[OffRoad]

Can I ask the same question to the females on here what actually does a bloke need to do for you to feel needed as I thought I was doing all I could to make her feel needed and it didn't work although I still think from her behaviour one day she will realise I've been the only one who's really been there through everything she's been through when she needed someone.

I don't need to feel needed. I'm ALWAYS needed by someone.  I need to feel cherished and heard like my feelings and opinions matter. I need to feel safe, like my H is on my side and has my back. I need to feel like I'm the person he wants to be with, not that bimbo he's staring at over there.

Wanted? Yes. Like he wants to talk to me, wants to be with me, wants my company, wants to tell me about his day and desires. Needed? Not so much.

[OffRoad]

I needed some praise,appreciation and some thanks for the things I did for her on a daily basis and didn't think that should be to much to ask as I always showed my appreciation and thanked her for anything she did even down to thanking her for the children she brought into my life.
Instead I had to endure countless posts on fb stating how she had cleaned cooked hoovered etc but no mention of the fact that I helped with it all aswell as running a business and looking after all the kids two to three nights a week and taking on my stepchildren financially and emotionally for 15 yrs with never a mention of thanks while she got a degree at night school.
I am only just starting to get any thanks now 2 yrs after she left me and am now begging to feel more needed than I have in 15 yrs.
Some recognition for all the good I did would have made me feel needed.
My wife actually said at bd I don't need you anymore as I've now got everything I need in life eg job, degree money car basically everything that I had provided.

I agree with FM. We do these things because we love them and not because we get paid for it. We love them with all the nice and less nice things of marriage. With all the perfections and imperfections. It is not a fairytale. It is real live. A little appreciation makes me feel needed. Noticing the things I DO do and not just what I dont do.

To add to this, open communication makes me understand when I do things that are not appreciated. Waiting 10 years in silence and then saying "I don't love you any more" does not make me feel so appreciated.

Am

BBM: So here I am seeing that appreciation for what you do makes you feel needed. Just doing something doesn't make you feel needed; you need to know (get acknowledgement) that what you did was, in fact, valuable.

[patience.of.a.saint]

I had to ask mine for help if I wanted it...but to me, that felt like nagging...so I would just do whatever myself...and then he would act all like I didn't need him. I would've appreciated any help, had he offered, but on the other hand, I don't give out stars and lollipops for doing something like the garbage. I did not get that in return for clean undies and socks, nor did I expect it.

It seems to me that a man needs for you to notice their every move or they don't feel needed.

As for what I'd need to feel needed...is for a guy to say why he needs me. Tell me what I do that you love. I don't need a thank you for washing your socks each time I do it, but I would love it if I got a big hug from behind while I am standing there folding them and you to say thanks for always making sure you have clean socks. It's not at all about a thank you for each task...but more of a general thankfulness that you have me around.

[nah]

I was reading along, shaking my head in agreement but then, Wait...again we the LBSers are trying to figure out what we did wrong.

You missed my point. It's not that I am trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm trying to figure out what I might possibly need to do right in the future. It isn't only MLCers I hear say " I wasn't needed" but since I do hear that from MLCers, it struck me that I'd like to know what the definition is for a man.

And so far I have found it means different things to different people. At this time, I am trying to comprehend how spouse 1 thinking spouse 2 is admirable, respectable, super sexy, and their #1 person makes spouse #2 feel "needed". To me, that is fulfilling spouse #2's needs, not being needed. Are they one and the same for some people?

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. This has been so eye opening. I truly appreciate the feedback and hope for more.

This is a great thread, and a great question to average people.

A few weeks back, Stayed was talking about a couple who reconciled years ago.  She said the husband who left came back and appreciated the wife more, and the wife (the LBS) appreciated him less.  That was a good thing. 

That's what I'm saying, generally the people on this forum have been abused, betrayed, abandoned, humiliated, and we still reach out, we have so much capacity of forgiveness, the ability to love under the most difficult situations.  We couldn't possibly give anymore than we have been giving all along.  We didn't need to appreciate them more, we needed to appreciate ourselves more.

After husband left I jumped right into a new relationship.  My boyfriend lives with me in my house.  He cooks, cleans, takes me out all the time, buys me presents, the yard looks beautiful, he is out there all the time.  He buys me flowers every week.  I tell him everyday how great everything looks, how I love spending each day with him.

I use to gush over husband for bringing home a paycheck (which I also do but he made more money), I constantly told people how proud I was of husband, I made sure everything was perfect when he walked in the door.  Oh wait, not perfect, I forgot to leave the outside light on.  Do you realize when he went on and on about this, I actually made it a priority to make sure it was on?  Since that day, it always was left on.  My boyfriend and I now make the light a joke, uh-oh, you b!tch, you didn't leave the light on.   
 
All I'm saying is yes, it is very important to let the people you love know that you love and appreciate them.  What I'm worried about is the type of people on this forum (me being one of them) needs to appreciate themselves more, needs to make themselves a priority in their lives.  It's ok to let someone do something nice for us for a change.  It was one the first changes I made after he left.  I spent my entire adult life putting everyone else first, now it's time for me.

[hawk]

Thanks Tm . l see what you mean.

[Searching4Answers]

All I'm saying is yes, it is very important to let the people you love know that you love and appreciate them.  What I'm worried about is the type of people on this forum (me being one of them) needs to appreciate themselves more, needs to make themselves a priority in their lives.  It's ok to let someone do something nice for us for a change.  It was one the first changes I made after he left.  I spent my entire adult life putting everyone else first, now it's time for me.

I completely agree nah

This is not any easy thing to do though - I am getting better but it really requires me to be conscious of it. This was something I never learned growing up. I was always being of 'service' - mostly to my parents.

I have a very hard time allowing people to do things for me. I have a very hard time when some shows genuine concern for me - I think it comes down to not caring for myself like I should. Why would someone else care if I don't care I don't know how else to describe it.

I need to learn to make myself a priority!

[OffRoad]

All I'm saying is yes, it is very important to let the people you love know that you love and appreciate them.  What I'm worried about is the type of people on this forum (me being one of them) needs to appreciate themselves more, needs to make themselves a priority in their lives.  It's ok to let someone do something nice for us for a change.  It was one the first changes I made after he left.  I spent my entire adult life putting everyone else first, now it's time for me.

Nicely said and a very good point. This is likely one of the lessons I need to learn moving forward.