[RedStar]

Regarding the adoration from the ow. I believe that changes too and is often what brings about the end of that relationship.  H's ow was all accepting at the beginning.  She called H "her sexy drunk man".  I mean really!!.  Now, she doesn't want to date a married man (in other words get a divorce).  H told me this and said that he'd suggested to her that it was a bit late for that.  This is a standard that I hold and it is accepted and admired by my H.  This is a standard that she is now trying to hold and it is being scowled at.    The ow can't suddenly start making the MLCer feel bad about their choices or standards. That is not the position she was hired for.  She either has to put up with the mediocre crumbs she was happy getting at the beginning or get out.  The crumbs at the beginning probably felt better because he wasn't looking over his shoulder at me.  I am betting she is feeling the difference now which is why she is trying to sure things up with him a bit.  DOH!

Fascinating stuff, h&f!

[Anon]

I'm just musing and what's posted below are some of my own opinions and conclusions 'for the moment'.   It could change tomorrow.   

I think I’m interested in this topic for a couple of reasons.   First,,,as part of my healing and letting go journey I need to find some understanding, compassion and then forgiveness in order to shut the door once an for all on this painful period in my life.    Otherwise, the ‘what the hell happened’ of this time in my life might always occupy some headspace whether I like it or not.     

The second part is just plain and simple curiosity.    It’s the biggest mystery of my life - the wtf happened and why?   If I don’t need to know but just accept it, then fine,,, I do accept.   But I also want to know and understand because that’s simply my nature.   I love a good mystery.   It doesn’t mean I am still emotionally attached, just curious.   Like Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking were curious about the workings of the universe.   They didn’t cry in their pillow every night about it but they loved a good mystery and pursued it.    I have a psychology background so it’s natural I would be curious about the workings of the human mind especially when I have had a front row ticket to a lot of the goings on and the great damage caused.   But unlike Einstein or Hawking, I don't plan to make a career of it.   

For me and my h,,, the dynamic between us has absolutely changed and likely forever.   We’ve both changed and even though there may be a kernel of nostalgia about the life we once shared, and I know it’s gone forever.   It’s doubtful if the current dynamic between us would even support a friendship in the future.   But I still dwell on what was because it was good, and my therapist says I don’t need to understand it all but I do need to find compassion and forgiveness of my H to end the thoughts that always seem to be nearby.   

To answer the discussion question…. I think the affair does both - it hinders and helps but at different stages.    Someone in MLC is someone that cannot engage in introspection to work through what ails them.    That leaves external solutions.    I don’t know why that external solution has to be a romantic relationship when its a parent they have the unresolved issues with, but that’s what seems to be the case.   These MLCers meet someone who shares many traits of the parent with the most conflict.    It’s true in my H’s case.   His ow is hot and cold.   More cold when around other people, almost like she doesn’t want to let on to anyone how much she is into him, but when alone she often makes him feel like he’s the only man in the world.,,, as long as he does what she expects of him, and from what I've heard it's a hit and miss endeavor.   So this is the aspect that is similar to how it was with his mother.   She was quite dismissive of him, emotionally cold, emotional cruel, emotionally manipulative and so is his ow.   To this day he is a conflict avoiding people pleaser and always has been from a young age.   Craving his mother’s attention and barely getting a taste of it because she withheld it frequently and unpredictably.   This is why his ow can keep him hooked - by being exactly the same way.   

Is this how they choose their mlc partner then?   Or is it really because the ow is simply available as we often hear, or is it because they can recreate an unhealthy dynamic that needs fixing?   And this person also needs to be available because I think that part of the equation does need to be true.   Maybe it’s a mutual need to recreate some dynamic that fits for them both??   idk…   In this sense I think the relationship does help them in their crisis.   If they can only deal with issues externally, is there any other choice that through an unhealthy relationship?   A healthy relationship would not work because the original conflicted relationship was not healthy. 

