[Voyager]

Hi Gardenia,
My H's father and uncle both had what I reckon was MLC, they both left their spouses and lived with OW's and then came home.
H's father died before I met my h, but the way it was described and his personality seem to fit the "profile"
xx

[HeartsBlessing]

Don't mean to rain on anyone's parade; but EVERYONE goes through a transition/MLC..EVERYONE..EVEN if it's just a "blip" on a radar screen...changes are made, not made; lives are changed, and sometimes destroyed completely.

Not that this isn't a good subject, it is; but knowledge about family member's MLCs/Transition; doesn't help your case at all; it only strengthens your convictions that EVERYONE goes through; and no one is skipped in this process.

Keep reading..more interesting info coming up.

Remember MLC is completely based on INDIVIDUAL issues; and does NOT run in the family...not like you're asking..it's NOT "passed down" from generation to generation...not like mental illness; heart disease, and the like, as MLC is NOT a medical condition at all, even though the MLC'ers get sick; and have medical problems during the crisis/transition...it is a spiritual and emotional one, based on each individual and the ISSUES/ASPECTS they must face.

It is more "cyclical" in a sense; I think based on parents who weren't mature enough themselves to raise children properly; I have NO doubt that I may have done some emotional damage to my own son, even though he learned during my husband's MLC the SAME lessons I learned...I won't know until he reaches his mid 30's assuming I'm still here, what kind of mistakes I made; and how much emotional damage I may have done to my own son.

That is a very real possibility for me; and a very sobering one that I've considered...it came up and slapped me in the face during my transition; and I do remember crying in depression, talking to my son; telling him I knew that I didn't do everything right; and that I was sorry if I had ever done anything to him that he thought wasn't fair....he said I hadn't, but who knows?  I wasn't perfect and neither was his dad.

I do know this, even MORE damage would have been done, had I divorced his dad, even with his blessing; it still would have affected him deeply later on, as things played out in that direction.


Tell you something else on another line, here...people who were raised to expect everything, are sadly mistaken when they marry; and expect the spouse to just "give over" like the parents had.  This is because they were raised to be "entitled" to EVERYTHING going their way; NO compromises; and because the parents loved them; they thought love was allowing the child to have EVERYTHING they didn't have growing up and then some.

Think about it, it's just as bad to be raised emotionally deprived; as it is to always get your way.

The crisis corrects an imbalance within a person...and this theory holds up well; in BOTH extremes.

"NO" is a word that should be used OFTEN with children coming up, as they are NOT entitled to everything; and should learn to WAIT for many things..patience is taught that way.

Loving your children does NOT mean they get everything they want; they should, however, get what they NEED, physically and emotionally.

I had all I needed, Dad and Mom made sure we got enough to eat; I had clothes, and other needs, because of my mother, grandmother, and my aunts; but I was emotionally starved; as both of my parents equated love with performance..and I had to be "perfect" in every way; when this didn't happen; I was beaten severely; AND their love was withdrawn.

What resulted was a perfectionist, who stayed under a great deal of pressure, amongst other things; although the Lord worked with me to teach me about love so long ago..through other people who were brought across my path to teach me that I was special, and that I WAS loved, even though my parents didn't seem to.  My parents had NO idea what love really was; and I don't think either one of them ever learned.

I did not care about not getting all I wanted; I grew up poor; and extra things could not be afforded; and I could see that, especially as I got older.....I just wanted my parents to love me for ME, NOT for what I could do...and that NEVER happened for me with them.

Compromise should be a part of child raising; I didn't give my son everything he wanted; and NO was used quite often; as he was not "entitled" to anything; THIS was the compromise of the matter....and sometimes had to WAIT.

I may be stepping on some toes, here; and I apologize for this; BUT; I KNOW several people that DID learn one of their issues and painful spot of immaturity was the tantrums that were thrown to always get their way; as they didn't know any other way; and the spouse didn't know what to do to stop the tantrums except give in...at least until the crisis.

So, one extreme is just as bad as the other when it comes to raising children...and at times, I'm not sure I even balanced that right, myself.

I was, at the time son was born, learning from my parent's mistakes with me; and taught my son to love; and to be patient; and to understand that he couldn't get everything he wanted.

In turn, I was also teaching my husband some things; but it wasn't enough; his issues were too great; and too painful to fix within himself; hence, his crisis.

In my case; I got as much as I could deal with and settled; but there was so much left to deal with inside of me; hence my transition.

Now, I will wait to see what my son does when his time comes; he seems to think that he will possibly deal with his WIFE when that time comes...he doesn't seem to think he will go through a MLC when it's his time; he seems to think it will be a simple transition for him...and I cannot convince him otherwise; having told him he won't really know what he's facing until he gets there.

This is something just thrown into the mix; both my parents went through hard transitions; my dad went through twice..I don't think my mother ever came out of hers.

