[heartbeat]

Buddy my friend, I have had a year of survival, but I have been arranging to see/talk to my friends regularly. I go to the gym, I’m sober, I’ve just started taking risks with my work. My moving situation is stressful but I’ve actively linked up with groups in both my old and new location. I have been sexually used and abandoned without turning that pain into aggression toward others… the last time I posted was six months ago. My current living situation is often unfair to me and with a little luck my move this month will pan out to greener pastures and I respectfully disagree with you, I am ready to meet new people and date. Nothing I do is coming with a sense of hurry but I can’t spend 100% of my time doing self work, as no one can, because I’m a human person deserving of connection and love. I am not going to spend any more of the youth I have left sequestering myself in search of a non-existent goal post when so much of my time is presently tied up in the survival aspects of life, I genuinely also need to be alive and connect to others lest I cement my c-ptsd in a state of solitude. Just because I haven’t given a play by play of my non-romantic social life does not mean it hasn’t existed. I often am the one who initiates plans because I have been forced into a state of constantly being self actualizing and often the more likely person to have follow through, and I do think I’m at a point where it’s fine to want someone to match my freak on that front.

My bliss would be my career popping fully off the cuff and making me loads of money. I am not easily bored and I’m never out of ideas, merely out of resources. It is my primary objective to break out of this. Being shuttered in a single room in a small house will hopefully change soon and I intend to ride that shift to make my work life better, but my work is done primarily in solitude and I’m well versed at having fun in a paper bag. So. Please don’t worry. The ex is blocked, the friends who helped me process it have been dished to, therapy is next week to clean the rest of it out and firetruck my ex forever. I’m not able to date until I move and I need more luck not getting screwed over in my next housing than I do at self acceptance or self preservation. If the adage that the right person will show up when I least expect it, they’ll materialize today… but such things are never true. We can’t find what we aren’t seeking.

[UrsaMajor]

If the adage that the right person will show up when I least expect it, they’ll materialize today… but such things are never true. We can’t find what we aren’t seeking.

Heartbeat, I am going to take this statement, especially the last sentence and put another spin on it.....

We (the LBS) often find what we are seeking... even if it isn't really there (Been there, done that, got the scars and no firetrucking T-Shirt).

Yes, we need to get our material ducks in a row, finances, living conditions, etc. before we can really concentrate on the niceties (see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) but even then, if we are desperately Seeking Susan, Susan will pop up in front of us in various forms because it is what we WANT to find. Human beings are masters of self-deception when we feel we are lacking or missing something. We ignore red flags, we see things that are not there or discard things that ARE there because it doesn't fit in the picture that we have designed for ourselves. We get sucked into the maelstrom of emotion because, hey to feel loved and cared for is better than any drug high one could have and it is SO intoxicating (sounds a bit like the MLC'er, doesn't it? "It just FEELZ so good.")

Just something to consider as you put yourself out on the market... You can afford to a) be critical and take off the rose-colored glasses, b) put your needs and desires and boundaries in first place. Imagine yourself as a puzzle piece - take the time you need to find the piece that REALLY matches you and not just try to hammer any old piece into place that looks like it might fit....

Like I said, been there, done that....

[MadLuv]

Great points by Ursa. Much like the MLCer and their new OW or OM. They are with people often not of the best caliber. They may very well think they are amazing, but they aren’t seeing anyone for who they are. I have not dated at all in the 4 years. I am under a firm belief that you need to heal and get to a content place on your own before you can be the best version of yourself and attract what you deserve. I am engaging in life again and doing things I enjoy. Meeting new people doing so and maybe I will by chance meet someone that way, but  I know that I am perfectly fine alone if this is where I land. There is a comfort in that and it takes a lot of pressure off trying to get to a place you think you should be or where you want to be. Just letting life unfold while you start to explore and engage in life in a new way.

[beyondblessed]

Great points by Ursa. Much like the MLCer and their new OW or OM. They are with people often not of the best caliber. They may very well think they are amazing, but they aren’t seeing anyone for who they are. I have not dated at all in the 4 years. I am under a firm belief that you need to heal and get to a content place on your own before you can be the best version of yourself and attract what you deserve. I am engaging in life again and doing things I enjoy. Meeting new people doing so and maybe I will by chance meet someone that way, but  I know that I am perfectly fine alone if this is where I land. There is a comfort in that and it takes a lot of pressure off trying to get to a place you think you should be or where you want to be. Just letting life unfold while you start to explore and
 engage in life in a new way.

