[megogirl]

Sorry Mego, but I need to ask. If you have all the answers and the rest of us are always wrong, why do you keep asking questions? People spend time trying to help you but you dismiss everything everyone says.. I really don't understand what do you get out of HS.

Never once have I said, or implied, that I "have all the answers."  Nor do I "dismiss" anything. 

We all have our opinions, and I have mine.  I believe one thing, and you believe another.

Why isn't that OK on HS?  I'm playing devil's advocate, if nothing else....

[forthetrees]

Mego,
There is a newish book out for financial planning for those with chronic illness  Estate Planning: For People with a Chronic Condition or Disability, Attorney Martin M. Shenkman and there is the article: https://mymsaa.org/publications/motivator/winter-spring19/cover-story/.

Nursing home care costs about 100k per year and that does not include drug costs or anything personal. 300k will not take you far unfortunately if the $hit hits the fan. You may want to fund your own special needs trust - if you end up on SSI and medicaid, the govt. cannot claw back funds from the special needs trust. You can draw on your ex´s social security once he hits full retirement age- you do NOT need to wait until he hits 70 if he chooses to wait. If he dies, you are eligible for 100% of his benefit. You can remarry after 50 and still draw on his earnings IF you are disabled. If not, you can remarry after 60.

You cannot claw back time. Relying on your gut feeling is like buying a lottery ticket knowing you are going to win. Be the ant, not the grasshopper.

[megogirl]

Thanx FTT

You are very knowledgeable.  Perhaps you are a lawyer?

Re: the re-marriage stuff......well, that will never happen.  Because I am one and done.....something that I am prepared to take to my grave, should it ever come to that.

Can you tell that I am very set in my ways?!

[Tyks]

Wow, well said one day.

[Not Applicable]

I am a SAHM.  I don't "sit on my ass" at all - I get up and make S16 his breakfast & lunch in the morning & then hang out with him - then, I'm here to greet him off of the bus - then, chauffeur him to wherever he needs to go - then, pick him up.  He doesn't have his license yet, and I'm committed to him......but, thanx for your concern.

Having said all of that......jealous, much?!

And when he graduates and maybe goes away to college in 2 years? Then what?

Your whole identity is tied up in being a wife and a mother. That's fine, but what happens when there's no husband and no son around?

It's not just a matter of supporting yourself, it's a matter of the fact that you seem to have no other interests or activities.

[UrsaMajor]

Thanx FTT

You are very knowledgeable.  Perhaps you are a lawyer?

Re: the re-marriage stuff......well, that will never happen.  Because I am one and done.....something that I am prepared to take to my grave, should it ever come to that.

Can you tell that I am very set in my ways?!

Mego, being set in your ways does not and should not mean that you set off at a run towards a cliff and refuse to consider changing ditestion. That's not being "set in your ways." That's commuting self-harm or suicide.

Have you read the following Blog Post from RCR? .

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/reconciliation_will-your-mlcer-return/

She says herself explicitly that many Mid-Lifers do NOT return...

However, a couple of general observarions:
1) This thread is a discussion thread about what it takes for a Mid-Lifer to get their head out of their...... Fog..... This is NOT a thread for Mego's story. She has one of those already.
2) To imply that a Stay At Home Mom doesn't work as was done above is the epitome of arrogant hubris, especially when one has no kid of their own,
3) Ther is NO specific "thing" that causes a Mid-Lifer to suddenly realize that the LBS has dropped the rope and moved in. For some, it may be that the LBS has a new partner, for others that the LBS is living a happy life, for yet others, they will NEVER wake up. My FIL(RIP) was one of the later. He had his "awakening" if you will while he was in a semi-concious coma from heart failure, being forced to hear his children tell him how he had hurt them in his MLC but that they forgave him. He couldn't run away, he couldn't monster back, he couldn't reply at all. 2 hours later, he died.

The bitter truth is that, despite your belief and certainty, not all will come back. If you read the blog article, from the evidence in the small sample here, few do but that can also be that, after a period of time, the LBS has moved on and stops posting so an attempted return won't be documented.

It is our life to lead and we only get one shot at it.

BUT let's please return the the opic of the thread which is NOT Mego's story but rather her question on what causes the Mid-Lifer to wake up....