My sister, at this time; is experiencing an emotional crisis; and doesn't recognize it; I'm there to try and help her; but there are SO many things she doesn't understand...and I keep trying to help her; even if I'm just there when she calls and vents at times.

You think you are sometimes hard headed and stubborn; all of you  here are a piece of cake compared to my sister, believe me...I love her very much; but I know if she'd just comprehend what I'm trying to tell her; she'd do so much better; but I sense she doesn't understand, therefore, doesn't really listen to what I'm saying..

She's got the independence down; but the other stuff...well, sometimes I want to tear my hair out until I'm bald as an eagle.

But I keep trying; because I don't have in me to quit...I never did...now that's called STUBBORNNESS to the Nth degree.

Food for thought.

[Gardenia]

When I stated the question I did not intend for it to come across that I thought there was a genetic basis. I was concerned more that the "running in the family" had more to do with the children being raised in a certain environment where emotional needs were not being met and nurtured. this initself can be passed down generations like bad traditions. There is no genetic basis yet it "runs in the family."

I just didnt take the time to explain enough I guess.

I know with my own siblings we grew up in a very fostering environment asnd yet my brother has had all sort of bizarre issues since he turned 16.  My sister and I are very confused about all of that. My dad had a pretty cool transition. It mostly dealt with hair style and car. My mom had a harder time. There was a lot on her plate. She had to deal with so many things when it was time for her. She has settled down again now. I know a lot of her problems with transition had to deal with the stress from my brother.

Right now my SIL (who recently turned 31) decided she was not in love with her husband as time went on it became that she never was. Now she claims it was all fake and divorced him. My husband felt she did it due to what was happening with our situation and that she was not thinking for herself. Her exH spend the last year or so talking to me and my H about how he felt at nearly ever family gathering. My H told me he did not want to hear any depressing stuff about divorce and such. He also informed me that his sister does not know what she is doing. 

(This is not the same SIL who has been in crisis for 7 yrs. now.)

The reason why I posed the question is also due to my own children. I worry too about things that I have done during this time that may come back as damage later. I worry about their emotional well being. I ask God to heal them all the time. 

[justasking]

When we look at childhood issues sometimes they are evident but other times not. Children pick up on things very differently to adults. An off the cuff remark or two from an adult may not seem important but to the child it is huge.

As for our children all we can do is give lots of love, cuddles and listen to their stories and encourage emotion not to let them lock it away when they feel unhappy, particularly with the boys.

No one knows what the future holds for them. But we have to pray that they transition through life easily and not make a crisis out of it like their fathers/mothers.

xx

[HeartsBlessing]

Hello Gardenia,

Thank you for the clarification...you'd be surprised at the people I've run into over the years; that don't think MLC is a true thing...that it's something that "runs in the family".

No worries, here...I'd rather err on the safe side; then let it be; and find out later it wasn't what I thought it was; an interesting discussion.

People are also surprised to find out that just because they attain adulthood, DOES NOT MEAN they are "all grown up"; even I was surprised when I found that out.

You'd think childhood is all about growing into adulthood; and you THINK, before the crisis; that you had all the tools necessary for being a "grown up"...it's a total shock to find out; you didn't have the RIGHT ones.

Been there, too.

The reason why I posed the question is also due to my own children. I worry too about things that I have done during this time that may come back as damage later. I worry about their emotional well being. I ask God to heal them all the time.

I can understand this very well.

The Lord showed me during my transition that I had to forgive myself for simply being HUMAN; and that I'd acted many times out of ignorance.

That was a long, hard process for me to forgive myself...but in time, I did...yet, I still did try to warn my son on what might be ahead for him..and that is all I can do.

Healing comes through various different things and events; and though we pray for another's healing; only God knows what will happen to bring that healing forth....and we have to leave it in His Hands; because He's the one who knows everything; and we do not. 

Your children will face whatever's coming when it happens; by that time, you won't be as much of an influence on them..and believe it or not, that IS as it should be...there does come a time when children make their way; and we have to let them go when it is time; simply being there IF and WHEN they have questions; and maintain our relationship, which DOES change into more of a friendship, if we allow it to evolve into that..

People who hold on to their children after they are grown; prevent them from maturing; and that was not meant to be...children were given to us as a gift; but NEVER to keep forever under our wings.

I faced all this six months ago, when our son moved out on his own....at first, I worried and fretted about it; then the Lord showed me that He was watching out for son....not to worry; things would be ok...and they have been.

We can't stop what will happen in their lives..within an uncertain future; but we can continue to pray for their well being when they are grown.

Have a good one.

When we look at childhood issues sometimes they are evident but other times not. Children pick up on things very differently to adults. An off the cuff remark or two from an adult may not seem important but to the child it is huge.

The perception of an adult and the perception of a child is definitely two different stories...and all you can really do is do the best you can.

JA, your post is a good one...it spins another take on children, and how they perceive things.

[Gardenia]

People are also surprised to find out that just because they attain adulthood, DOES NOT MEAN they are "all grown up"; even I was surprised when I found that out.

