[sachat3]

I also take great comfort in the fact that if I can see through her posts online. So can others. So she’s making herself look stupid.

[Thunder]

Good for you Sachat.

Not letting this immature girl get to you is great.

Trust me ignoring her will drive her crazy.
Keep ignoring...

[sachat3]

Well that’s the thing I thought. She literally never gets a reaction out of me. Don’t get me wrong at the start I did but now if she posts relating to me. I leave her to it. She can make herself look like a d*ck online that’s on her. I will post what I post. If I post a quote it won’t be aimed at her unless it’s a show fits kinda way.

But it’s true because I haven’t responded to her in months and she posts more and more. Ironically when H deleted his social media accounts OW posts EVERY post about me. When he comes back online. The posts get deleted. I suspect H doesn’t like her talking ill of his queen ha!

[DCD]

Hi sachat,

No, I wasn't standing. For the first three years, I guess I was open to him returning.  I did date somewhat infrequently.  I man I had known from my past who lived in my hometown.  We would connect when I visited and he would sometimes come to my city but it wasn't serious.  I did date a man for about a year when husband first asked to come home.  I didn't tell him I was dating someone.  I did tell the man I was dating that husband had approached me about it and I think that initiated the beginning of the end. He was completely out of the picture when husband did move back.

I’m only 16 months post BD and I feel like I’m waivering but not sure it that’s normal. I spend more time analysing my own feelings and the whole “why am I not angry” “why am I sad now” that I do his actions ha!

I think that's completely normal.  As they used to say on this forum "back in the day"  , "standing is not being still".  While you might hope your husband makes his way through this in a timely manner, you shouldn't be up on a shelf collecting dust.  And I also think spending the time on you and your feelings is time much better spent than on dissecting their every little twitch.  Taking the focus off them and placing it on you does two things, in my mind:  you benefit from the healing and growth you achieve (their actions will only leach you of the strength and focus needed), and secondly, if you are standing for your marriage, you would not want to fully witness their craziness or open yourself up to continued and unnecessary hurt, as it would lead to wavering.  What we withstand as LBS is nothing short of tragic. It's awful enough that our marriages have come apart, but what follows is unbelievable pain and betrayal. Stand well back and turn that focus inward to you and your children. 

[DCD]

DCD, wow 8 yrs! At 4.5 yrs I feel like no hope of reconciliation. Your post about h and son is how my h has been with our kids. My son is autistic. I did wonder if ow feels threatened still when she is posting on social media especially when posting on valentines and h b day aimed at me. Blaming me for kids not seeing h when I have emailed and emailed asking him to see his kids. I no longer bother. After 3 yrs cake eater to vanisher I do notice h is even more monster when he had contact in June 18 and Nov 18. H states he considers himself no longer married and yet my lawyer has not heard from h re finances and divorce since Aug 18.

Can I ask, how did you handle ow posts? I just ignore and removed myself from social media. Did your h vanish at all and if so how did you handle that? Xx

Hello Rising Phoenix - i felt that way, too at just after 3 years.  My son is autistic, as well.  That, coupled with an illness I had a couple of years before, i think were big motivators for him to run. Husband wasn't a vanisher but more of an off and on...not quite boomerang but didn't do well with too much time between contact.  Because i did have some contact with husband, it became apparent that OW's posts reflected where they were in their relationship.  I found her posts were more "in your face" when things weren't going so well between them.  I would say the healthiest thing to do about dealing with them is exactly what you've done.  In the early days, they really did bring me to my knees.  Later on, i would log on to confirm where husband was in his cycle...if he was coming in close, it would show in what she chose to post, at times even outright calling me out for dragging my feet in the separation (that was completely the opposite of the truth). At one point, she made such a stink about me stalking her (projection) that she had to block me.  husband accused me of stalking her and told me she blocked me.  ok, fine...until i got an accidental friend request from her old, unused business account.  she was a body by vi trainer or distributor or whatever...only she named it "body by OW".  pretty distinctive name with her face all over it.  It was there and then immediately wasn't when, i guess, she panicked and closed her account.  the request came back again when she logged back on. 
Absolutely OW feels threatened by you.  I can't see how they could ever possibly feel comfortable in their relationships considering how it started.  We're these horrible people and yet they're still married to us.  OW wonders, and rightly so, why he hasn't pulled the trigger.  Seriously, why hasn't he?? makes you wonder, doesn't it? 

