[In this for ME]

Thank you Forthetrees for this informative website and info!

1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.
(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.

(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.

(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.

(5) Instead of saying what we DON'T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.

(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we'd like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.

(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone's opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

( Instead of saying "No," say what need of ours prevents us from saying "Yes."

(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.

(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

This link is indentfying feelings and there is another lik for needs

IMHO As basic as this whole thing sounds it is still an eye opener for self -discovery. I've always found to be able to identify a feeling or what the root of the feeling is makes me feel more at ease with it.

[LearningIamOk]

Init, I'm not so sure this is so basic, at least for me.  Especially number 10.  I think if every one used that one, it would stop creating people pleasers.  I for one am a huge people pleaser.

[In this for ME]

I agree. It's tough to rethink how to say things. It's an unexcersed muscle.
I used it the other day with EXH.  I put it in an email as he had sent me one regarding my late night drive by. I said:

It made me happy when you said I must have been pretty upset to do that-because I was.

I hoped I was letting him know that I appreciated that he recognized my behavior as being "out of character" And it was very freeing for me to admit quietly that I was upset both in speaking to him and then to be able to express it again in the email.

I was happy again when I read this list as I hadn't read it before I expressed myself.

 I have been reading a lot on how to communicate more lovingly. I try to do it with everyone now including the girls-however I still cut loose on here with the anger and such that I feel. I know it would only upset the girls if the only place I vented was here at  home. And I know it would do more damage than good in ExH's direction.

So unfortunatly all the good people here get the brunt of how I feel when I get totally PO'ed. 

[LearningIamOk]

Init, Your expressions of anger here are fine with me.   I get a real charge out of your venting because I feel the same way so often.  It makes me feel normal.  I am going to have to visit that site, because it will serve me well at my job.  I know I upset one of the young girls on Fri and  she is such a love, but she has been micro managing the teller transactions and I finally said to her " do you want to do this?" and she got real quiet and miserable for the rest of the day.  She has brought so much joy to me on the job and this  MLC crap just puts my tolerance level near zero.  I will have to do something nice for her to make up for it.

[whyme2]

Trying.....

A nice gesture to her will speak volumes to her.  She knows your plight, knows and understands your tolerance level is low.  Do something nice to/for her and request she pay it forward.....watch the smile on her face.  It will totally change the atmosphere.....kindness always prevails!!!!

[LearningIamOk]

WM2,

Thanks for the pat on the back.  I don't like to be miserable to be around and she is so upbeat it really made me upset with myself to hurt her so.  She has made me laugh when I would have rather been crying.  She is very overweight for being 27 and she would love to be in a relationship, but even tho' she is hispanic and the men in that community are more tolerant of weight issues, she finds herself alone and I know it makes her sad.

So I will try to find something to show her she is special and boost her mood.