[Nas]

I don't think anyone should ever be mean and bitter - in any situation.

I also agree that "paving the way" with a vanisher is a bit of a moot point.

I think where some of us are disagreeing is in the language about being "nice," "gracious," "kind" etc to the MLCer throughout.

Again, I don't believe we should be the opposite of those things: "mean," "bitter," "spiteful," etc.

But different situations call for different things.  Some LBS can be kind and gracious and that's great.
But for some, being nice and kind in the face of cruelty doesn't feel right, and probably gives a wrong impression that the LBS will accept cruel behavior.

So perhaps instead of paving the way meaning "be kind and gracious," it should just mean, "don't instigate or engage in fighting" and rather than being kind to someone who is literally causing severe damage to your life, just be neutral.  Don't vent your anger on them.  Don't lecture them on what's right and wrong. 

Protect yourself as much as you can financially.  But don't feel you have to behave in ways that don't feel right to you.  If your MLCer is being cruel and nasty, you don't have to say, "You're a good man and I love you."  And you don't have to offer them coffee when they come by to pick up the kids.  And you don't have to help them out of a jam they got themselves in.  And you don't have to answer every call or text. 

IF you're standing, you just have to take care of yourself and not be a constant fuming ball of anger.  It's kind of as simple as that.

You don't have to make your MLCer view you as the nicest, kindest, most generous and forgiving person in the world (because they won't, no matter what you do).  You just have to maintain your dignity in the face of a horrible situation (which will show them what maturity and strength is) and do what you need to do for yourself without doing anything to deliberately hurt/strike back at them and without an endless stream of nasty remarks and reminders of what they're doing and how wrong it is. 

Just my two cents.  If you want to pave the way, you can and should, but your needs (and those of your kids, if you have them) should still come first.

[Nas]

Forgot to say:

In my situation, if I were to be all nice and friendly with my MLC H who abandoned me and changed his phone number while I was in chemo, it would send him a message that, yeah, I'm nice but I'm also a doormat, and it would make me feel like I am not being true to myself because my true self doesn't allow people to treat me that way.

I got a message from my vanisher on July 1st - on Messenger, the only avenue of communication he currently has because HE chose to close all other avenues.
Messenger was the only avenue of communication he had with OW when they first started talking too.  But I'm not OW.  I was graciously "leaving space" for him even after I stopped standing by silently staying open to him should he ever reach out and really need my help. 

He on the other hand was the opposite.  He changed his phone number when I was arguably in my darkest hour ever.

Then he sends me a message through the same platform he used to begin his affair way back when.  I have not even opened it or read it.  If he truly wants to communicate with me, he will - through email or by phone. 

I'm not standing, but if I were, I would do the same thing.  I would not answer his message.  Because to me, paving the way is also not being at their beck and call, not letting them manipulate and maneuver everything to suit them, and allowing them space to look at their situation and realize on their own why and how things are the way they are and what they might do to change them.

[OffRoad]

The sticking point seems to be: Is paving the way something we do to get the MLCER back, allow them an open way to get back if they choose to come back, or is it for ourselves?  As I have said, I interpret it as 2 and 3. Perhaps the article, when rewritten, can be clearer that our actions may or may not matter to the MLCer, will always matter to us, and if the paving hurts no one and  has no expectations attached, then where is the harm? And if your feelings change, you don't have to pave the way indefinitely.  If being courteous to a monster causes you pain, don't be present. If they stop being a monster next week, be courteous if it doesn't harm you. (That's all paving, imo, handled calmly and maturely)

For those who don't want to reconcile, and want to put up a blockade behind them as they move forward, that's ok, too.

[Sam I Am]

You just have to maintain your dignity in the face of a horrible situation (which will show them what maturity and strength is) and do what you need to do for yourself without doing anything to deliberately hurt/strike back at them and without an endless stream of nasty remarks and reminders of what they're doing and how wrong it is. 

Because to me, paving the way is also not being at their beck and call, not letting them manipulate and maneuver everything to suit them, and allowing them space to look at their situation and realize on their own why and how things are the way they are and what they might do to change them.