Many people grow up with some major or minor conflict with one or both parents.   Dealing with the conflict means standing up for yourself, laying down boundaries to your parents who may not have treated you so well, and refusing to take any more abuse from them.  It takes great courage and emotional strength to do that with your parents but once done you can move forward with some kind of relationship peace.   If you manage to do that before you reach mid-life then you may not need a substitute down the road in the form of ow/om during an MLC. 

If you couldn’t do that with your parents, then a substitute in the form of ow/om may appear so you can have another stab at breaking free by standing up for yourself, laying down boundaries and refusing to take further abuse.   This is their chance to resolve the conflict - by breaking free from the emotional bonds.    So they need the ow/om to get this done.   They pick them so they can find the emotional strength to break free from them.    They don’t always succeed but stay entrapped and this is when the relationship with the AP holds them back from their journey.   They get stuck here because they can’t find the strength to break free.

I think the fact that ow/om are personality disordered is no accident, in fact it may be a requirement.   Some of the most damaged adults were raised by personality disordered parents.   To recreate that dynamic obviously a similarly disordered person is required.   These are not easy relationships to get out of but neither is it easy to break free from the dysfunctional parent relationship either.   If the ow/om relationship didn’t match closely enough then it wouldn’t be recreating the dynamic and it would then be easy to say bye bye to the AP but the original issues would remain instead of be resolved. 

So the MLCer gets stuck in the AP relationship when they fail to grow in maturity and emotional strength, just like they failed to do with the parental relationship they had conflict with.   They can’t fix the relationship or the dynamic but they must find the strength to pull away and make peace with it, otherwise MLC may continue until they do. 

Personally, I do think the affair is absolutely necessary in a MLC.    Without it what is the alternative external solution for those who can’t do it internally?    Believing this is true can give me some comfort knowing that the crisis really wasn’t about me or the marriage.   It also may lead to some compassion for the MLCer who unconsciously sets out to fix things but just can’t get there.   But I believe they did try through the ow/om albeit unconsciously to them and painfully to us.   If they could have chosen the outcome from the beginning of their MLC, I wonder how differently things would have turned out.   In my h’s case, I believe I know the answer.   In the early days,,, he was very aware the decisions he eventually made were not the ones he wanted to make.  He was so scared and clung to me like a drowning rat to a life boat.   He wanted so bad to not be drawn further into this R with the AP and said so many times but his strength was no match for the pull and eventually he let go and gave in from what may have been emotional exhaustion.    He has a life of sorts now with OW but she's in control just like his mother was once in control and he does what he knows from earlier patterns to gain her fickle approval.   His new life is nothing like it was or could have been if he found the strength he needed to break free.    And he knows it.   He tells me in various different ways.   So I have found some compassion for him and his struggle through MLC.   Next is forgiveness and once I’ve got that down…. I can let go too.   And stop ruminating about wtf happened and just live and enjoy my own new life.   I don't know who can help him now but it sure isn't me.  I doubt he is even aware of the gilded cage he's in and the similarity to his past, so he likely doesn't want help either.  He's doing his best to make the most of the life he's got now likely knowing that it's not as good as he once had.   But that pull to fix the past is still strong so it may be a decent trade off to him until one day he makes steps to emotional mature and gain enough strength to fight back and break free.   

All this above is just mho fwiw and is a conglomerate of all I've read and absorbed along the way since BD.   If I'm repeating it here it must mean it makes sense to me at some level otherwise I would have forgotten it by now as I have with so much else I've read.  Regardless it doesn't mean it's anything more than a bunch of personal thoughts.   I am always open to opposing thoughts and theories about the mystery of MLC. 

[barbiedoll]

MLCers have far more than an affair, they live, or even marry OW/OM.

.

Not ALL MLCers have "far more than affairs ". Mine did not. He never moved in with her when it would have been the easiest thing to do. He rented a room. Obviously, he never married her . S&D ? Her husband had an affair...never left home. Acorn ? Same thing , never even left home. I am not sure why you say that as if it was fact...it is not .

