[UnconditionalLove]

My MLC’er OW wasn’t really a W.  My ex was 52 and ran off with a student who was 32.  I really know very little about her.  I struggle sometimes because I never got any closure.  My ML’er ran off with her.  He was a associate professor at a college.  He was assigned to help her through her project.  Then I found out she was also helping him in his class taking notes, etc.  She was aggressive from a distance.  She would call him at night when he was home with one issue after another with her health. I remember one time he tried to leave one night and I was like NO, this is not your issues.  She needs to be taking this stuff to someone else.  She called and texted him all the time like it was no big deal.  I really should have hunted her down. LOL! She ended up being diagnosed with Lupus and that drew them together.  I was getting ready to have liver surgery for cancer and he ran off with her to help her with her lupus.  I went to surgery by myself.  He said he didn’t want to be responsible for making any discussions people would be upset with him about.   The discussion of not being there wouldn’t upset anyone?

Anyhow my MLC’er just took off to another state and never looked back.  She’s still sick and he’s more or less just her caretaker.  I’m twice her age and healthy even though I have cancer. So that grass ended up not being greener.  They have now been together for 5 years.  They haven’t marriage.  I think that says something.  He’s lost his business, not working but she has a business she needs him for.  It probably doesn’t bring in much but she needs him as an instructor.  So, I feel like their using each other.  He doesn’t have anywhere to go and he takes care of her and she needs him to take care of her and for this business she started and we weren’t even divorced yet.  She was pretty quiet but very bold.  She knew just what she was doing when she went over him.  He’s a follower so he was easy to lead and he’s still being lead.  I don’t believe he will ever walk away from her. She’ll have to dump him.  She has to know he’s out of money.  Their relationship was pricey for him.  He lost everything from that relationship.  He professional career, his friends, his professional respect, money, business, he’s behind in taxes,getting ready to claim bankrupcy and he’s doing mystery shopping.  He’s a physical, it’s crazy.  What I hate to most is how I have never gotten closure.  He just abandoned me.  Brought me to a new stay and then met her and took off and never looked back.  I knew very little about her.  She can’t be found on the internet, she’s in to conspiracy theory stuff and took him down that road as well.  I think there might be some mental illness with her but don’t know for sure.  She really did pull him in like it wasn’t just love.  It’s like she’s done something like this before and he was dumb enough to walk right into it.

[Not Applicable]

Could have written the same thing as you Stand.  I think there is some sort of anger that my H is working through with ow too.  He is my knight in shining armour and when he can't sustain that, he hangs with her.

That's a really interesting interpretation. I wouldn't call my H my knight in shining armor but he sure seems like he wants to be seen that way. When I get upset he will rattle off this long list of things he is doing for me as if that is enough and his lack of emotional awareness is irrelevant. However, it's 100% clear he is working through some kind of anger with OW.

[sachat3]

Yuno that insight is so thought provoking. Clington was always the Knight. And the “fixer”. During our relationship when I needed a shoulder he was there. Even to some extent after BD he would check and double check I was okay. He was the same with the kids. There was nothing Clington couldn’t fix until D2 got very poorly & he couldn’t fix it. I’ve always felt D2 getting so poorly was a catalyst.

However, I’ve never had “monster” at all out of Clington. He if anything is exceptionally fair (if you take out the fact he’s shacked up with another woman!) no mean comments. No shouting. No aggression. He’s fair with money. He’s nice I guess. He makes it his aim to be nice and friendly with me. So maybe the monster does spew out to her! As my Ow tends to act her shoe size she makes it clear on Social media when they argue etc and they seem to argue ALOT!

[Sam I Am]

When H left at BD, he told me that I was strong and didn't need him and the kids were grown and didn't need but the OW needed him.  Understood him and listened to him.  He was able to help her too by giving her money.  He commented several times about how the rent money was a big help to her.

Helped me at the house to settle some things soon after BD that were in half swing then no additional help.  I didn't ask.  He didn't offer.