I believe these statements can apply to so many things in life in general.  Be it spouse or child or friend or co-worker who is doing the wrong things.  Be there but don't be there.  Love and support from a distance.  Let them help themselves first.

A lot of wisdom in those statements. 

[Treasur]

Good point, OR.
I see it as 2 and 3 also.
And that if Paving The Way is about 'do no harm', the individual entry point is to be clear about what is harmful to THEM and taking responsibility for ourselves by putting that first is also about moving away from being either a fixer or a victim which helps pave the way too. And it does probably change  over time and with detachment.

[Acorn]

Pave the way with clear road signs, placed every 3 feet.
‘Beware of the boundaries’. 

You just have to maintain your dignity in the face of a horrible situation (which will show them what maturity and strength is) and do what you need to do for yourself without doing anything to deliberately hurt/strike back at them and without an endless stream of nasty remarks and reminders of what they're doing and how wrong it is. 

Just maintaining dignity is good enough of ‘paving the way’, especially at the beginning of LBS’s journey, I think.   Self respect, self care, resilience, counting one’s blessings, cleaning up our own side of the street.

As for shooting mean comments, name calling, gossiping and moral grandstanding, I would see that as planting land mines.  Who in their right mind would want to walk on that sort of path?!   

[Treasur]

Pave the way with clear road signs, placed every 3 feet.
‘Beware of the boundaries’. 

 

As for shooting mean comments, name calling, gossiping and moral grandstanding, I would see that as planting land mines.  Who in their right mind would want to walk on that sort of path?!

 

[SteelSpine]

Inspired to post!

I am one of the ones who has not been a fan of 'Paving the Way', even though, if I delve into the subtleties of it, it is precisely what I have done over the past three years. 

It has also served me well; my h no longer monsters, he is financially responsible - very generous actually - and he is quite respectful.  Bummer about the ow two blocks from me, but at least he keeps her well away from our sons.  The boys have not even seen her since the spring of 2018. Yay!

Ultimately, my feeling is that "Paving the Way" is a clunky, misleading name for an excellent concept. 

Remember the saying, "know your audience."  Paving the Way is not a simple idea, and the problem I see is not with the concept itself, but with the audience it is written for.  There is a rhythm to the phrase, that naturally adds the word "home" to the end of it, and clearly (to me at least) implies that we can do things that will bring our mlc'er back to us.

That is not exactly how Paving the Way works, and it certainly is not what should be the focus. Most of us here for awhile know that now.

But to panicked, traumatized new LBS's who would tear off a limb just to put an end to the horror; who have cried themselves dehydrated, just aching to go back to the life, and spouse, they loved (I was one of these, and am getting triggered just typing this), the possibility the we could in some way "pave the way...home" is like water in the desert, and there is no subtlety when you are dying of thirst.

[Nas]

there is no subtlety when you are dying of thirst.

This.

[Bewildered survivor]

Nas I completely agree with everything you say. It’s how I feel to. There’s a really thin line between paving the way and being a doormat and paving the way and keeping your dignity in tact.

I don’t have the opportunity to pave the way now with minimal contact with ex h but I have tried to act with grace and dignity by not playing dirty with the court cases and by being honest and fair throughout. And mostly putting the kids first.

If he wasn't in MLC and was old pre MLC him he would be proud of my strength and thankful. But right now nothing I do will make a difference and his distorted reality is based on his own narrative and whatever doesn’t fit with that narrative will be dismissed.

So paving the way for me is about getting through this without ever looking back with regret at any of my actions and focusing on actions that my girls will hopefully admire and look up to me for one day. Even if ex h doesn’t. It’s paving the way forward for me and them & I’d ex h wants to join then so be it. It’s not paving the way for him to come back .

Personally I don’t like the term ‘paving the way’ as the term is ambiguous and I associate it will paving a doormat back to us what ever they do. I know this is not the meaning of it and RCR’s explaination makes sense. But I think everyone will interpret the term differently depending on their circumstances and experiences. And that’s ok.