[hawk]

Yeah , in many ways l agree 100% , this is why l've always been so torn about it.
l was a bit of a mess in our last 3 or 4 years , and l had a few temptations handed to me on a platter. But l said no to myself  , l'm married and l have my daughter to think about.
lf l could say no and ride out the storm, so could've she.

[KeepItTogether]

Yes, I agree, the MLCer makes the choice alone to break his or her vows. But the OP knowingly participated in the break-up of a family. I know there are some that are duped. But mostly they are not. My H's OW knew all about me and our S(then)9.  I don't place all of the blame on the OW of course. But I also didn't make a vow to her. I made that one with my MLCer. Yes he broke his. But 2 wrongs don't make a right.

And I, like you Passi, have many conversation with my boy about being there for your family, honoring your commitments, etc. How what Dad did/is doing, is not right. (But we love him anyway, yada yada yada)  All in an effort to break this horrific cycle.

[barbiedoll]

I knew from the start that he was 100% responsible for his choice to manage his pain and mental health by having an affair . Him and only HIM is responsible.

Having said that , my anger/rage against the OW in my case was that she knew he was 100% married and was a father to 5 women that she had a relationship with. She was in my home , she was at family functions , she knew my daughters since they were small children. She dared to ask my daughters questions ( are your mom and dad going on vacation? How is your mom doing) while she was having an affair with their father . The pain that created in my girls is the actions of a selfish, evil and vacant human. That's where my rage sits... she should have just spit on them..thats how littled she cared. I guarantee I would have done much better healing etc , if he had have gotten involved with a stranger . ...anyone but her. Someone that I did not know .  I hope karma drives the biggest bus ever ... Yes, I can still feel it.

[Whyus]

I give/gave OM alot of the fault for what happened. I knew that XW was at fault as she was the married one, she was my W. At the end of the day though, it takes 2 to Tango and BOTH are at fault for what happened BOTH knew exactly what they were doing. I mean, if I were at the Gym and a 28 year old Girl with a trained Body kept complimenting me and showing interest then I may have became weak too. There is always a Chance, I think under the right/wrong circumstances we could all stray. We are all human, if my XW can do it then anybody can but she wouldnt have even thought of it if OM wasnt in her face everyday.
Both are at fault.

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-four-ms-why-cheaters-cannot-leave-their-affair-partners/
"Dont make a fool of yourself being faithful to someone who isnt" that is a Quote from the link, Heavy. Very heavy but ist how I felt for the first 6-12 months pre BD. Like a fool 

I hope karma drives the biggest bus ever ... Yes, I can still feel it.
I bet you can barbie and so you should. None of this is easy and having the OP "around" is horrific.

[Milly]

I agree with everything Kit and Whyus said. That's how I feel about H and OW. I'm not, not blaming my H for his affair (if that makes sense!), I know he was the married one and had the choice, but my OW knew he was married, admitted in an email I saw that she did in fact push him to leave us and if it was up to my H, he would still be at home. In another one of her emails: 'If I had not believed so much in our relationship, I know it would have ended that first time.'

When I get mad at the OW, I'm not excusing my H, I mean I've written many threads complaining about my H, but there is no excuse for chasing a married man. That would be akin to letting my girls think that they don't have a responsibility to stay away from other people's spouses. That as long as they are single, the onus is all on the married person. I'm not giving the OW a free pass. They are both guilty, guilty, guilty. I know many on this site don't like to hear this, but this is how I view it.

[Treasur]

I don't think it is an Either/Or tbh.
Our spouses broke commitments and hurt us and others by doing so.
But ow/om made their choices too without regard for the damage caused to others.
Imho it's ok to judge and feel angry when people behave selfishly and badly...whether they are a stranger or not. Our emotions may be more personal if we know them (or are married to them) but as Milly says, no free pass here either.

And in some cases, more common with ow it seems, they do bring their own agenda and disordered character into the situation. MLCers may be influenced by that but of course they are still responsible for their own actions. But so are ow who stalk LBS or lie or threaten or steal or abuse or use children as objects of control. Behaving badly is the responsibility of an individual....plenty of room to judge all of them it seems to me  ....and the LBS has the right, here and in RL, to call it out for what it is. Particularly when there is often so much pressure in RL to STFU and not make a 'fuss' or not be the 'scorned' spouse who can't 'forgive' or 'move on'. We have the right to feel angry when people behave badly; we have the responsibility to choose wisely what we do with those feelings. Jmo.

[ChrissYAH]

My XH married the ow, apparently she's always making sarcastic comments about me being the 'love of his life' it also seems she doesn't 'trust' him and feels very insecure in regards to me she obviously feels threatened, although she shouldn't because there is no chance in hell I will ever be reuniting with him.

[Enyo]

As Barbie says – H was 100% responsible for choosing to deal with his pain and depression by having an affair.  An I understand this even more now that I have taken off his pink tutu - really should have done it sooner as now he is left with unsightly tan lines 

However I have lots of anger toward OW.  H worked away from home during the week and if he had met someone where he worked, given her the ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ speech I would have felt less betrayed.  OW in my case was a friend, someone I spent time with and someone I confided in when I was going through a rough patch with reactive depression due to illness.  She ghosted me and began love bombing H.

She even had the cheek, when H left, to ask mutual friends how I was doing saying how sad she was to hear we had separated and reminding people that we used to be good friends.  A friend said ‘You know how appoachable Enyo is – why don’t you ask her’ to which she replied ‘Enyo frightens me’ – says it all!

She may not be responsible for his choices but she definitely coached him through leaving and our separation as some of his reasons and justifications are pure OW.

I am not a vindictive person but a plague of boils dropped off by the Karma bus wouldn’t go amiss now would it!

Enyo X

[heroIam]

I place much more of the blame on my H.  OW definitely has a part.  But H in my case should have manned up - said no, left the situation.  Regardless if we were having disagreements.   
In my case I didn't know OW.  She came out of the woodworks (or actually the scum of the earth).  Most likely she was introduced to H by one of his band buddies.  She was probably around for some time and I didn't know it.  Probably some groupie that had a hard on for him......In any case, H had a choice.  And he made it.

With that said, hopefully as we evolve and mature, we will be able to realize, acknowledge and admit we made mistakes.  And move forward as a much wiser person.  I've made mistakes. (nothing as huge as this!)  But I learned from them and do better now.  And I'm grateful to getting a second chance.  Right now, I'm open to and believe in second chances.  But that could change for me. 

MLC or not.  H made a decision to lay with OW, be with OW and continues that decision as of today, 4+ years later.......

[Anon]

She may not be responsible for his choices but she definitely coached him through leaving and our separation as some of his reasons and justifications are pure OW.

Yup,,in my case too.  Coaching a married man on how to leave his wife for her own selfish reasons.  This is one of the biggest reasons  these women will always be an affair down.   

Doesn’t mean h isn’t fully responsible for his actions ,,,he is.  He let himself be influenced and lured by a seriously character flawed woman.  He has to own that while ow will likely dance off to find her next victim when it all crashes down. 

It’s not in my nature to hate people, but I do hate his ow.   She is a key participant in the destruction of my M.   Tough not to hate someone like that.