[Finding Hope]

I started this thread, not to talk about my stitch, but the thought that I have been having about the site. I have noticed in the last several months that a lot of good people have left or at least aren’t posting. People who have helped with my journey.


When I first came to this site, it felt like a safe place. Somewhere I could come in my darkest hours. To find someone who knew what I was going through, to find someone to guide me and give me comfort. I got that.

I admit that in the beginning it seemed that I would never understand what I was being told I should do. Detachment, that was hard for me. It wasn’t until I fully understood what that word meant. It doesn’t mean stop caring about your MLC’er. Especially if your spouse lives at home. It means to try to move on with your life, don’t try to control what is out of your control. That you have to step back from their madness.

You have to be able find your own way. Make the changes that need to be made to make you stronger. For those who decide to stand, and live with your spouse this is most important.

There have been a lot of disagreements when it comes to this. I think that we all have are own path to travel. To some it may seem like the advice that has been given isn’t being used. But, we all process things differently. We all, take what we think that will work for us. After all, no one knows us really.

With me, I didn’t want to just totally leave him to his own demise. I made the changes that I needed to make. After all, I don’t think that there is anyone who can look back at their marriage and not see that there are things that could have been different, things that need to be changed.

I decided that the changes that I needed to make were for me, as well as my marriage. Or not this relationship then the next. It was my mission to learn from my mistakes, and be a better me. With that I also wanted to let my h know that I was still here because I wanted to be not because I had to. I wanted to give him a place to feel safe, for him to heal.

I never, confronted him much (did poke the beast a few times). Stopped the snooping and didn’t pressure him. These are the things that are hard to learn. Detachment, to me meant to pull back everything, my love, my concern. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted him to see what he was willing to give up. I may not have done it the way I was being told to do but, I did it in a way that I could live with.

I guess what I want to say is although it may seem that some just aren’t getting it, for us the LBS’s it is also a process. Just like the MLC’er, it’s going to take time. WE too move through a tunnel, not the same one for sure but, a tunnel none the less. We are in the dark, in a bad place. We are confused, angry, panicked. These feelings have to be dealt with but, it takes time for us the same as the person in MLC.

What I would ask is although time is our friend, it is time that we need to process all of this and try to focus on us. What timeline works for one, won’t work for another. Don’t chastise. Patience is what the person needs. They may ask the same questions over and over. Say the same things again and again. Trust me, its something that needs to be done; it is part of the process for us. I many times felt embarrassed that it didn’t seem I was getting it.

Today, I am happy with the choices that I have made in regards to my stand. I am happy with me. I am happy with the progress in my marriage that “I” have made. I have seen progress from my h, and I think it is because of the choices that I have made. He is along way from finishing his journey. I am the lighthouse, I am paving the way. I am giving him the time, love, patience, and understanding that he needs. I am seeing the fruits of my labor.

To all, that have helped me and didn’t think that I was listening, I was. I appreciate every one of you. I took what worked and left the rest.


C

[OldPilot]

I notice, read this post and then go back and read your first post on DB or here.
Big difference. Good job C and good advice too!

[Finding Hope]

Thank you and thanks for stopping by
C

[Trustandlove]

Confused, it's interesting that you started this today because I was also thinking about this topic.  I was pondering starting a thread on "different types of LBS", and here you did it -- well done. 

The process is a long one for all of us, both the MLCer and the LBS.  We are each different too, even though our stories have such similarities, and we definitely process things in different ways.  We also each use this forum a bit differently; some need to talk and talk and talk, some just want factual information, some want to form friendships, and many other things. 

Just like we say there isn't a definite timeline for MLC, there also isn't one for an LBS.  There is also definitely not one thing that "works" for everyone, and not everyone's definition of GAL is the same, and the things that help one person don't have much effect for another. 

There also isn't one 'approved' end product -- not even one definition of "healed", actually. 

I like what you say about when it seems like someone hasn't been listening, they actually have.  That really resonates.

x

[Sassyone]

Wow Confused, I see such growth in you.

  Hugs my friend.  Great advice.  You are correct it is all a process.  Learning and growth takes time and patience.

Sassy

[c3po]

Your post is very inspiring.  I like that you focused on our journey as the LBS.   

