I forgot to mention that in MLC affair, the "exposure" that is the beginning of the end is the exposure to the LBS.... especially if there has been gaslighting. Once the MLC affair is out in the open between the married couple, OW/OM now thinks they have got what they wanted as they think the LBS will now throw the cheater out and they will have to run to them.
When the LBS does NOT throw their adulterous spouse out, it tosses a wrench into OW/OM fantasy plans and creates doubt in them that the marriage was "over" as the cheater has probably told them. Secondly, the cheating spouse can't believe they haven't been thrown out and they wonder why not as they have been demonizing you and now you are showing mercy and grace. That creates confusion and now THEY have to make a decision whether to leave or not.
Will someone refresh my memory on what 'gaslighting' is?
I was reading LG's quote here, and it triggered my own memories of that time.
Just as I"ve described a few times; as my husband was different; he wanted something different, and ended up with his OW. He was drawn to her at first because of her ways that so reminded him of his mother.
She was the direct opposite of me; surprisingly he didn't treat her any different, emotionally, than he had treated me...they used each other; she made him feel "special"; but because of where he was within the crisis; he would NOT allow me to meet his needs that were ever changing within the tunnel.
I had become the enemy, the one who was "dependent" on him, supposedly "using" him for his money(yeah, like he had any to use, LOL); yet, on the other hand, he'd convinced himself that I didn't need him at all...and the list of my failings went on; at least within his mind.
From what I understood, as my husband went into his awakening; he looked at the whole situation, and one of the first things he saw was that he didn't love OW, he loved ME...but, then he had to figure out how to fix this, and get rid of her.
So, first he went totally clean with OW, telling her he was married; she hadn't known this before; he'd figured that once he told her that, she'd dump him like a hot potato.
It didn't happen.
Though he told her to leave me alone; she engaged in pursuing behaviors, going as far as to get our home phone number; which was listed; and start blowing up the phone at home.
I think she figured if she could get ahold of me, and tell me what was going on, I would dump my husband, throwing him out so she could have him. I was already several steps ahead of her, having been warned by the Lord that she was the one who was blowing up the phone, and I was NOT to answer; it would increase the hurt I was already feeling.
The first physical signs of the affair had already dropped; she had already tricked him into sex with her; and was still pestering him. Out of guilt, he bought her a present...that didn't work; she still wouldn't leave him alone, and he had sex with her two more times.
She figured after having lured him into her bed twice more, she'd won; that was when her 'true colors' showed themselves to him.
He was already on edge; I was one side; in full discovery, mad as a wet hen; she was on the other side pressuring him in other ways. Yet, it was me he wanted to come back to; he told her he was going back to try and work on his marriage; it made her angry; and when she said something out of the way; (I think she called me some unsavory names), that was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' for him.
He told her to not ever call him again; and made the break.....he still had a long way to go to get totally free of her as she still resided in his head and heart; this was the starting of OW Withdrawal for him.
A situation must be created that makes the MLC'er want to leave the OW/OM for good..things must be SO unsatisfactory that it causes the MLC'er to become emotionally ready to end the affair.
My own exposure to him through discovery nearly backfired on me. Although I didn't expose him to anyone that cared to know; I confronted HIM, and that was pretty bad; it caused him to go deeper within the confusion he was already experiencing; and his spewing, which was already bad, became much worse. I was instructed to back away and allow him to finish this as he was trying to end it.
I can see with a clarity that was new to me a few days ago, that I very nearly caused him to walk away at that point...and it is true; had I pushed him too much farther; I would have lost him for good; and the opposite side of the outcome would have played out...and it would have been ALL my fault for pushing him so hard.
That has been the biggest reason I have counseled patience when a MLC'er is trying to end an affair in the first go around, before 'cake eating' starts up. I know from experience that too much pressure from the LBS CAN cause a walk away, and all is lost.
