[Velika]

bv comments support the legal disclaimer. She is advocating seeking support from medical professionals.

I think her comments about mixed message are also fair. People often come to this site looking for a reason to have hope. They receive a complex message that there is nothing you can do but there is a right way to do it. While MLC and advice have its own unique logic and this has a type of general value, I think in many specific cases and for someone new to this, the advice is too subtle.

I think many LBS would actually be better off with a legal separation if not a divorce from the get-go. I also think most should call their spouse's doctor to alert them of radical change in personality and behavior.

Will this have the effect of a full screening and diagnosis? Possibly not. If your spouse's condition worstens will you then have a record of when you first notified the doctor? Yes.

I am actually glad to be divorced now. I feel more protected with a legal agreement. I wish I had called my FH doctor and pushed harder for medical screening right away, but I admit I am saying this now not because to save the marriage but perhaps to help my FH and protect him from himself if at all possible.

[Phoenix]

I understand what you are saying, Velika, and each LBS definitely has to make his or her own decisions about whether and when to divorce. In my case, it would have been far worse for D and me, financially and otherwise, until she was out of school and during several medical situations where I desperately needed H's much better health insurance, but each case is uniquie.

I'm not sure if you reside in the US, but a therapist or a doctor would never allow a spouse to call and speak to them about a patient. I can't even do that in regards to my daughter without her first granting permission for her doctor to speak to me without her knowledge. And legal adults (over age 18 in the US) have the right to make their own decisions about what tests and screenings they want unless they are genuinely so incapacitated that a court grants that authority to another person.

Even my neighbor with a 19-year-old autistic son has to speak to his doctors in front of him at all times, and is not always allowed in the room (and never during counseling) because he is considered high enough functioning though he could never live indepedently.

Even if I was to have called and "alerted" H's doctor of a change in personality, this would have had no bearing. As completely bizarre as H acted in front of me, he held it together just fine in front of others (and 7 years later, still does) and his doctor would have thought I was a woman scorned trying to make him seem crazy. If anything it would have given credence to others about why H wanted to leave. As difficult as it may be not to have control, we don't. However, if a degenerative issue is at play, either a spouse will choose to get help or it will naturally progress to a point that it's obvious to other family, co-workers, etc. that they need help. It may not be ideal, but this is what the law is in many places which is why it only adds to the stress, and maybe guilt, to tell an LBS they have to get a spouse to an neurologist or other doctor. That can't be done against their will in many places.

I agree that people should consider possibilities when a loved one has sudden and drastic changes in personality, but--depending on the laws and policies in each area--this does not mean that the spouse has any say or influence in the situation other than to broach the topic with their spouse in the hope he or she might choose to look into it.

Phoenix

[Velika]

Phoenix, yes -- you are correct that an adult must seek medical treatment voluntarily barring certain circumstances, and also that privacy laws would prevent doctors from discussing the case with an unauthorized person.

My lawyer gave me the green light to call my FH doctor when I regained her (about eight months in). The doctor's office told me they could listen but not comment. They actually showed a lot of interest. So I would recommend to anyone who arrives here to at least say, "Hey, my spouse has suddenly changed. This is the family history. These are the medications." Just a simple alert.

I wished I had called right away for two reasons. One we were not yet separated and two my FH was taking an SSRI with warning to report sudden changes in behavior and personality. I think at the very least the doctor might have review the medication, especially if I had shared family history. At the time I had never heard of MLC, FTD and only had vague understanding of how the brain worked etc. I had no idea what bipolar could look like.

I suspect my FH will, like yours, kind of continue on. I don't envision him having a spectacular crash or breakdown, but I also wonder at times if he will keep his job and doubt he will ever be the same person I once knew. I am basing this largely on his family history, not what I read here, because I think truthfully this is the best predictor of what will happen to any one of our given cases.

I never wanted to get a divorce -- but I feel quite strongly the person I once knew and loved is "gone." So speaking to my own experience, protecting yourself financially, getting expert advice, and not accepting a certain level of treatment has been empowering.

[Not Applicable]

In the end, we can only make predictions based on how well they match known patterns. In my husband's case I see no matching of bvFTD patterns, but I do have to say he has followed what HB has written almost to a T.  I read her articles every day, different ones depending on what is going on, and it is downright amazing how well she nails it.

I used to think my H would never come out of this and would get stuck in endless replay but he's now come over the hump of replay and is in the part of replay where the mask starts to slip off of OW and he starts to see me as the greener grass. I do believe MLC is an illness, but not bvFTD, and that no matter what my husband thought he wanted or needed or was going to do, the illness has its own momentum that will push him down a path NOT of his choosing.

That's why I see no point in divorce. I want my husband back and so far I see no reason to believe that isn't possible.

[OldPilot]

New thread

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9447.0