Thanks,
UM

[Treasur]

I think Acorn summed it up best on her thread reflecting on her observation of her own h.

Logically...if it IS a crisis, and one accepts that a crisis is in and about them and not about the marriage other than as part of the context....then what ends it will equally be about them and internal to them. I think Acorn's sense was that her h just no longer felt ok with the person he had become so he started making changes to become someone he felt better about. In his case it seems that included his relationship with his family and with his faith. But still all about them and still probably quite a lot of self-centredness and not much empathy even as they start to figure it out.

So my answer is that, if they do 'quit', it will be because they can no longer feel ok about who they are. Nothing to do with the LBS at all. Or other people or things or events other than as context again. And of course some may never reach that point. And some may decide that the new improved them does not include their family or any part of their past life at all.

What we do know though is that a) it takes years and b) it is not possible to predict the outcome.
Meanwhile the LBS and the family needs to find a way to live a life they did not plan and imho reduce the damage from crazy nasty where they can. Different situations require different tactics. Standing is not waiting nor is it trying to control the mysteries of someone else's inner workings. Standing imho is living despite MLC and keeping a kind calm sane door open should you wish to do that.

Going back to the original question...circumstances are different via a vis divorce, contact, remarriage etc...but what seems true for many LBS is that honestly our spouses ARE done with the marriage. Some may waver, some may try to live two lives for a while, some may just vanish. But there is no normal healthy functional marriage after BD. Which is painful to accept but necessary I think. They have already QUIT us....even with a live in imho, the marriage as it was no longer exists bc they remove themselves from being a normal spouse....what remains to be seen is if some want to reconnect at some point.....and the LBS gets to decide then if what is on offer is worthwhile to them or not depending on what kind of person shows up then.

[forthetrees]

Treasur,

Great summary and worth being a permanent post for newbies- might save a lot of emotional energy and spare excess pain.

[Milly]

Great post, T, and thank you for it. You said what needed to be said without it feeling hurtful to the LBS.

It is very hard for us to accept that our spouse's MLC is not about us and the marriage because that is where they hit us. I'm still not able to detach myself from this thought. However, the way you put it, re-enforces the concept that the MLC is having a personal crisis. His identity crisis destroyed the marriage. Until he begins to resolve his personal crisis, he will not consider the marriage in any way. The marriage is a side effect of his crisis.

Also good to be reminded, although we hate it, that there is no guarantee of them returning, and therefore we must force ourselves to make a life for ourselves without them in it.

And for any newbies reading, becoming financially independent, whether your spouse is currently supporting or you not, is something you do for you. You would not rely on your parent to support you once you become an adult, and you certainly shouldn't depend on a child-spouse going through a crisis. Even if you think they would never leave you penniless, I bet you also believed they would never cheat on you, too. At least, I did.

Making your own money helps you feel in control of your life. Allows you to make decisions for your future. Takes you into the real world to mix with new people and have new conversations. Gives you a reason to get up in the morning. Allows you to take a step away from your MLCer, and might ultimately help them see you in a different light.

[Not Applicable]

2) To imply that a Stay At Home Mom doesn't work as was done above is the epitome of arrogant hubris, especially when one has no kid of their own,

UM-I am not saying that a SAHM doesn't work. But when someone chooses to leave their spouse for someone who is the opposite of the person they are leaving, there's something going on there. Now it can be leaving a working wife for a trophy, or vice versa, or a fertile wife for an infertile one, or vice versa. It doesn't matter. If we are talking about what makes them come back, we have to consider why they left as well. And in the case of someone whose only child is 16, being a SAHM may be irrelevant to the possible return of the MLCer.  Maybe he doesn't want a wife at home anymore, maybe he wants a do-over and the OW is going to quit work, stay home and have more kids. Also, once the kid has left the nest, what is there to draw him back? At that point, one is no longer a SAHM. And in a case where there's no longer a need for a father figure in the house, then what's in it for the LBS whose whole identity is wrapped up in being a SAHM?

As for me not having a kid of my own, well you can jump to all the wrong conclusions you want, but what I was trying to show here anyway was not my perspective, but the perspective of a man who has chosen to be with an active working woman when his ex is the opposite and why he may or may not return.