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Author Topic: Discussion The 3-4 Year Marker

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Discussion Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#10: June 11, 2019, 12:43:11 AM
where you are/were as the LBS, the progress you've made and what life is like at 3-4 years?

My xh was diagnosed with a depressive breakdown in Oct 15 which was when life became like Alice in Wonderland but my BD was May 16. Pretty much everything external is different now. I am divorced, living in a new little house by the sea and even cat-less for the first time in over 20 years. Most of my old life was obliterated tbh and PTSD added to that for a while. For a long time truthfully I didn't care much about anything at all including myself. I am no longer depressed and no longer have PTSD.  Took me about a year to accept that he was a risk to my sanity and wellbeing. Took me about 2 years I think to accept that my h was gone and that there was no way back bc I believed - rightly or wrongly - that the person I knew simply no longer existed, that this was not going to change. Which is weird bc I believe the anecdotal reports back from recovering MLCers but seem not to believe that they apply to my Xh. I accepted reality and am now post-PTSD facing reality and dealing with it if that makes sense.

I am calmer now, and I sleep a little better. I feel older but look younger strangely. I have lived in the now for about 6 months and recently started to make plans for my future, albeit cautiously. I am not interested in a new relationship; that bit of me seems to still be rather dormant but I am interested in life again and starting slowly to GAL and come out of my own hidey-hole! Lots of acceptance...layers of it. Probably my last bit of residual work is working out my own assessment of 'what the hell happened' but that is no longer about what happened to my h and more about finding peace with what happened to me. I suppose I feel as if I have licked my wounds enough and that what happened is behind me as opposed to in my present day to day life; happened rather than happening. And I would never want to invite the horror of it back into my life again for any reason...even the idea of it makes me feel a bit sick, the cruelty my h had in him was profoundly shocking to me and I want a cruelty-free life. So I am ok, moving forward, no longer broken and feeling like myself again. I am alone but not lonely and probably just starting to itch for new humans to play with. I miss my h and my family and think of them most days but I am no longer grieving as I was. Just tidying up the last bits of the fallout while finding new blocks to build with. I am rebuilding my finances, useful purpose and a different way of living and working. Life isn't perfect. I am not happy exactly...but I am not unhappy either. I am ok. I have patches of contentment and even the odd moment of joy or satisfaction. And I know that I will get more and more ok. My personal goal is to feel proud of myself and my life again, to feel at home in my skin and my life. And to stay away from crazy nasty people lol.


any info you have on where the MLCer seems/seemed to be, anything that has/did change in their life or behaviour?

My xh is about a year into his new marriage. I know very little by choice about him or his new life or even where he lives now. Nobody from his old life has heard anything from him at all since early 2017 although a lot of people kept reaching out to him but with no response. I last saw him in Oct 16 and last spoke to him on the phone maybe a bit over a year ago? NC works for me but when I broke it to send a short birthday text in March, I received an unpleasant text telling me to go away by owife on his behalf. Read from that what you will...i just saw it as one more bit of not normal sane adult behaviour...I deleted it, blocked the number and did nothing. Friends who like to snoop on SM - although I have asked them not to tell me - say he posts a lot about depression so evidently that is still part of his life, happpily married or not. And photos show that he looks pretty dreadful, much older, fatter, greyer and that rather mask-like smile. He has kept his job and his new life and friends seem to be younger coworkers of ow, so I suspect his work is central to his life now. I have no idea how he feels about what happened and presume I am essentially dead in his mind. He has never apologised, explained, explicitly blamed me to my face or said goodbye to me or anyone else. It is as if we all never existed tbh. Perhaps the most truthful thing he ever said was a thinky email in about Nov 17 when he said 'I have no idea how we got into this silly awful mess but I am a different person now and we need to move on'. I suppose I have taken that at face value and chosen to do just that. Seems like a tragic sad thing for everyone who cared about him and for our marriage and lives, but he may see it quite differently. I assume I will never see or hear from him again. I have no plans to contact him.
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« Last Edit: June 11, 2019, 02:06:03 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#11: June 11, 2019, 11:50:56 AM
Great idea for a thread Treasur!

where you are/were as the LBS, the progress you've made and what life is like at 3-4 years?

My BD was May/16 and H moved out a month later.  I was just finishing chemo and starting radiation when he left. I was devastated, lost, confused, and in a complete fog for a good 2 years. I self-medicated with vodka and wine and was a bit of a hot mess for a while there. Now, as I enter the 4th year of this nonsense, I have a renewed focus on my S12. I lost it for a while, but thankfully I finally saw the light. I keep busy with travel and lots of good friends to distract me now. I try to count blessings as often as possible and live in the moment, although I still very much miss the old H.  I am trying to let the "detachment" process work for me although I know I am still way too invested in H's emotions and actions. That has really improved over the last few months though, most likely b/c H is far less communicative than ever before.  Most importantly, I no longer "poke the bear" for sport, and try to not take anything he says or does personally. And I no longer contact him at all for anything, which is huge for me.

any info you have on where the MLCer seems/seemed to be, anything that has/did change in their life or behaviour?

H started off angry and hateful but then the monster stopped. He basically ran away from his old life and began living a new one, while lying to everyone about it all the while. I only found out about OW a full year and 3 months later, and that was b/c she called and told me, even though I asked H point blank a million times about her specifically. He never mentions her even now.
About a year in, we had a T&G which lasted about 2 months. Then he ran back to her and told me he was filing for D and would now be with OW. He never filed and 3 days later basically apologized to me for saying all that.

