[Singstein]

Sooo, I just posted in the Facebook group and didn't write anything here, because.. well, not much has happened since seeing him this saturday. I went to my fathers house, got settled, started working, sorting through my fathers stuff and I keep busy meeting friends. Actually one friend who is really lovesick, too, is staying here for a few days, which is really nice. She also is shocked about my H, because she always thought we are the perfect goal couple (like a lot of people did). I also had a new friend from the hospital staying for one night, reconnected with old friends from school and even with my first love, whose friends I always liked and he invited me for his birthday (he has a girlfriend, so it is just about friendship, which I really would like if that works). I was really lovesick 12 years ago when this relationship ended and today everything is fine, so I try to think that will be the same in the future for my husband, if he really leaves... So, all in all, I am doing pretty okay.
The only new thing I heard about me H is from a friend of mine. She talked to him on the phone four weeks ago, because she also is going through a crisis because of her job and thought she might be able to help him. She asked him if he was always happy in this relationship with me or if the crisis just brought up the things he didn't like. He said, he was always happy in our relationship. For me it is just weird that someone says this and at the same time thinks about divorcing! At least he doesn't seem to blame me for his problems, or not yet. And I know that he felt the same way in the last years, that he was happy with me.
Every ten days he sends me something like a picture of my plants or right now a picture of our calender so I don't miss an appointment on monday. I reply friendly and thank him, and he never replies back. I don't know that to make of this. He doesn't seem interested in conversation, but he also could just not send anything if he doesn't think about me or doesn't want any contact. He still didn't decide if he really wants to seperate or not; and he never brings that up. I am still paying half of the rent; my boss already told me I should stop that, but if I do, I put pressure on him and I am afraid of that.. I think I will give it two more months, but if he still hasn't decided anything by then I have to tell him I will move to my new city permenantly...
My 40th birthday is coming up in a month and I am kind of afraid I will be depressed having to celebrate it without father nor H, so I asked my former host brother in New York if I could visit him and his girlfriend, and he said, of course So I need to get my passport from the apartment, but this will be a nice birthday, I am excited about it.

[Singstein]

Sooo, now I want to tell the latest developments! My husband suddenly told me on thursday he wants to come see me on friday. I was shocked. I told him if he wants to separate, he doesn't have to take the train for 6 hours. He said he doesn't want to. So he came and stayed the whole weekend.
Basically; I was right with everything I thought. His therapist told him, he had depression and MLC!! And he totally understands that and accepts that. She also asked a lot about his childhood and he said he suddenly understands all of these issues affecting his whole life. He always felt controlled and like he had to make others happy, especially his mother, also his first girlfriend. He never thought about what HE wants or made decisions based on his preference. This will sure take a long time in therapy to sort this all out. But he said he thought about our relationship and how it always made him happy. I never controlled or pushed him, he could always be himself. He wants to sort out his other things (what kind of job, what makes him happy), but while being married to me. He cried a lot and constantly. I told him openly about my feelings, that I have trouble trusting him again, how I felt, how the time at the hospital turned out. He said he just didn't know that I was feeling so bad and he is so sorry. I said I need some time to process, but of course I want to make it work again. So he left yesterday and since then we are in constant contact, like we always were in the relationship.
It is so weird! It's like my old husband is back and the alien is gone. He talked openly and was his former self again. I am anxious he might change his mind again, but he seems pretty solid right now. It is such a small time frame! But he went to therapy every week and thought about everything every day, he says, so he didn't go out or distract himself. He was basically sitting in our apartment and thinking and crying nonstop. Crazy.

[Reinventing]

His therapist told him, he had depression and MLC!! And he totally understands that and accepts that

That's not something we see often here.

Glad to hear your good news. Keep us posted. The LBS has their own set of emotions to work through with their return. I think Evas had a similar situation to what you've experienced. You may look up her thread.

