[Father5]

     Hi Pass,

     If we as the LBS don't get involved in their mess, I.E. we stay out of it and stay dim or dark. We have power over the OM/OW. We are still the H/W no matter what. We only give over our power to Other M/W when we show anger and resentment or at least when they see it.

   I f we can keep our emotions in check the O/M will see us as the threat !

[UrsaMajor]

Hi you all,
I have a question that I'd like people to comment on.

How come we (I do too often) most of the time "blame" the OW/OM for being behind stuff? I read it today on someone tread, It must be the OW who is behind taking me to court again (don't know who it was that wrote it). I'm not saying that these "people" who wants to get involved with a married man/woman is not doing it out of selfish behavior. My point is or my question is that I think it is the "mlc's" idea mostly and the OW/OM is just backing up the idea, in the same way "we" did when we was married. I'm struggling with this cause my "main" philosophy has to be that that everyone has a free will but I'm aware that addicts steal to get drugs, people in cults do some stupid stuff to etc. but to not steal, not lie, not hurt someone that should be someones core value.

I hope you understand what I'm saying.
Hugs

I think that, in some cases, it may be motivated by:

1) Greed: When the Affair Down sees that the LBS has something that the AD wants and can't have, they may push the Mid-Lifer to "get it" for them or to get parts of it... as in "If you REALLY loved me, you'd give me <xyz>...."

2) a reinforcement of the entitlement attitude of the AD/MLC'er: "Since the LBS (your ex) has/had something, I should be able to have it too." and because the Mid-Lifer often no longer has the financial means to do it, that means trying to claw something back from the LBS and THAT usually means going to court....

3) Manipulation on part of the AD: Stoking that "Oh, you poor pitiful Mid-Lifer you. Your horrible big bad LBS made off with all the goodies and here you are stuck with nothing . Awwwwww..... Wouldn't you feel better if you got some of that back?" and thereby planting the idea that the Mid-Lifer has been wronged (yet again - after all, we ARE the enemy) by the LBS so the Mid-Lifer needs to do something to get revenge, even the score...

Having said that, in many cases the Mid-Lifer would probably NOT have the energy or motivation to actually DO this themselves, although they probably do entertain the idea regularly.... It is the extra motivation that the AD provides that gives them the extra push needed to turn thoughts/words into actions... or that the Mid-Lifer feels wronged but has no real idea how to get "revenge" until the AD comes up with a solution - the AD becomes the "fixer."

Just a few ideas that I could see being possibilities...

[Not Applicable]

UM: I think you missed the point of her question. She was asking why the LBS always blames the OW/OM for these actions rather than the MLCer. Hence the question was about LBSes, not the OPs. You are assuming that the OW/OM IS doing the pushing, and giving reasons why you think they are doing the pushing. That doesn't answer why the LBS (or even you) think that.

My own take is it is some sort of LBS fog where the LBS can't bear to blame their own spouse so they project it onto the OP. It may very well be that the OP supports the MLCer, as one would expect a partner to do, but I think that these MLCers are so out of control that no one really can control what they do, not the OP, not the LBS, and probably not even themselves. And attempting to control others is such a big part of MLC for many of them that you really have to look at them as the ones in the driver's seat. Or at least that is how I look at it.

[UrsaMajor]

UM: I think you missed the point of her question. She was asking why the LBS always blames the OW/OM for these actions rather than the MLCer. Hence the question was about LBSes, not the OPs. You are assuming that the OW/OM IS doing the pushing, and giving reasons why you think they are doing the pushing. That doesn't answer why the LBS (or even you) think that.

My own take is it is some sort of LBS fog where the LBS can't bear to blame their own spouse so they project it onto the OP. It may very well be that the OP supports the MLCer, as one would expect a partner to do, but I think that these MLCers are so out of control that no one really can control what they do, not the OP, not the LBS, and probably not even themselves. And attempting to control others is such a big part of MLC for many of them that you really have to look at them as the ones in the driver's seat. Or at least that is how I look at it.

