[Bewildered]

DETACHMENT AND SELF EXAMINATION
(a moderator asked me to post this - hope it helps and only post your views on detachment and how you have achieved this and self examined yourself to find your way forward
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From Bewildered ....

For me and IMO what I have learnt that Detachment is that it is in 2 parts
Part 1 – detach from your MLCer and his MLC and him as much as you can whilst he goes through this crisis and then Part 2 - YOUR ability to  (because you are detached from him & his MLC ) look at YOURSELF inside and outside and this will assist you in how you shape the YOU of the future - for yourself: FOR YOU.
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It is only in the last few days I have really come full circle, and understood detachment better maybe not there 100% but more clearly -  I now see it in full Technicolor not black & white.
Many times I thought I was there – but now I can reflect that I wasn’t - what I know now that deep down I wasn't anywhere near detachment ... I was just trying to control my feelings and pretend that I was ‘moving on’ and could cope and in a way trying to make myself believe I was in control. BUT I wasn’t.
Also you can’t detach if you let yourself get bitter - Bitterness is your enemy and your future will not be a successful one if you let it rule your thoughts and feelings  again this is just IMO.
Yes it is ok to be sad, angry (but  controlled) or hurt etc but remember your actions are what will define who you are: because they will determine how you act now.

Life isn't fair ...  horrible things happen to lovely people but you can use this your MLCer crisis to strengthen yourself as a person and any relationship you have now or in the future with the people that matter in your life. You also need to realise that some relationships are not good for you – toxic or they make you uncomfortable and you need to manage them or if really difficult ‘let them go’ or become more distant - we are all individuals and need to like ourselves enough to know who makes us happy and who doesn’t or we can offer anything good to anyone else anything worthwhile? Anyway??
We need to say sorry when we are and not expect others to recognise when they should be saying sorry (most people don’t) and then we can be happy we did what we needed to do to for us to continue to learn and grow, and this leads to our MLCers they don't like themselves - leave them to work out why? Help them if they need it but this is their journey and their issues that need addressing and solving ?
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Part 1 your MLCer

When you can see clearly that this MLC for your H/W is a very miserable place for him/her but that he/she has wrapped it up in ribbons and bows – to them it looks great – New person – New world – New and exciting beginnings etc . They have invited others into their new world (Other Person – new relationship, New friends etc) their  'fantasy/make believe/real to him/her place, but it’s a ‘on the surface' or whatever?  Life in reality.
He or she is in turmoil BUT detachment means that you also need to KNOW that you cannot do ANYTHING for him YET!
Or maybe never?

He needs to get to a place where he/she begins to be unsure that his/her decisions are maybe not the right ones?
Then you can help?
AND .. This (from all that I have read) MLC takes time - at least 2 years +
and this is the first thing we have to deal with that helps us start the process of detachment.
When the MLCer moves forward the , then maybe you can help – and everyone told me I would know when this was right and I know that you do but it doesn’t mean you will act because it has to be right for you too, and if you have detached and see him/her in a more understanding way – then you can help rebuild a relationship.
If YOU have not detached, if you are still full of HATRED or ANGER (we need to however go through these periods of extreme anger to be able to spend it and get it out of our system - thrown away a  picture, brake a Video tape, Bin a T- Shirt or use it as a duster - whatever that is fine but don't do anything that could cause long term damage or it is being done to you by yourself and that is damaging for you or any relationship in the future ) it will lead to bitterness and resentment.
Detachment means that you have developed a scene of perspective and understand that your spouse’s MLC is  BEING DONE TO HIM BY HIM AND IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT totally IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT - you may be culpable for some things and you need to recognise them so you can be the better person so detachment from him/her and his/her  MLC  leads you to the next phase and allows you to look at what you need to do to improve you and then your life with him/her or without him/her.
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Part 2 - you

Yes some things or maybe lots of things are your fault and can be changed ? If you really want too. Work it out and listen to your inner voice – examine all the bad parts of your personality and make life long changes or set in motion the will too.
YES they are parts of your personality and you will find it hard to alter BUT if you want to you can do, to be a better person not just for YOUR H? W? - but for you and how you then can be a better friend, neighbour, colleague, mother, person etc.