Exposing the MLC'er affair doesn't do that much good if the MLC'er is bound and determined to continue to keep the affair; there are only certain times this might work; and 'cake eating'(where the MLC spouse is confused and bouncing between the OW and LBS) is one of those times....and your intuition is your best guide of any other times that may come about.
Otherwise; you have to let go, let God work within the situation, praying the "Hedge of Thorns Prayer" for the wayward/MLC spouse..asking for His Will to be done.
I do know this much; the awakening is marked by a deepening of confusion; and there may be and can be decisions that are made at that point in regards to the marriage and the LBS at that time.
The MLC'er does not see themselves as married, true; but somewhere in their heart of hearts, they KNOW the LBS means something to them; there's still a connection there...and they are still drawn BACK to the LBS, in spite of their messed up thinking, the feelings that are buried, and the connection they are fighting.
At one point in time, my husband tried his best to rid himself of our connection, and tried to get me OUT of his head and his heart...but it failed; the love he held for me was still there, although buried at that time...and I don't think he will ever be able to "purge" himself of these feelings that came back with a vengeance later on in the crisis.
I was told by someone during that time that "first loves never die"; and it was unlikely that he would ever be able to love another...I was "The One"; which means I'm the true love of his life..and no one will ever replace me in that respect.
And it is true of many marriages that go through the MLC Trial of Fire. And if the LBS is willing to follow the direction of the Lord, grow and change throughout, and TRUST in Him for the ultimate outcome, chances are, they will make it through WITH the MLC'er.
Now, conversely; God may lead the LBS OUT of the marriage when adultery is committed; as I don't profess to truly know the mind of God, I only know that He has done this before in other marriages for whatever reason...only God and the LBS involved would, know why this would be necessary; it could be for several reasons, such as physical abuse; or the MLC'er becomes a philanderer,(multiple cheater).
Rest assured, God has our best interests at heart, and if He leads a LBS out of the marriage, it is for a good reason; God takes care of His own...and for every door He allows to close, another will open with something better.
The LBS who is led out of the marriage by the Lord, must still trust in Him, and take the journey toward wholeness and healing; learning all the same lessons..and when the time is right, He will send another to the LBS, depending upon His Will; and what He has in mind.
In this latter situation directed by God, the LBS may or may NOT have to endure the crisis again; it all depends on what they have learned as a result of the first go around.
If you don't learn; you'll go through it all again...as things will come full circle right back to the beginning once again.
Yup, I know, I hijacked; but maybe this might help someone else understand how the MLC'er has trouble with trying to break the connection between themselves and the LBS..and in some ways, you WANT them to have trouble with that....you still love them in spite of all they've done.
I cannot say how much is too much damage...that is up to the individual person dealing with their MLC'er.
I also think God does His work, as well; when a situation is in danger of moving out of His Will, He will take whatever steps are necessary to right the wrongs, and move the MLC'er back toward the LBS.
I know He prevented me from leaving my husband; He couldn't make me stay with him; but I was open and receptive to His guidance; although I argued bitterly at times with the logic that He presented to me.
He always said He knew He couldn't make me stay, but after I saw the alternate path; I knew I would need to; as I'd not lost the love I still held for my husband at that time; and I, if my initial decision to leave him had held, could have consigned him to literal Hell with her.
He said there was always hope as long as I loved my husband, and He was right; He always is.
So, pay strict attention to what He tells you; IF He instructs you to expose, it is for good reason; as He knows your MLC spouse better than you ever will....and you know them well, but God knows them better.
There has been at least ONE situation I observed years ago; where the LBS was instructed to bring her husband before the church, following the Biblical principles; she confronted him first; and he refused to give OW up; she was going into the next part of it in regards to taking two or three witnesses to confront him. I THINK that failed, too; the next step was taking it before the church. I never knew how it turned out; I don't know if I could find that again.
She was fasting and praying about it, and the Lord was leading her into this type of exposure.
Be very careful, as exposing could backfire, if the Lord is NOT leading your steps in this. Let Him be your guide in all your ways; He really does know what is best in each individual case.
Take care.
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Topic: 
Exposure