Agree with you, ML.  When you are truly healed, you go from wanting to be chosen, to doing the choosing.  The question now, Heartbeat, is which position do you want to take?

[UrsaMajor]

Agree with you, ML.  When you are truly healed, you go from wanting to be chosen, to doing the choosing.  The question now, Heartbeat, is which position do you want to take?

Sorry and I know I have just earned a first class seat on the bus to Hades but..... Heartbeat, you don't wanna be the donkey



You deserve better and are worth more...

[OffRoad]

I will add my words to this. I often find what I am not seeking. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I had just broken up with a boyfriend and had the "I'll never find any one ever AGAIN." feeling for a while. Then I picked myself up and took myself out for the things I like to do, one of which was hiking and climbing large hills on trails. When you are happy, you are attractive (the general you). I'm coming off this 3 mile hike up and down a huge hill, dripping sweat, grimy, hair stringy, and this guy comes up to me and asks me if I'd be interested in going out with him. Nice looking guy, but I was not ready for even a coffee date and told him so. I was good with letting that one pass by. I had many other opportunities. But I'm good with or without others. You don't have to be looking for anything for people to turn up. Your only job at that point is to decide if you want to take that opportunity or not. Even now, I have had several opportunities (one while leaving a restaurant and I am old and broken!), I am just not ready and may never be. But even though I don't look for anything, it often appears in front of me. And that isn't just romantic people but jobs, friends, good people in general.

People on the "hunt" for another person can appear a little desperate. People who are just out and enjoying life show what they have to share. JMO as always.

[heartbeat]

I do deserve to heal from sexual trauma and I can’t do that alone.

In any case I keep getting told my bull$h!te radars are intensely well attuned and I hope it’s fine to say this but I deleted my dating profiles and turned down a couple people for dates. I intend to be at my best, but unfortunately I am one of those people who just wants love and romance and sex. I’m really good at all of them and if I am unable to practice my remarkable ability to channel Aphrodite-adjacent bull$h!te I do feel like some important piece of me is being wasted. I am, in essence, a big sap of a person in the body of a fairy, regardless of whether anyone is witnessing it.

Anyway I’m here and listening, but I promise, I am not rushing and I won’t do anything desperate. I am about to move to a place where I’ll be living alone for the first time ever. I’m spending a lot of time working on entrepreneurial stuff, I’m just tired of feeling like I’m dying inside and being touch starved and wondering if there’s something fundamentally wrong with me (there’s not, I just have trauma and probably undiagnosed neurodivergent stuff).

I’m exhausted and I have to sit through a massive trauma anniversary this week while packing up to move but I appreciate all the comments.

[MadLuv]

Heartbeat- your statement on dying inside tells you sooooo much about where you are. I felt that way for so long. Unpacking a life you imagined ending  is a trauma in itself. If you were also cheating on, lied to, manipulated, gaslighted  and  stolen from, well that is just so much to take on for a loving, loyal person. Everyone’s story is different, but what we all have in common is we were and are loyal and committed people that struggle because what was done to us we would never do to anyone else, but the person we trusted the most is heart breaking.

I can remember 4 years ago feeling so unbelievably devastated and scared of living my life alone. 4 years later it is not the life I imagined, but I am still alone and I really am at piece. Just remember that time truly does handle so much of our pain. Acceptance of where we are. Processing our pain and disappointments. What would be out of our character is getting involved with anyone when we aren’t settled with ourselves. No person can heal our hearts after heartbreak when we haven’t done all the painful work. There is no quick fix. Anything you can do to fake it until you make it is helpful.

My MLCer stole over a decade of my life. I had a really hard time accepting that and I am mad I lost so much of my life and then add the 4 years lost trying to recover from it.  It’s not fair. But…..once you accept that you can’t control what happened. You cant control the lost time. You cant control anything, but moving forward that is when things start to change. You accept where you are and start to try and see where you may go. Keep processing and journalling and you will find your way through.