Changing yourself needs you to really see yourself as others see you and this takes courage and trust to be able to change and honest reflection.
Detach from yourself and see yourself as you are and what you could be with changes to how you react, behave, etc.
Your H/W MLC gives you the time for reflection - for you and how you can either become a more peaceful person or like yourself more or you can stay the same – no worries but you’re missing a chance to remodel yourself?
And what a waste that would be if you choose the latter option. As OP says use this time wisely, and who know what may happen?
However this is your choice (and detachment lets you start to put yourself first) and it takes time to know yourself better;  not just attached to a man or women as a couple, not just a Mother, Daughter in-Law, Daughter, Colleague  etc . You are You and you are responsible for your actions, decisions and behaviour Good or Bad, no one is perfect all the time ...

I felt when I had done this I could understand my H much more clearly as I now knew me better - and could help him if needed because I could.
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Believe me I have been hurt, lost my confidence, hated my 'now life', felt 100% responsible then 100% not, mixed up, lost , cried a lot, cried less, felt useless, sad, etc I got angry and some people said to me that this was good, now get even?? And this is when I realised 'even' was bad for me and would not make me like me, AND my detachment was to make this time count for ME!

So my journey began ..
So yes I ripped up a picture (lovely one of my H which I now of course regret but understand when I did it  why I had too) I threw away  a few -shirts (still in plastic bags-  free ones from his running events)  of my H and it was cathartic. But I have always made my Children see this situation as not one that was about them, not about their Dad not loving them he wasn’t a bastard but doing hurtful things because he was hurting. etc but it was about a situation which was incomprehensible, impossible to explain etc. And they needed to give him space and time.

When my H ignored them or didn’t contact them for long periods I spoke to my children about how he loved them but couldn't show it at the moment.
When he asked me how they were very rarely did he do this but when he did  I told him that the children needed him & loved him, he used to just smile, but didn't do anything much to make any changes he sometimes  tried a bit but then could not keep it up (MLC makes them unable to be responsible/care/feel/love etc IMO I’m not sure what they feel for the OP but I can’t imagine that it can be love as we know it-just a fantasy part of the new life syndrome of reinvention I think?)
I knew he could not find the strength in him to be the man he wanted to be.

I only hope this changes some day because he is the one missing out.....

THIS is what a MLC does to a person it makes them weak, pathetic, unkind, mean, selfish selfish & more selfish and yet I know now that I really believe if you have detached properly you can see this in them and then you will be when the time is right be able to help them move forward
Baby steps .. only a helping hand – they have to do the hard work
You can reach out a hand of friendship, when it’s the right time and until then leaving them to find their own way out of the tunnel/mindset they are in is what they need it is like learning to walk ? 
No one really wants to be them do they?? I know I don’t I feel now (believe it or not) that I am the lucky one .
How  do you do this – you prepare yourself - because you have detached and you can (really I promise you will be able to) do this.  HB, RCR, JA, OP and Stayed have all told me this revelation will happen  but until it come about I didn't, couldn't get it - I DO NOW I think, and you WILL TOO!     
BUT I am sorry to say, as you and others are (ME too) sick of hearing this
MLC TAKES A VERY LO_________NG TIME     
 

Change DOES take time - good changes need reflection and new behaviours so IT WILL take time - and IF IT'S MEANT TO BE - your marriage will come back into a new phase or you will want a new life
Whatever - IT WILL BE WHAT IT IS MEANT TO BE.

Take it day by day - what's another week or month - when you have come this far!
Take it slowly - take your time - get as much as possible as right as possible for you and your children's futures , stand for yourself as rushing into anything that is forced will eventually fail – live for the moment and   enjoy your life - make every decision you make count, every choice you make your own, be kind, supportive but when you feel you are being pulled in the wrong direction then stop and reflect DON'T be bullied into doing something that isn't you .. be you, like you and you will suddenly 'Get it'
It is hard, sometimes we want to wallow in self-pity, so what you’re allowed,  have your own short lived pity-party it’s ok once and a while but not as part of your daily life or it will be destructive.
 