Totally hinder the crisis

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I disagree. She plays a part in the resolution of buried trauma . I am not sure if it has any influence or impact on how fast or slow any of it goes. BUT, if it is true , that the vast majority of MLC men have affairs ( if not all of them) then there is a reason or purpose for this that we cannot possibly understand or explain unless we are a JUNG expert. But if she is "necessary" etc ...to move thru trauma and FOO issues...then the sooner the better. Not sure if those words reflect what I am trying to say. We know that they can get "stuck" anywhere in the tunnel, which would impact the length of this crisis.

Not all high energy MLCers have affairs.

It is factually accepted the by far men in MLC have affairs . I am not sure there is any point or statistics that prove " wallowers" have more affairs than "high energy MLCers" or visa versa. ALL of them in crisis are more likely than not...going to have affairs . Fact. 

affairs aren't of much use. They also don't seem to be of any, if much, use for a MLCer.

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As much as I would love this to be true , it simply is not. There is far FAR more evidence, professional writings, research, explanations to prove your "opinion" incorrect and based on your experience only. Where is the evidence or proof that this is true ? It is not .

I am still to know a real life MLCer that has tried to work any issues with OW/OM.

.

Wow. You would have no idea whatsoever what goes on between 2 people in ANY relationship...unless you are a fly on the wall. All that happens is "subconscious " ..a process of change and resolution that is deep inside an individual that is in some internal war or crisis. It is not surface conversations in any way shape or form . It is a process of individuation and personal awakening that cannot be seen or altered by another person. It is a far deeper individual process ...not a joint venture that they can "work on". These are 2 broken people ..one of them in a deeply painful transition. It is a mystery that we cannot understand unless we have been in that place...

[barbiedoll]

Personally, I do think the affair is absolutely necessary in a MLC.    Without it what is the alternative external solution for those who can’t do it internally?    Believing this is true can give me some comfort knowing that the crisis really wasn’t about me or the marriage.

.

Brilliant !

[Savoir Faire]

Thanks for all you've written in the last few posts Barbie, I agree 100%. The affair is such a painful part for every LBS but without it, there may be no way back for the MLCer.

I do wish there was an easier way for our loved ones to get through this but having a good understanding of why the affair is necessary and that we were never the problem, is a good start to having a compassionate understanding while the crisis goes on.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

To answer the discussion question…. I think the affair does both - it hinders and helps but at different stages.    Someone in MLC is someone that cannot engage in introspection to work through what ails them.    That leaves external solutions.    I don’t know why that external solution has to be a romantic relationship when its a parent they have the unresolved issues with, but that’s what seems to be the case.   These MLCers meet someone who shares many traits of the parent with the most conflict.    It’s true in my H’s case.   His ow is hot and cold.   More cold when around other people, almost like she doesn’t want to let on to anyone how much she is into him, but when alone she often makes him feel like he’s the only man in the world.,,, as long as he does what she expects of him, and from what I've heard it's a hit and miss endeavor.   So this is the aspect that is similar to how it was with his mother.   She was quite dismissive of him, emotionally cold, emotional cruel, emotionally manipulative and so is his ow.   To this day he is a conflict avoiding people pleaser and always has been from a young age.   Craving his mother’s attention and barely getting a taste of it because she withheld it frequently and unpredictably.   This is why his ow can keep him hooked - by being exactly the same way.   

Is this how they choose their mlc partner then?   Or is it really because the ow is simply available as we often hear, or is it because they can recreate an unhealthy dynamic that needs fixing?   And this person also needs to be available because I think that part of the equation does need to be true.   Maybe it’s a mutual need to recreate some dynamic that fits for them both??   idk…   In this sense I think the relationship does help them in their crisis.   If they can only deal with issues externally, is there any other choice that through an unhealthy relationship?   A healthy relationship would not work because the original conflicted relationship was not healthy. 

