[mama4]

MLC has been amping up behaviors that create chaos in our home. I have been calm and metered in my responses. He has responded with additional chaotic behavior comparable to a toddler tantrum.

Our children have remained calm and followed my lead.

We started this journey in earnest in 2016 and have experienced shattering BDs in September 22 and June 24. I have considered all of the options and when MLC seems to have a partial awakening I adjust. This is a long time and his behaviors are super unexpected and atypical.
I have no barometer to determine if this is even an ok path to be on. I know I have made many mistakes and I continue a healing journey separate from his chaos and pain.

Our kids. How will our kids fair through all of this? They seem to be mostly ok but I worry.

Any experiences to share with how children have faired through the mlc journey into their own adulthood and relationships?

[AllieKat]

I cant really answer your question just wanted to say how sorry I am!  I’m 46 and my spouse is 44! We have also been married 19 years. Mine left this June and filed for D 8/10! He has no communication with me. I know the wifeexpert has several videos on kids and mlc. Not sure if she has those on youtube or just on her website!

[mama4]

 He just keeps leaving and coming home and leaving and coming home. Our kids hate him.

[in it]

Hi
Upsetting isn't it? Sorry this is like this for you and the kids. You deserve peace and so do the kids. And with him doing this it's hard to have any.

What you allow continues. If there's no real honest communication from him maybe express to him you aren't happy with him doing this.
How long does he leave for?

[Treasur]

Are you just needing to vent your feelings - which is ok, we get it - or are you looking for guidance - which is ok too?

Reading back, it sounds as if he announced in June that he wants to divorce? Has he filed yet? He is living elsewhere? Do you know where and with whom? And have you taken legal advice including what you can legally do about him coming and going in your home?

And do you know what YOU want to do next?

I ask these questions bc I want to know how YOU see the current reality of where you are and what you feel ready - or not - to do differently now about it. And if you are ready to face some of those fears you talked about in July. Bc changing a current situation, or feeling stuck in one, is usually about our fears, isn’t it?

There are no ‘right’ answers to these questions, only ones that are ‘right for you’ right now. Understanding where you are right now will help us support you better though.

What I will say is that there are Feelings and Doings, and these two things are not the same. Which does mean we can change what we Do regardless of how we Feel if we think it makes sense that we should……but we have to make that choice for ourselves. Like that old joke about how many people it takes to change a lightbulb….one, but only if the lightbulb wants to change 😜

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Mama4,

You had 3 threads running concurrently so the replies were being divided between them. Please stay with a single thread until you get to 150 posts. It makes it easier to moderate the board that way and you'll get more exposure because your thread (and your back story) will be more readily available before people answer you.

Regarding his coming and going, what init said is correct.... What you allow to continue will continue...



Regards,
UM

[Tailspin]

MAMA4,

I feel your pain.  I agree that it is a pain that many others, outside those of us who understand MLC, understand.  My wife has totally stopped speaking to me almost a year ago and truly hates me.  She filed for divorce this past July. I had a hard time accepting that almost 18 years of marriage is coming to an end.  We had a great marriage until MLC struck.  The folks here and the knowledge here has helped immensely.   The knowledge learned here and the Hearts Blessings site combined with a deeper faith in God's plan is what sustains me through this season.  It's not fair to you and your children.  You are not alone in those feelings.  I try not let my anger and hate fester.  I have to trust in the Lord that there is a bigger plan.  That is hard because it means surrendering to something you can't see.  I still pray for my wife even with her affair and extreme anger.  Deep down these people are so troubled and broken.  It's not your fault.  We didn't break them, and we can't fix them.  It is their own journey. 

Let me leave you with this which has helped me

By God’s grace, persevere in the trial: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2–4).

[OffRoad]

MLC has been amping up behaviors that create chaos in our home. I have been calm and metered in my responses. He has responded with additional chaotic behavior comparable to a toddler tantrum.

Our children have remained calm and followed my lead.

We started this journey in earnest in 2016 and have experienced shattering BDs in September 22 and June 24. I have considered all of the options and when MLC seems to have a partial awakening I adjust. This is a long time and his behaviors are super unexpected and atypical.
I have no barometer to determine if this is even an ok path to be on. I know I have made many mistakes and I continue a healing journey separate from his chaos and pain.

Our kids. How will our kids fair through all of this? They seem to be mostly ok but I worry.

Any experiences to share with how children have faired through the mlc journey into their own adulthood and relationships?

This depends on the kids, depends on their ages, depends on the outcome. An MLCer who stays in contact with their kids, even if abandoning their spouse, will be different than one that abandons the kids.

If your H just moves in and out at his whim, and has no contact with the kids while he is gone, that is rough on the kids. And each will react in their own way.

If he stays in touch while out, each will still react their own way. I will say my experience was that if you command respect and do not allow yourself to be walked on, the kids do better. This does not mean you can't allow move in or out at his whims, just that you have your own terms for it that don't make you crazy and stick to them.

While I was standing, it turned out my 18 year old D was worried that I wasn't seeing things clearly. (I had an 18 month live in mlcer).When I finally kicked him to the curb, she was relieved.  And she still has a relationship with him, yet knows she cannot trust him. For a long time she believed all men would eventually leave. I had to keep telling her that all men aren't that way. She is 27 now and in a great relationship.

Be the stable one, have respect for yourself and don't allow disrespect from others. Be a parent and they should come out OK. If needed, remind them that it's their fathers issue, not theirs. They didn't break him, they can't fix him.

[MadLuv]

I also agree with depends on the situation , ages, etc etc etc. I had an at home MLCer from 2010-2018. My kids were completely unaware. I am proud of that. 2018 BD1  came after I moved him out. He moved back 10 mths later and  when he left 2 years later I filed for a quick divorce myself yo protect myself. He is now basically a crazed vanisher and married.

My kids have been abandoned as is my GS10. My kids are now in their 30’s. I was married 30 years. My D33 is struggling with it all. I dont  think you have alot of control on what their MLC parent  causes them on pain, because your not inflicting it. You  can however limit what they are exposed to and show them what not to tolerate. Someone in crisis or depressed is not a free pass to hurt others. Disrespect others. Your home also is not a hotel for comings and goings for a stay or for your hearts. If it feels wrong for you, then it’s wrong for them.

[xyzcf]

Even though our daughter was an adult, the destruction of our marriage and the disappearance of the man she knew as her dad affected her deeply.

In discussion with what she wants, we include him in family events, Christmas, beach vacations in the winter, he stays at my home when they visit in the summer.

We have managed to remain a "family" in spite of his crisis. It is the best thing for our family.

My daughter and I are open about who is is, the changes in him and she is very aware of his "weirdness".

I attended a state CASA conference yesterday and was reminded again of how important it is to maintain some kind of contact with birth parents.

I also attended a really good session of addiction and the difference in brain chemistry, specifically with regard to the levels of dopamine in people who are addicted, depressed and even those who have ADHD.  Due to low levels of dopamine, people afflicted will search for anything that gives them the feeling that high levels of dopamine gives....in many cases, the MLCer engages in an affair, spends money lavishly, gambles, uses drugs and alcohol, does all kinds of things they would not have done prior to their crisis to attain that "high".

This is a biological fact for people with low levels of dopamine which happens...also with a genetic component that passes along these genes.

If you are ok with his coming and going then you might be able to facilitate a place where healing can occur and your kids can benefit from having some association with their father, especially if they understand the pathology that is going on.