[Treasur]

As Reinventing said, it’s rare to see this. And I wish you both well.
However….
What we DO see here quite often is that these big breakthrough conversations and intentions don’t always turn out in an entirely straightforward way without ups and downs and that actions don’t always necessarily consistently follow words. It just seems to be an inherent part of the crisis rollercoaster. Plus tbh I suspect your own emotions are a full bag right now. After all, only a month or so ago, he was talking (perhaps with similar conviction) about a job abroad and ending your relationship so it is reasonable to wait and see what happens next, isn’t it?
So
I would encourage you strongly to follow your own current course and see what happens. Let him catch up and translate his words into actions if he chooses to. Keep your birthday trip plans as they are. Invest nothing big or life critical in a way that depends on your h doing x or y. Be very kind to yourself about how much stress and change you are dealing with right now quite aside from what is going on in your marriage. After all, it is only a few weeks ago that you were needing to be in hospital, right? Go slow and steady, keep the door open as you wish and see what happens. When in doubt, choose the choice that leaves you feeling calmer and stronger and prioritises what you need at least as much as what you think he needs or wants…..go slower to go quicker, if that makes sense?….bc crisis folks can be very self-focused and this is your life too.

[Singstein]

His therapist told him, he had depression and MLC!! And he totally understands that and accepts that

That's not something we see often here.

Glad to hear your good news. Keep us posted. The LBS has their own set of emotions to work through with their return. I think Evas had a similar situation to what you've experienced. You may look up her thread.

Thank you; I will look into that!!

[Singstein]

As Reinventing said, it’s rare to see this. And I wish you both well.
However….
What we DO see here quite often is that these big breakthrough conversations and intentions don’t always turn out in an entirely straightforward way without ups and downs and that actions don’t always necessarily consistently follow words. It just seems to be an inherent part of the crisis rollercoaster. Plus tbh I suspect your own emotions are a full bag right now. After all, only a month or so ago, he was talking (perhaps with similar conviction) about a job abroad and ending your relationship so it is reasonable to wait and see what happens next, isn’t it?
So
I would encourage you strongly to follow your own current course and see what happens. Let him catch up and translate his words into actions if he chooses to. Keep your birthday trip plans as they are. Invest nothing big or life critical in a way that depends on your h doing x or y. Be very kind to yourself about how much stress and change you are dealing with right now quite aside from what is going on in your marriage. After all, it is only a few weeks ago that you were needing to be in hospital, right? Go slow and steady, keep the door open as you wish and see what happens. When in doubt, choose the choice that leaves you feeling calmer and stronger and prioritises what you need at least as much as what you think he needs or wants…..go slower to go quicker, if that makes sense?….bc crisis folks can be very self-focused and this is your life too.

Yes; that is what I intend to do and he said he understands. I will keep all my plans and wait; I won't return to our apartment and city and he has to figure his other stuff out. I am willing to help him with job things if he wants help, but it is ultimately his inner conflict he has to come to terms with. I also told him if he decides to move abroad and live his dreams I understand; but I demand communication, even if it's a breakup. He told me he knows he should have talked to me two months earlier or more.
So, now I just take one day at a time and wait what comes up next. I am pretty happy with my life right now as it is and won't let myself be dependent on him again emotionally.
He reached out to our friends again, wants to meet up with them, which I think is good. He really didn't have contact with anyone for three weeks, just staying at the apartment, being in sick leave and doing nothing but crying and thinking; so this was the deep depression part he is hopefully leaving behind for now. The therapist said of course it can always come back.
I know a lot about his childhood; abuse, emotional abuse, pressure, and I always told him that might come up again later, although he thought he left it behind. Now he agrees with me about having to dive into this. It also affected us in the beginning. When he moved in with me he told his mother he has a german girlfriend and we live together without getting married in a mosque. She straight up told him he is not her son any longer and didn't contact him for a year. He said it didn't hurt him, but I don't believe this; he was still young (25) at the time and you never easily split up with your parents, even if you rationally know they are wrong. I think this topic is even more important than his job decisions. He described depression like being underwater all the time and he felt really lonely but at the same time didn't want to contact anyone because it was too exhausting. He just didn't understand that this is how depression is like, now he knows. We spent some time in the city going out for dinner and going to small shops and he was very happy and his usual self. He asked when he can visit me again; I said maybe in two weeks, I need some time. I think taking it slow and looking for signs he really is not cycling is good.
I am also impressed by his therapist, because my therapist said it can't be MLC so early in life. His therapist said, it is for sure and it is early, but this is possible and depends on the circumstances. He read about it and talked to me about it and feels relieved there is something he can put his finger on so to say. She did a good job on sorting out the different areas in his life with him. Must be a good one.