You'd think childhood is all about growing into adulthood; and you THINK, before the crisis; that you had all the tools necessary for being a "grown up"...it's a total shock to find out; you didn't have the RIGHT ones.

A joke amongst me and a good friend of mine is that most people are the same as they were in high school.

We both have the same profession, we teach high school.

As years have gone by people I went to high school with still act the same EXACT way!!!!

Although this crisis has deeply affected my family and myself I am thankful for the growth it has created within me. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to take God for granted. Never stop praying.

I don't feel like I am the same person I was in high school.


 

[limitless]

To all,
I have read and thought about this subject for quite some time.
Yes.  My H had childhood issues - feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, fear, drug and alcohol dependence, you name it.
But, when does the child become an adult?  When is it that the "broken" person - realizes that it is up to them to fix themselves?
I didn't have the greatest of upbringings.  I had two parents who loved me.  But, my Dad was cold and didn't know how to show affection for his family.  (He grew up in an abusive home, himself). 
I guess I could be "feeling sorry for myself" and "running away." 
When does the child become an adult and man (or woman) up?
Boo hoo.  I grew up in a disfunctional family.  I think most people did.  (Or many?)  Some, worse than others - I'm sure.
We all have responsibility. For ourselves.  For the children that we chose to have. 
We can spend the rest of our lives blaming others - never accepting/realizing that the person to blame is looking back at us in the mirror.
That fact can be devastating or it can be encouraging.  If the responsible person is ME, then that means that there is something that I can do to change it.  Make it better.  Make it work.

I will get off my soapbox now.

L

[Gardenia]

I guess the growing up and dealing with the problems happens during the crisis. Since this is when people heal and are supposed to deal with all their issues.

I once told my husband that he can not keep holding on to those things and he needed to release them for himself and find joy in life as it is now and stop dwelling in the past. He held that against me. He took it to mean I was not being understanding. He calls me a "Cosby kid." He does not think I understand and that I can never understand what he is going through.

I don't know why some people are able to grow up and out of bad situations and others can not. If there was a way of knowing then it would imply that we could possibly find a solution? BUt we know that is not the case. Somehow during this journey they will have to face these things and they will finally be able to put them to rest.

[HeartsBlessing]

When does the child become an adult and man (or woman) up?

Think about this: You can't "fix" something within yourself, if you are NOT aware that it is "broken"..and that comes to light for LBS within the time AFTER the bomb is dropped for most people...but not for all.

It comes differently for everyone...the one who is fortunate to have settled their issues and aspects within themselves; long before the the arrival of the tunnel...are the ones whose transition is simply a "blip" on the radar screen.

The point being that UNTIL the issues are brought to light; either by counselors, people who are knowledgeable in those kinds of area, or even total strangers...you would not believe some of the areas of issues I have counseled total strangers on for a short period of time...people seem to think it's easier to tell your problems to a complete stranger than to someone they know and you'd think would trust.


I settled a few things before my husband's crisis; some more during his crisis; and the remaining issues were settled during my transition.


I have a great deal of compassion for people who have issues/aspects to deal with; as it's hard to face yourself; and a not so distant past.

And I will tell you something; I do NOT feel sorry for myself; NOT at all...everything I went through from childhood forward; PLUS being able to settle everything; bringing about change within created the person I became; so, I do ask, NEVER feel sorry for me.

I have no need for this kind of compassion; the damage was healed within me a long time ago; and I view things much differently than I did, before...this has happened each time I've gone through something in my life that was there to teach me.

I'm a survivor; only using my experience to help others through where I've been before; and this is NOT ONLY in MLC; but other experiences of physical, emotional and mental abuse that I suffered in childhood; and emotional abuse for some years into my marriage.

When I wrote what I did about wanting my parents to love me for who I was; not for what I could do...that was one of my issues that I faced within my transition...and it was hard to let of the fact that I would never have the kind of love that I wanted/needed from my parents.
But, I did, and moved forward within the transition to something else...and there was always "something else" for a long period of time.

I have shared these experiences with people who endured similar circumstances..and were willing to talk about it with me.

I no longer carry any blame, shame, hate, unforgiveness, or anger toward my parents; who both passed away within 5 years of each other and it's been a number of years ago.

Within the areas of immaturity; issues, emotional damage, and other such things; I understand the struggle that takes place; the journey through the transition taught me how hard the struggle can be; and the immense amounts of emotional pain there is within...but I cannot communicate this to any of you; only to say it feels like a "knife" is cutting you to pieces....otherwise, it is beyond description...as I've been there.

IF the transition/MLC begins to extract its change within the process; the person going through will stop blaming outside sources; and look within themselves, but only when they are READY, and not before.

You can preach until you're blue in the face; and it doesn't do any good....they will see when they are READY to see.

It's also like taking a horse to water; but you can't make it drink..it has to want to.