1.5 year mark began about an 11 month long series of T&Gs. Entire time he professed his love for me. That he wanted to work on us, etc. But could never pull the trigger to actually "talk."  On and off again with OW. Always saying he doesn't have a girlfriend.

2.5 year make he withdraws further--deeper into his R with OW and seemingly fully invested. But at the same time tells me, "I have nothing. My life is sh!te. I hope I will die soon."

3 year mark--I believe he has moved in with her officially now, though still hiding. And his mail is still delivered to my house. He no longer sees S12 in the mornings for school. He has withdrawn the most I have ever experienced up until this point. He barely speaks to me, and maybe just a little more with S12. But still, doesn't see S12 hardly at all anymore. He scheduled a lunch with him a week ago, but cancelled and re-scheduled for a full week later. He doesn't speak to any member of his family or pre-BD friends. His whole world now is OW, her family and her friends.

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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#12: June 11, 2019, 01:37:08 PM
Quote
- those past that point who can still remember the 3-4 year mark.  :)

Almost at the 7 year mark for BD.

As for Vanishing man H, his behaviour has been the same since day one when he took off.  As for me, I can't say I remember much at the 3-4 year mark as I was already moving forward with a new life of my own without him.  Good and bad I guess, bad he was the same and still not interested in the kids etc., but good that I can't remember it as it means I was focused on me/us more than him.

I do remember those early days of pain and searching.  Now I just hope to never see him again, although any movement from him or OW will set me off, so I guess I'm not really over it in some ways.  I think the trigger from them is any contact will be self serving at the expense of me and my children.  Shake that thought and replace it with a great one.

Stay fabulous!

 
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« Last Edit: June 11, 2019, 02:03:03 PM by Snowdrop »
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#13: June 14, 2019, 10:52:18 AM
I believe that 4 year marker is important in MLC world.
I do believe that 4 years +- is somewhere a MLCer will reach some withdrawal/ depression stage. Therefore those who have clingers will fill that, unless a LBS will initiate contact or any R talks, which it totally fruitless and even harmful.
From my personal experience the 4 year marker was my entering the liminality.
What i see now from my MLCer, the exact same thing...we are 4.5 years from BD. He was a high Replyer and a higher clinger..now he is literally a vanisher.
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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#14: June 14, 2019, 11:13:42 AM
My personal experience was I started seeing small positives between the 3/4 year mark.
It was very slow though.  Nothing before that time.

I do think it may be different for everyone.  Just like waking up is.  Some wake up fast and other wake up very slowly over time.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#15: June 14, 2019, 11:20:51 AM
And of course 'waking up' does NOT mean reconnection or reconciliation imho.
Although I suspect that if the MLCer never acknowledges or shows remorse for the damage they caused to people who loved and trusted them, it probably does mean that they stay stuck in some way. Maybe not the same 'fog' but a kind of post-fog limbo. If they were a good human before...

I have often mused if there is perhaps a strange inverted parallel path between the LBS and the MLCer actually. If we recover and build a new life after surviving our own LBS 'fog' in a similar sort of timescale.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#16: June 14, 2019, 11:58:57 AM
My personal experience was I started seeing small positives between the 3/4 year mark.
It was very slow though.  Nothing before that time.

I do think it may be different for everyone.  Just like waking up is.  Some wake up fast and other wake up very slowly over time.

Thunder - were you living apart and in NC at that time?
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#17: June 14, 2019, 12:40:44 PM
We were living apart, after the first year, but saw each other every day.  Neither of us went NC.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

D
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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#18: June 14, 2019, 12:44:40 PM
Thunder - thank you for the information.   ;)
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

s
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Re: The 3-4 Year Marker
#19: October 08, 2019, 09:34:29 PM
For the past 3 months, not long after my post, he went absolutely cray cray which i believe is caused by his AD medication. But i am not a medical professional, but the timing suits. He started reading and researching his purpose in life, his own conclusion - he is meant to help/heal people from their problems (super long story, google spiritual awakening and psychosis and he fits in either bucket but not which depending what you believe in). He is not himself, not someone i recognise anymore from where we first met. I understand that people change, but this is a whole new level.

He doesn't eat anymore because he is not hungry and his mind is telling him that. Eh? I am not sure why I should be the one helping him and getting hurt (again) in the process. I still care and love him, but we are not together anymore and i feel he doesn't feel remorseful of what he's done to me - i have PTSD, abandonment issues and anxiety as a result and i am still working through it. The straw that broke the camel's back was that i believed he is going through psychosis due to meds, tried to get his mum to get him help and he got really mad because we think he's crazy. As a result, he has cut his mum and myself out from his life  :o Not sure how long this would last, been 2 weeks since. Not sure if the hospital did anything.

This is exactly 4 years since BD and 3 years since i moved out.

This whole episode for the past few months have made me regressed and felt like i went back in time 3 years ago!!!  :'(

Friends have made a comment that they miss the a-hole MLCer rather than the craycray one  ::)

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Together since 2009, 7.5 years
- PA with OW1 09/15 (BD1)
- EA with OW2 02/16 (BD2)
I moved out 07/16..

 

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