[eternity]

Hi Bewildered,

Thanks for posting this before on Laursecan's thread. This gave me some more insight in this whole detaching thing.
What wonders me about myself is that I did not cry at all (except some tears at Xmas)
I am not interested in taking revenge, I am not bitter, I know I will come through this one way or the other, with or without
I am learning a lot by going through the process.
I keep my mindset on  "letting go".
I am afraid of being too easygoing and of  enabling this pursuit & distance dance
And I am definitively jealous and than  i become angry about what H is doing
I do  allow myself to be angry for a couple of minutes but than I force myself to stop as it hurts me too much and I do not want to hurt myself
I try to stay away from the obsession

And than my son said to me yesterday : " It is not because you changed your life, that...."
I got this remark because I forgot to pick up his laundry
You know, it most show that I have changed, so I am really glad.
You do not always notice yourself but I think I am going in the right direction
Take care

 

[Bewildered]

Eternity

Crying is one way to express pain or anguish I'm good at crying - a professional - when i have cried I feel better and calmer.

But other people do other things that let out their pain (my husband internalised his) my son used to - less now and my d is a mini me! (she talks like i do about everything and we work through issues together and my son is getting better at this)
 
THIS more emotionally mature and intelligent behaviour is a result of my H mlc - his behaviour has made us all look at ourselves why( we detached by looking at him from afar and saw this MLC for what it was - me and the children have read up on MLC - independently - I never asked them they did this themselves all i did was say this isn't your Dad he doesn't mean this to hurt you etc) so consequently we are closer and understand each other better and appreciate and care about each other - in a way that is deep and meaningful - he has not got this - its sad for him and used to make me cry now I see its a part of his journey - again sad for him

So again - when you detach in full you can see these things the GOOD and LOVELY things that a mlc has given to you .. OP says its time and he's correct -Time to reflect on the things you didn't do well and wanted to do well - regarding your personality - so now be better at (whatever) , and stop negative thoughts influencing you and suddenly it all makes sense. Just be honest to yourself - stop lying to yourself (leave his mlc where it is with him) and you will see a vision of your life - you were either meant to be with your H in the next part of your life because he fits in with what you want (not a rigid fix a flexible caring considerate and loving fit) but for this to happen you h needs to be that person who fits you and if he does YEAH !! but if not missed opportunity for him. You will however know what you want and BR Happy and OK.
So if not him ......then someone else or somethings else will become what makes you happy
good friends
family
children
work
extending your education
community work
voluntary work
etc
(They will fill the void of him, ) with the right mix and you will be happy - be happy with who the real you - not the one who wants to fit in with the crowd ... be what you thought you should be etc

Detachment makes this easy .. love your h and the man he could be .. BUT learn to know you and love how you behave - think and feel YES mistakes will/are made and saying sorry is easy when this is done, no one is perfect, if you make excuses for yourself/blame others etc  - you are not really taking this opportunity to be honest with yourself and you wont become detached and able to look deep inside youself.

As I have said' Look at your personality and unpick who you are - the bad sides and try and make them good or at least shades of grey/more good than BAD?
Mine were;
self confidence - with my h - i let him bully me a bit as i had put him on a pedestal so when he fell i was in shock
I was always trying toprove myself worthy of him
impatience (certainly I'm more patient now)
resentment (Born from Me doing things I didn't want to do on a regular basis without expressing that I did' t enjoy doing something because I was worried that I would upset someone else )
again IMO and just my opinion XX
Dealt well with the above
Still working on others
dealing with stress
saying no when i don't want to do something
++ more

love B

[Mitzpah]

B.
I am going to read and reread your text above. Thanks.
About being angry - it is also something that only recently I have experienced but even so, only in spots.  I wonder if I will get to the point of anger fests!
I definitely do not hate him and as I say, anger is very spotty.
I am sad, a little envious that not everybody goes through this (Why me? maybe?) but mostly, overwhelmingly sad at what seems to be a waste of good time when we could be enjoying each other and life!

[xyzcf]

Bewildered..so well said and so very, very true!

[Bewildered]

Mitzpah

We all feel that this is unfair cruel and painful . Also it takes FOREVER to get through it for them and for us but if you think about it - it would not be a crisis if it was easy or took a few months to strip to the bone and rebuild would it .
It would be a blip BUT a MLC full blown is a crisis and takes the time it needs to work through - you H cant go any quicker but he may get stuck and need gently or a kick to unstick him but (again) you will know when - I NEVER thought when HB and JA said this to me but its true - and detachment gives you the strength to deal with your MLCer when its right for YOU to do so (I think its been right for my H but not me for a few months) but then suddenly I knew it was right for me and it will happen to you if you let him heal himself for now ...
don't compound the misery by subjecting yourself to pain and hurt - walk away
riptides scare people from going into the ocean some for ever what a shame they miss out on swimming in a fun place
fear is debilitating and my h has tons of 'fears' which he needs to face
i have every faith in him that he will one day just hope I am around when he does
i know that by detaching I have a change if I made his crisis my life then I would not be able too id be worn out
again just IMO you have to:
Stage 1
get angry.. be sad.. cry.. stomp your foot.. scream.. etc then suddenly its not so often
Stage 2
a Little crying anger etc
Stage 3
peace and understanding compassion and love
Stage 4
don't know not there yet maybe Stayed can fill this stage in?? or RCR??
love B