Many people grow up with some major or minor conflict with one or both parents.   Dealing with the conflict means standing up for yourself, laying down boundaries to your parents who may not have treated you so well, and refusing to take any more abuse from them.  It takes great courage and emotional strength to do that with your parents but once done you can move forward with some kind of relationship peace.   If you manage to do that before you reach mid-life then you may not need a substitute down the road in the form of ow/om during an MLC. 

If you couldn’t do that with your parents, then a substitute in the form of ow/om may appear so you can have another stab at breaking free by standing up for yourself, laying down boundaries and refusing to take further abuse.   This is their chance to resolve the conflict - by breaking free from the emotional bonds.    So they need the ow/om to get this done.   They pick them so they can find the emotional strength to break free from them.    They don’t always succeed but stay entrapped and this is when the relationship with the AP holds them back from their journey.   They get stuck here because they can’t find the strength to break free.

I think the fact that ow/om are personality disordered is no accident, in fact it may be a requirement.   Some of the most damaged adults were raised by personality disordered parents.   To recreate that dynamic obviously a similarly disordered person is required.   These are not easy relationships to get out of but neither is it easy to break free from the dysfunctional parent relationship either.   If the ow/om relationship didn’t match closely enough then it wouldn’t be recreating the dynamic and it would then be easy to say bye bye to the AP but the original issues would remain instead of be resolved. 

So the MLCer gets stuck in the AP relationship when they fail to grow in maturity and emotional strength, just like they failed to do with the parental relationship they had conflict with.   They can’t fix the relationship or the dynamic but they must find the strength to pull away and make peace with it, otherwise MLC may continue until they do. 

Personally, I do think the affair is absolutely necessary in a MLC.    Without it what is the alternative external solution for those who can’t do it internally?    Believing this is true can give me some comfort knowing that the crisis really wasn’t about me or the marriage.   It also may lead to some compassion for the MLCer who unconsciously sets out to fix things but just can’t get there.   But I believe they did try through the ow/om albeit unconsciously to them and painfully to us.   If they could have chosen the outcome from the beginning of their MLC, I wonder how differently things would have turned out.   In my h’s case, I believe I know the answer.   In the early days,,, he was very aware the decisions he eventually made were not the ones he wanted to make.  He was so scared and clung to me like a drowning rat to a life boat.   He wanted so bad to not be drawn further into this R with the AP and said so many times but his strength was no match for the pull and eventually he let go and gave in from what may have been emotional exhaustion.    He has a life of sorts now with OW but she's in control just like his mother was once in control and he does what he knows from earlier patterns to gain her fickle approval.   His new life is nothing like it was or could have been if he found the strength he needed to break free.    And he knows it.   He tells me in various different ways.   So I have found some compassion for him and his struggle through MLC.   Next is forgiveness and once I’ve got that down…. I can let go too.   And stop ruminating about wtf happened and just live and enjoy my own new life.   I don't know who can help him now but it sure isn't me.  I doubt he is even aware of the gilded cage he's in and the similarity to his past, so he likely doesn't want help either.  He's doing his best to make the most of the life he's got now likely knowing that it's not as good as he once had.   But that pull to fix the past is still strong so it may be a decent trade off to him until one day he makes steps to emotional mature and gain enough strength to fight back and break free.   

This is it! You've cracked the code! Obviously, therapy would be a much better solution than an affair but therapy is not an option for MLCers so the affair becomes a necessary part of their attempt to heal. But, it also extends the crisis because the AP does everything possible to prevent the MLCer from healing. It's best for the AP to keep the MLCer just as they are at BD.

[Anjae]

No, Barbie, not all. However, it is rare the MLCer who has an affair and does not leave and live with OW/OM as seen on HS, and in my case, real life.

My view, and the view of all real life MLCer I know who had OW/OM is that they were not solving anything. They had a crisis and an affair because they felt old and wanted to capture lost youth. Their affair sorted nothing, only brought them more problems, the loss of their marriage and LBS, them feeling like rubish, etc.. Which is the same as in HS, most here will never reconcile, most of our MLCers will lost marriage and LBS.