[Thundarr]

You have come such a very long way!  It's great to see how you learned to focus on yourself rather than him in order to survive the chaos of having a live-in MLCer.  Very proud of you, dear friend!

It does make me wonder, though, how many of us actually DON'T reach a level of peace and understanding.  A friend on L2 questioned just the other day how many are driven to suicide in the wake of this madness, and I have often wondered as I looked back at the inactive threads if there were any who were unable to cope and ended their life.  I pray not, but realistically there are probably more than a few.  I've heard stories on other boards about posters' friends who have, but in an anonymous forum like this we would never know.  Perhaps the lessons we are learning here and the messages we are getting out will save a life someday and even decrease the suicide rate of those going through separation, divorce and infidelity.  Maybe we can make a difference in the big picture.

[Mitzpah]

C,
Interesting points to ponder.
I, too, think that I have grown throughout this ordeal. I have found that I just continue on my path, though. I almost lost my way when all this happened, so thrown off kilter that I was!
I heard  comments from acquaintances passed on to me in this last week that I was very strong and that I would come through on top! I also heard that I was looking so much better and livelier, more like myself
I heard that I was looking very good
I wonder why we don't feel particularly different inside, why I still cry every day.
I think you are right that it takes time for us too (and for some, much longer than others).
I have not seen any progress in my h., I don't see him anyway But, what I have heard tells me he is still in hard replay, pursuing his happiness, going from high to high.
You are right, it does no good to focus on them because we cannot do anything about their crisis, we can only focus on our own path and in my case, I needed to carry on living and following my path even though my beloved has decided to take another path.

[Finding Hope]

Mitzpah

I think that in the beginning we all lose our way. We have devoted so much of our lives to our spouses, lost our own identities. It is because of that (I think), that it is so hard on us. They drop the bomb and we don't know what to do. We panick because we define ourselves as wives, husbands, mothers or fathers.

We spin, we panick. We cant understand what has happened. We blame ourselves. The burdon is unbearable. We go into fix it mode, which only brings monster.

It took me along time to understand that this wasn't about me. That there was nothing that I could do to fix him. When I tried I only bought on more pain and confusion for me.

So, finally I figured out that I had to choose a path that was going to heal me. It had to be my priority to do that.

Thundarr,

I know that there are a few LBS's that have thought about stepping off the ledge. I myself was one of them. Honestlyy if it wasnt for my dog (sounds funny unless you know that unconditional love), I would have. For months I felt that way. I just couldn't pull myself out of that dark place.
I can here many, many times on the edge of that ledge, only to have someone here talk me off.

Its a journey we didn't want to take, was forced into. But because of it we will come to the end of it stronger, whole.

C

[BonBon]

Nicely put C....and your growth and understanding of all this is very impressive.
I don't think any of us "get" it when we land here...you can see from alot of new posters who "get" it, that they've been reading a long time before ever posting.

As you well know, I too contemplated the big "S".  It was for only about 20 minutes but I will say, it was the longest 20 minutes of my life and it was extremely serious.  And like you, the ONLY (and I fully mean ONLY) thing that stopped me from a horrifying decision was my DOG.  Not my husband, not my mother, siblings...nope, just my little fur child.  Which is why when I grow up, I'm going to become the avenger of all animals and change a few things in our treatment of them...but I digress....lol...

You are so very right that we all take different paths, are on different time schedules.  I think that one of the things to keep in mind is that although we do take different paths, the themes are the same...detach....GAL and so forth.  It is up to the individual LBS as to what that means...but its pretty much a blanket method of surviving this.

I think there is a long learning curve for some because its just so foreign to our nature to back off, let go, and live as an individual.  And I think that sometimes when people are advising a newer LBS, they can see that the person might not be really understanding what is meant...hence the occasional 2x4.  I've needed quite a few myself, still will at times.  So I think your advise to people who are posting and advising is good.  I would also add that when hearing advice, generally, people should keep in mind that the people here are trying to help.  Sure, there are agendas here and there but I've only encountered that once in this whole time I've been here...and I addressed it and never heard from the person again. 

Truth be told, I don't think standing is for everyone.  Its up to each individual as to what they can stand, and for how long, and what advice they want to take.  I would never blame someone for not wanting to....but I applaud those that do.

Bon