[Not Applicable]

I just read a somewhat old obituary. I don't know any of the people mentioned in the obituary. I just came across it while searching for something about a business formerly owned by a relative of the deceased.

It mentioned how the deceased had just remarried his wife for the THIRD time 4 months before he died. That he had spent the past 2 years having a reunion with his family. He had been in the military for a long time and that kept him away from his family too but it also made mention about how although he was away from his family a lot, he thought of them often. He and his wife had 3 sons.

He was 62 when he died. One has to wonder whether there was an MLC involved in this story.

Well you have stated you pay $3k a month on your mortgage. Presumably you got the house too. Not sure how you plan to pay that mortgage when you stop getting alimony until you can start drawing from that retirement account. Not to mention homes have maintenance expenses and sometimes property taxes depending on where you live. Presumably you also will be able to draw from your H's social security but what if he decides not to take it until he is 70? And as I understand, he is younger than you. So you have some glaring gaps in there where your income could be quite small to non-existent. Plus you have health care expenses. Plus I assume you have not worked enough to get your own social security payouts from your own work.

[Shockandawe]

I just have to throw my experience into the mix here for what it’s worth.

As my h is currently deep in mlc LaLa land and is, indeed, the total opposite of the man I married I have to do things for me alone. My Mother was herself an LBS long before MLC was talked about. I learned from her that to try to talk any kind of sense or cajole or argue is pointless. She suffered my Father’s affair with the gold medalist of vile ow and eventually, stepped back, let go and met someone else. This was my Father’s awakening! He begged my Mother several times to take him back even enlisting the help of my Nan, ( my mother’s mom) to plead his case. Unfortunately my Mother had given up and was not interested at all.
From talking to my Father before his death he told me he lived every day since with the regret of what he did, that he never stopped loving my Mother just didn’t think he did at the time of MLC.

He so badly wanted to reconcile with my Mother but by then it was too late. He thought she would hang around waiting forever or until he decided he wanted back in.

For my part I am getting a life, it still hurts 13 months after my h left to live his “wonderful “ life with ow but, again from experience of my Father’s ow I know this is not great and he looks like crap and I look so much better and am so much stronger.

I leave him to himself whilst I use this time for me.

[megogirl]

Can we just live in the NOW?  I can't worry about 20+ years from now......I am just trying to make it through until TOMORROW!

And considering my XH sells retirement plans for a living, I don't see him leaving me high and dry.  He is an alpha male so just LOOOOVES to provide anything he can.  It's all he's ever known (his mom stayed home, too!)

RCR wrote they're just LOST, not GONE, and I believe everything she writes.  Personal phone calls from the Prisoner also confirmed this.     

So.....I just don't worry.  Life is too damn short! 

[megogirl]

He so badly wanted to reconcile with my Mother but by then it was too late. He thought she would hang around waiting forever or until he decided he wanted back in.

Hi Shock

Your story is all-too-familiar.  It seems like everyone's story!  Perhaps that's why I don't panic about my future too much (?!)

Because once I learned what was REALLY going on with him, I realized the decision was mine to make. 

And then, yet another month was ripped off the calendar.

[xyzcf]

I am living in the now. My house is still not worth what it was purchased for in 2007. This week I had to buy a new lawnmower AND the snow storm we had greatly damaged a big tree which will be another big expense to have it cut down and taken away.

And considering my XH sells retirement plans for a living, I don't see him leaving me high and dry.  He is an alpha male so just LOOOOVES to provide anything he can.  It's all he's ever known (his mom stayed home, too!)

My husband who has more $$ then he could ever need divorced me last year causing me to loose my health insurance. Costs me $1174 per month to have medical care and HE DID NOT CARE. Told me he was under no obligation to keep me on his health insurance plan. Yet when I was reluctant to leave Canada and move for his job to the US in 2003 because of the lack of adequate health insurance, he assured me I never had to worry about that as he worked for a large company and I'd always be covered.

They lie.

But maybe yours is different, who knows?

[megogirl]

I am living in the now.

No sorry that comment was actually directed at GIG, who seems very concerned about my financial future (?!)

Obviously I'm not thrilled with XH being gone, but it is what it is and I refuse to spend my life fretting about ANYTHING - especially $.

I just know this man all too well.....

[Not Applicable]

I have a relative who was doing well when he was your H's age. He was married, owned a house half a block from the beach in Southern California, his own private airplane, worked in real estate....

Now fast forward 35 years or so. He's divorced and alone, living in an apartment whose rent consumes almost his entire social security check. He gets his food from food banks or simply goes hungry. He has all sorts of medical issues. He has my mother mail him a $20 phone card every once in a while so he has some way to make calls. He gets his internet at the public library. His phone has been off for more than a week now and we have no idea why or what happened to him and no other way to contact him to find out. He takes the public bus and obviously lives in a pretty seedy area as he was pickpocketed on said bus a few months ago.

What happens if or when your H buys his dream winery and the grapes all freeze one year and he goes bankrupt? His former insurance job isn't going to help him, let alone you, assuming he chooses to help you at all. If he chooses to marry his girlfriend who works and shares in earning a living with him and they have a kid or two, I doubt he is going to be shelling out for the ex-wife who chooses to sit on her ass and waits for a handout and a return from him. Do you really think he is going to be willing to shell out for the possible personal care you will need for disability caused by MS? If you had been working all these years you would at least be eligible for disability from social security now. And anyway, your H could drop dead any time even he chooses to help you.

You can live in the here and now but you won't be living very well at all in the future if that is your attitude. But then maybe you do realize how screwed you are and prefer not to deal with it.

[Not Applicable]

I have to just say this. Outside of this forum, I have never heard of a case of divorce leading to a return among anyone I know personally, let alone regrets about the divorce having happened at all by the person who chose to get the divorce. It's not the norm.

[megogirl]

I doubt he is going to be shelling out for the ex-wife who chooses to sit on her ass and waits for a handout and a return from him. Do you really think he is going to be willing to shell out for the possible personal care you will need for disability caused by MS? If you had been working all these years you would at least be eligible for disability from social security now.

I am a SAHM.  I don't "sit on my ass" at all - I get up and make S16 his breakfast & lunch in the morning & then hang out with him - then, I'm here to greet him off of the bus - then, chauffeur him to wherever he needs to go - then, pick him up.  He doesn't have his license yet, and I'm committed to him......but, thanx for your concern.

Having said all of that......jealous, much?!

[One day at a time]

Sorry Mego, but I need to ask. If you have all the answers and the rest of us are always wrong, why do you keep asking questions? People spend time trying to help you but you dismiss everything everyone says.. I really don't understand what do you get out of HS..

Personally, despite the hope he will one day come back, I made it my job to make sure I can get by no matter what happens. I wanted to be safe and maybe also a bit out of pride.. If I was my H and I saw me (his wife) simply taking all the abuse and cr$p but still patiently waiting for him to "wake up" I would have no respect for my wife anymore and definitely I would not go back to that..

Also I want to make something clear to him.. I don't NEED him, I don't need his paycheck or his help around the house. I want him in my life because I chose him as my life companion..  I'm learning to do what I need to do so I can make sure I can look after myself. He doesn't have my back anymore, he doesn't care about me right now and he might never care again.. I wish you could see that the same could happen to you.. And I hope that whenever you see it, it's not too late Mego.. Right now your "knowing" is giving you a false sense of security and the longer this goes on, the more time you are wasting.. Time you could be using to do something useful for you.

I wish you well Mego, you will need all the luck you can get if you continue down this path.