[nesquick2]

i have explained to my eldest two that there dad is not feeling right at the minute as they asked lots of questions and were confused by there dads behaviour. my youngest two seem to go with the flo. maybe because they are 4 and 7. i have always encouraged the kids to see there dad. they see him every other weekend for two nights and every wednesday night for tea. my kids seem to like ow. they just clash with her kids. im lucky in that some way i can keep ow out of my head. it used to hurt at the begininng when kids raved about her but i just smiled sweetly. i done this for my kids benefit not ow. as a few of you know my son lives with his dad at the moment. i want my kids to see me as a calm loving mum. and also know that id encouraged them to see there dad. my husband does get angry with our 3 d when they go to his and sometimes the eldest d says she wants to stay home. i would never force her to go if she did not want to but i do encourage her to keep a bond with her dad. it is tough on our kids so its a good job they got there lbs mum or dad to support them.

[Faith]

Thank you all so much for your advice and opinions.  I was kind of surprised that H was awarded this much visitation, because I had an affidavit from a counselor my girls have seen several times that VERY clearly expressed that kids need time to grieve and that forcing a relationship with a father they have no respect for at this time is damaging.  I know the affidavit helped me get sole custody though and not the joint that my H wanted.  In my state, the "unwritten" rule is that a judge typically orders visitation ("parenting time" as it's called here - ha!), but if a teenager refuses to go nothing is done to enforce it.  The girls have to deal with their dad's mental abuse & guilt, but no police will come haul them to his place.  I feel like this is tricky to navigate during this in-between time, because I don't want to hurt my final custody case.  My lawyer says my job is to tell the girls they are expected to spend that time with their dad, and "encourage" them to go.  That's all that's required of me.  I will not force them into a car - if H wants to do that it will be up to him. 

You all have such sad stories too and they break my heart.  LisaLives, I can so relate to what you're going through right now.  My D17 has also told me she's dreading Christmas and it will never be normal again.  Their dad now rings the doorbell of our home.  Everything they depended on and thought was true (marriage is forever) has been turned upside down.  I absolutely believe these older kids need time to grieve and come to the abandoning parent when THEY are ready, but H has no time for that & cares only about his own percieved needs.  You are right that home is a much more peaceful place, but these poor kids.  Lisa, your kids' reactions are not a reflection of your parenting at all, they are just honest emotions that come from being thrust into an UNFAIR, UNJUST, and horribly hurtful situation.  How can they not cry?  As much as we want to take that pain away and make it better, we just can't - and that's our cross to bear because we care about our kids more than our own lives.  Our MLCer cares about himself only.

I hope we can keep this thread going and maybe help each other as we learn what works and doesn't work as we do our best to get our kiddos through this.

[FixingMyself]

This is really helpful as I have just started on this road. Kids are younger and like OW.
I just posted on my own thread and am too tred to write it out again. Its on Fixing Myself an Introduction. perhaps someone is clever and can paste link?!!