[UrsaMajor]

Good Morning (at least it is morning on my side of the planet - Germany)

A couple of things straight off.....

1) You REALLY need to rethink your screen name if it is your real one. One of the basic tenets of this site is that NO personally identifying information that can pin you down is to be posted. That could be names of yourself, your Mid-Lifer, kids, parents, friends, etc. Basically a No Names Rule. Addresses, clubs that one belongs to, etc., can also be personally identifying so are also taboo.  or The reason for this is that this is an open Forum that anyone (including Midlifers, Affair partners, and Divorce lawyers) can find using a simple Google Search. In fact, if you do a Google Search using your screen name, it will lead you right to your posts. We have had incidents of Mid-Lifers or their Affair Partners stalking the LBS's here so please, reconsider. If this is your real name, you MUST change it to something else.

2) As KayDee noted (and the links are in my signature below) - the Survival Guide for Newbies Link has some VERY valuable information that you are going to need, likely soon.

3) If he is spending like there is no tomorrow (I call it "like water flowing over Niagara Falls"), you are going to need to make some difficult decisions soon in order to protect yourself financially. Mid-Lifers have no concept of responsibility or accountability. Consequences are things that happen to other people, not to them because, hey, they are just living their best life now and someone else is responsible for all their issues.  This can mean that you will need to consult an attorney to find out what rights you do have to protect yourself (establishing a new bank account in your name only, removing yourself from joint credit cards, etc.)

4) If it walks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, looks like a duck, poops like a duck and tastes like a duck when it is cooked, guess what.... It's a duck. If he is turning off his location and refusing to answer the phone or texts, it is because he has something to hide. It may very well be that he is simply turning his phone off but the result is the same. He is trying to hide something, most likely an affair. This also leads back into point 3 about protecting yourself financially.

5) If he is out doing the Mattress Mambo, something else that you will need to consider is protecting yourself physically. Running on the assumption he's dipping his wick elsewhere, you have no way of knowing who else has been using that wax pot and what impurities might have gotten in there that can then be transferred to you (a very round about politically correct way of saying that STD's are a real possibility that you need to be aware of and take precautions against)

6) I have merged your two threads into this single one. Please keep to a single thread until you rach 150 posts int eh thread. Otherwise it is a nightmare for the Moderators to manage. Thanks

I am sorry that you have had to find your way here but at the same time, glad that you have found us. This is a community of people that has been down this road or are still in the process and can support you. That doesn't mean we will blow smoke up your bum and  won't call you out of behaviour that we might see as detrimental to your own well-being but, like everything else, you take what is useful and discard that which is not helpful for you. What is important is that you need to take the focus OFF the Mid-Lifer because you can not control, change, manipulate, or nice them back into the marriage. What you can and need to do is to circle your own wagons and take care of your own emotional, physical, and financial well being. If there are kids int eh mix, it is even more imperative that a secure and safe place for them is established because the Mid-Lifer is no longer really capable of being a parent. They are reverting themselves beck to teenagers or even younger emotionally and are no longer capable or even interested in being a "partner" or "parent."

So, now that you have gotten the "drinking from a firehose" blast of information, please anonymize your screen name ASAP!

UM

[OffRoad]

Hi AM, how are you doing? Are things the same, improving, or getting stranger?

You have already gotten good advice and I can't stress enough that you need to protect your finances.  My mlcer went through $20,000+ in a month. Fortunately I had already split the money even though it was fairly early on.

Also be careful of gaslighting, where you will be told something you know is not true and he will insist it is true.

Let us know how you are.