You are right.... I flipped it as to why the MLC'er might be doing the stuff for which the LBS blames the AD.... And I think you are correct that the LBS tends to blame the AD (The AD in my situation was a VERY short fling so may have kicked off the $#!tstorm but is no longer on the scene - TGF's on the other hand...) because it is inherently difficult for the LBS to reconcile the MLC version of the person formerly known as "Spouse" with the person that we remember for <x> number of years.... The two different versions are so diametrically opposed to each other, we defend our memory of the Spouse that was by apportioning the actions to the AD... THAT way we can keep the Pink Tutu (as Treasur put it) on our Mid-Lifer

[hawk]

     Hi Pass,

     If we as the LBS don't get involved in their mess, I.E. we stay out of it and stay dim or dark. We have power over the OM/OW. We are still the H/W no matter what. We only give over our power to Other M/W when we show anger and resentment or at least when they see it.

   I f we can keep our emotions in check the O/M will see us as the threat !

That's a funny thing , l was talking to ex the other day and she's normally quite chatty. But she hardly said a word just quickly answered short brief.
l worked out later she was with om ahh, they're married but she still isn't aloud to talk to me l don't think.
lt's nice to know l'm still a thorn in his side, nice sharp irritating one l hope.
Funny , once way back , one of the few times l ever saw any of ex's friends since all this , she said she talks about me all the time, l thought that was strange, anyway, that could be the thorn in om's side haaaa, love it.

[hawk]

UM: I think you missed the point of her question. She was asking why the LBS always blames the OW/OM for these actions rather than the MLCer. Hence the question was about LBSes, not the OPs. You are assuming that the OW/OM IS doing the pushing, and giving reasons why you think they are doing the pushing. That doesn't answer why the LBS (or even you) think that.

My own take is it is some sort of LBS fog where the LBS can't bear to blame their own spouse so they project it onto the OP. It may very well be that the OP supports the MLCer, as one would expect a partner to do, but I think that these MLCers are so out of control that no one really can control what they do, not the OP, not the LBS, and probably not even themselves. And attempting to control others is such a big part of MLC for many of them that you really have to look at them as the ones in the driver's seat. Or at least that is how I look at it.

Yeah l agree in many ways, this is why l was never sure just what to think and feel , but eh l'll hate the om non the less. He had no problem getting involved with a married woman or in helping to break up an innocent young girls family.
So hell yeah , l blame him too .
But of course , it was my ex that gave up on her family , marriage, vows, and did  this.

[Acorn]

My own take is it is some sort of LBS fog where the LBS can't bear to blame their own spouse so they project it onto the OP.

True for me.  LBS pink tutu.

[Nas]

I don't blame the OW.  My H is 100% responsible for his despicable, reprehensible actions. 
Having just past my 2-year "cancerversary," I also now have to 100% recognize that the truth is he vanished because he doesn't care.
And it truly is terrifying to think that I could have spent almost 2 decades with someone who is capable of just not caring. But it's not because of the OW.  It's all him.

[Anon]

The link below takes you to a fascinating article written about affair dynamics.   It’s likely the most comprehensive article I’ve read about the affair, the AP, the fog, etc. and why it’s so hard for the wayward spouse to end it.  Thought I’d share here.

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-four-ms-why-cheaters-cannot-leave-their-affair-partners/

[Passiflora]

Thank you all and GG for "understanding" my question.

Even if I never thought this about my xh, everything he has done, I'm so with you Nas, "they" are 100% responsible for their actions, even if I do think the OW/OM use a lot of emotional abuse towards the mlc. Why I asked this is cause I have 2 pretty grown up sons and during these years since BD I've talked a lot about "how to be a good man" never ever abuse a woman in any way. They are getting pretty tired now of mum :-) but the oldest has always stated that; He (dad) did this by himself, He is 100% responsible for everything he has done and We (him and his brother has a choice to not do anything like that)

I don't know where I'm going with this, just that I still think we first should place 100% responsibility towards the mlc, cause he/she has also a will to say no even if I do think that the OW puts a lot of pressure/emotional abuse etc.

Hugs