[Finding Hope]

Hey Bon,

Glad to hear from you. I too applaud those of us who stand. There is no way that we don't come out better people. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done (including 13 hours of labor) LOL.

At first I didn't think that I was going to make it. Actually didn't think that I wanted to. Then SLOWLY, I started realizing that I had to. I had children that needed me. I had a life worth living. I was worth someone loving me. All the things that I knew I still wanted out of my life.

Yes, the 2 x 4's helped. I (use to be) really hard headed. Now, Im a duck!!!! Just let it roll. Best advise I ever got.

Im seeing progress. The fruits of my labor. When you actually see what what your doing is making a difference, not so much in your spouse but the others around you, you think WOW, people are noticing. It makes you feel great.

Today, Im happy. Im stronger. I HOPE that my h can find the peace within himself that I have. It is a good feeling

C

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

You can add me to the list as well.

Last July, a couple days before my H took his first near-permanent vacation away from me, I remember thinking that I just wanted all the pain to stop, and would it be so terrible to simply "check out"?  That was my term for it; I think that I wasn't prepared to admit to myself I meant suicide.  But I thought of others besides my H who'd be upset I went that route, and I couldn't take it any further once I thought how hurt they'd be.  Looking back now, I can't believe I even considered it.  Really.

You never know what's around the corner.  Bad things, yes, sometimes, but also a whole host of good things that simply require for you to stick around and be there.

[RivenIN2]

It is far to easy as am LBS to only concentrate on the pain, the daily grind of getting through another day of monster or forcing yourself to go through the motions or semblance of true living. I had my own MLC then immediately became an LBS and let me tell you it was real difficult to find a reason not to just end the pain. To put a definite stop to it for all time, but in my darkest moment I remembered that life begins in pain, the sharp stab in the eyes as you see light for the very first time. Yeah it hurts but then you get to see the beauty of the light. I hurt when this all began but I decided to stick around for the beauty, for if it follows suit then the beauty at the end of this ought to be worth the wait. Well I am still waiting and so glad that I decided to spend some time here this morning as I was so near done with this Stand, so worn out and tired by the constant struggle of a live in MLC'er but then I read this thread! It has lifted my spirits and given me some more hope. so the raving of my W this morning is fading and the pain is also being forgotten as I type this reply. I do not know where I will be in a years time or if I will still be married or Standing but at least I still will BE and that is a journey all it's own. Riv

[BonBon]

WOW.

This is so lovely Riven:
"in my darkest moment I remembered that life begins in pain, the sharp stab in the eyes as you see light for the very first time. Yeah it hurts but then you get to see the beauty of the light."

You'd better stick around because you have a gift with words...and I'm sure with alot of other things too...

Hugs,
Bon

[RivenIN2]

BonBon thanks you for appreciating my writing, it seems that I write better the closer I am to that pain. When my heart hurts and I feel worn out then it flows out of me with no effort. At other times I guess I try to hard and I get in the way. lol Today was hard I was and still am in pain. As time goes on I realize it has been years since I last ML to W, but the memories are still vivid and cry out to me. This is my pain, feeling so much love and not being able to express it in our physical form. Isn't that a huge part of being human? To bring beauty into the world by our actions and imaginations and often it is the only way we can cover or discharge the pain we feel. Well off for now I have errands to run and bills to pay. ( or no one else will pay them; lol ) Later Riv

[BonBon]

Wow, more poetic statements from you.
That's a gift...don't forget it.
I'm sure most artists would concur with your take on pain and creativity...and so forth.
Take care,
bon

[Finding Hope]

RivenIN2,

I so glad that you stopped by. I have at times thought about where I was and what I was doing in all this madness.

I look at it like this. At bd we are all wounded. The MLC'er has inserted the knife. For awhile they keep twisting it. It is when we choose, to remove the knife by learning that this isnt about us, it all about them. They are the ones that have to figure this out. All we can do is take this time to become stronger, patient, better.

Those of us who have live-in spouses, at times salt is poured into the wound, so it never really gets a chance to heal. Unfortunately, or fortunately however you look at it, that is what we have to deal with.

I know how you feel about ML. Its been 13 months, once in awhile I get a hug if I initiate besides that nothing. It is very painful. It is a part of being human. But, not a hugh part. What if she couldn't would that change how you loved her. No, you would just have to express it in another way. For now, that's what you have to do.

I do little things for my h, things I know he notices and appreciates. I am giving him a safe place. That's all I can do right now.

I show him my love without ever touching him, without ever telling him. I hope is that when he comes out of this, it is that, that's hes going to remember.

That I didn't give up, that I showed him love. That I made it a safe place for him to land. I don't do any of this for just him but me. It is who I am, who I want to be. If in the end, he isnt in my life, I can be happy in the knowledge that I did my best. Took this time to heal, find my way.

Keep your chin up. Find the beauty in the things that you do have for now. It will get better. I didn't think so, and now I know.

Hugs to you

C

[RivenIN2]

Confused I do try to see the beauty in all I have and my issue is not so much that I cannot ML but the internal struggle I have. I am fine with it most days knowing what I do about MLC and I do as many small things as I can for her. Trouble is every now and then I get this feeling welling up within me that needs to be quenched but I have no way in which to do that. No outlet and so I internalize it and move on, but doing this only makes the next time that much worse and I fear I am loosing control at times. Yesterday was not about that but about how ill I felt and how she does nothing to help me. I mean little things like ask to get me a pillow, something stupid but shows that you care. I do all of those things for her and more but can count on nothing even when I am ill. Actually even less when I am ill. I have decided in order to maintain control I need to make myself as scarce as I can while she is at home. I have to start doing more chores around the house that need doing just to keep busy and not think to much. I think she is starting to see reality and she is afraid, it scares the hell out of her and she is getting more depressed and trying to push it away. So in essence I think she is near the end of the tunnel but so scared to come out.

[Finding Hope]

RivenIn2,

I know how you feel, I truly do. The thing that I miss most is, when Im having a bad day, I cant go to him. He has NEVER been the kind of guy that would come up to me, give me a big hug and tell me it was going to be OK. More like, get over it but, I still had the option.

When I was sick, always had to take care of myself. He was always selfish. Honey, she cant show you see cares. How could she, its all about her right now. I don't know if she was the kind of women, who when she wasn't in MLC would show you the things that you crave now.

For me, not much different then now. Actually he has been showing more concern for my feelings. They say that when the come out of the tunnel, the good things stay and they are better. That is my hope.

Keeping busy, its a good thing. Takes your mind off it for awhile. One foot in front of the other somedays is all we can manage.

I hope that she is nearing the end of the tunnel, give her the space to do this. (Wouldnt want her to bolt further in)!!!!!!!!!!!

According to most, we are the lucky ones. They have not left. On one hand I guess that's true. On the other, we wouldn't have to deal with it all the time.

Im sorry that your having a hard time. Tomorrow will be better, if not the next. Im here anytime you feel the need to talk.

You can do this. I will be the hardest thing that you will probably ever do. I wish none of us were here. We are and the only thing we can do is find the strenght to go one.

C

[Sassyone]

Confused:

I too kept thinking what you posted below and guess what, my H has told me exactly that.   Keep the faith girlie!

I show him my love without ever touching him, without ever telling him. I hope is that when he comes out of this, it is that, that's hes going to remember.

That I didn't give up, that I showed him love. That I made it a safe place for him to land. I don't do any of this for just him but me. It is who I am, who I want to be. If in the end, he isnt in my life, I can be happy in the knowledge that I did my best. Took this time to heal, find my way.

Hugs and sunshine,

Sassy