[Medusa]

Conversely, I was quite surprised to learn a couple of months ago that my marriage had been in trouble for something like 20 years. News to me!

[OffRoad]

Conversely, I was quite surprised to learn a couple of months ago that my marriage had been in trouble for something like 20 years. News to me!

I think we've all been there. I have no idea why we would have another child if our marriage was so screwed up from the beginning. Or buy a house. Or take vacations that everyone said they enjoyed. or invest in things together. Or any of the things we did for each other and the family. 

[Medusa]

Conversely, I was quite surprised to learn a couple of months ago that my marriage had been in trouble for something like 20 years. News to me!

I think we've all been there. I have no idea why we would have another child if our marriage was so screwed up from the beginning. Or buy a house. Or take vacations that everyone said they enjoyed. or invest in things together. Or any of the things we did for each other and the family. 

Yup. Clearly we were all delusional at the time!

[OffRoad]

He expected me to go crazy, he expected me to destroy his things, show up at his work, get in the girls face, he told people that I was going to do these things. 

Yeah, what is that? I still remember what my H said after "the talk". I had been completely calm, validated what I could, told him he did not get to tell me what I thought or felt, as I should know my own feelings. And he looked at me with a completely confused look on his face and said "That conversation didn't go the way I thought it would. I'll have to think on that."

I think they made us into some horrible monsters in their mind, and when we don't react in that way, it leaves them nonplussed.

This is the way it was with my wife and I. She really expected me to yell at her, even though I've never done that in 36 years. She even hid the key to the gun cabinet. She was baffled by my response. I think they grow up in an environment where love is based on conditions. If you don't behave the right way you won't be loved. So they can't believe that we love them anyway. They don't understand unconditional love.

BBM: I'm beginning to think you are on the money on this. H's family doesn't believe that people can have different opinions or that disagreements are OK. Welcome to the Borg.

[MsT]

I like what everyone is saying here.

I think they grow up in an environment where love is based on conditions. If you don't behave the right way you won't be loved. So they can't believe that we love them anyway. They don't understand unconditional love.

I had the exact same thought in my sitch. I believe it is accurate, having met his mother.

Also,

I think we've all been there. I have no idea why we would have another child if our marriage was so screwed up from the beginning. Or buy a house. Or take vacations that everyone said they enjoyed. or invest in things together. Or any of the things we did for each other and the family

Yes, it is almost the first place I went. He really wanted this baby. We tried for two years, and he started bringing up adoption. He also really wanted this house, with enough bedrooms for all the kids and a yard for a dog and a swingset. WhoTF signs a 30 year mortgage if "they've been miserable for a long time" and are planning an exit?

And:

He expected me to go crazy, he expected me to destroy his things, show up at his work, get in the girls face, he told people that I was going to do these things.

I'm almost positive mine expected this from me, too, along with several other childish behaviors. I did no such thing (though I had some pretty violent fantasies here and there, honestly)

Finally:

I think they made us into some horrible monsters in their mind, and when we don't react in that way, it leaves them nonplussed.

Mine has been looking for a fight on and off pretty hard. Sometimes more than others, but I have been 100% rational and calm and pleasant every interaction since he has left.
It seems to frustrating the crap out of him and I have to confess that I feel a little bit gleeful about that at times, even though it makes it feel like playing games.

[OffRoad]

It seems to frustrating the crap out of him and I have to confess that I feel a little bit gleeful about that at times, even though it makes it feel like playing games.

Get your fun where you can, at this point.

[MsT]

http://personaltao.com/teachings/midlife-crisis/signs-of-a-midlife-transformation/

This article reminded me of this topic. The author mentions mirroring between partners, and that the partner not having crisis will usually exhibit about 25% of the midlife crisis symptoms.
The author also says "To do nothing is to let midlife crisis decide how you change" and it reminds me of something my Dad told me way back before the Alzheimer's. He told me that the only constant is change and if that not making choices is choosing to let things happen to you instead of deciding what happens. This is wise advice for me because I tend to be indecisive.

So the way I see it, our partner's crisis forces us into transition, but we come here and pick up the equipment we'll need to transit smoothly to a better place.  Ideally.