[Trustandlove]

I've read a lot of strong feelings here; HB of course is right -- suicide is never the answer.

I can't say I've felt suicidal, although when the pain was at its worst I do remember just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up -- but by that I didn't mean never, I just wanted the oblivion for a while.  I think we've all felt that way.  It is the exhaustion and stress talking.

One of my H's good friends -- godfather to one of our sons, even -- committed suicide what is now 6 years ago.  That was the start of this whole mess for us, as I've written before. 

We saw him more in the last year of his life than we had for ages; in retrospect he was saying his goodbyes.  The last Christmas he made us a wonderful CD in place of a card; he said he was doing that for his friends that year.  He helped me clean and decorate the house that year.  He was happy and fun with the kids. 

NEVER did he talk of feeling down, of anything that might have given a clue.  He did NONE of the things on that list -- maybe making those CDs qualifies.  I suppose looking back there was a certain cynicism about life, but that is all.    Yes, he had had the setbacks, to do with work, and I think he hurt badly when his dog died.  But so much else was going well -- he had a girlfriend for the first time in years and was happy in that relationship.  Turns out that wasn't enough. 

He hid it well.  Turns out that he had probably planned this for when he ran out of money (I won't go into the story); the morning he died he sent an e-mail to H saying that "they finally turned my phone off, oops"....  and then said he was thinking of us.   Didn't say what he had planned, though -- we found out 2 days later. 

I've heard professionals say that those who are serious don't talk, and that was the case here.  They also say that when someone has made up his/her mind in this way they often become calm and even happy, because they see a way out of their pain.  And they also say that it's not possible for anyone else to change their mind. 

I often darkly joke that if he weren't dead I'd kill him for what he did.  And it's not funny.  Not only was the suicide selfish in and of itself, but sending that last e-mail laid a huge guilt trip on H, which, combined with all the other guilt and resentment he was feeling started the process which ended up like this.   And that's just us; we weren't even close family.  What it did to them doesn't bear thinking about. 

A few months after BD my H had said that he had stood on a train platform, wondering what on earth he was even doing here (meaning in life), but thankfully that went no further.  I did tell him then that as much as I hurt from his leaving that I was glad he did that rather than do like his friend did. 

Us LBS often express the sentiment that a bereavement would be easier to deal with than the MLC; I've felt that myself, but I do NOT think that applies to bereavement by suicide -- that would be like MLC compounded.  An accident or illness isn't rejection, it's what happens.   Suicide is deliberate, and is the ultimate rejection. 
 
It is always worth it to keep going, for ourselves and for our children.

V -- I was just writing this as you were.  That was very brave to share; this is such a difficult topic. 

[Shantilly Lace]

Oh V,
I didn't mean to put any pressure on you, I hope I didn't.

I just wanted to put it out there so others don't feel so alone.

But thankyou for adding your voice, HB that goes for you too.

It doesn't have to be at the beginning the feelings, it can be after a long time and the pain is still just there.
i want others to know that it can be overcome even if right now it really seems IMPOSSIBLE.

Thankyou to all the others who have also added their voices.

I just may keep bumping this every so often so that others can see that the feelings can be dealt with and they aren't alone in feeling this and most importantly that it isn't something that is shameful or to be ridiculed for.
 

[Trustandlove]

I hope that what I wrote about my feelings about H's friend doesn't make anyone here feel ridiculed --- that was certainly not my intention.  We so often think that if only this person had talked, had opened up, had not held it all in, that we could have helped.  That his feelings weren't ridiculous. 

Thanks to SL and V and everyone for sharing their stories. 

[Shantilly Lace]

Certainly NOT T&L
Didn't cross my mind. I was thinking of reactions from other people when they found out about me.

[Voyager]

SL
It's fine, i'm glad i put it out there because it may help someone else. You're right, you imagine and can understand why some people have those feelings in the early stages.
But for me it was 16 months after BD. But also I should say it wasn't primarily to do with h, it was a whole combination of circumstances, and obviously the stuff with h is a part, but only a part.
I think the danger is that the whole LBS/MLC stuff drains you anyway, but if other things happen too it can drain you completely, perhaps without realising.
Certainly a lot of my feelings crept up, rather than were obvious, until the events that showed how fragile i was really feeling.
So I think we should always monitor ourselves, especially when other things happen too. 

T&L I didn't feel that at all, that's the danger point, when you no longer articulate the feelings, because you no longer want to, then no one can reach you because you make that happen.

[followingbliss]

SL and V

thanks for sharing such a close and painful thing. I for one am so glad you are both still here as you are such vital parts of this community.

SL your story is so sobering as although I don't know you personally the sense of you that I have is of someone with such a lifeforce it's palpable ! I think that it is sometimes the case that "rainbow child personalities" often have a serious dark side counterbalance ?

V again I don't know you personally but for me you are the " wise soul " of posting someone with that great gift of being in touch with their inner experience (however dark) and able and willing to communicate and share that for others .Remember that the Vikings navigated cloud and fog using their sunstone , probably no accident that you chose them as your totem/symbol.

I haven't seriously contemplated suicide personally and for me think that has a lot to do with being a mum to kids of an age who still need me - also thankfully haven't suffered from depression which I think changes the brain chemistry to a point where even my being a mum wouldn't matter. I do worry about my H however from time to time as he is a depressive personality and as a vanisher I am dependent on others "sightings" to confirm he is still living ! I hope when he faces the tunnel he is able to cope.

FB

[xyzcf]

Sl, V and anyone else who has come that close..I am so glad that you did not.

This is important education for us all..to recognize in ourselves and others the potential, to understand what a kind word can do. To pay attention to those gut instincts of those you love and I am concerned about our children especially when I say that.

I think each of us knows that if we put out an SOS here....someone will answer here pretty soon after..seems like we have almost 24 hour coverage.

I think my H is capable of doing this but there is nothing I can do to prevent it only hope that his faith would prevent him..sometimes I just look at the health risks that he is taking and think, he's already on that path. I pray that I am wrong.

We need to understand something, that what we are going through is a major assault on us. The rejection of our love, the sadness..these are all very real feelings..but our society doesn't necessarily see this as so. So many people are divorced and remarried and what the heck..we weren't meant to be monogamous for our whole lives were we? That was fine in the caveman era when life expectancy was so much shorter. We don't get a lot of support from others that do not understand, especially after the initial few weeks...by now I am supposed to be "cured".

Love you all, there is  love out there that will be yours, you can be open to love at a different level. Our spouses are not well, I am convinced of that....let us not allow their "sickness" to infect us to the point that we ever lose hope.

[hyperglad]

SL keeping up with your sitch...not posting much, but just wanted to give my support to one amazing woman and mom