I firmly believe that whatever is was about us LBS's attracted a broken person from the start.
I totally agree with this, we need to do the work on ourselves or ELSE we may be right back here again.
And to be perfectly truthful I did not think that I had any flaws at BD.
Agree with this and believe this is a huge factor! OP even brought this up early on in my first thread; that I "fit in with her brokeness!" After looking back on the entire marriage and into all the things I knew about her past, I believe this is very true in my case! Not saying I didn't have my own issues to deal with, but she was "broke" from the beginning and as she wore her mask, avoided her own issues and tried to be what "everyone thought she should be", eventually she broke down!
I played my role in it too; I was the "white knight" that came to her rescue. She saw this as a way out of a crap home life and I got to "rescue" her; I believe we both settled! She was really not my "type" at all as a whole person. It's taken over a year of reflection on myself and the marriage to see that! I'm still working on my own stuff; I think all former LBS will continue to do this the rest of their lives!
I've asked myself this same question; there are no definitive answers, and no guarantees, but I believe there are certain things you can look for up front that can help you screen and minimize the chance (a lot of these have been discussed many places on the forum):
1) Family background - major issues with upbringing; relationship with parents & siblings
2) Self worth - was he/she felt worthy as a child; was he/she encouraged or criticized? Does he/she see themselves worthy?
3) Self Esteem - Is he/she see happy with themselves? Are they just as happy alone as they are in a relationship? Confidence level in themselves? See themselves as a good/beautiful/handsome person on the inside as well as outside?
4) Parents marriage - are they still married? any major issues? History of abuse / infidelity/ etc??
5) Goals & Success - Do they have goals in life? Are they continually working to improve themselves? Are they at least happy with their lifestyle and path they are taking forward? Can they stand on their own two feet without you?
6) Activities & Friends - Are they active in their personal life without you (Hobbies, Social groups, etc)? Do they have a good circle of friends & support group?
7) Co-Dependent / Independent / Interdependent - Are they happy doing their own things AND sharing time and activities with you in a healthy way; able to meet some of their own needs (Interdependent) versus: 1) NEEDING you in all aspects of their life versus WANTING you and relying on you/others for happiness & needs (co-dependent), or, 2) everything revolves around them & their life; only want you when convenient for them (independence / narc traits).
8 ) How well do they handle stress? Do they have major stressors in their life? How do they deal with stressful situations?
9) Communication skills - Do they communicate easily? Can they talk to you openly and say what is on their mind or do they "clam up" and avoid or "stonewall"?
These are just examples; none of it is guaranteed and not all of these are absolute deal killers either! Everybody copes in different ways but some of these should set huge red flags to anyone who has done their homework and been on the forums a while!
Just my $0.02!!
Say no to anyone who says "they just grew apart" in their last R, or we "different things in different stages." Change is fine, but look for the person who says, "I am a good person and I am making a good life out of what I have been given." Look for the one who says, "I have an amazing life, I just need someone to share it with me, and someone who can help me grow and GET BETTER by sharing their life." Look for someone who wants to WORK WITH you, not have you work FOR THEM.
Couldn't agree more with this!!!
Obo