I don't see, and has never seen, MLC the way many here tend to see it. I see it as a result of stress, anxiety, depression and fear of aging/losing out.

I know the Jungs' theories. That is how I arrived to HS by googling Jung + MLC. The theories are very beautiful, poetic even, but they are just that, old theories that are not possible to prove and that certainly do not match what every single real life MLCer I know who got involved with OW said to me. It also does not match Mr J's "I only had now to do this" or my wallower's cousin despair of being old (at 37, Mr J was 36 when he left) and wanting a new life and wife. My cousin never left, never had OW.

After my cousin hit rock bottom I spend a very long time going with him to my friend who his a psychiatrist. All my cousin mentioned was age, he was 37 and stil didn't had this that and those, that was his problem and why he become depressed and in crisis.

You experience is different than mine. I am still to see a real life whose affair was of any use. I don't know a single one. The only use was make them lose their marriage and LBS.

I believe what the former MLCers told me. I have no reason not to. Just like people on HS believe people who have had a MLC and post about it. Since the real life MLCers I know spoke about their crisis and their reasons, I would say they know what they are talking about. They had no reason to lie. If anything, they may not want to talk about. They were very open about it.

Have in mind I had a MLC myself. For me was no individuation, no deep issues. There was stress, depression, anxiety, made much worst by my going out and about and going up and down hill like a mad woman. Being quiet would had been a much better option as well as had been given anti-anxiety meds even before Mr J left when my anxiety was already over the roof. I solved no problems. I have been in that place. I know a bit how it is like.

If my own experience and the experiences of real life MLCer I know do not match the view many have on HS, there is nothing I can do about it. It is mine and these people's experiences.

What good did the affair brought you and your husband? He was gone for 6 months because you kicked him out, as been back for years and you still stuggle with his affair and MLC. Reading your threads there does not seem a single good thing brought by your husband's MLC or affair.

Since most will never reconcile and the main reason tends to be the affair, exactly what good did the affair served?

How does OW/OM helps when MLCers spend years on end, over a decade even, having OW/OM, or several OW/OM and still remain in Replay? If OW/OM were to be of help, certainly the MLC would be shorter.

I think LBS like to make it all far more complicated than it is because it allows them to avoid, or try to avoid, a very simple fact, our spouse choose to become involved with someone and totally stop caring about us.

MLC has nothing to do with the marriage or the LBS. Still does not change the fact the affair does not help. Be it the MLCer's crisis or the chances or reconnection or reconciliation.

Also, forgiveness and the affair and all the rest that comes with MLC are different things.

The affair is such a painful part for every LBS but without it, there may be no way back for the MLCer.

The affair is usually the may reason why there will be no reconnection or reconciliation. I am not talking only about HS members, but people in real life as well. It is the affair who prevents the MLCer from coming back to the LBS because the most LBS will not want the MLCer, mostly because of the affair.

I do wish there was an easier way for our loved ones to get through this but having a good understanding of why the affair is necessary and that we were never the problem, is a good start to having a compassionate understanding while the crisis goes on.

There is. Don't get involved in an affair. If you (the MLCer) do, you (the MLCer) have to be fully ready to accept the consequences of the affair = for most never to reconcile or even to reconnect. If people think it is worthy to lose the LBS, so be it. However, all real life MLCer I know who lost marriage and LBS do not thought it was worthy. We are not the problem.

OW/OM are not always personality disordered. Our MLCer is, while in crisis, often far more personality and/or mood disordered.

I find it interesting you guys are so cool with the affair being so, so necessary, yet, several, if not, most of you, are deeply upset and disturbed by the affair. If I think something is absolutly necessary I am not going to be upset or disturbed by it.


P.S. If the affair was truly necessary for MLC/the MLCer all MLCers would need to have an affair. That is not true, some do not have an affair. They still have a MLC and come of it. Often faster than the ones who have one, or several affairs. And, of course, the MLCer who do not have an affair do not have to deal with the issues the affair causes.

