[MadLuv]

Happy Birthday to you . My birthday is Monday and I will be 62, gulp!!!  My 33 anniversary would have been this weekend. My XH now OW/wife bday is 5 days after mine and they got married on the same month as our anniversary. It still messes with my head the cruelty of it all, even after feeling pretty detached and accepting. So just know it is all abnormally, normal. Enjoy whatever you love on your day.

[heartbeat]

This is all going badly.

I had a party that I went to the days before my birthday. Not a bad experience all in all but… too much. I don’t know. Met someone interested in me who i didn’t reciprocate with. Also, he was married. :| I don’t shy from open relationships but I don’t want to be a side order. It sent me into a very deep depression.

My meds aren’t working today. I’m texting between sets and crying in the gym. I have to work because I’m my own last defense. I have bills piling up and I don’t know how to get work. I’m so, so tired and I am so firetrucking lonely. I’m ready to grab whatever toxic person I can and start a relationship but quite honestly, I know no one wants me. I want to scream at my ex but I won’t. I want anyone to care but they can’t. I just want to feel okay and it’s never going to be okay again.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Met someone interested in me who i didn’t reciprocate with. Also, he was married. :| I don’t shy from open relationships but I don’t want to be a side order. It sent me into a very deep depression.

Why be depressed. You now know that others are interested in you. Yes, he wasn't the right person, but he was interested. There will be others.

I’m ready to grab whatever toxic person I can and start a relationship but quite honestly, I know no one wants me.

That's not building yourself up. Settling for anyone is devaluing the wonderful person that you are. Your h made a mistake and blew up his life. His choice and his loss. His choice doesn't devalue you. His choice had little to do with you.

Please don't slip into a feeling of hopelessness. You are at the gym and that is a good thing. You already met someone who was interested, but just not the right person. However, there are others and when you love yourself and believe in yourself, you will find the right person. Right now, the right person you need to find is yourself.

Keep going to the gym, cry-nothing wrong with that, and find moments of bliss. That one moment where you feel calm and content. Then reflect what put in the moment of bliss. How to recreate that moment several times each day.

Do at least one thing that builds you up this weekend and post what you did. Write down three positive things about yourself and post them on the forum. Let's flip the switch to create a strong person that wants to meet the right person when you are ready.

(((Ready)))

[Songanddance]

Met someone interested in me who i didn’t reciprocate with. Also, he was married.

Good for you - big red flag there and you chose to avoid it!

I just want to feel okay and it’s never going to be okay again.

YOU WILL and IT IS!
YOU WILL and IT IS!
YOU WILL and IT IS!

Right now you don't feel ok but that doesn't mean you won't. 

When I went to my T 5 months after BD she asked me what I wanted.  I said " I just want to be ok"
Her next question was " On a scale of 1 -10 what would be ok?"
My reply "7"

She asked " Where are you now? As you sit here, breathing and talking - where are you now?"

I replied "3".

"Then that is where we start from"

8 months later - the same questions...

"On a scale of 1 -10 what would be ok"

"8"  (yes I upped the ante)

"Right now - as you sit here, talking, breathing and sharing - where are you? "

Without thinking or hesitation  I said "7".

She said "Wasn't that your original target?"   I said yes but I was now aware that I could be more than ok.  And one day, one week one month at a time I reached much more than OK.

Your struggle with yourself and your feelings are NORMAL and will take time - I repeat NORMAL and TAKE TIME.

Having a relationship with anyone right now could be a very unhealthy move for you. 

I'm not saying you won't meet someone and that you have to be fully healed before you start another R but a broken person will only attract another broken person and that R is broken from the start. 

And you're right too - no one will want a broken person.  Becoming "unbroken" is hard work, it hurts and it is a very lonely path.  You can do it - IT TAKES TIME.

Try this 5 minute rule...... Every time you feel that you want to vent, cry, scream - do so for exactly 5 minutes - put an alarm on and at the end of 5 mins stop! 
Take 5 deep breaths and say out loud " I can't change what has happened to me, I can only change what I do now!"

