[StillStanding]

[StillStanding]

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2013/03/without-forgiveness/

Without Forgiveness

There are no healthy relationships without forgiveness. From time to time all of us do and say things that hurt those we love. Such behavior calls for an apology—and apologies call for forgiveness. Now, let’s be honest, forgiveness does not come easily. The husband who gambles away the money they had saved for a new car cannot expect his wife to be happy. Nor should she expect herself to simply accept his behavior and move on. [Emphasis mine] No, forgiveness is the response to genuine repentance. God does not forgive us our sins when we refuse to repent. Nor, can we do this on the human level. But when there is genuine repentance, than you must extend genuine forgiveness. Forgiveness brings healing and hope for a better future.

[StillStanding]

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2013/03/forgiveness-does-not-heal-everything/

Forgiveness Does Not Heal Everything
March 14, 2013

We often have the mistaken idea that forgiveness will heal everything. Let me share three things that forgiveness does not do.
(1) Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrong doing. The father who abandons his children may repent ten years later, but forgiveness does not restore the ten years of void.
(2) Forgiveness does not immediately restore trust. Once trust is violated, it must be rebuilt by the person being trustworthy. If that happens, then over time trust will be restored.
(3) Forgiveness does not remove the offense from one’s memory. It does mean that you choose not to hold the offense against them.

[StillStanding]

Received from Michele Weiner-Davis's Divorce Busting mailing list:

Don't Ask, Don't Tell
April 25, 2013

Hi, 

Your marriage is on the rocks. Your husband is emotionally unavailable and you strongly suspect he is having an affair. Your wife never wants to have sex.  You are so miserable about your home life, you can't even concentrate at work. You're so desperate divorce starts looking like a reasonable option. But you're just not sure what to do.

You look for support.

So, you turn to your friends and family for a shoulder to lean on. You tell them about the problems in your marriage and how your spouse just doesn't understand you or your needs.
 
You share the many ways in which your spouse is selfish, insensitive, deceitful, and controlling and how he or she is completely unwilling to change. Support and empathy is what you're after and you talk about your predicament to any friend or family member with a sympathetic ear.
 
The advice you get feels right, "I can't believe your husband treats you that way. You shouldn't put up with it," or "Your wife doesn't deserve you. You are so good to her and she is so self-absorbed." Vindicated and bolstered, you leave these conversations feeling better. You're right, your spouse is wrong. And that's all good.
 
More of the same.

Weeks turn into months or years and nothing changes in your marriage. With each passing day, you grow increasingly unhappy. Now, your marital beefs become your daily mantra; you've looped your loved ones in on the on-going saga of a marriage gone wrong.
 
Soon, they start wondering, "What did that jerk do to you today,?" Eventually, you're being urged to cut your losses and get out of your marriage. Your friends and family can't stand to see you hurt any longer. They want you to get on with your life. "Enough is enough," they say, and start offering suggestions about divorce attorneys.
 
And as you're about to see, while it may feel comforting to know that there are people who love, support and understand you, relying on family and friends in this way can easily backfire, because:
 
YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE.

If your spouse starts being kinder, more considerate, loving, involved, sexier, communicative...and so on, you're encouraged and can't wait to share your good news with your inner circle. But when you do, lo and behold, they're not impressed.
 
They're not happy; far from it.

They're skeptical or filled with contempt. They tell you "Can't you see that he's just trying to manipulate you?" "She's on her best behavior, but it won't last." "Once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar." "You've been wanting to get out of your marriage and now you are being brainwashed to stay."
 
They're frustrated and angry because you've leaned on them and basked in their emotional support, and now, you want to stay married and work things out!! It's simply unacceptable.
 
So, you try to explain that things different now are.

You give examples of all the thoughtful things your spouse is doing to show s/he cares. But they won't budge. You just don't understand why they're so stubbornly clinging to their negative views of your mate.
 
Why aren't they happy for you that your marriage has turned a corner?
 
Why don't they see the changes in your spouse? And if they really loved you, regardless of what they think about your spouse, shouldn't they just want you to be happy- even if they don't agree with your decisions?

A story from my office.

Last week in my practice I was deeply saddened by a situation much like the ones I have described above. A couple from New Hampshire, married for 10 years with three young children sought my help. The wife has been desperately unhappy because her husband, a workaholic, has been emotionally distant, uninvolved with the children, critical and demeaning.
 