[sachat3]

I think a lot of the time, when it comes to my emotions. I spend a lot of time wondering “is this normal” because as my children are still babies and D2 has had so much time spent on hospital as she has so many conditions etc. But that shows Ow maturity as we were recently in hospital for almost 2 weeks and H must have not seen her as when he did see her she jumped on insta and posted “finally got him back” hello?!? He’s been in hospital with his daughter or at home with his other two.

I want to think I’m actively standing as I would like to think, that I would be able to give my children a nice full and complete family. It’s bizarre because before BD that was also the most important thing to H. But then a part of me wants to be with someone else just to be petty and be able to say “Ha! You were with someone else. So was I. How does that feel” but I’m just not sure I could connect with someone else the way I did with H and anything less would feel like second best.

It took me a very long time to not care about what Ow posts. It’s funny because to me, she posts way too much about their problems. I personally feel if I have problems I don’t air them on social media. She’s told the world he was unfaithful, tells the world he spends too much time with his ex, tells the world when they argue and the world can also see how much her appearance is changing within their time. But then when things are good she’ll post “Don’t judge my relationship” it’s funny because I always thought it was just my Ow who was bat sh*t cray. Appears not. 🤣

[Unraveled]

While I don't understand how any of these women live with themselves or can feel that got a catch, I really don't understand where there are such young children, and especially with chronic medical problems.  Sachat you have such a great attitude for everything you have to deal with.

[Milly]

Unraveled, I have wondered so much about the cruelty in my OW. I boil it down to them being so bitter in life that they get pleasure from seeing someone (us) suffer instead of them for once.

[sachat3]

Unravelled - I mean it has been awful I can’t lie. Especially some of the things that I know I’ve seen thrown at them it’s a wonder Ow is still there.

I have to remind myself daily that it’s a reflection of her. I to some extent understand Hs battle with MLC. I see it for what it is. And in fairness to H aside from the leaving and Ow etc. But I suppose that’s what makes OW worse. But some of the things she’s said about my children etc in the past as hurtful as they were reflect more on her than they do me or anyone else.

[Unraveled]

Milly and Sachat, I don't know how I would deal if I had to go through the stuff you guys and RP have.  I am pretty much oblivious to my H's OW (plural).  OW1 contacted me several times after their break up and we had some pleasant conversations (this is the one he secretly cheated on me with for 3 years during our marriage).  Very clearly a sad and messed up borderline personality with a horrible relationship history.

I try very hard not to focus on the OW and don't blame them for my H's actions (my H is the one who made commitments and is married) and as far as OW2, I don't see her as playing any role in this (other than being the current drug of choice) as he began "seeing" her after he moved out (I do not consider us separated--we have no legal separation, he won't sign the separation contract, and we have never had a discussion about separating), BUT what in the double-hockey sticks is this woman thinking?

In my H's case, OW2 works in the same hospital as he and OW1.  She knew he cheated on me with OW1.  She knew that he "left" a 27 year marriage with children.  She knew the OW1 relationship ended in a very ugly way (he has called her a bunny boiler to me so I assume OW2 has heard the same and worse).  She has three children and began "seeing" him right away after the OW1 split.  He filed for divorce in May 2018 (as far as I can tell, 14 months after he began "seeing" her), she let him move in to her home in August 2018.  He has now dismissed his divorce.  He still has not signed a separation contract and NEVER WILL it seems.  He is very much trying to reconnect with my S (and I think with me).  He still gives me more than 1/2 his check (and I also have a good income), so he doesn't even have that much $$$.  WHAT DOES SHE THINK IS GOING ON???  How can she see him as a catch?  Would any of you date a guy like this?

I swear I think he must be totally lying to her, she is a complete moron, or she is just in it for what she can get as long as it lasts.  At the risk of offending those of you for whom this is so painful, I almost find the situation laughable at this point.