow this time to be greater than 99 minutes.
  Failure to comply will lead to a higher-level sanction.
  
  Moderators: Apply a 10, 15, 20, 25 or 30 percent warning level to track the warning.
  
  
• Moderated Posts
  All posts will be subject to approval by a moderator before they become public. This will remain in effect for a minimum of 2 weeks. This will be followed by a minimum 2-month probationary period.
  
  Moderators: Apply a 35, 40, 45, 50 or 55 percent warning level to set it to post moderation.
  
  
• Time-Out
  Time-Out is the assignment of members to a status that allows members to read all forums at the same level as a guest, but does not allow posting or private messaging.
  A user will be blocked from posting for a minimum period of 24 hours. Greater violations will lead to a longer period of Time-Out.
  A time-out will be followed by a period of moderation to be determined based on the severity of the violation. The moderation period will then be followed by a minimum 6-month probationary period.
  
  Moderators: Apply a 60% or greater warning level to set it to block a user from posting. Follow this with the levels set out for Moderated Posts during probationary period to follow the Time-Out.

Notification of a Level 2 and Level 3 violation will be sent through the system. You will receive a Private Message or email with a pre-set message. Personal additions may or may not be added to the message. Only Moderators and Admins have permissions set to see whether someone has been sanctioned.

The level of Sanction will be determined on a case-by-case basis. Violations are at the discretion of the moderators—Advisory Team.

If violations occur across multiple posts before a moderator becomes aware and posts a warning, these posts may be considered a single infraction—based on the severity of the infraction and at the discretion of the moderator. Subsequent offending posts will be treated as separate violations.

Further violations within a probationary period will result in additional extended periods of Time-Out and Moderation and may eventually result in being removed the forum permanently.

If a permanent ban becomes necessary, this will be applied by a forum administrator using the ban function rather than the percentage based warning system.