[Mortesbride]

Man oh man two pages worth..where to start.

''I just know this man all too well...''

I think anyone who is on this MLC forum still saying this needs to check their ego. We know who they WERE. We have no idea who they ARE. If you knew this man to well you would know about his MLC, his taking you to court, his assaults...whatever. Right now all of us are John Snow. We know nothing. We are all casual observers in this process. The best we can hope for is to seek guidance from those who walked the path before us.

I too am a SAHM, with three small children all under the age of 9. I spend all day cooking, cleaning, picking the youngest up from Nursery...I run the house hold, pay the bills, and buy the groceries.  Then every night when the kids go to bed I spend my evenings studying to make sure that me and my kids have a future, irrelevant to Beast. I would NEVER EVER put my financial future in his hands again. Bad enough we made that mistake once, why on Earth would you do it again? This world (and your MLCer) owe you nothing financially. You need to fight and support yourself or you will get left behind.

''I am playing devil's advocate, if nothing else..''

Some may call it that. Some call it stirring the pot for drama. Take your pick.


For what it is worth I do not think it is the spouses FAULT that the MLCer leaves or runs off...but I do see Goner's point that our CIRCUMSTANCES do play a part. I know for certain that part of the draw for Beast is the lack of responsibility. If he runs off to be with OW he no longer has to be a full time father, make sure the bills are payed, the food is on the table, the kids are well behaved....he doesn't have to deal with sick kids or crying or anything that comes with family life. By running away it wasn't just dropping me as a wife, it was dropping his responsibility to be a grown up. Now he can be ''free'' and ''single'' and see his kids when it suits him. That absolutely plays a part. Is that mine or the kids fault? No. It is a problem within himself that HE can't handle his responsibility as a husband and father. So circumstances can play a part in triggering/fuelling the MLC, without it being the spouse's fault.

[stayed]

Exactly Acorn and XYZ!  Surviving this nightmare is probably one of my top 10 achievements, my children being #1. I really like the person I became. I'll always have more to do on myself but I'm pretty tickled with the person who looks back at me from the mirror each morning. I'm inspired by the men and women I've met due to this situation.  They are proof that truly GOOD people exist.

The one thing you have always expressed so well XYZ is the NEED to protect yourself, financially physically and mentally. Sadly Mego chooses to believe that we are being mean and that our intentions are not sincere and honourable. When a person adopts that mindset we need to do as Acorn said, withdraw our "fixer" instincts and take them to a person who wants to help themselves.

Many of you are just too giving (I know who ever would have thought that would be a"flaw"). When Mego truly wants to help herself, she'll seek us out. Until then, save your energy for where it will do the most good.

Hugs

[stayed]

Wow, Mortesbride... WOW! Beautifully said, Evert single word!

Hugs Stayed

Forgot, I wanted to respond to this quote of yours Mortesbride....
''I just know this man all too well...''   I think anyone who is on this MLC forum still saying this needs to check their ego. We know who they WERE. We have no idea who they ARE. If you knew this man to well you would know about his MLC, his taking you to court, his assaults...whatever.

This always drove me nuts when LBS's would say this...for me, that is what bothered me the most.... I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE this man who had been my husband for almost 30 years.... AT ALL!!!  I couldn't believe that this was the man I had been married to for 28 years!!  So good to see somebody else admitting to this. 

Again... well said... hugs

[Acorn]

Ditto what you said, Stayed.  I did not know who this changed person was.  It was just someone wearing H’s skin suit.

If a Leaver has clearly shown that he is more or less the same as before and can be relied on to do the right thing,  MLCer, he is not.

I do see a positive in answering mego concerning the need to focus on herself, protect her finances, obtain education/training to be able to take care of herself and that is for other LBSers, especially those who are so totally shocked about what has happened to their lives that they don't know which direction to turn to.

How many times have the good people on HS talked about the same things? 

10 times?  50?  100? 

The result seems to be the same every time - Back to square 1.

Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Maybe, just maybe, withdrawing all attention, either positive or negative, is what the doctor ordered?

My last post on this thread.  No more attention to it, for what it’s worth.

[megogirl]

We know who they WERE. We have no idea who they ARE. If you knew this man to well you would know about his MLC, his taking you to court, his assaults...whatever. Right now all of us are John Snow. We know nothing. We are all casual observers in this process. The best we can hope for is to seek guidance from those who walked the path before us.

Right.....except the person we knew IS the person that they are.  This person is a stranger.  The thing inhabiting his body right now is not XH.  I totally concur with that assessment. 

But I also try to think in the "present tense", that is, real H is lost in an abyss.  However, "what is lost, can be found." -RCR   

Onward, and upwards.

[New Day Rising]

I agree with everyone. I can't see the value to your life by waiting for your husband to return. It's time to focus on YOU and your kids, if you have them.
I worked so hard before BD. After BD, I took a step back to re-evaluate and take stock of what I was doing. I was burning myself into the ground.

I reduced my hours, but I still have my career, but I now have time for my kids too. I got a dog. Always wanted one. My work/life balance is so much better. I am calmer. I am not so stressed.

In return, it has helped my mental health. I no longer worry about my ex returning. I ended the drama by only using text message to discuss the kids. Hand over of the kids is quick and we're polite. I removed myself from it all.

I thought I knew my ex so well too, but I did learn pretty early on that my ex was no longer someone I knew. He was gone. My boss once asked me a question about my ex and my reply was 'I don't know. I don't know him anymore'. She replied 'Yeah, you're right. He turned into a different person'.

What makes them finally quit depends on many things. I think my ex has wanted to come home in the past, but I'm not here to be messed around. I think he'd still try, but like I say, I'm not here to be messed around and wait for him to decide.

It's time to put the big girl pants on and address the situation and sort out your actions, rather than focus on your ex/husband's actions.

[megogirl]

Sadly Mego chooses to believe that we are being mean and that our intentions are not sincere and honourable.

This is factually incorrect.

There are only a small handful of posters that are outright antagonistic/mean.  I would say taking the time to concoct a list of my negative attributes is quite mean.  (And, I think the fact that "has MS" was listed as one of those only speaks for itself!)  Burn-book, anyone?

Everyone else is fine, and I listen to everything.

It's just that I started this thread hoping to understand what your H meant when he said he feared that you were "slipping away."

[megogirl]

I thought I knew my ex so well too, but I did learn pretty early on that my ex was no longer someone I knew. He was gone.

Correction: your MLC'er is "lost, not gone." - RCR

[UrsaMajor]

I thought I knew my ex so well too, but I did learn pretty early on that my ex was no longer someone I knew. He was gone.

Correction: your MLC'er is "lost, not gone." - RCR

Mego that's what Stayed was talking about when she referred to cherry picking.... And Personal interpretation to make the comment fit.

The Mid-Lifer may be "Lost" and not "Gone" but the fact remains that, when they find themselves, just as when the LBS comes to the other side of our journey, we are NOT the same person we were.

"One doesn't make the trip to hell and back without acquiring transferable skills."

However, as you noted, this thread was to answer a specific question, not to start a new story thread.

Can we PLEASE get back on topic before someone has to close this thread and move it?

[in it]

Well what makes them finally quit? Hmmm

For me I had to find out whatever it was that scared the ever lovin' daylight right out of the ex. And it wasn't losing me.

Which amidst the drama, I figured out it was the authorities.
.
It was the only way I got any peace or time to think or heal. I had to threaten to have him arrested.

Pretty bad when you have to go that far.