[Treasur]

As Brain says, I suppose that is one of the hindering factors. The relationship was created to meet the needs of two folks at the time it was forged....so if the MLCer ever starts to recover and needs to stop running, their needs will change and the dynamic of the relationship would need to change too. I guess in some cases it does and in others it either ends or the MLCer gets stuck in it and wears a new mask.

Makes you wonder too I suppose why they were drawn to us and what we represented and represent now that they are no longer the same person in crisis or even after their crisis? I think my h valued my honesty and courage and kindness and optimism...a lot of the Babe stuff he didn't have...probably loved my father for the same reason i suspect. It made him feel safe and it was who he wanted to be probably.  Until he didn't or couldn't. I've always felt that part of his hatred for me is that subconsciously he felt that I failed him in some way, that I/we didn't keep the demons away forever. Not rational or fair I know but weirdly makes sense. And perhaps he feels that ow either does that or that she likes his demons or shares them or understands them...idk. But it makes sense too that he can't see me without seeing a mirror of who he was vs who he became and that would be pretty uncomfortable. But I guess that the affair is a place to either hide the demons or bring them out to play....still nothing to do with us really bc they were never our demons. I remember on one of the MLC checklists there was something about the MLCer seeing us as part of themselves as opposed to a separate person in our own right...perhaps the affair is similar, just a different part of themselves? I guess it helps if that enables them to explore and choose who they are independently of either us or the AP....but hinders if they simply transfer the dependence from us to the AP. Makes me wonder sometimes if they are really capable of loving anyone - as I understand love - at all whether us or the AP. I suppose that is part of their challenge too in working out who they are really when there is no one else around....just as we LBS often are forced to do.

Maybe too why some of us painfully detach and find enough good love (for ourselves and them) to let them go with love and respect while they rage and ignore and spew and blame and complain often for years after they apparently have what they said they wanted....perhaps they carry us with them for a long time...or see us as the guardian in some way of part of themselves. Idk. It is all very odd though isn't it? Don't you find yourself longing for the days when love and fun and joy seemed MUCH easier? 

As Anjae says though, there may be some common script but not all MLCers are the same so logically the affair may serve different purposes. Our sample sizes individually are necessarily different and my experience is not identical to someone else's bc our MLC spouses are also unique individuals. And yes too, for many LBS, it breaks something and makes the situation much worse and even for the MLCer can make things worse in the sense that it brings other obligations or costs or practical barriers to things they are half-heartedly trying to keep as an option b or adapt to fit their new circumstances like relationships with their kids. And yes too, the simple truth - putting all the complex speculation aside - is that our spouses chose to discard their marriages and old lives in order to get whatever they felt they were getting from ow/om. Varying degrees of investment maybe....but when they made that choice, they didn't love us or care about the impact on anyone else or value their marriages or old lives. They wanted something else....and usually if not always to burn every bridge.... time and karma will show them I suppose if that turned out to be a good choice or not. For some, maybe it will be? Idk. Or maybe like most LBS, they will find a way to make new lemonade from lemons 

[Anjae]

Makes you wonder too I suppose why they were drawn to us and what we represented and represent now that they are no longer the same person in crisis or even after their crisis?

What makes a 17 and an 18 years old drawn to each other? They like each other. We also were similar in our tastes and interests and Mr J was not a drinking party kid like most 17 years old teens. We are also attracked to each other, physically speaking.

To me it is faily pointless to spend time thinking what draw to kids to each other.

What I represented: I was "the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, the person who he created many things with, including several groundbreaking ones". He told me this when asked him that very question in early 2008 after OW1 was no more. He also add "but that is all in the past". What do I represent to his crisis self? Someone he wants to get rid of, not matter the means. Never mind he got rid of me, or rather I got away and come home, over a decade ago.

Mr J and I were as dependent of each other as any couple should be. Independent enough, but interdependent enough for things to work. In a relationship, no one can be 100% independent. He was far more dependent of OW1 for some things and of OW2 for others than he ever was of me. He put the legal issues on OW2's hand and depended of her to take care of his legal matters. He depended of OW1 to provide saccharine adolation, a thing his depressed self loved, but that his real self detest.

