[hawk]

Your right Offroad. Really if anything, she had even more stresses than me and big health stuff going on to, then add me onto all that.
l really couldn't blame her, it was a perfect storm and she had given up. And she'd been thinking l was gone gone long ago.
l don't think she believed l was back and l wasn't gonna leave then.

l hoped that after a yr or so away, she might turn and see what l saw earlier, feel better, see our family, us, me, we were a great couple before it all went Sth.

[Thunder]

hawk,

I think you are looking at all this very honestly.  You saw your part in it and you aren't putting blame on her.
That's good!

Now all you can do is step back, keep improving yourself and pray she comes out of it.  You guys may have a good chance if she does.

[hawk]

Thanks for that Thunder
ln this odd kinda way l do feel like one of the lucky ones bc l at least do know and get what happened .
But , unfortunately nothing seems to have made any difference since and l pretty well consider it done these days , she still doesn't look like she'll ever change her mind .
Earlier on , around the 12-16mth mark for awhile l was sure she was swaying but then l got divorce papers and she pushed it so , guess not.

[Thunder]

HAWK,

There was a time when I thought mine was wavering too, but nope!  He went through with it.

I guess they just have to get rid of you to find out it wasn't you after all.   

[hopeforthebest]

Hello,

Please forgive me if this has already been discussed. I did a quick search for it and didn't see anything.

I am trying to detach emotionally from my dh and build a life for myself and my 4 children (12, 9, 6 and 2.5) that I am happy with regardless of whether or not dh returns.

I am wondering whether or not MLC can stem from unresolved childhood issues and if so, what I can do for my children so that they don't go through MLC and put their future spouse through what I have been through.

Many thanks. 

[OldPilot]

Love them unconditionally.

Check out Erichson's stages of learning and  insure that they make it through each step.

Let GO and Pray!


Edit - I also suggest you might start your own thread to get more support - OldPilot

[LearningIamOk]

HFB, all you can do is to model a survivor's attitude. Let them learn from watching you. OP is right, love them unconditionally. Let them know that no matter what, they are still loved.

I would put more effort into your own survival, than trying to derail a possible MLC. You can't control anyone other than yourself.

[Velika]

HFB I wonder this each and every day. This is also mentioned on my thread, but I read that children often "hide" traumas without language in the right side of the brain, where, unresolved, they later are more likely to be acted out than talked about.

To that end, I try hard to openly discuss what is going on with mine (S7). My IC encouraged me to validate his feelings so he doesn't feel like he needs to hide them; I also try to notice when he is angry and acting up and ask if it's related to his dad. I think it's really important that be be able to trust his observations and feel empowered so I don't pretend everything is okay and support him when he has gotten angry with his dad. I also have tried to offer perspective that children go through all sorts of things -- illness of parent, loss, even war and famine -- and that he isn't alone. I keep telling him it's possible to learn positive lessons from bad experiences.

I'm also trying to shower him with attention and love right now so that he doesn't feel abandoned by me, keep his routines, and remind him he is still the same little boy we love so much. Others may disagree but I told him his dad was in a crisis right now but wouldn't always be this way. I think I need to be very aware of "triggers" as he gets older and hopefully overwrite them if at all possible.

Since there has been so much MLC in my H's family I think I would also make him super aware of the symptoms leading up to a crisis, especially depression and anger.

I truly and genuinely hope my H has the last crisis of the family. I would love to other's tips and thoughts as this has been a constant preoccupation.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

A child will be ok as long as they are able to form a secure attachment with at least one adult. Usually that adult is one of the parents but it doesn't have to be. Not forming a secure attachment while young can lead to all sorts of problems in later life. I've read that the emptiness inside that a lot of us feel and try to fill with addictive substances and/or behaviors is actually caused by the emptiness of growing up without a secure attachment. Here's a pretty good article.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/secure-attachment/what-is-secure-attachment-and-bonding.htm

[Thunder]

Great article, MB.  Very useful.   

V,  you are doing a good job.  I love that you explain bad things happen but they can learn from them.
Also, I see nothing wrong with telling your kids is not himself right now.  He's not!
I think it takes some of the confusion and blame away from them.