[Standing in Patience]

Curious, at LIOK suggestion, how do you know when a mlcer is out of replay?

It's been over two years now. Are there definite signs to watch out for?

Is it when there is no "dead" look in his eyes?

Or when he "sounds" like his old self and not a teenager?

Will he ever accept any blame for the state of the marriage?


Edit
I think this will be best answered on this thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3338.0 - OLDPILOT

[notmeitshim]

what does it mean when he shows remorse for leaving you after the bomb drop...got into a convo where he's like I'm gonna see a counselor, by myself...its killing me the pain I'm causing you... its not you, its me...I have to see the other woman...

[calamity]

Hi notmeitshim,  [excellent name!]

There is often remorse & many of us have heard similar things.  They are confused to say the least.  Soon after BD many have regrets & a few actually DO something about it.  Most, unfortunately, express their doubts, apologize, blame themselves & then carry on doing with ow as before...

From:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc.html

Words or promises spoken as a conscious lie may be inadvertent truths. MLCers leave, often saying that it is only temporary, they will be back. Some mean these words and are not aware that temporary is longer than their imagination, some want to mean them, but lack trust within themselves, and others are using them as words of appeasement with no honest intentions. Almost all are unaware of their rapidly cycling emotions and that they will change their minds in an hour, day, week or month--possibly multiple times.

[stayed]

I would even go so far as to say, that if he does SEE a counselor, he will get the VALIDATION about leaving you, that he is seeking.  He wants to be reassured that he is doing the right thing, that HIS HAPPINESS must take precedence.  I can pretty much assure/guarantee you that he will get it from an individual counselor, heck, unless he see's a very PRO MARRIAGE counselor, he will get the reassurance he is seeking. 

Even if he doesn't, he will ONLY hear what he wants to hear.  Please do not get your hopes up that he is going to sort this out properly.  That seeing a counselor on his accord is a good sign... it can be, but I wouldn't count on it.

Gosh, that sounded pretty DEPRESSING eh?  Sorry... hugs Stayed

[crazyjourney]

Not a mentor but wanted to mention this.

My h started this back in 2005, left our home for about 9 weeks no known ow, I convinced him in that time to come back home, didnt know about mlc.

Well fast forward to Jan 2011 and off he goes again, life inbetween was good but definately something was brewing but I only see this looking back.

My advice here is let them go, they have to get through it and if they dont they will return at a later date without a doubt, they have to grow up and mature but sadly it will cause a lot of heartache.

Dont even think about them coming home until you are sure they have completed the journey through the tunnel or you will be jumping on the rollercoaster with them and it will be traumatic and could break you and your marriage if that is what you want to save.

Why is this well they hurt you more with the cruel things they are likely to say as they cycle in their confused minds, they cycle one minute towrds you saying you are what they want and the next minute away from you saying they made a mistake it doesnt feel right and you are not what they want and when this happens if you cling they are likely to get nasty, then you will retaliate and well we know where that is going.

Now how will you know if they are through the tunnel, I dont know sorry, but it takes a long time I do know that by reading the strories on here, none of them come through in a few months thats for sure, if they do it wasnt mlc.

I know to the exact week when my h went back in or returned to finish, still cant figure where he was from coming back the first time but he certainly wasnt completely home in his mind, one thing that really stands out for me is that he wouldnt re do our marriage vows which was what I wanted to do, if he had been back completely I think he would have really wanted this being the person deep down that I knew he was.

Hope its okay for me to comment on here.

x

[living with Hope]

New Question -  What does it mean when your spouse returns to the replay behaviours that they exhibited at bomb drop?  My husband seemed like he was moving along.  Not quite there but starting at times to see the damage and not much anger was shown if at all. 
Bomb Drop - 16 months ago
He just recently lost his parent and since then he has been running hard away from me and the children.  The past two weeks, I have seen a return to his monitoring behaviour and things he did right after bomb drop.  It confuses me.   He had stopped this behaviour for at least 5 months.  Now it is back in full force.  The anger is not as strong as right after bomb drop but it is back and the blaming of me for all his issues is back.  He can admit to this has been hard on all of us just not him.

Any insight would be great fully appreciated as I am at a loss and floundering....

[Ready2Transform]

He's cycling back through it, and may continue to for some time.  Unfortunately, 16 months is still very short in MLC, and it's not a straight path. 

My H BD'ed me 20 months ago, but popped his head out 16 months ago as well.  I thought all of the Monster stuff was behind us, but he ramped it up again in September, with all of the anger directed at me (and we haven't even had contact since then).  I wish I could give you more comfort other than to trust the process and focus on your own healing, but really, that's the most solid thing you can do. 

[stayed]

Crazyjourney your thoughts/opinions/input are just as welcome and valuable to us as anybody else.  This forum is all about sharing our personal experiences.  I am so sorry your h was not finished his crisis.  I must agree with you about "letting them go".  Like you, the further they are away from you the less damage they can do.  Leave them to their misery, no point going down with them.

Ugggggggggh, the return to replay is horrific.  Sometimes not quite as monsterish, but perhaps that is because we are not as sensitive to their abuse as we were the first couple of times.  Don't let him monster at you.  Treat him just like you would a belligerent child, ask him to leave, if he will not leave then you do so, hang up the phone, whatever, but do not allow him to treat you rudely.  It was always easiest when it happened while on the phone, as you could simply ask them to stop and warn if he could not be polite you would hang up... and then do so, if he continued to be monstrous. Face to face is more difficult, but whatever you threaten, be sure you do it.

Hard to believe we are having these discussions about fully grown adults.   

hugs Stayed

[OldPilot]

New Thread

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3356.0