[mama4]

Navigating the demanding schedules of four kids, all athletes who travel regularly, on my own, while trying to work, provide some kind of family summer vacation, care for the dog and mitigate big emotions the kids are experiencing has been tough. But I’m tougher. My parents and sisters are super supportive and kind and I’m grateful for a slower pace at work for the summer months.

He left again, super sweet and filled with kindness, then gone for going on four days with no explanation and zero contact with the kids (and I).

It doesn’t matter, he’s not honest anyway so better he doesn’t make up stories. He retreats to “Jeremy’s” by doesn’t realize I bumped into him a few years ago and he told me he hadn’t seen H since our wedding 19 years ago.
H had literally been at his place all weekend the days before we happened on each other and is still sticking with that story three years later.

 He didn’t go to Jeremy’s from August-late May and was spending time with me, we even got pedicures and went out to dinner every Friday night. It was like we were dating.
I suspect his OW (or OM—Jeremy) is married too and likely comes in and out of his life and when they are out he centers on me.

I had an intake appointment today with a therapist who specializes in trauma and divorce. It’s long overdue that I move on.

[Treasur]

Well done on setting up that appointment! That’s a big (maybe slightly scary) but important step.

I am glad that your family is so close and that they are supportive for you and your kids. I’m also conscious that your whole family has had a lot of trauma and grief recently, quite apart from your h’s antics. Have you read the book ‘The Body Keeps The Score’? One of the many very useful points it makes about trauma is that our bodies feel things - like the anniversary of your sister’s death just a year ago - even when our brain is not conscious of it. June must be a hard time for all of your family.

But sometimes these residues also create a desire to move out of limbo, a sort of unspoken ‘enough’ feeling. Hard to describe in words but you know it when you get a whiff of it. I think you know that the current situation will change when/if you decide to change it. Finding a decent therapist who understands trauma and the baby steps one takes to healing can help.

Have you taken legal advice on what your options are if you decide to stop your h coming and going without explanation as he pleases? Or what happens if you say ‘enough of this’? Or how to protect you and your kids practically and financially from whatever he is doing at ‘Jeremy’s’ ? You don’t have to act on it but getting legal information where you live can help you understand your possible options, constraints and obligations.

[Treasur]

PS and I’d suggest it is time for you to reclaim the main bedroom if you wish and if you haven’t already done so. If you are not yet ready to say no to his comings and goings, let him sleep in the guest room - you really shouldn’t be sleeping like a guest in your own home when, after all, HE is the one who keeps leaving.

[mama4]

Thank you Treasur,

This is very helpful. I will read the body keeps score next. I have been managing stress with yoga, the bike, running and lots of swimming with the kids. I don’t focus on what he’s doing anymore, although it sounds like I am from what I wrote yesterday. I did learn that while it looked like he was navigating back to the family for the past several months, it abruptly came to an end. I don’t see myself opening up to the idea of his return again. He doesn’t want to be here and we operate much better when he is not.

We hosted a one year memorial service and reception for my sister and it was beautiful. I miss her so much!!
His antics during this incredibly hard time solidifies that he is not a safe partner for me and never will be.

I’m not in the master bedroom yet. I worry he will come home in the middle of the night (he has before).
I want him fully out and a new bed before I possibly move into that space again.

I will seek legal advice next. I was hoping to avoid that but I can’t.

Thank you so much, this is a good place to be.

[Treasur]

On the returning in the night thing? There may well be legal reasons why you can’t change the locks yet - a question to ask when you see a lawyer perhaps - but have you considered fitting a key chain inside on the door that is used last thing at night. Not an unreasonable or abnormal security choice to secure the door when you have all gone up to bed anyway. Last person up locks the door and hooks the chain.

[mama4]

While he didn’t say specifically when he would return, he had texted me plans for yesterday today and tomorrow.

He showed up at our home yesterday evening.
Helped himself to dinner and offered to take kids to afternoon events (which he did).

He was sweet to me and pleasant to our kids, interested in their lives and kind to them.

He is still here and it’s the Fourth, a time when he usually melts down (he is a combat Veteran).

He offered to help with the extended family BBQ (he usually avoids my side of the family).

He let me know he has an appointment with the VA on Friday afternoon.

I didn’t ask him what it was for.

I realize he creates chaos. I am creating calm.

Glad I have a therapy appointment next week. I’m looking forward to a healthier path.

[mama4]

Yesterday was really fun for our kids and their dad even connected with them for a short time. Then they all met friends at different locations for fireworks. I stayed back with H and our dog who both hate the sound of fireworks. When they went to bed I joined our younger two and their friends parents for sparklers.

