[bookwrmmom]

Thanks foreshadows FTT! I am working on forgiveness for myself and my future. I don't want to take any of this toxic mess into my future, whether that is with my h or a new R forgiveness is for ME!

[Thunder]

After the initial shock wore off, I felt revengeful.  Then I started reading all I could about MLC and realized my X did not deliberately set out to hurt me.  He didn't choose to feel empty and miserable.
It's just something he couldn't seem to control.  He desperately wanted to feel "happy" again and thought our marriage was the problem.  It wasn't, but he convinced himself it was.
He's no happier being single.

So I guess I can't forgive him because I never really blamed him.

I knew him for almost 30 years and I know what kind of man he was all those years.  He just lost himself.  I hope some day he can figure out what we had was good.

[UKStander]

Hi Thunder

I'm in very much the same sort of place.  I find it hard to blame the MLC-er people for his pain and suffering, although I know that putting up a screen of anger is very helpful for moving on. 

[LisaLives]

I like this one better... 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201405/forgiveness-after-betrayal

Read everything Stosny writes--he's a god...

[OldPilot]

Read everything Stosny writes--he's a god...

Absolutely AGREE!

I read this book by him

"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"

It was very good!

[Learning strength]

So glad I read this. I never understand that forgiveness DOES NOT mean you condone or forgot what the offender did! I never knew the offender didn't have to know that I forgive...it just means I accept what is done to move on! I never realized forgiveness was for me!
I needed to read this!!

[Songanddance]

It bears repeating: forgiveness - in its implicit and explicit forms - is not about condoning bad behavior or letting someone off the hook for it. It’s about taking control of your emotional well being.

Absolutely.  Check out wwwsavethemarriageblog.com  Dr Lee Baucom has a couple of brilliant podcasts on forgiveness. He says exactly the same as this article.

Perhaps that's why I don't feel anger anymore, perhaps that's why I have no desire to discuss the R with H, perhaps that's why I think that my life is for me. 
I agree - forgiveness isn't a conscious act - it's a process and I have no idea if I have begun that process with my detachment or whether I have just detached and have some more emotional processing to do as part of the detachment.
All I know is that I am ok and that's all that matters at the mo.

[Moving Forward]

There is a book called Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope
By Robert D. Enright, PhD - it is a must read in my view and helped me understand what forgiveness is and how to forgive - it really was the best gift I have ever given to myself.

[dragonfly]

I just finished the book  by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho "The book of forgiving: the fourfold path to heal ourselves and heal the world". Wow, such powerful words and a practical guide to follow. Every chapter ends with a poem or meditation. So Beautiful.

Early in my journey I was guided in powerful ways on the path to forgiveness. No, didn't manage in 30 days and I think it is an ongoing process. I am convinced it is a vital step in healing.

If you want, and I encourage you all, you can join the forgiveness journey. One way is to sign up (for free) to participate in the Tutu Global Forgiveness challenge, which is a 30-day online programme to learn the practical steps to forgiveness  http://forgivenesschallenge.com/   More information on the book can be found on this site as well.

"With each act of forgiveness, whether small or great, we move toward wholeness.”
Desmond & Mpho Tutu, The Book of Forgiving

[xyzcf]

Thanks for sending this link. We all have things in our lives that we could forgive. I shall check it out.