[hope2018]

My kids are 24 and 20. H has never introduced them or even mentioned ow to them. He acted as if she was non-existent. He allowed her to tag him in posts on FB - only daughter had FB. He obviously knew the relationship was not permanent and that there was no need to bring them into his “fantasy” relationship. He even expressed to our dental assistant on 10/31 that he would never move in or marry her! I guess I am lucky to not to have to deal with having young kids and dealing with ow.  I am sorry for all of you in this situation!

[Rising Phoenix]

Treasur, yes I am lucky Lst worker has also seen how h and ow behave first hand and have reported that they have no issue with my parenting or safeguarding my children but have had to report on h actions.
Thunder, it is his loss but I really didn’t want it to get to a stage where he regrets it and all is lost with his children but it seems to have come to that.

Sachet, I think I have been lucky in that my children are older although d13 was 9 at the time and up until recently kept giving her dad more chances to engage than he deserves but that was her choice. We function as a family and have peace and a lot more happiness without h drama. I’m one way it is sad that we are better without him but I much prefer the peace that comes with no contact and son is a lot better. Xx

[Nerissa]

My kids are 24 and 20. H has never introduced them or even mentioned ow to them. He acted as if she was non-existent. He allowed her to tag him in posts on FB - only daughter had FB. He obviously knew the relationship was not permanent and that there was no need to bring them into his “fantasy” relationship. He even expressed to our dental assistant on 10/31 that he would never move in or marry her! I guess I am lucky to not to have to deal with having young kids and dealing with ow.  I am sorry for all of you in this situation!

Similar situation here. He told me he wouldn’t re marry and suggested he might have her move in but I know he won’t as she really isn’t suitable.  I noticed today she has changed her Fb photo to a ‘sexy’ holding-up-hair one in a Mediterranean type patio. So I’m thinking he might have taken it a year or so Ago, although it would have been at her request since he doesn’t take photos. 

Anyway, he told my youngest he was going to another posting in a new country . It’s since been cancelled but I think he is trying to escape his current situation and have a change before retiring in a few years since people in the office are aware.  I’m thinking he probably doesn’t see her now - or if he does, then rarely, and if the photo is one of a time when they were together, then it’s a kind of ‘look what you are missing’ protest.  She has the obligatory cute emoticons and ‘sooooo hot’ comments from her fellow kidult friends.  It surprising how different the apparent evidence that they are not together affects me, even though Inknew she was just an exit strategy.  I still have to face the truth that he doesn’t want to be with me though and it is still hard.

[Bewildered survivor]

Well mine wanted to take kids to OW 2 months after BD.  I kept them away from her for a year but since court he has been forcing OW on them.  They stay there 2-3 nights per week.  He tries to get OW to be their ‘mother’ by doing their hair and talks about her to kids all the time forcing her on them as well as her kids and family.  He has made it clear to them that they either accept her or he will chose her and her family.  After BD he sent messages say he wants is to move on with OW and their children. SO he has truely replaced me and seems to be heading towards buying a house together and probably married after D.  I think his mask in front of OW and everyone else is that hes a great dad and thats explains some of his behaviour. He also often uses them as a tool to hurt me.  He is also trying to force her own his family.  This is despite her being a complete AD and humiliating to his family.  But he cant seem to see this at all and in fact flaunts her very public ally.

IDK whats worse- if he didnt bother with them at all or that they see him and his rejecting behaviours first hand as well as being exposed to OW. 

Any one heard of any reconciliation stories following a situation like this?  Where both lives have collided so spectacularly?

[hope2018]

Nerissa-

I’m thinking he probably doesn’t see her now - or if he does, then rarely, and if the photo is one of a time when they were together, then it’s a kind of ‘look what you are missing’ protest.  She has the obligatory cute emoticons and ‘sooooo hot’ comments from her fellow kidult friends.  It surprising how different the apparent evidence that they are not together affects me, even though I knew she was just an exit strategy.  I still have to face the truth that he doesn’t want to be with me though and it is still hard.

I am sorry to ask, but I do not know your story.  What stage is your spouse at?  How long has OW been gone?  My H's OW is currently out of the picture so I am interested in your info as we do have similarities.  It would be great to hear how your spouse left his ow and how he acted towards you and your kids.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First of all, I have been trying to research and define the MLC affair. At first I always thought of the Male MLCer in the affair as more of the physical gratification of the affair as the draw while the female MLCer as the emotional connection being th draw.

