[B]

Just wanting to reach out to anyone out there with a vanisher!  My H would almost certainly fall into this category but I have to see him at work.  However it's all very professional at work and absolutely NC outside of that time.

I read posts here and see most people deal with boomerangs and the clinging boomerangs.  He wants a D like yesterday as he's moved in with OW2 and her two kids.

Anyone else have similar experience?  I know NOTHING is normal on the MLC crazy train but I'm interested in how others "manage" their situations.

Thanks guys, much love.

B x

[justasking]

Bootyfull

I don't have a vanisher but you may find this thread interesting and helpful

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0

xx

[Anjae]

I have been having a vanisher for over 4 years. Lately I’ve had several talks with him because I want to sort the divorce mess out. He has been living with OW2 for many years and leads a public life.

Is there anything in particular that you would like to know?

[Ready2Transform]

Mine has cycled through almost every contact type (live-in to clinger to boomerang to off-and-on) and has been out of contact other than court papers for almost 2 months now, so it's probably official - he's now a vanisher.   He will not stay that way, though.  He has already tried to keep a touch point through other means, so I think he's just deeper in the tunnel, feeling out life without me.  It's not pretty, but it's also a nice break that has restored my power.  Thank you for posting that thread, Anne, I'm gonna dig into it too!

[B]

I have been having a vanisher for over 4 years. Lately I’ve had several talks with him because I want to sort the divorce mess out. He has been living with OW2 for many years and leads a public life.

Is there anything in particular that you would like to know?

Thanks for the other thread it was really interesting.  I suppose what I am wondering is if he is ever likely to change to a boomerang.  I have read in the resources they usually stay one way or another.  I also think he gets any "fix" he may need of seeing me, however subconscious, by working with me.  Something he said to me post BD1 keeps ringing in my ears, because he said "I could never imagine or see my life without you in it". 

Yet I know their words during MLC are pretty worthless.  I am getting scared that I am becoming used to him being gone.  I have a lot of freedom to have fun and grow, and this makes me fear the future.  My friends and family can gradually see the "old" me returning.  Most of my family and friends think he is a loser and unworthy of my love and continued faithfulness.  I don't volunteer my "stand" to anyone unless they directly ask me, because I won't lie. 

So I guess another question is does anyone have a vanisher that started to peek out of the tunnel?  And if so did you experience that sense of being unsettled?  He isn't doing that but as life gets more stable I can see it must mess with your head. 

[Anjae]

Mine went from clingy-boomerang, to boomerang, to vanisher. I don’t know if it is possible for them to do it the other way around but maybe. The changes in contact type of mine where not only because of his crisis but circumstances. He was a clingy-boomerang for all the time I remained in our flat, than a boomerang for the time we worked for the same company but in different cities. When my local branch closed I started to withdraw, he made OW2 public and run for divorce court. In a way we had nothing more to talk about regularly.

But I know where my works, can call him if any emergency happens and I still tell him when someone passes away in my family. He always send his sentiments. I don’t think mine is a real vanisher. If I had stayed were we lived he would still be coming around. Circumstances made him a vanisher, that coupled with the deepening of the crisis took him further and further way.

Mine is still in the tunnel but mine, if he wants, has ways of getting in touch with me and excuses he can use. And he knows it. Or if he does not consciously know it, his unconscious know it.

In reality they cannot imagine their lives without us. Mine said that he only had now (and that was over 6 years ago) to do this = clubbing and go out and about living a wild life.

I’m glad that you are getting used to have him gone, have a lot of freedom, are having fun and growing. I’ve been where you are. It means you are moving on. Also, I think we can only have them back when we get to a point when we no longer care. Don’t worry, the journey is long for both, MLCer and LBS, and has many bumps.

[B]

Thanks Anne, I appreciate you sharing.  I know I am in a good place but this is all so maddening and confusing!  I guess I really resent being in this place, it is so far from how I imagined my life would be.  My situation makes me SO grateful for all the love and caring and compassion I have been shown.  I know I am not alone and I just don't talk about my "dreams". 

I do want to move on, (detaching, not ceasing my stand) but when I have a bit of fun or realise I have spent an hour without thinking of him, it feels so alien and scary.  I think you are right about only being able to have them back when we no longer care.  I have heard of people still standing post divorce but I can't honestly say I'd be able to do that. 

Baby steps I guess.

[Mermaid]

Have you read Voyager's thread? Her (ex) H is a vanisher, but she still has to work with him (as painful as it is).

[B]

Hey Mermaid,

No I haven't but thanks for the heads up I will look at that. 

B