It was so fun!  H went into work today when he usually works from home on Fridays. This is his pattern, getting close to showing up and then retreating. I suspect he will take another trip next week.

I scheduled a consultation with a divorce lawyer to understand the process and next steps for me to take. It will be good to hear from an expert and have a clear path forward.

[xyzcf]

Hi mama,

I am glad that he was able to connect with the kids yesterday. This is hard for the LBS to handle perhaps, but I do see benefits in being able to be together as a "family" albeit a very broken one.

Also happy that you will be seeing a therapist that deals with trauma, for that is what we have also encountered through this.

He is still here and it’s the Fourth, a time when he usually melts down (he is a combat Veteran).

So many veterans suffer from PTSD, it is heartbreaking. My dad was a POW during WWII for 3 1/2 years so I lived my whole life with someone who had PTSD...not well diagnosed back then. Looking back, there were times he was fine, but other times when he was disconnected from us and a couple of hospitalizations for "breakdowns".

This is his pattern, getting close to showing up and then retreating.

Very typical behavior. Makes it confusing for the LBSer because they can be quite sweet and kind one day and totally different the next.

I scheduled a consultation with a divorce lawyer to understand the process and next steps for me to take. It will be good to hear from an expert and have a clear path forward.

I will try and find a thread where many LBSers wrote about the things they needed to discuss with the lawyers....for example, I was covered under his medical insurance because we were legally separated, not divorced...legal separation was offered in  my state which divided all the assets, determined maitenenace payments and kept me on his health insurance...9 years after he sent me a text saying he was divorcing me...no reason given but took me of health insurance...I should have stipulated in the separation agreement that he would be responsible for paying for medical insurance until I was 65 and could go on medicare. Things like who remains as the beneficiary on life insurance plans and several other things that the lawyers do not always catch.

Lawyers charge for every email, telephone call and it all adds up so make sure you have a list of things you need to have answered as well you can prepare in advance by searching on the internet what you need to know.

Some lawyers will pressure you perhaps into doing something you are not comfortable with.....my lawyer promised me she would get me a much bigger settlement than I ended up with. Between the two of us, our legal separation cost $50,000 13 years ago...and it really was not all that complicated but it was shocking.

A divorce is necessary or a legal separation to protect assets, determine child custody but may not give you the closure you seek.

And in my case, it did nothing to change the level of contact he continues to maintain with me. I really did not want to be "divorced"....those words make me cringe inside but I had no choice as this is a no fault state.

I'll look later to see if I can find that link.

Take care, this is really hard on us and our children.

Here is one thread I found with comments from others about what we need to know about our legal rights.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7209.0

"Quote from: Ready2Transform on November 04, 2015, 09:44:26 AM
I want to say that we should develop a bit of a financial checklist. Of course, all situations will be unique, but certainly there must be at least 5 questions we all asked ourselves (or wish we had) before starting the process of financial protection.

Is my spouse contributing to mortgage/rent willingly?
Is my spouse contributing to the support of the children willingly?
Do I have transportation?
Has my ability to provide basic needs like food/utilities/school expenses for the kids changed?
Do I have my own bank account, or am I totally dependent on a joint account that I could lose access to?
Do I have my own means of taking care of phone/insurance should those suddenly be revoked?
Is my spouse accruing debts that are also my legal responsibility but not to my benefit?
What's my career status and what needs to happen to earn a wage that would cover all of this?
What's my base level monthly incoming/outgoing, with and without my spouse?

Maybe if we established something like this and encouraged them to know the answers to these questions (maybe there are friends and family that could help with some aspects, or they could start moving in the direction of getting some schooling), that would be at least a temporary answer that could keep papers from being filed."

One other piece of advice I was given by a lawyer was to keep track of all my expenses over a 6 month period, everything, hair cuts, groceries, entertainment, household bills to help determine what I needed to live. Also to make copies of all tax records, insurance policies and investment statements.

[Reinventing]

Mama,

Usually your first appointment with an attorney is free. My entire divorce cost less than 3K. I agree that being organized helps.

It is really helpful to know what things look like in your state by at least getting a consult. Knowledge is good, even when things are painful.

[mama4]

Thank you

This is very helpful. I am grateful that the financial piece is not a source of stress. I’m the bread winner and always have been. He did start working a few years ago but makes less than half of my salary.

I am the record keeper, have all documents for both of us and have always prepared and filed taxes for our family.
His combat PTSD has impacted his level of function for several years and I have been in a caretaker role for a long time.
My kids love their dad and know he has “issues” (they concluded, I don not focus on his stuff).

He stands a lot to lose financially and he knows. My sister thinks this is why he hasn’t left entirely and anchor checks often.

But I still sleep on the floor and allow this circus.

I can only change me and this is the time for it.