Because of her unhappiness, she spent extended periods of time with her parents and siblings who live out of state. Her husband felt neglected, lonely and unappreciated. Rather than discuss their feelings openly and honestly, they argued and retreated to separate quarters. Their relationship, rather than intimate partners, seemed more like toddlers engaging in parallel play.
 
To satisfy a deep void from within, the husband turned to sex outside the marriage - lots of it.
 
He found himself in a web of sexually compulsive behavior.  His wife, though emotionally detached, sensed something was not right and began sleuth work to entrap him. She solicited help from computer-savvy relatives and within a short period of time, got all the information she needed to make a decision about her marriage.
 
She wanted out.

Her siblings cheered her on and the once adored husband, brother and son-in-law got slapped with the scarlet letter and was ostracized from a family he dearly loves.  The wife sought legal advice and announced her intentions to divorce her husband.
 
He was crushed and begged her to come for a two-day intensive with me. As is often the case with these challenging intensive sessions, this couple decided to tackle the issues that led them astray and recommit to working on their marriage rather than to divorce.
 
They worked diligently to understand their current patterns and triggers, and creatively designed ways to replace them with positive, action oriented interventions.  We worked on marital goal setting, rules for conversation, and frank and open discussion about intimacy and sex. For two days, we laughed and cried together.
 
Though well aware that the road to recovery would be fraught with challenges and much hard work, nonetheless, a feeling of optimism was tangible in my office.
 
Until they got home, that is.

Upon hearing the news of possible reconciliation, this woman's family was livid, outraged. Her brothers and sisters have vacillated between refusing to talk to her and non-stop harassing telephone calls.
 
As weeks passed, in spite of the impressive, heartfelt, and profoundly life-transforming work these two individuals have been doing on themselves and their marriage, her family hasn't been swayed. As if her dealing with complicated and painful marital issues and the detailed disclosure about his sexually compulsive behavior weren't enough.
 
Now, this.
 
Although I'm hopeful her family will eventually come around, my heart hurt for them when, through their tears, they told me about her family's reaction to her decision to try to work things out. But I was not surprised. I've seen this dynamic many times.
 
Knowing how enmeshed she was with her family, I warned them both that they would encounter fierce resistance.  Predicting the inevitable is helpful to my clients but countering the force of family gravity takes a lot of energy and stamina.
 
So, here's some advice.

If you are someone considering divorce, it's reasonable to assume that you will want to discuss your situation with people closest to you - good friends and relatives.
 
Understand that when you do, they will naturally take your side.
 
The more information you share about your spouse's "wrongdoings," the more your friends and family will object to his or her presence in your life.
 
If you sense that your loved ones are becoming biased, it's wise to limit complaints about your marriage and consult with a professional instead. (Make sure you find a marriage-friendly professional.)
 
Don't expect your family to be able to readily switch gears about your spouse's potential to change just because you have. They may just need more time.
 
And whatever you do, while they catch up to you, don't allow their pessimism to thwart your marriage-saving plans.

[StillStanding]

Allie Brosh, the woman behind the blog Hyperbole and a Half, stopped posting on her blog for almost a year and a half because she was battling a severe case of depression.

The posts are too long to summarize and use her artwork to tell the story, but it provides a look into what depression feels like. People who may be triggered by descriptions of depression should probably avoid reading these; I have no idea if she was going through a midlife crisis but I'm sure our MLCers would probably report feelings similar to what Allie describes.

Her last post of 2011 is here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

Her next post (yesterday) is here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/pre-post-transition-post.html

And her first big post of 2013 is here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

[Mitzpah]

Stillstanding,

Thanks for posting this link. Very, very good (perhaps not the right word, but the best I could come up with).

[StillStanding]

Stillstanding,

Thanks for posting this link. Very, very good (perhaps not the right word, but the best I could come up with).

I suspect the description of your feelings being turned off is very accurate; I've heard depression described as being like your feelings are just…less. You're not happy, but you're not sad. You just don't feel anything as strongly as you used to.

This would explain why it seems to be easy for MLCers to walk away from their family and friends, and why affairs (especially affair downs) don't turn into stable relationships.

I also liked her description of how her depression just started one day. It wasn't brought on by some specific event. And I wonder if her description of her feelings turning back on, one at a time, is similar to the Reintegration that RCR describes, when the MLCer is pulling themselves back together.

New thread

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3626.0