The AP to me is merely the person that was willing. Also the person that, for some odd reason, our MLCer ends up trusting with decisions that should only belong to our spouse. Never wasted much time with Mr J's OW1 or OW2. None of them helped his crisis. Then again, he also didn't do a thing to help his crisis. And, in his cases, if OW1 and OW2 did not help, his MLC lifestyle and friends hindered the whole thing big time.

Or maybe like most LBS, they will find a way to make new lemonade from lemons 

Since most marriages will not reconcile, the after crisis MLCer will have to make new lemonade from lemons. Or maybe strawberry lemonade. 

Another thing I find interesting, RCR created HS with a sample size of one, her husband. HB start writing about MLC with a sample size of two, her husband and herself. They're considered MLC "gospel". Yet, several of us have far bigger real life sample sizes than RCR or HB, yet, what we say the real life MLCers we know told us and/or our own experience, is often dismissed because it does not fit HS main narrative. Cleary and logically, one cannot take from granted a sample size or one or two and totally discart bigger sample sizes.

[sachat3]

I really love these discussion points because my view changes. When I first saw this thread I was thinking “nope Ow is nothing like Clingtons mum. Clingtons mum is kind caring and loving with a heart of gold. Her whole life was devoted to her kids. Ow is a completely obsessed nut job who still acts like she’s in a teenage relationship” but the more I read the more I change my view.

Clingtons dad was a very flirty kind of man. I’m not sure he ever was unfaithful to his mum but I know it’s well spoken about, so no hidden secret, that Clingtons dad had a bit of a crush on one of Clingtons mums friends. And it was always the joke that looks wise, these two women were polar opposites. It’s clear Clingtons dad loved his mum very much. However he did have a crush on a woman who was polar opposite to his wife. Ow is polar opposite to me.

Clingtons mum was and is a deeply loving mother. Whatever she did her kids were always at the forefront of her mind. She loves with everything she has. Clingtons father was away a lot with work. He would be away a few weeks. Home again. Away again. Home again etc. And when away his mum probably tried to make up for his dad being away. Then when Clington was 15. His dad suddenly died. And I think from this point on, Clington became a spoilt brat as MIL would let him do whatever he wished because she was probably trying anything to make him feel better as his dad had just died. This whole thing NEVER left. Clingtons mum has ALWAYS been the fall back plan. The plan B. His attitude is very much “Oh mum will help me out”. Clington left his girlfriend before me. And needed to finish paying the bills. He didn’t have the money. So MIL went over and gave her the money. Me and Clington wanted to move into our house but the deposit was more than we saved up. MIL to the rescue. Clington lost his job and we couldn’t afford the rent. MIL to the rescue. Clington wanted a new career as a truck driver. Which means he needed a new drivers license and lessons etc etc. Costing over £3,000. MIL to the rescue. Clington wants to learn to ride a motorbike. MIL to the rescue.

When me and Clington first got together, I was 18. I was young and in love. So I devoted almost everything to him. I would write gushy Facebook status’s about how much I loved him. I would always upload pictures of our days our together etc etc. The feeling was mutual and Clington did the exact same back to me. Then I got pregnant with D7 and naturally my gushy status’s were no longer about Clington. They were about D7. My focus went from him to her and then subsequently her sisters.

Then MLC struck. And I couldn’t see the resemblance of Ow in MIL. However I do now.

One month into their relationship. Clingtons car broke. MIL was away on holiday and miraculously he had the money to fix it and some extra. He even took me and D2 for dinner with the spare cash. I laughed! From what I can see Ow gushes about Clington. There was even a point where he sent her a snap chat selfie and she screenshottes it and uploaded “how amazing does my man look”. I noticed Ow commenting on his pics on Instagram “my boyfriend looks amazing” and I think he got off on that. That someone like his mother, was completely all about him.