Recently (at about 17 to 18 mos post BD) he is showing up and just doing things.  Been going on for several mos.  I go home and my grass is mowed.  My recycling is out.  The AC is in the window. The mail brought in.  Just little things and mostly the things he used to do.

I recently commented that it feels like he is trying to be my Knight doing all these things.  He volunteers or he just goes and does things.  I will avoid asking unless it pertains to the dogs.

I enjoy the break from all the chores but I don't want a knight!  However if this is what he needs, then why should I stop him.  In a way, it seems like he is reversing who needs him.

With me....I found I don't need him.  I want him but I can have a fulfilling life either way!

As for OW....she no longer owns a dilapidated house that needs repairs.  She no longer has rent since she lives in daughter's basement.  She is not needy in the way that he can now do things for her.  He has chosen to not live with her so I can only hope he is giving the OW money to his sister now.  Who knows.  He will have to work it out.

I am just happy when he shows any small signs of turning away from OW.  Yes he runs back...but there are starts.  The A is now at the 2 year mark!

[Mortesbride]

Well I am coming up to the two year mark here pretty shortly. Feels like it has been forever, yet no time at all now. I am happy about that.

In the beginning I thought time would drag on and on. Hours apart from him felt like years....and now years....doesn't feel like the decades I imagined it to feel like.

I suppose having kids to keep you busy means the time passes faster, but you can also see the effects more keenly.

[Standing Strong]

The alienator?

I don't want to know who, why or how. The less I know, the better.

Ignorance is bliss.

-SS

[megogirl]

My alienator apparently just sold (gave?) her car to XH.  I can't be positive, but S16 said it was a red Jeep, and I know that SHE had a red Jeep.

I am incensed by this, because S16 is now learning to drive in a contaminated vehicle...and (God forbid) that anything should happen to him in said vehicle!

Am I over-reacting?  Or being completely normal in a sick and twisted situation?

[Kintsugi]

I had fear, anger, frustration and curiosity.  I was able to put together that the OW my H had an EA with was someone with some serious issues.  At the time of BD I was told she had already been through 6 or 7 men at work (and that was when she was there 4 years).  Someone I know who knew and worked with her said the number was way higher than that.  She justified her cheating on her H because he cheated on her.  Her social media accounts portrayed someone who preferred going out and partying and dancing with men, yet she had two little girls at home.  You wouldn't know she had kids from her posts.  I remember initially thinking that they were nieces or something.  In the beginning I was so angry and hurt but now at 3+ years later I can see the situation much differently.  I think she didnt care about herself.  She has the criteria for BPD, and I can say this because I am a licensed therapist.  I believe she had/has very low self-esteem and this was probably what attracted my H to her.  I have never had any communication with her.  We worked for the same agency at different locations and I firmly believe if there was contact, I would have been fired.

"Once one has a basic understanding of MLC, just look forward and move forward."  God knows I try.  I am not as hurt as I was back then.  Sometimes things happen that remind me of OW.  Since we work within the same agency, I am constantly reminded of his MLC antics.  Our work environments are notorious for cheaters.  Every so often, I see someone who is very similar to OW and it brings up some uncomfortable feelings.  I almost, ALMOST, understood H's actions one day as I witnessed someone who looked an awful lot like OW talking to her male coworkers about her problems and I felt sorry for her.  And I could ALMOST understand how H's antics started wit him feeling sorry for OW.  I have recently been considering looking for a job in a much different environment just to get away from what I want to refer to as triggers but that's another post. 

I have a patient on my caseload who happens to have the same last name as OW.  Sometimes it bothers me to say that name but most of the time it doesn't.  Because of health privacy laws, I cannot disclose this to H.  It is something I have to deal with and it isn't that big of a deal.  I rarely ever referred to her by name with H, though.  I found names that were more suitable for her. 

