[OffRoad]

If I did anything better than him or got more attention than him he would want me to tone it down.  So I did.  I really didn't mind, but I lost a lot of who I really am along the way.   

This ^^^^. I know this happened to me, too. In my case, H liked who I was, but it threatened him, because who I was was what he WANTED to be. It took him a while for him to realize that who he was/is is an awesome person in his own right. I almost think my H has regressed back to where he feels like I threaten him again.

So do you find yourself reverting to the old or true you, or becoming someone completely different?

[toomanytearss]

I'm going back to me Offroad, just changing some of the bad habits I picked up along the way.   

[MyBrainIsBroken]

RCR Wrote:

As a projection of his anima, the OW is indicative of the developmental level of his female within. The MLCer's anima has remained undeveloped or less developed while his spouse, the external female, has grown apart from the projection. When the couple met, something within the external person matched the anima/animus of the other. It is why some feel that they have found their own Self in their partner, onto whom they project that Self made up of repressed fragments. But as the external person and the anima in the partner fail to develop congruently, the projections will eventually fail. An MLCer no longer finds his lost Self within his mate. Extended projections are not healthy; the goal is not to switch projection targets, but to integrate and individuate to eliminate the need for projecting.

I was talking with my wife's sister the other day, comparing my childhood with my wife's. She told me that it was no wonder my wife and I did so well for so long. We were both badly broken. I've wondered about this. I think we may have somehow completed each other. I wonder if the healing and integration I experienced when I went through my MLT caused my wife to feel that I no longer completed her and caused her to become confused and decide that she doesn't love me anymore. My only hope is that she will go through integration and will no longer need anyone to complete her but will decide that she wants to be with me, just as I don't need her to complete me but want to be with her.

[Songanddance]

To me, this IS changing. When you grow and/or evolve, you also change. You say it's not a new you, but the true you. Then where was the true you up until this time? Obviously the people who knew you best didn't see it, so it was buried somewhere. Would it have been better to have lived the rest of your life as the not True You?  Or are you a better person now?

I see where you are coming from OR but evolving is a gradual incremental process rather than change. Note I also said I am returning to the S&D I was before but my evolution is still small therefore the changes are imperceptible except in my head and heart in understanding about me.

My H accused me of being dismissive of others when we first met - he thought I was a bit too detached and self assured. So to "change" me I focussed on being softer and more malleable. Children changed me too. Time changed me but what I hadn't realised is that I was losing the real "true" me in accommodating the world and H. We are all constantly evolving and changing.   Now I have learned what true detachment is, I have learned that I was ok before and if I hadn't chosen to change to accommodate then perhaps I wouldn't have been so co-dependent on H.

Therefore that is why I use the word evolve. Mankind evolved over centuries - it was slow and yet constantly improving.  I believe that "change" in MLC context for some people is quite dramatic but for others it is a slow, steady and subtle shift in thought patterns and behaviours. You are still are true to the person you always have been but have put it on pause whilst you accommodate everything else. Therefore the MLC exposes the lack of evolution that the LBS has not had because they genuinely put it on pause and then in post BD shock think that they have to change too.  Focus on you means just that - it does not mean change. Some people don't need to change but the process of growing and evolving is inevitable.

[Searching4Answers]

RCR Wrote:

As a projection of his anima, the OW is indicative of the developmental level of his female within. The MLCer's anima has remained undeveloped or less developed while his spouse, the external female, has grown apart from the projection. When the couple met, something within the external person matched the anima/animus of the other. It is why some feel that they have found their own Self in their partner, onto whom they project that Self made up of repressed fragments. But as the external person and the anima in the partner fail to develop congruently, the projections will eventually fail. An MLCer no longer finds his lost Self within his mate. Extended projections are not healthy; the goal is not to switch projection targets, but to integrate and individuate to eliminate the need for projecting.

I was talking with my wife's sister the other day, comparing my childhood with my wife's. She told me that it was no wonder my wife and I did so well for so long. We were both badly broken. I've wondered about this. I think we may have somehow completed each other. I wonder if the healing and integration I experienced when I went through my MLT caused my wife to feel that I no longer completed her and caused her to become confused and decide that she doesn't love me anymore. My only hope is that she will go through integration and will no longer need anyone to complete her but will decide that she wants to be with me, just as I don't need her to complete me but want to be with her.

Thanks for this Brain it has been a long time since I have reread any of the articles and the one thatbyou quoted is a good one.

[AntiMatter]

Hi All
Im fairly new. Sounds like your transition was fairly smooth CG. Its good to hear that you felt a love for your husband and the life you had one day. Could you please tell us more about the feelings you had for your husband and your life during that year? My mlc wife is (was) the loveliest women on earth before she entered the tunnel. I am trying to meep head above water while she cycles.

I cannot find any stories of women returning so yours made me feel a little hope.

Thanks for sharing
Matter

[nah]

I cannot find any stories of women returning so yours made me feel a little hope.

One of my best friends left and divorced her husband for about 2 years.  That was about 20 years ago, they are remarried and very happy.  I often talk about them on my threads.

[Medusa]

I think we do slowly return to the people we once were--only a new, improved and much wiser version of that person. The key, I think is wiser: no matter what we've been through, we take our experiences and apply them in new ways.

[AntiMatter]

Thanks Nah
I have heard of a couple where the H went down the deep end of mlc. Divoeced and shacked up with trashy OW. Two years later he left OW and re-married his wife. They are now best friends and happier than ever.

The returning women seem few and far between. Could it be that the majority of lbs's om this forum are female? I should not look for statistics and trends yet i think it is normal to want to analyse our chances of success. I watched the movie "Home" yesterday with my D. It has an interesting message. It says its human to want to make something succeed even if the odds are against you and the chances of success are low.
 

[nah]

Could it be that the majority of lbs's om this forum are female? I should not look for statistics and trends yet i think it is normal to want to analyse our chances of success.

There are no real statistics, believe me I looked...lol

For the female returners, I think that female LBS's are more likely to talk about it so yes, you see more of us on the forum. 

In the beginning I thought the other way around b/c of the people I knew in my real life.  Not only my very good friend but one of my husband's boss's wife also left and came back.  My husband thought is was weird b/c his boss was very good looking and successful, plus just a plain awesome guy, he said, "why would he ever take her back?"  At the time, (way before any whisper of MLC) I said, maybe b/c he loves her, why else?