A MLC is an identity crisis - you now have a chance without the terror they are facing to look at your identity and be the you that YOU were meant to be and I promise, it works (well it did for me) anyway ?
RE: Snooping, we all do - I think so what, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then don't do it, if not do it.. information can be powerful but beware that sometimes it’s incorrect info you are getting -  Facebook to me is stupid if used for anything more that Hi messages/ chit chat and photos etc - posting anything deep or meaningful is fake and insincere -  the wrong messages posted possibly to hurt you.
IMO Facebook is- is a tool of social media that can be dangerous and the generation that has grown up with it understands Facebook - for what it is - many people over the age of 30 don't  -  so don't like the OW give it head space if it hurts you with its contents.
Your H/W is now a teenager (or similar) - DON'T be one/join in with them  read and snoop with an understanding that he/she is where he/she is at this moment in time .... So read what you snoop and see it from this advantage point. Understand the MLC as a process of change and then what they do/say becomes what it is ..

Love B

[Shantilly Lace]

Good stuff!

[good4me]

B

I am a little concerned that I really have not been angry. Hurt and sad but that's all . Is something wrong with me that I am not filled with rage and thoughts of revenge ? Feel a little indifferent at this moment...confused about H's behaviour and lack of contact with me. Yet it is to be expected from what I have read here.

[Bewildered]

Hi  G4U

I felt all these emotions but never revenge except in regard tome not letting his crisis destroy me .. but maybe why you have nt felt any of these emotions is something to reflect on?Think why and maybe (the asnwers are there) you will find the reason? 

ANY others out there got views ?? Or have felt this way??

Love B

[justasking]

G4Y

I have never had any overwhelming anger or feelings of revenge.

As we are all individuals I think maybe we all react differently. Prior to BD I did get angry with H and he used that fro justification and to be honest I didn't like that me so changed to the old me.

Any anger I have felt I have tried to use to move forward.

As for revenge. Well I could never have done more that my H has done to himself so there is absolutely no point. Besides I believe they never asked for this journey either. It is a process they have to get to the end of just like us. IMO seeking out revenge only makes us bitter and hard.

But detaching also helps us get off the rollercoaster and be ourselves without the need for revenge and overwhelming anger than has the possibility of destroying us.

xx

xx

[Bewildered]

Just wanted to add L'scans reply to my post as it was one I did on another thread .......... think its relevent

B

Thanks so much for the insight!
You are soooo right.  This is about ME.   Learning about ME.  Changing the things that I need to change and embracing the parts of me that I love.
I think MLC takes time for two reasons - One reason is for the person in crisis to face all their issues.  The other is for the LBS to do the same.

I think we (I) need to stop thinking/feeling like I am "waiting."  Waiting for what?  A bus or a train?
There is really nothing to wait for?
If I were to move forward with divorce or separation - does that mean that I am no longer "waiting?"
As I read the threads from those of you who are divorced or legally separated - some of you seem to be more attached to your MLCer than others who are not.  (Except for those of you with Vanishers - I suppose).

So.  I guess I see it this way.  This is the situation that I find myself in.  One that is not of my own making - but I certainly contributed to the demise of my marriage.  (I have culpability, too).
 
What I do (or not do) now - sets me up for the remainder of my life.  OP is right.  Use the time wisely.  I do not want to, someday, look back at this time with regret (like I do when I look back at my marriage - now).

My fellow LBS' - detachment doesn't mean that you don't love your spouse anymore.  It doesn't mean that you don't care. It doesn't mean anything of the sort.

It means, at least to me, that you let go.  Have faith in your spouse.  That they will get through this - one way or the other.  Have faith in yourself - that you will do the same.  Stayed says that there is a "connection" between spouses - who have been together for so long.  Even if you aren't seeing each other now - that connection is still there.