Early on, after BD, I did what I probably wasn't supposed to do and issued an ultimatum to H.  It was agreed he would leave the work location because I couldn't trust him with her.  He tried hard not to go.  It reached the point where he just lied and lied about her and couldn't keep his lies straight.  And so I gave him another ultimatum which was its her or me.  He then transferred to a different location.  I am at a point now where I believe that this was a mixed blessing.  H went through depression and some things at that place and really hated it.  His motivation to go to work was OW and how he could help her.  We know he wasn't helping her at all.  She has BPD.  The ironic thing is so does H's mother.  They both portray themselves as victims no matter the situation.  And I believe this was also a factor in H's antics.

OW is 21 years younger than H.  As far as I know he has not had any contact with her.  She was a user so I tend to believe this.  I know of people who worked at the same location with her who told me she has not changed and the list of men continues.  She is no longer on social media and I have no idea why.  I can only speculate that the inappropriate photos got her into some type of trouble.  It is sad because it seemed like she loved the attention. And I heard she was being investigated for some unprofessional things.  No surprise there. 

I needed to share. 

[hawk]

l still wonder about the om nearly 7yrs later. They're of in their life , she bloody married him.
l don't even know his last name , she went back to her maiden name.
l could find out now yeah , but in that first year or so , l even followed her to his place a few times, lost her ever time.
One day l turn up to pick up my daughter and he was just getting out of his car, but my daughter was inside and really really upset so l didn't wanna start anything right then.
l did race up to him though and roared into the ugly bastards face from an inch away to stay the fk out of this.That's one of the only two satisfactions l've ever had. Because my daughter was inside so upset l raced in to be with her and hopefully she was still coming back with me for the wkend.
l never found out why she was so upset that morning w just rang and said she was.l spent the rest of the wkend cheering her up though and really didn't wanna bring it up as she was much better later.
A few days later l told ex and sent her info, that l didn't want him nesr or around my daughter again until she was 16 or l'm going for custody right now, she was 12 at the time. w kept her word and my d never saw him again for 4yrs. l don;t think w was even seeing him half the time, they seemed to have some on off thing after that. That was the second satisfaction.

OM, l hated that little town he lived in and everyone in it, so l couldn't find anything out about him, even where he lived.
We were new to the whole district, but my w was working at the hospital so she was knowing everyone l knew no one and lived and worked at home, our property 8k out and mostly used the other towns around us even before all this.
l knew no one l couldn't ask, our few so called friends were w's friends so they would've heard all about it and knew him.
l only knew one guy down the road from me l could trust and l asked him to see what he could find out, turned up nothing couldn't believe it.Found ou=t urs later he lived out of the town in some little hidden spot ha, typical.
lt was like the whole world was against me laughing and looking after him. Even w's parents and sisters, like they condoned her and him and my daughters family being destroyed.

l only ever saw him that once, l dunno , maybe it was lucky. l dunno what l was gonna do .
And l was torn anyway, like exactly who's fault is it anyway , and why would you fight for a w or h that left and did all this , and chose om or ow with their own free will, iver us.
Who's at fault is it ? They chose, destroyed their family and us 19yrs.
Why should l want back a w or h like that, why would l fight for a women like that?
So to this day tbh l still don't know, but l still hate that he got off scott free.

How do others feel about all that angle. ?
l even saw a thread asking that in another forum, everyone in it said if a w or h chose to do all this and leave for another m or w then it's all on them,  no matter what the om or ow are, they chose them over you and their own family and left .

[Mortesbride]

I think at the end of the day you should ask yourself...

Would you have left your family for another person if you were convinced it would make you happy?

Likely as an LBS your answer is no, family is more important...happiness is found within...yada yada.

But the answer for our MLCer was apparently yes.

That isn't on the OM/OW. That was our spouse. I truly believe if it wasn't this particular OM/OW it would be another who happened to fit the dysfunctional bill.

Does that mean the OM/OW don't deserve some bad Karma because they should have known better? Well I believe they are at fault for getting involved with a married person, and will get what is coming to them. They get a broken ass MLCer after all.