[Thunder]

What's going on there is a MLC.

MLCer's leave their spouse, or divorce them, for someone totally opposite all the time.

People in crisis do that, it has nothing to do with the spouse.  Usually it is a younger person they find because it matches their age, in their head.

You didn't mean to blame the spouse, did you?

Ugh, again we are off topic.   

[Not Applicable]

I do not "blame" the lbs because that implies the lbs did something wrong.  But are the circumstances of our marriage part of what they are running from? In many cases yes. They may have a fantasy the other person will be the opposite of their spouse and that may or may not be the case. But they want a different life. Note I said life not wife. But we were part of their life. So if they are to return is it because we stayed the same, became a better person...or does our response drive them away for good? It makes people feel better to tell them this is not their fault yet our circumstances which may have been out of our control still play a role in what happened

[Thunder]

Well I think, from most stories I've read, most of the marriages were pretty solid until the crisis hit.

Then they rewrite history and come up with "nothing was good for years."

Can there be improvements in the marriage, of course no marriage is perfect, but the MLCer paints it as all bad.
Some have left for the stupidest reasons.  The dog is too fat, you did xyz 15 years ago, etc..

They are running away from their issues, not the marriage or the spouse.

[megogirl]

It makes people feel better to tell them this is not their fault yet our circumstances which may have been out of our control still play a role in what happened

Once again - blaming the spouse!

I will just defer to the words of the great RCR here:

"Superficially it may not make sense; she's nothing like you.  But when you delve deeper it would make less sense for him to cheat with another you - he's got the real you.  MLCers don't seek out alienators who are younger or more beautiful.  He seeks someone convenient.  There is nothing special about her other than she gives him her attention and admiration - those are not to be underestimated.  She fulfills his need for validation."

BOOM! 

Nowhere there did she mention looking for an "active, working woman."  However, she did mention convenience.

It isn't lost on me that XH's OW lives smack-dab in the center of his hometown, within walking distance of everything.  How's that for convenient?

Also, THIS......

"A woman similar to you would remind him of his guilt, which he is trying to escape.  We subconsciously seek out partners who fulfill our missing pieces and needs.  In his opposite state, he needs a person different than you to do this."

Another BOOM!
   

[Not Applicable]

And when they choose a new partner who in some way recreates the dynamics of their issues, I don't think that they are running from those issues but throwing themselves headlong into them. I think if we are dealing with an mlcer in some cases they are running from us because we simply are irrelevant to the issues in their heads. We become noisy static to them

[Tyks]

Thanks for the link, UM. It was a good read with lots of great reminders that we need to build our own new life.

[Not Applicable]

I just wanted to add that perhaps my view is different because I didn't get a breaded chicken excuse (which is an easy problem to solve) but a mix of genuine serious concerns l consider legitimate (even though we differed on how to solve them) and clear Foo issues I know I can't solve anyway. The why's are not an issue of dispute. it is how he has dealt with them. I

[stayed]

Mego… you do a great deal of "cherry picking"!  All of the points you have highlighted are valid but they are not THE ONLY points worth considering.  The real truth.... IT DOESN'T MATTER who, what... the other person is or isn't... he/she ISN'T your problem.  YOU are the only person you can fix, help...wasting time, picking through RCR's comments/opinion, finding the ONE that best suits you, will not help you find your way through this.

You continuously choose to believe that these people who are "at least" responding on your thread, are doing so to deliberately belittle or demean you.  That is not the case!  You are two years or more out from your bomb drop and from what I can tell, you are "further behind" then you were then. 

Sadly, you will waste your time lashing out at me and all the rest of these kind people.... when your time could be better spent WORKING ON FIXING YOURSELF. 

As for all you lovely people who are responding to Mego's continued beligerence and defensive responses.... leave her to it! I am sure your words and advise would be much better received and appreciated by others on this forum.

Hugs Stayed

[Acorn]

It is a folly to invest out time and mind space to conjecture what will make them think/do this way and that.  They will think/do as they please, and the same applies to LBS.

It is a folly to extrapolate the future of M based on RCR’s, Stayed’s, etc.  Their stories are not a TV drama script our real lives follow. 

It is wise to see how much mirror work RCR and Stayed had done.  That is one safe aspect to extrapolate onto our lives - If one focuses on her self and grow, we will be fine and live meaningfully regardless of M outcome. 

It is my folly to invest my time and energy on this thread as I should have learned from my experience.  A moment of reflection for myself.  ‘Fixer’ tendency is resurfacing, maybe.

Added later: Just read Stayed’s comment after posting mine.  Agree, leave her to it. 

[xyzcf]

Thanks Stayed, I agree.

I do see a positive in answering mego concerning the need to focus on herself, protect her finances, obtain education/training to be able to take care of herself and that is for other LBSers, especially those who are so totally shocked about what has happened to their lives that they don't know which direction to turn to.

So many long time LBSers are expressing to the newer members...please take care of yourselves!!!! Through the pain and the sadness, reach down and find that small energy that will propell you forward in life. The years pass quickly and opportunities to insure that you will be able to live a decent life are necessary to focus on.....I have seen many people here do great things with their lives and we are on the whole, an amazing bunch of men and women who rise above this.

So take control over your life!!!!

Find your "passion", love your family, get a pet, do some volunteer work and explore the beauty in this world. Your spouse cannot be the only reason for you to be living.