[whatever]

Ninja;
You are right.  My head knows you are right but my heart is suffering so much.  I agree that it's been my "pursuing" behavior and our being too intertwined...and lost ourselves... that has hurt our marriage.  I am not taking responsibility for his bad choices just trying to see what my part has been in this whole mess.  As for walking away...only time will tell...

[StillStanding]

There were a couple of times when I left for a few days -- when I first found out about OM, when I found out that she went to visit him -- but in my heart I knew I could never be the one to walk out for good.

Hell, I was miserable the few days that I did leave, and I told her so.

[rememberer]

 I'm about 4mths since BD, and know I have a long way to go with this.

The way I look at it is, that when you decide to love someone, you take a risk and if this is the price I have to pay now for what I had all those 23yrs then it was worth it. I'm thankful for what we had but somehow it was lost. The last several years before BD were very difficult, and I expended a lot of my time and energy trying to make it work( although now I know I did all the wrong things and should have been just giving him time and space).

I'm not sure I can keep doing that, or be able to forgive and forget. It's a lot to fathom. I feel sick every time I think of what it would be like if he came back now, and I know I can't go back to that.

At times I think it would be easier to move on and eventually develop a relationship with someone new. Sometimes I think he was a good provider during the time when we were raising a family, but I think I want something different for the second half of my life. My husband was/is a workaholic and I want someone who wants to be with me and enjoy doing things together. My self-esteem has taken a beating for a long time now.

I think I can do better.

[SpecialK]

Thanks every one for your comments.  Sometimes I feel that I want to pack my bags, leave the key and run away, a bit like a child throwing a tantrum, most of the time I'm ok and don't think of it.  I've come a long way in my own journey.  I've just been reading notes I wrote when I reached rock bottom, and how scared I felt.  I can still recall those feelings. 
Now I'm in a much better place, I've really worked on myself - I'm stronger and my confidence is growing.  When I reached rock bottom, I had just been given a written warning at work, I really felt a failure.  I've been a new piece of work which I've 2.5 weeks to complete, if I fail this piece then it's a third and final warning.  I had the chance to walk away, but I choose to fight this, and most
importantly do it for me, I have to prove to myself that I can do it! 

I still have a bit of a way to go, but I'm enjoying the new, real me and I want to enjoy it without any complications.

SKxx 

[xyzcf]

Good luck on the peiece of work that you need to do..you can do it and do it well.

[What Next]

SpecialK

I felt like walking away a number of times during my marriage but not after BD.  Like Ready said, it would have been all about the drama for me.  If I had walked years ago, I would have been trying to provoke a reaction.  I did feel after BD that my marriage was over and that I could only accept his decision and live out my life in loneliness.

Thanks to this forum I now know that my marriage is not over, that takes two people to make that decision and that no matter what happens next I need not be lonely.  I have my girls, my family and friends and I am actively GAL!

When I explained my 'Stand' to my therapist I told her it was not the easy option, it is very painful and she simply said such is the price of love!  And it is, I wouldnt go through this out of fear or revenge or whatever other emotion only for love.

Good luck at work, I know how important that is and how easy it is to let things slide with all that is going on around you. I will be willing you on to success!

[mercury]

NG wrote:

I think that's what got a lot of our spouse's into this whole mess.  A lot of them became too intertwined and lost themselves in their relationships.

This i can relate to, we where so intertwine.  When he left, I felt like apart of me was gone.  I was forced to replace what was gone with me again. 

In the beginning, if I could have run away, I would have, just moved somewhere far away, but it would not have fixed anything.  We can't run from ourselves anymore then they can.  But we are smart enough to know that, and fight your daemons on known territory.  Also, if I had run out and found a om for myself, what would I have learned, nothing just  like them. 

[Love being on higher grounds]

run away? hell yes! too many times to count

what stops me every time is the fact that I love my husband, our family and our lives together...every marriage has its issues, when I realized I needed to "fix" myself because I could do NOTHING for him...things got a tiny bit easier...I am still doing this today, as well as implementing the issues that I have already fixed...

hugs,
L

[SpecialK]

Thank you both so much for your comments.

I was a Weight Watchers Leader for 21 years, and one of things I always use to say to my Members was:  'Giving up is easy'.  Yes it would have been the easy option for me to walk away from my job, however I would have felt rubbish, a failure etc., and more importantly I would have never known what the outcomewould have been had I stayed, and 'what if' would be often playing in my mind. 

SKx