[MsT]

The misery loves company thing sounds right. Like "how dare you be happy after ruining my life by painting the basement that awful blue?!?!?"
Mine seems to be doing the thing where his people aren't supporting his choices so he's looking for other people who will. That bugs me, but at the same time, knowing that his first-choice friends and family support our relationship and family instead of this dumbness makes me feel better.

[MIMIx]

I can totally understand that, MsT.  We also have some great friends, but H chooses to spend time with the friends that none of us like.  And, he is trying to stuff them down our throats,make us like them.  We all want to vomit when he begins talking about them and all the wonder things they do...gag me.

I think my h is getting impatient.  He isn't happy where he is living...again...
He cant live with me, can't live with his family, can't live with our kids, can't live with his friends.  What's next?  Perhaps, cant live with himself ?

[Searching4Answers]

I believe from what I have read, it's a combination of them projecting their own self-loathing onto us, combined with them being in a crisis that they do not know any way out of (often due to unresolved family of origin issues). Surely it must be an ugly, sad place to be.

Yep - this is the way that I see it.

[MIMIx]

It is likely his self loathing being projected my way. What I now ask myself is, do I want to keep allowing this betrayers behaviour to affect me in such negative ways? 

I've done some hard thinking and I'm seeing that my life is actually very good without my H.  Most times I'm happy living on my own.  I am gradually reconnecting with my inner spirit and feeling a lot of happiness as I move through my life from day to day.  There is a lot of freedom when you do not have to always be thinking of someone else's needs.  It's very hard to break free of what has become your perceived NORMAL in life. But it's worth taking a hard look at where you are and where you really should be.

So, I'm busy setting some goals for myself.  One goal is to stop thinking about what others want from me and start thinking about what I want from myself.  My other goal is pursue some interests that are long overdue.  I've actually done this by taking up new hobbies but I'm working on some new stuff. I have picked up some books that interest me and am setting aside one hour per day to take myself to another place and time through reading.  It's all very exciting.  I'm exploring things I probably would never have done without this crisis. 

Life is taking me in a new direction.  I'm picking up where I left off many, many years ago.  This crisis of my husband just may be turning out to be a GREAT thing for me.  I'm really starting to see it this way.  It's been a very, very hard process but I can see the light.  It's there for me.  It's up to me to chase it.

[OffRoad]

There are a few reasons I could see for the MLCer to be happy we were miserable:
1) As others have said, they hurt so bad, they want to know that other people hurt like that.
2) At that time, the narcissistic tendencies have taken over and they need for someone else to be down so they can feel up. They feel a "win".
3) They want to feel like they were missed. Like they really DID count for something because they feel like they count for nothing.
4) They feel like they still have a chance to come back if you were that miserable without them.

[MIMIx]

Agreed on a points, Offroad.  I saw it in person.  It was shocking but a big wake up for me.  He was so, so happy to hear that I had been so hurt and that my life has been really hard.  Never again Offroad...never again. 

So, H vanished for a couple of weeks...off helping his friends with a building project.  But, he's reappeared and has offered me his help here at the house.  For the first time ever, I turned down his offer , thanked him and said I hoped to see him at one of our family functions.  That's it.  It actually felt good to say it.  It wasn't nasty or anything, just a polite rejection.  No stomach butterflies, no regret. 

Omg ladies.  I just want to say that I love cutting the lawn!  I cannot wait to get home from work to cut the lawn.  It's a great stress buster after a day in the office and it looks so darn nice when it's all done.  im not a big fan of grass, but it looks nice when it's all trimmed.

I'm hoping that I can say I'm coming out the other side.  Being single no longer fills me with shame and fear.  I do things now without even thinking of my H.  And, thinking about him is a more comfortable feeling now.  It doesn't give me stomach upset like before.

I've read that WSs try to control things and I believe this is quite true.  I can feel my h's attempts to control me, the kids and his friends.   it can come across badly at times.  Yet, I understand that he is simply trying to get a grip on his spinning life.  So be it. 

[MIMIx]

I spent the day with hubby this past weekend.  He comes to all family celebrations.  He has no problem walking in and then walking out.  He doesn't contribute much...acts like an invited guest rather than family.   Really,  he has a lot of nerve.  Early on, shortly after BD, he told me that leaving  me took a lot of courage and he saw it as being a very brave thing.  Sure...coward.

So, at the party, I was able to have a good look  at him and his behaviour.  His behaviour is key .   What I saw was just more of the same...talking himself up, bragging about what he is doing, not interested or listening to anything others had to say. 

I'm feeling thankful that I don't have to live within this day and night.  Our kids have tried to accommodate him but are COMPLETELY exasperated.  It hurts knowing that your kids think their father is a jerk.  Sorry kids, your mom married a jerk and let him be your father.  It especially hurts because our kids are so smart, so capable in their lives, such great citizens.  And they have to see a pompous ass father drifting off with his friends, the party animal looking for freedom to act like a rebellious teenager. 

Surely we deserve more in our life than this.

I'm working hard to move myself along and out of this stupid drama.  Im actually not IN his drama any longer, But I'm still embarrassed by The things he does and this tells me I'm still feeling attachment.  I don't want to feel any reflection of him on me.

[OffRoad]

I sometimes think we need to lead the way by example. If the MLCer wants to be a jerk, we don't have to play. We don't have to accept their interpretation of events, we don't have to allow them to be disrespectful of us. The kids see this and respond in their own way, as we are leading the way for them as well, showing them by our actions how we allow people to treat us.

You can drop the rope now, MIMix. Everything your H does is on him. One of the things I learned is that my H's behavior has always been on him. I just took responsibility? justified? explained away? his behavior in the past. Not any more. Nor will I let his behavior dictate mine.

[MIMIx]

Offroad,

Good grief!  There's nothing more to say.  I'm speechless. 

Yes, I can drop the rope.  In fact, I can throw it.  Throw it as far as possible.

Leading, by example, is good.  I pretty much try to do this every day in my life. 

I think I will go and read my book about the Roman Republic.

 That's all.  Cya

[stayed]

Following along MiMix.  This is a wonderful discussion you are having here.  Loving it.  Watching all of you growing and accepting your part of this mess and only your part.  Leaving your spouses to own and wear their own mess.  So good to see. 

Looking forward to meeting you later this fall I hope.

Hugs Stayed