[Mermaid]

Thank you for this very insightful thread, Bewildered. I have cried, sobbed, been furious, blamed myself, blamed him, tried to understand, to listen, to be compassionate, and cycled through these feelings over and over again during the past three years. The thing that made me maddest was NOT the ILYBINILWY speech, or the "I need space" speech, it was the "OW is just a friend" speech, the denials "I've never lied, I do care about your feelings" and the lies. It felt like gaslighting, like he was trying to make me mad.

I've just realised that by trying to MAKE him see through logic, reason, evidence, etc was all part of my pursuing behaviour, and not detaching. Despite the fact that I have been getting on with my life in so many ways. Yesterday I said "I think you need to be selfish right now, don't you?" and he agreed, he hardly has the emotional energy to cope with his life.

So I have to give up my EXPECTATION that he will recognise his mistakes. Give him space, maintain my boundaries, recognise and change my pursuing nature, and let go of my anger (and the chocolate that helps sustain it...)

[Bewildered]

Mermaid

yes ........... this is the  (IMO)  best way to be giving up banging your head against a brick wall BUT think the chocolate though is more difficult (He HE) .

What I have found when you are fully detached you can to your MLCer ask a difficult question or or make a statement as long as it factual and about behaviours and BE really 100% prepared for the answer you don't want to hear and be OK if this is what you do hear and - not crumble or get angry YOU will accept it and deal with it and then you know you will survive - actually more than that you will be really OK.

So yes Mermaid your on the Right tract (IMO)  forgiveness is easy once you see that the MLC person most difficult job will be that he/she has to forgive him or herself  & that will be the hardest thing they have to do ONCE they wake up to the world they have created
The guilt and shame will take them to the depths of their personality and show them what they are made of
saying sorry is hard for some people BUT saying sorry and really meaning each word well that could be impossible an this is where they may run because they have not the courage to see what they did and accept they need to deal with it apologise and explain if they can and move on otherwise they will beat themselves up daily and I know I could not live with someone who daily reminded himself and me that he was so bad that he couldn't get over it - it would be  groundhog day and who wants that so maybe when the time comes you have to help them understand that you accept their remorse and forgive them - because (IMO) I have not the energy time or wish to live my life in a bubble of "Why Me" instead "Why not me" - because I was able to use this situation (MY H MLC) to grow and change and yes it was horrible, painful - but so was my Fathers death and loss of friends in accidents - but I not only survived I grew and am stronger more aware of who I am etc


love B

[Mermaid]

So true, Bewildered. Why not me?

There are so many awful things happening, and by my age (50) we've been through a few. $hit happens. I'm lucky, compared to so many other people, to have all the good things I do have in my life. My wonderful children, my friends, house, car, job, clothes on my back and food in my mouth... the blue sky above and the green grass beneath my feet (OK, I'd better stop now).

I've been able to be deatched and compassionate about his crisis; I can listen dispassionately to everything he says. I've been driving myself nuts over this one subject; why does he have OW, and why doesn't he care that it hurts me?

I know the answer. He does care, but he can't, at the same time. Until he figures himself out, he'll remain in his deeply egocentric world, which is a sort of bubble to protect himself from total collapse.

So back to myself. Why are we pursuers?

[Butterfly]

Bewildered
Thanks for this thread!

Butterfly

[Bewildered]

Mermaid,

IMO to quote you .......

I know the answer. He does care, but he can't, at the same time. Until he figures himself out, he'll remain in his deeply egocentric world, which is a sort of bubble to protect himself from total collapse.

He doesn't care enough at the moment to think about you or how you feel especially in relation to any of his behaviours .. he doesn't care -  it's all about what he wants (Me Me Me) and what he wants is to spend time with the OW. No discussion, or whatever it is he wants to do etc when he wants to do it and he will do what he wants regardless of who he hurts with his behaviours.

This he wants more than making you happy , caring about you,  ...  etc HE can only at this moment in time think about himself (the OW in my opinion is a dummy .. well yes but I mean a dummy/ pacifier something that comforts him and makes him able to feel good and not face his issues ...... his bubble is his fantasy world - your right its nicer there?

and

So back to myself. Why are we pursuers?

So don't persue .... its  a waste of time until he starts to move forwads out of reply and gets rid of the OW/OP??

B xx