Newbies - your spouse can't "forget" you and all the time they spent with you.  I truly believe that they think about us often.  More often than we would even imagine.  The connection is still there.  Long-term relationship has a pull that is difficult to break or ignore.  (Maybe for a short time - but not forever).

I plan to use this time wisely.  Pay attention to those things that I need/want to change about myself.  And, actually make those changes. 

Oh, and I will break a few more VHS tapes while I'm at it.   (Bewildered said it was okay to break some things).
Hugs,

L

[In this for ME]

I din't think I'd get angry either-I was just devastated, hurt, humilated, feeling, abandoned, undesriable, loss, no self confidence.
The anger has FINALLY showed up after 10 months.  I've spent too many days in bed crying- too many days keyed up about this.
It is a tool; NOT a way of life. I will not be bitter. I see that in too many women that have had this same thing happen and reflect with bitterness.

Anger is cleansing.

I am close to telling him to build a bridge and get over yourself.

On this upcoming IN PERSON discussion I WILL have with him he admitted that he felt humilated by everything that has happened .... I told him I DID TOO!! SO WHAT? We're in the same GD boat!! I understand how he feels.

NOW it's time whether either one of us is ready to face a few things- if we make mistakes -WE"RE HUMAN. The thing that should MEAN SOMETHING is that even if we a petrified the attempt is being made.

[LearningIamOk]

I think it's ironic or divine providence that I found this post today along with Init.  I have been right along with her with the anger and have been following her "Flag" thread.  I have enjoyed feeling her rage/my rage together.  It made me feel ok about it and comfortable with it.  Someone else besides me was enraged. 

This post has made me realize that I'm doing all right with this.  That it's all right that it takes a long time.  I know it has been said it can take 2-10 yrs to finish, but I didn't understand that it was acceptable to take this long.  That I won't be judged somehow if it takes so long.  I felt as if I would be the MLC "challenged" one on this forum if things went too slowly.  I do like to do things quickly, I even drive really, really fast. (only had one ticket tho' back in '81 or'82 ).

Despite the fact that I do not want this in my life, it is and I will not let the lessons I can glean from this go to waste.  I do NOT want to end up bitter and miserable.  I spoke with a psychologist over the phone.  She is a friend of my sister.  She wanted me to talk to her. She said she understood what I was going thru.  Her husband cheated on her and they have been divorced now for 15+ yrs.  She said some encouraging things, but what stuck with me from that conversation was her term for OW. She kept bringing her up and calling her a "scum sucking bottom feeder".  15 yrs later she is just as angry as she was in the beginning.  I don't want to end up like that, like her, like my MOTHER. My mother couldn't get over anything. 

I choose JOY.  I choose HAPPINESS.  I choose LIFE.  I refuse to give in and be defeated with this.  I told my H at the beginning before he left the first time.  I can do this with you or without you(life), I'd rather do it with you, but I can do it without you.  And I meant it and still do.

[Shantilly Lace]

I am close to telling him to build a bridge and get over yourself.

I hate that saying with a passion.
you have no idea.

If it were that easy we would.  i hate it hate it hate it.
dearheart used to say it to me all the time before i walked out on him.  I wanted to be listened to, heard and all i got was that blasted stupid saying.

[Bewildered]

Shantily

I could not agree with you more - I too hate it and yet I do understand how (we feel) and why we say things like this and I also hate;
Get Over Yourself as if they could sort out in their heads they and anyone suffering from depression will tell you they would - they CANNOT work out in MLC what is wrong with them and even not admit that something is wrong with them!!

Keep reading the articles and yes deal with the bad behaviour by putting down boundaries but if you want to like yourself and grow then leave his MLC to him IT IS a crisis and its his we are just unfortunatly a target or a bystander .. just as if it was any other 'illness' you need to remove thebehaviour from the person - VERY VERY difficult I know !!
Love B xx