You may have to do this several times a day in the first instance - that's perfectly ok.

Read Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. His is an amzing story where he has faced death quite literally twice; He had to rebuild himself physically and emotionally each time.  His mindset, attitude and advice is amazing and there is also a film called Miracle Morning which is his life story.

You are not alone - we are here.  If you listen to us , vent to us we get it!  We may be cyber connections but there is nothing like the range of experiences and advice on here to help you pull yourself through the quagmire that you are stuck in.

[Biscuit]

SandD and Ready have given you some great advice here Heartbeat.

We have all been where you are right now (maybe not geographically, maybe not the exact same set of circumstances, maybe not the same age) but we have all been there - we know how devastatingly hopeless it can feel.... but do you know what - we've all been there, and we're all still alive and well,  -many of us thriving in new relationships, a few back with their spouses in improved relationships - and a few on our own. But we all made it through this absolute firetrucking $h!testorm - and so will you - despite what you're feeling right now.

Much love - we've got you - B x

[heartbeat]

I don’t know where to be or what to do. Seven months into a year long rental and slowly losing money the whole while as I tried to stabilize and my housing got yanked. I have two cats. He left me with them after adopting them. It’s happened in the same year.

I just want to kill my self.

[MadLuv]

Heartbeat- I know that space and I walked myself iinto the nearest pop up  small emergency care. I went to the receptionist and said. I want to kill myself. I need help. An hour later after much talk I left. It was a turning point for me. To realize I had to stop focusing on what I didnt have and what I needed to do. Your in a horrible place, but you can make it out. If you financially need assistance go to a church. Even if you are not attending one.  If they cant help they will direct you. It may feel humiliating, but its not. We all need help. Mentally and financially at some point in life. There is help and once you feel that help  it will start giving you hope for your future. Your going to male it through this. You will!!

[Treasur]

I don’t know where to be or what to do. Seven months into a year long rental and slowly losing money the whole while as I tried to stabilize and my housing got yanked. I have two cats. He left me with them after adopting them. It’s happened in the same year.

I just want to kill my self.

Please don’t….you matter in ways you may not even understand. Like an ant in a colony you are part of a whole. Ask for help - friends or even strangers who are not friends yet as MadLuv suggested. It’s ok to need help from the whole to get you through this patch until it passes. And it will pass if you are around long enough to see it bc that’s how life works.

Please turn left towards another path, my friend.

[Rollercoasterider]

Heartbeat,

I am so sorry. Honestly reading your words here and just skimming your previous posts I wish I could just give you a hug--the real kind, not a cyber hug.
First: are you seeing a therapist now--someone that you can call on an emergency basis?
Is there a suicide hotline in your area you can call?

Since I've only skimmed... You left the Netherlands to live with your partner in his homeland of South Africa and are now still in South Africa--is that correct? But it doesn't sound to me like you're really comfortable where you are. You've got your kitties, but you're struggling to make ends meet, struggling for food and it sounds as though you don't have a good social family to support you.
Also--and I really don't know--does South Africa have the sort of mental health facilities you need for your OCD and Depression? Has your OCD been worse since Bomb Drop? You seem extremely anxious--not just now, but throughout your posts. Where do you have the most friends? Even as an introvert you can have actual friends that aren't behind a screen!
Ice cream can be a friend (though is it vegan since it contains dairy?), but those delicious calories are going to add up! What else can you do?
When you've had anxiety attacks that you've resolved in the past, how did do it? Think back to your successes for what you can take from them and apply to your current situation. Think hard to recreate as many pieces of your success. This isn't a rhetorical question, so let us know how it goes and how you're doing.

HUGS,
RCR

[Treasur]

I think they are in the Netherlands right now? Not sure what heartbeat’s home country is or, even more important, what feels like a safe base to them. Still, regardless, all of the questions you raise hold true.

Keep talking to us, heartbeat. I know we might feel like just words on a screen but we are real people and we care about you.