[One day at a time]

Hi Singstein

Nice to see your update but (and sorry for the downer) as the others have said, thread very carefully. During the early days, my xH also talked about MLC, how he was afraid of hurting me "while going through it", he loved me, he wanted to work things out, etc. He would have good days in which everything seemed normal and he would even do things (like fixing a lamp I loved and had been broken for a long time) "just to make me happy". After a few days, the dark cloud would descend again and we would be back to depression and MLC. At the time I didn't understand what was going on, I hadn't found this forum and didn't really know what MLC looked like. I understood everything looking back.

I read here before that some of them seem to be aware of what's happening early on and they make you feel like they are really trying... and then they blow up your life... at least that's how it happened to me... While all the "awareness" was going on and he was "trying to work things out", he had already met OW, was in contact with her on a regular basis and was planning a trip to see her. I only found out when he came back from his holiday with her.

Hopefully this won't be your case and your H is the exception to what we have seen here over and over.. but I would remain cautiously optimistic  for a good while. I wish you all the best

[Singstein]

Hi Singstein

Nice to see your update but (and sorry for the downer) as the others have said, thread very carefully. During the early days, my xH also talked about MLC, how he was afraid of hurting me "while going through it", he loved me, he wanted to work things out, etc. He would have good days in which everything seemed normal and he would even do things (like fixing a lamp I loved and had been broken for a long time) "just to make me happy". After a few days, the dark cloud would descend again and we would be back to depression and MLC. At the time I didn't understand what was going on, I hadn't found this forum and didn't really know what MLC looked like. I understood everything looking back.

I read here before that some of them seem to be aware of what's happening early on and they make you feel like they are really trying... and then they blow up your life... at least that's how it happened to me... While all the "awareness" was going on and he was "trying to work things out", he had already met OW, was in contact with her on a regular basis and was planning a trip to see her. I only found out when he came back from his holiday with her.

Hopefully this won't be your case and your H is the exception to what we have seen here over and over.. but I would remain cautiously optimistic  for a good while. I wish you all the best

Yes; I totally live with this possibility. Till now he is very consistent in his behavior. He also wants to join me and my friends on our vacation abroad in November to Asia (which was the plan earlier) and I won't stop him. If he drops out before that again, it's his loss of money..
With the help of my colleague he actually now found a therapist he doesn't have to pay himself, but who is paid via health insurance. The first meeting was really good; she told him he really should sort out his childhood issues, and they start next week. For comparison, in Germany you normally wait 3-6 months before finding a therapist that is paid by health insurance, so this is really lucky and he is very happy about it. He sends messages all day long like he did before and calls in the evenings, telling me all about his day and his feelings. I think right now he is really scared I might decide to end the marriage myself. He says he wants to see me all the time and plan things with me like we used to, but know he needs to give me time. We will see each other next weekend, when there is a dance class weekend in my city. I will see how that goes...
When he met our friends yesterday, it went really well for both sides and he was very happy to connect again after all this time. They are pretty understanding people and want us to work out, so they welcomed him back and told him they will be there for him. Kind of funny; when he suddenly wanted to separate, I spend so much time at their apartment and with them; they visited me at the hospital all the time, wrote me everyday. Now I am gone and they help him Life is strange. We owe this couple A LOT; they are so good friends and good people! And without judging or telling us what to do; they always just listened and never said "why don't you just XY" like a lot of other friends told me. They really have a great marriage; been together for I think 16 years and the way they treat each other with respect and love is always a good example for all other couples.