self love...YES. It IS self love and I matter.
I've had an important realization. I don't know where it will take me. I don't know exactly where I will end up. I have no anger. I can see how my h's midlife crisis set itself up. He is responsible, but not really to blame. I can see that he tried to fight it and stay, but lost the battle in the end. You can't fight your deep inner voice, you will eventually lose. You can only fight for so long.
Today, I see him fighting to hang on to us while maintaining his distance. He can't come back...he doesn't want to. He's dreamed of being free for so long. He has risked too much to get here. He has to see if this other life is the happiness he has longed for, for so long. But he loves and still wants his family. He doesn't want to lose us.
This is my realization.
I now see that my h has long carried feelings of regret for the loss of freedom in his early years...his youth. H loves his family, h loves me, but does NOT carry the same devotion to all of us that I do. To top it all off, he spent 35 years working in a mysogynistic office...an office of men demeaning their wives and complaining about the ball and chain life they lead. In those early years, he laughed at how ridiculous these older complainers were, how arrogant they were. It's kind of funny that he turned out just like them in the end. The regret for his sad life built over the later years, coworkers supporting his fantasy...feelings festering deep inside. "If only I hadn't gotten married, I would be so much happier".
Never mind that our life was filled with the best that anyone could hope for. We had money, a home, a summer home, enviable children who did not cause us a moment of grief, all now functioning adults with professional lives. Perhaps this is why he said he couldn't quite put his finger on his feelings. He really had nothing to complain about in regards to his family. Yet, the feelings still lurked deep inside, a quiet rebellion brewing, a plan of escape being prepared.
I think that I have felt it for many years. I chose to not believe it because this was not how I felt about being married, raising a family, living our life together. I am devoted to my family. I get pleasure from being with my family. I help my family as much as I can. This is not about me. If we wanted to talk about hardship and being undervalued, I could go on and on about me. But I don't see it this way. Hubby does though. He often told me "Don't be such a martyr, take the last piece of cake...to heck with the kids." Now I see that his urging for me to put myself ahead of family was really a longing to put himself first. He used to laugh about the advertisement, with hockey goalie Luc Roy, and his "it's not fair" routine. Well, now I see THAT in a different light. H has been crying "it's not fair" for years.
I think I'm on the right path. I've had lots of forks in the road, but I've chosen the right path forward for me. I need to do exactly what I have been doing...leave him alone and focus on making my own life the best it can be. I get to choose in the end. I get to choose forgiveness, or not. I get to choose the kind of life I truly want. He may be like others and discover that he's made a big mistake. Or, he may finally have found happiness by being alone. I see that he is about halfway or more towards the final destination. Like others have said so wisely, keep your expectations low...and I am. Who wants someone, who does not want you?
Recap of all the good advice I have learned from this forum and KEY advice for all who are struggling and have stumbled across this page:
Let him go
Focus on yourself, have faith in yourself
You matter, you have value
Keep your expectations low
Treat yourself with kindness
Let go of anger
Be grateful
Put one foot in front of the other until your step feel light again
These words mean more to me today than ever before.
Author
Topic: 
Leading the Way