I read that the"romantic affair is not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people), but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet."

An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades older or younger, someone dependent or dominating, someone with bigger problems than your own is  crazily stimulating that it is like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again."

"Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner"

These ideal romance partners are damsels or dumsels in distress, people without a life, but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight to escape.

Death of a parent, unexpected job failure or success, health crisis, and other turning points- any situation which they must face a lot of reality and grow up.

The interesting fact, romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Food for Thought,

Ready

[Nerissa]

Nerissa-

I’m thinking he probably doesn’t see her now - or if he does, then rarely, and if the photo is one of a time when they were together, then it’s a kind of ‘look what you are missing’ protest.  She has the obligatory cute emoticons and ‘sooooo hot’ comments from her fellow kidult friends.  It surprising how different the apparent evidence that they are not together affects me, even though I knew she was just an exit strategy.  I still have to face the truth that he doesn’t want to be with me though and it is still hard.

I am sorry to ask, but I do not know your story.  What stage is your spouse at?  How long has OW been gone?  My H's OW is currently out of the picture so I am interested in your info as we do have similarities.  It would be great to hear how your spouse left his ow and how he acted towards you and your kids.

Hope, so as  not to clutter  the thread, I’ve sent you a pm.

[Anon]

Any one heard of any reconciliation stories following a situation like this?  Where both lives have collided so spectacularly?

Bewildered, from what I have learned a situation like this is more common than not.   MLC is often a fast moving, crazy, frantic, dopamine fuelled, race to spectacular destruction of one's life and the lives of all those who mattered to them.   Reconciled MLC marriage partners often report such destruction beginning early in the MLC.   

What is also frequently reported is that reconciliation very rarely occurs before the 3 - 4 year mark after BD.   You are only at 18 or 19 months since BD.  The very best thing you can do now if you want a reconciliation is to completely let him go and let him twist in the wind.  There is likely another 2 years of this behaviour of his continuing, before anything significant will change.   During that time don't waste a minute wondering what he's doing and why.   Many reconciled couples report that when this happened the MLCer DID notice and it did lead to faster growth through the crisis.  With no more impediments (you) in their way of reaching what they THINK they want, the sooner the air in the balloon deflates leaving them wondering wtf have I done and why did I even want this new life??   Best if you can have no expectations regarding reconciliation because there are no guarantees and it doesn't always happen.   But your best chance may be to back right off and let it all be to run it's course.

[barbiedoll]

I will risk telling a perspective that my husband has shared several times. He no longer says this to me ... it just is not "safe".  I need to curse my face off for a minute ...!   OK, here goes. He and I were in a very heated "discussion" and he was responding with a lot of anger . He rarely responds in anger, so it escalated rapidly unfortunately. YOU are angry with ME , I remember saying ..that will NEVER happen. Regardless, out his mouth came " I never even had an affair !!".  Sweet J****s.  Prayers for him... but , he stuck to this . He ( apparently ) has had many conversations with his therapists and come to different understandings about things about himself, his actions, his choices etc . His "meaning" was NOT to let himself off the hook or to justify etc ...but to understand a far deeper experience or happening , than an affair. He had a breakdown ...PERIOD. In everyway possible...he broke. Inside of that wreckage of a broken man , he did a lot of utterly catastrophic things. He quit his job, he left his home, he thought about suicide, he moved to another city to "learn to live alone ". He was a "lone wolf" in his emptiness . And he had an affair as part of his broken search to feel "anything".  He did NOT have an "affair" in the true sense of how we understand affairs to be. Many of us know that or understand that this is very different ( a MLC affair VS any other kind of affair) and it is what he was clumsily trying to say . This "affair" during a mlc has a purpose. It is a " re-enactment" of childhood trauma in effort to heal it ... for the final time. And I do understand this in terms of my husband and his affair "person.   

[Bewildered survivor]

Anon- fast moving, frantic and destructive it most certainly is.  Im not sure at this point im standing for reconciliation.  I guess im curious about similar stories for some hope that they perhaps burn through their crisis quicker.  My MLCer is moving very fast with OW and is a high energy monster so there may be hope that means quicker to rock bottom to.

It is very early days and no way near the end.  I am moving forward with my life and trying my best to detach with no expectations most days.  But on bad days hold on to hope that some of the monstering stops and that H has some kind of awaking before he becomes even more involved with OW....especially for the kids sake.